


Arctic Baby

by AM505



Category: Arctic Monkeys
Genre: Alex is the woman, Anal Sex, Arctic OT4 relationship, Arctic four-way, Blow Jobs, Boyfriends, Daddy Kink, Dom/sub, Established Relationship, Foursome - M/M/M/M, Humbug Hair, HumbugAlex, Impregnation, Jamie is the mother hen, M/M, Matt wants a family, Milex friendship, Mpreg, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Parenthood, Porn with Feelings, Pregnancy, Pregnant Sex, PregnantAlex, SubAlex, Uncle Miles, humbug era
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-18
Updated: 2019-01-30
Packaged: 2019-03-20 18:31:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 84,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13723545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AM505/pseuds/AM505
Summary: “Matthew, tell me – are you saying what I think you’re saying?”Matt nodded. Somehow he knew that they both knew.“Yes,” he drawled, leaning back in his seat, though he didn’t take his eyes off the man in front of him. “I’ve already made up my mind and I’m not going to change it. I want a baby.”-After learning that his brother has had a baby daughter, Matt is desperate to start a family of his own. When Alex learns that he is the only one who's able to carry the baby, he agrees reluctantly in order to make everyone happy. Realising that he's going to need a lot of help and support from both his boyfriends and from Miles in order to make it through the next nine months, Alex begins to wonder if he's even suited to become a parent. How is he going to cope with his pregnancy and how is he going to be ready for when the baby comes?In other words, here is the Arctic Mpreg fic that no one asked for!





	1. The Family Man

**Author's Note:**

> Before I start this fic, I would just like to assure everyone that I am still in the process of completing The Boy Next Door. I would never have started a new fic if it meant dropping an old one and to be honest, The Boy Next Door is always going to be my priority seeing as I have spent so much time writing it. :)
> 
> For this fic, I am going to try my hardest to keep the chapters short so that I can update more regularly.
> 
> I realise that this fandom has been getting quiter and quiter for some time now, but I'm hoping that some of you will return once AM release their new album.
> 
> I don't know if this fandom even welcomes a Mpreg fic, it's just something that I've been dead curious to try out for some time now. I hope someone will like it xxx

They had just finished eating that night when Matt had received a phone call and had left the kitchen to talk in private. Nick had finished off whatever was left of the casserole whilst paying another compliment to the chef – Jamie – and Alex had started to gather their plates, well aware that it was his turn to do the dishes. This was a duty that he had skipped more than a couple of times these past few weeks and though he felt guilty for not contributing more, he couldn’t deny the fact that he had been busy. In fact, he had been so busy that he couldn’t remember the last time he’d actually been home to eat his meal together with the lads and not on his own, or in Miles’s flat where the two of them had been fully occupied with their songwriting. Some nights he had even skipped tea and gone straight to bed after finishing his work, although this wasn’t something that he hoped to make a habit of. 

He had missed the lads and truly, when Matt had left the table in order to answer his phone, he had hoped that they could have all spent a minute longer in each other’s company before he had to go back to his solitary routine. 

“Thanks for dinner, love,” he had smiled when Jamie came up to him and put his arms around him from behind. Alex was now up to his elbows in hot, soapy water, unable to return the embrace. 

“You’re welcome,” Jamie had smirked as he pressed a kiss to the side of his face, “from one housewife to another, eh?”

He slapped Alex’s arse playfully before moving over to Nick. 

“I’d kiss you, too, babeh, but your mouth is too full,” he teased the bigger man as he settled for ruffling his hair.

Nick pulled back with an indignant scoff, shaking his head as he wiped the tomato sauce off his bottom lip.

“I’m just appreciative of your culinary skills,” he said with a shrug of his shoulders, “What’s wrong with that? You know I love a man who can cook.”

“You sound like such a wife-beater from the 1950’s right now, did you know that?” The blond man remarked with a hint of amusement in his voice. 

“What? It’s true,” Nick fended, scoffing the rest of the food down like there was no tomorrow, “your very name implies that it is. James Cook – see? You were born to feed me.” 

Alex joined in as he laughed at Nick’s ridiculousness and Jamie couldn’t help but to roll his eyes.

“I’m sorry to break it to you, O’Malley, but I’m not the woman in this relationship and I am not your full-time cook. Tomorrow night it’s your turn to make dinner.”

“You don’t have to be a woman to be the cook in this house,” Nick pointed out smugly. “Besides, if it makes you feel any better, you’re not the woman in our relationship as much as Alex is.” 

“What?” Alex snapped suddenly, scandalised that Nick would make such a claim. “Shut up – I am not the woman. How could I be? I can’t even make toast without burning it.”

“I know, you’re always so deep in thought, it’s a miracle you haven’t burned down the house yet. But it’s not about the cooking,” Nick reminded him, chuckling at his reaction, “it’s not even about how pretty you look when you bend over to do the dishes like that. You’re just… you’re more like a woman compared to the rest of us. It’s just the way it is, I shouldn’t even have to explain it to you.”

“Why does anyone have to be the woman?” Jamie challenged him. “Our relationship has always worked better without us labelling each other and you know that.”

“Yeah, but some labels you can’t argue with,” Nick persisted, “they are just there, I didn’t make them up, it’s just who we are. Jamie, you are diligent, fussy, careful and over-protective, kind of like a mother hen, except I would never call you my mother. Also, you just happen to be a great cook. Al, you’re the sensitive, soft and dreamy one, which makes you both the artist and the woman in this house. You’re always writing something and you’re always so romantic. It’s just the way that it is.”

“I am not the woman,” Alex replied stubbornly, turning his back on Nick as he was prepared to ignore him. “Jamie, you tell him.”

“You do get offended like a woman, though,” Nick mocked him, sipping from his beer bottle. When he saw that Jamie was getting ready to say something, he cut him off: “Jamie, if you open your mouth to defend him right now, you’re only going to prove my point that you’re the mother hen. So don’t even think about it.”

“Fuck sake Nick,” Jamie groaned then, realising that he had to think of something else to say. “You know I hate stereotypical, gender-based roles, so stop being so narrow-minded. Besides, if Al is the woman and I’m the mother hen, what does that make you and Matt?”

“Easy,” Nick shrugged, “Matt is a people-person, but he is also a family-man. I, on the other hand, am the macho, masculine hunk in this relationship. I was going to say that you can call me Daddy, but you both do already.” 

He winked wickedly, but Jamie wasn’t going to humour him. 

“I was thinking that you are more likely the clown, but never mind,” he snorted.

The teasing came to a halt when, suddenly, Matt entered through the kitchen door and made everyone’s heads turn.

“Hey,” Alex said gently, sensing immediately that something was on his mind, “are you okay?” 

“Yeah, uh…” Matt stalled intentionally, making sure to that he had everyone’s attention. “It’s good news actually. Great news.”

“What is it?” Nick interrogated, his curiosity tickled. “Matt! Tell us already.”

“I just got off the phone with my brother Gary,” he started, his lips tightening into a wide smile, “guess what? He and his wife just had a baby girl. I didn’t even know they were expecting, they’ve kept it a secret to the entire family. She’s strong and healthy, Gary says. They are naming her Ezmie. Apparently she’s got the most beautiful little face and a head full of blonde hair. Oh my God, you guys – I have to go see her. I just have to. My parents are catching a flight to Texas this weekend, but I can’t wait that long so I’m going to see if I can book a flight first thing in the morning.”

Matt paused again, inhaling loudly as though he was out of breath, though it was the excitement causing him to feel all skittish and restless. In that moment, while Nick got up from his chair in order to pull him in for a hug, Alex detected a spark in Matt’s eyes that he had never seen before. Matt laughed and rested his head against Nick’s shoulder, nuzzling close into him, and Alex then remembered Nick’s labelling of him.

Matt was well-liked, known for his kindness and loyalty. But above being everyone’s best friend, he was a family-man. Always had been, always would be.

For a moment, he found himself wondering if Matt counted Nick, Jamie and himself as family, but then he reminded himself to be less sensitive, soft and romantic.

 

XxX 

 

Matt ended up staying in Texas for a whole week. Then, after that, when he was supposed to get on a flight back home, he ended up texting the lads and telling them that he had decided to stay for an extra few days. 

Jamie let out a mighty groan upon reading the text, slapping his head against the sofa’s back as he sat down with annoyance. 

“What does that baby have that we don’t?” He uttered sulkily, glancing at Nick who took a seat next to him. “I swear to God, it’s like he doesn’t even miss us. I bet he’s already made plans to buy a house in Texas and settle down there.”

“I can’t believe you’re jealous of a little baby girl,” Nick teased him. “Stop pouting, love. It’s just the magic of having a newborn around, it will wear off soon enough. It’s not like it’s his kid.” 

“No, but he’s sure acting like it,” Jamie scoffed. “He’s already sent a trillion pictures of her, I almost have no memory left on my phone. I’m getting really tired of pretending that I’m in awe every time he photographs her from a different angle.” 

“Bloody hell, Jamie, I never thought you to be cynical. It’s a baby, you’re supposed to be in awe. Babies are amazing. Don’t you like kids?”

“Of course I like kids, they’re cute and all, but it’s not like I have anything to do with this one. Maybe if I had my own kid I would be acting crazy, too.” 

Nick suddenly fell silent, giving him a strange look.

“What?” Jamie asked with concern.

“Nothing, I…” Nick shrugged. “I just had to repeat that sentence in my head. ‘If I had a kid…’ It’s not something I thought I’d ever hear you say, is all.”

Nick was smiling fondly and though it was oddly sweet, it was also weirding Jamie out a bit. 

“It’s not something I think about often,” Jamie then admitted, “but it’s a thought that pops into everyone’s mind eventually. Right?”

“Right,” Nick agreed, hesitating. “Are you saying that you’ve thought about it? Having kids, I mean.”

“What? No!” Jamie chuckled, though he couldn’t be certain if this was actually true. “I mean, I’m too young to worry about that. Besides, this family is big enough as it is, don’t you think? I’m not sure there’s even room for a fifth member, let alone a crying infant.”

Nick nodded at that, though he appeared to be lost in thought.

“Speaking of members,” he spoke eventually, “why is it only the two of us every single night? I get that Matt needs time with his family, but where’s Alex? I feel like he’s never around these days.”

“He’s busy as always,” Jamie sighed. “This time, I think he went to the gym. Or maybe he’s writing stuff with Miles again, who knows. He’s been working a lot.” 

“Damn that Miles, making him write all these songs with him,” Nick moped. “Did it ever occur to him that we need to spend time with him, too? We’re his boyfriends after all, we should be top priority.” 

Now it was Jamie’s turn to laugh.

“If I’m jealous of a little baby, you’re jealous of a twenty-three year old Scouser. Do you realise that?”

“I just want us to be one big family,” Nick remarked. 

 

XxX

 

Alex had stayed at the gym for longer than he had planned to, but he had needed the extra time to work the tensions out of his body and to unwind. Life was hectic for him sometimes and he knew it. There were days where he lived his life fast, where he filled his moments with people, parties, gigs, social gatherings. Then there were days where he was so busy working that he barely left his room or talked to anyone. Once he had buried his nose in a piece of writing, whether it be his own or someone else’s, he found that he would lose all track of time. His inner universe would become one of isolation and seclusion, he had always been like that. He would forget to check the time. He would forget to plan his chores, his meals, his sleep. He would forget to answer the phone, to text people back.

He could be so out of touch with the world around him sometimes and for that, he felt guilty. He didn’t intend to let his ambition take over. He didn’t intend to be a loner, either, that just wasn’t his nature. Every now and again it just happened for no good reason.

Alex sometimes thought about where he was in life. At twenty-three, he sometimes felt impossibly young and inexperienced. People often acted as though he had achieved too much, too soon together with Matt, Jamie and Nick. They all still looked and acted like mere schoolboys sometimes, but they were schoolboys who had truly caught people’s attention with their music and work. 

Despite all this, Alex could never really tell if he felt successful of not. And if so, he didn’t feel successful for his breakthrough in the music industry, but for his own happiness, for the love that he had found in his best mates. 

He had been lucky to fall in love and settle down at such a young age and he knew it. With Nick, Jamie and Matt he felt like he had a purpose, a home. He knew that what they had was special and he cherished it deeply. 

His future seemed bright, that much he was sure of. And more often than not, he couldn’t wait to find out what life had in store for him next. Perhaps Nick had been right about him after all; his head was full of dreams and his heart throbbing with romance. 

When he’d made it back to the house and he let himself in, it was so late that he had honestly expected Jamie and Nick to be in bed by now, but then he saw that the lights were still on in the living room. 

He was on his way to join them when suddenly, there was a call from Miles. 

Jamie and Nick had been busy blaming Matt for prolonging his stay in Texas, sending him moody, envious text messages, but when they heard Alex come in through the door, already engaged in conversation with another man, it was the drop that spilled the cup. 

“Oh, hell no,” Jamie had uttered dramatically as he had stood up and confronted his younger boyfriend, “you haven’t had time for us all day, but now you’re chattering away with Miles? Hand me the phone – give it to me!”

Alex gasped when the phone was torn out from his hand.

“Jamie!” He uttered accusingly. “What the fuck…” 

“Hello – Miles? Yeah, hi. Alex can’t talk right now,” Jamie spoke insolently into the phone, “he’s been neglecting his family all day.”

“Oh my God,” Nick laughed at him as he joined the two, “are you actually referring to us as a family now?”

“You said so yourself, Nick,” Jamie grunted, ignoring Miles on the other end, “we should be one big family, right? So it’s time that we act like it.” 

“Jamie,” Alex cursed again, launching forward in order to steal his phone back only to be stopped by Nick who threw his arms around his middle, “would you stop being so childish? I am home now, aren’t I? I just need to speak with Miles for two minutes…”

“No way,” retorted Jamie, “I know what it’s like between the two of you. You always say it’s going to be two minutes, but instead it’s going to be two hours. Did you hear that, Miles? Stop stealing him from us!” 

“Do you really have to be so rude about it?” Alex sighed, rolling his eyes. “Nick, let go of me,” he then complained, struggling to free himself. “You don’t understand, I really need to speak with Miles…” 

“Not gonna happen,” Jamie told him one final time as he hung up the phone right in his face, “you may be busy during the day, but you’re ours for the night, don’t you forget it.”

Suddenly, Nick picked Alex up before he could resist again, throwing him up over his shoulder possessively. Alex, who hadn’t seen it coming, was of course complaining and protesting at first until he realised that Nick was carrying him up the stairs, towards their bedroom. 

“If you wanted sex, you could have just said!” Whined the smaller man, kicking his legs until Nick gave up and threw him down on top of the bed. “You didn’t have to manhandle me like that.” 

“Didn’t I?” Nick smirked, already opening his belt in order to yank his trousers down. “You haven’t been listening to reason lately. Perhaps I’m tired of asking,” he joked, though he was making it very clear what he was after.

“It’s not like I haven’t been spending any time with you guys,” Alex said, defending himself. “Why are you mad at me and not Matt? He hasn’t been home in over a week!”

“We are mad at Matt,” Jamie corrected him as he kneeled down on the mattress, inching closer towards Alex. “But he’s not here, so we can’t exactly punish him yet.” 

Jamie hovered above Alex as he pressed his younger boyfriend backwards until his back collided with the mattress. Moving on top of him, Jamie straddled his narrow hips and began to play with Alex’s t-shirt. 

“I – I haven’t had a shower yet,” Alex grumbled again, hesitating. “I’ve been out running. I’m all sweaty.”

“I like you sweaty,” Jamie taunted him, pulling up his shirt in order to expose his skin. “You can shower when we’re done with you.” 

He bowed down to press a kiss against Alex’s bared torso, humming as he licked and tasted the salty skin. He then moved up to kiss Alex’s lips and to occupy his mouth with his tongue so that he could no longer argue with them. 

Nick came up behind Jamie and started to run his eager hands down his back, letting him know that he wanted to join in. Jamie then released Alex’s mouth and spun around to invite the other in. Kissing Nick with a soft moan, he multitasked skillfully in between his two lovers, biting Nick’s lip playfully while tearing off Alex’s clothes with impatient hands, all at once. 

“You guys,” Alex sighed after a while, heaving as Jamie’s hands roamed all over his body, scratching him, feeling him up, “I really should call Miles back…”

“Stop talking about Miles,” Nick groaned, pulling away from Jamie. “We’ve established this already. We’re your family. Devote your time to us and no one else.”

Nick pulled his trousers down, shifted and moved in between the blond man and the brunette. Crouching down to suck and nibble at Alex’s neck, Nick gnawed at him until he had Alex whimpering.

“You’re right, Jamie,” he smirked, “I like him sweaty, too.”

Alex was slowly beginning to surrender, though he knew that he would be blaming himself for his lack of willpower later on.

“It’s just that he’s counting on me to-“

“Shh,” Nick cut him off, clasping his big hand against Alex’s small mouth, silencing him. “Not now, babe. Not now.”

“You talk too much,” Jamie added, siding with Nick. “Here,” he chuckled, pulling his own underwear down, “this should keep your mouth busy for a while.”

Alex allowed Jamie to thrust himself in between his teeth, taking him in as compliantly as he could. He moaned and opened up his throat for him, convincing himself to be selfish after all. As Alex sucked and swallowed around him, Jamie straddled his chest and knotted both hands into his long, soft strands of hair, pulling at it in order to pull Alex’s head further back. Nick watched in awe, smiling excitedly as he pondered with amusement, trying to decide which position he wanted to take the most. With one hand he began to slap and pinch Jamie’s butt and with the other, he reached into Alex’s underwear and groped him cruelly, causing him to yelp. Struggling to choose between the two, Nick laughed and decided to simply wait and see where this was taking him…

It wasn’t until later, when Alex was all cuddled up in between Jamie and Nick’s bodies underneath the covers, that they learned what his and Miles’s phone call had been about. 

“I really should phone Miles back,” he had said, having waited an appropriate amount of time before bringing it up again. 

“And why is that?” Jamie had grunted jealously. “It’s past midnight, anyway. You should stay in bed with us.”

Then Alex finally told them the truth.

“Miles just broke up with his girlfriend. He really needs someone to talk to.”

Jamie’s eyes snapped open and he caught Nick’s gaze. Shit. 

“I’m going in the shower,” Alex then said, removing himself from underneath Nick’s arm and this time, Nick didn’t stop him. “I’m even sweatier than before.”

When Alex had exited the bedroom, Jamie grimaced and covered his face with both hands. Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck-

“Fuck!” He grumbled out loud, kicking himself. “Oh fuck! If I had known that…”

“You didn’t know,” Nick comforted him, closing the distance between them. “Jamie, relax…”

“I’m an awful human being,” Jamie whimpered, shaking his head. “I’m a selfish, heartless, jealous little prick.” 

At this, Nick burst out laughing. He couldn’t help it.

“You are perhaps a little jealous, love,” the bigger man said, wrapping his arm around him, “but you’re not cruel. You didn’t know what the phone call was about.” 

“But I didn’t ask either,” Jamie sighed, biting his lip. “God, I feel terrible.”

“Don’t.” Nick whispered, leaning in to kiss his lips comfortingly. “Hey, look at me,” he said, cupping the blond man’s jaw with his hand, “you’re a good person. Miles knows that. Your mother-hen personality would have been all over him with kindness if you had known about the break-up. He won’t hold it against you. Come here.”

Nick held him close and kissed him again and soon enough, Jamie nodded with a small smile.

“I’ll apologise to him in the morning,” he yawned, resting his head against Nick’s shoulder, cuddling into him. “And just because I care about people doesn’t make me a mother hen,” he added sleepily. 

“Sure,” Nick giggled, humouring him for once. “If you say so.”

 

XxX

 

Matt finally returned from Texas a couple of days later and soon enough, Nick was so excited to have him back home that he had stopped frowning, Jamie no longer had a problem going through all the baby-pictures with him as long as it meant having Matt by his side, and Alex felt blissful to have the whole house gathered again, having missed the usual, perfect dynamics that they seemed to share when the four of them were all together. 

Matt was smiling joyfully the entire time he told the lads about his visit, and his eyes lit up every time he told them about baby Ezmie, every time he went on about how perfect his little niece was, how cute she looked when she was sleeping, what it had felt like to hold the little baby girl in his arms. 

Matt had seemed so thrilled, so happy, that when Nick had walked in on him the following day sitting all alone at the kitchen table, already half-way through his second bottle of beer at only 11am, sporting a heavy, withdrawn look on his face, he had felt instantly worried.

“Matthew,” he had uttered, almost in shock, “what’s wrong? Why are you sat in here like this?”

Matt had raised his head to glance at him, though he had done nothing to contain his pout, his frowned brows. He hadn’t put on a sunny smile for him and he hadn’t bothered to excuse the beers, either.

Instead, he had simply shrugged, concerning Nick further.

“I dunno,” he had replied at first, taking his time as though he was miles and miles away. “It’s just that… Before Texas, I used to think that I had everything. I’ve been so happy here, so happy with you guys that I never thought I could possibly ask for more, but…”

“But what?” Nick whispered fretfully, dreading where he was going with this. “Matt, what are you saying?”

Matt had inhaled slowly, stalling until it became unbearable for Nick to await his response. 

“After Texas, after seeing how happy my brother and his wife are with their daughter,” he had said, “I no longer feel the same way. I don’t feel fulfilled, I feel – I feel like there’s something missing in my life.” 

Nick had felt the colour drain from his cheeks for a moment and so, he had pulled out a chair and sat down, fearing that he might faint. His chest hurt, his insides hurt, everything hurt and stung at Matt’s words. He just couldn’t believe what he was hearing. 

“Are you… Are you leaving us?” He had croaked in a voice that was close to breaking. For a moment, he had barely been able to look Matt in the eyes. He felt like snapping the beer bottle out of the ex-boxers hands, he felt like smashing it against the wall so that he could yell at him and make a scene. 

Matt then looked at him and shook his head, sighing tiredly.

“Of course I’m not leaving. I love you guys more than anything,” he said, but instead of feeling a weight off his chest, Nick listened anxiously, sensing that there was more to come. “It’s just that… It’s different now. I feel like everything has changed. I – I can’t go back to normal. I’m really sorry, Nick, but I can’t.” 

“What does that mean?” Nick urged him, feeling like he was going to go out of his mind. “Matthew, tell me – are you saying what I think you’re saying?” 

Matt nodded. Somehow he knew that they both knew.

“Yes,” he drawled, leaning back in his seat, though he didn’t take his eyes off the man in front of him. “I’ve already made up my mind and I’m not going to change it. I want a baby.” After a long silence that seemed like eternity, he elaborated: “It’s not that you guys aren’t enough for me, it’s just that I want what my brother has. I want – I want a baby. I want a family. I want us to be an actual family.”


	2. The Blood Brother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex doesn't know how to feel about Matt's decision and in the meantime, Miles manages to get him in trouble again.

Alex hadn’t been at home when Matt and Nick had sat Jamie down and told him about their most recent conversation. He had been at Miles’s, trying to cheer him up after Agyness had picked up her stuff and left their apartment for good. 

He wasn’t around to see Jamie’s reaction to the news.

When Matt told Jamie what he had just told Nick, about the joys of being around a newborn, about the yearning for family, for unity, Jamie had been pretty shocked. Just like Nick, he hadn’t seen any of this coming. However, apparently his reaction had been amazing. Apparently, or so Alex was told much later, his reaction had had Matt in tears.

Because despite his evident surprise, Jamie had gotten up from his seat and pulled Matt into a tight embrace. 

He had smiled at the suggestion.

He had laughed happily, instantly open to whatever options they had.

Even Nick had had some time to get used to the idea, seeing as he had been the first to find out. He was no longer weirded out. He was no longer questioning Matt’s decision, asking him if he was sure, if he needed some time to reconsider.

Matt was more certain about his decision than he had ever been about anything. 

In other words, because Alex had chosen the worst of all times to not be around, to not come home, it started to seem like all three of them had already come to some sort of agreement behind his back, having made up their minds about what they wanted before he was even included in the news. 

Alex’s reaction hadn’t come naturally like Jamie’s had.

It hadn’t been good. It had been less emotional, less moving. There hadn’t even been any tears.

In fact, when Alex came home late one night after having spent the entire day at Miles’s, having had long conversations with him about love, about abandon, about loneliness, he had felt exhausted. He had felt emotionally drained, leaving very little energy for what he was about to hear. 

They had sat him down in the kitchen like they had done with Jamie. 

Before Matt had given him his speech, he had paused, watching Alex closely. He had asked him if he was drunk, with only a small tinge of disappointment in his voice.

Alex had shrugged, feeling confused. This wasn’t usually a problem.

“We had a couple of beers,” he had admitted, somehow sensing that this was a big deal. He didn’t understand at all. Had he been out too late? Were they worried that he had once again spent more time with Miles than with them? No, this wasn’t jealousy. It was something else. 

Matt’s entire face looked changed. His eyes were different. Even his words were different, his voice, his intonation. 

Alex could tell that whatever this was about, it was going to be huge.

“Matt,” he had gasped suddenly, dreading that this was going to be horrible news, “what is it? Did something happen while I was out?”

Is someone sick, he had wanted to ask. Is someone dying? 

Jamie and Nick had remained silent behind him, letting Matt be the one to tell him. After all, this was his dream. His idea, his initiative. It was only fair that he should take credit.

Matt had walked up to Alex and run a hand through his hair, appeasing him. 

“Nothing bad’s happened, love,” he had told him, getting ready to talk. “It’s just that I have something very important to tell you. In fact, we all do.”

Alex had felt oddly hurt upon realising that he had been the last to find out, though this was quickly made worse by the fact that Nick and Jamie were already on board, without him having been part of their initial discussion about things. He knew that he only had himself to blame for being busy, for having had his head in the clouds and finding constant distractions, but hell, this was the biggest bombshell that had ever fallen on him and unsurprisingly, Alex soon regretted not being better prepared.

He had looked up at Matt as though he was suddenly a stranger. Someone he didn’t even recognise. 

“You… You want a baby?” He repeated, failing to understand the precise meaning of the words. He didn’t know how to react. He didn’t know if Matt was truly serious. Part of Alex immediately assumed this to be a joke. 

Matt nodded, confirming what he had just shared with him. His blue eyes were sincere, or so he hoped they were because Alex looked bewildered. 

“Al,” he whispered gently, frowning when there was a lack of reaction. “Do you understand what I’m saying to you, darling?”

“You want a baby,” Alex said again, sounding like a broken record. “But, Matthew… What about… What about us?”

“Al, you’re not getting it. I’m not having a baby with someone else. I want it to be with you guys. All four of us, together.” When Alex hesitated, Matt clarified: “I’m not leaving you. I promise.” 

Alex’s mouth had felt completely dry in that moment. 

“But… how?” He looked up to glance over at Jamie and Nick, sensing the fact that they had already come to terms with Matt’s choice. How were they getting it when he wasn’t? How were they so calm? How could they be acting so normal? Alex himself felt like he was going to freak out. “Matt,” he uttered reluctantly, “how are we supposed to have a baby? Our situation is so unusual. It’s unorthodox. I’m not sure any adoption agency would understand how we work…” 

Matt had wanted to smile with endearment at his confusion.

“Alex, I’m not talking about adoption,” he announced tranquilly, sounding like everything was supposed to make sense. “I mean, we could, but… I was hoping that that would be more like a last resort.” 

Matt was talking about getting pregnant. Actual pregnant. Them. Four lads in their mid-twenties. Making a baby with each other. 

Alex couldn’t wrap his head around it. 

“As it turns out, we have options,” Jamie spoke suddenly, deciding to join in as he wanted to support Matt. He could tell that Alex needed the facts, having a hard time picturing any of it. Jamie had spent his day doing all the research together with Matt; he more or less knew how this was going to go down if they decided to actually make it happen. “Do you want me to tell you about them?”

Jamie moved over to the other side of the table, crouching down next to Alex. Alex immediately felt backed into a corner. Soon, the conversation was forced upon him and there was no way to get out of it. Before he even knew how to feel about all of this, Jamie started listing names of doctors, names of fertility centres, medicines, hormones…

Alex wasn’t able to take it all in. It was too much at once. Matt and Jamie were looking at him with eyes full of expectancy and anticipation. Alex didn’t know how to give them what they wanted. He didn’t know how to tell them what they wanted to hear.

Only Nick seemed to realise that he was feeling overwhelmed and overcrowded.

“Alright, guys, maybe we should take things slow for a minute,” spoke the big brunette, feeling bad for Alex who had had a long day and couldn’t deal with all the information forced down his throat. “Alex doesn’t need to hear the names of any doctors, let’s just give him a moment to digest.”

Alex was too torn to feel grateful. His guts were churning and he was fidgeting in his seat. He didn’t get it. How could they all have decided this without him? How could this all be down to him now? If Alex said no, if Alex told them that he wasn’t sure he wanted to be part of this, that he wasn’t ready to become a fucking parent at age twenty-three, then he would be responsible for the outcome. Everything would be ruined without his consent and Matt’s disappointment would be his fault alone.

If Alex decided to disagree with the majority, he would forever feel guilty. 

When Alex was finally able to speak again, he cleared his throat nervously.

“But…” He paused, struggling to get the words out. “But we can’t. We’re – we’re all… I mean, who would..? Our bodies, we… We physically can’t!”

Jamie smiled sympathetically and put his hand on top of his, looking into Alex’s doe eyes gently.

“Yes. Apparently we can,” he corrected him.

 

*

 

That night, Alex tossed and turned in bed, unable to sleep and Matt knew it.

In unison, they had decided to call one of those highly-rated fertility centres in a couple of days’ time and schedule for an appointment. Just to meet with one of the doctors. Just to get a check-up and talk about what their chances were. Nothing binding. No commitment.

Alex knew this was a lie, of course. Matt had already asked that they would all agree to get tested. How was that for commitment? 

“It would increase our chances of getting pregnant,” he had argued, once again sensing Alex’s discomfort. “If we all get tested, the doctor should be able to tell us who’s the strongest candidate. It will be easier that way. This way, we won’t have to decide amongst ourselves. If we all volunteer, the outcome should be fair to everyone.” 

Alex had pretended to agree. It somehow didn’t seem real to him. Although part of him couldn’t stop thinking that since Matt wanted a baby so bad, he should be the one to volunteer and get tested on his own instead of dragging everyone into this, part of him also wanted to laugh, and shrug, and say: ‘Yeah, sure. Let’s get tested, there’s no way I see myself getting knocked up. Not gonna happen. Not in a million years.’ 

His own hesitancy was scaring him, though. How come he was the only one feeling so reluctant about this? How come he was the only one feeling unready? They were all the same age. He would have thought that they would all share his doubts, his immaturity. Matt had always cared about family and he got that. But what about Nick? What about Jamie? They had never before talked about having kids. Alex had never even fucking seen them within a square mile of an infant and yet, here they were, getting soppy and romantic just talking about it. Neither of them knew anything about babies, or parenthood. How the fuck were they supposed to look after a kid? How would they find the time? How the fuck were they going to explain it to their friends and family? 

Their relationship was complicated and controversial enough as it was.

Alex didn’t need this. It had already become something too big, too stressful.

Matt was asking too much of him. 

And yet, Alex had of course chosen not to break his heart. 

Matt reached out for him in bed, after Jamie and Nick had fallen asleep. He didn’t like seeing Alex this way. Burdened. Quiet. He could tell that Alex was keeping his thoughts to himself. He could tell that he wasn’t convinced. 

“Al,” he whispered gingerly, rolling on to his side as he leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to Alex’s shoulder. Alex was facing away from him, keeping to himself. Perhaps he was even pretending to be asleep, though clearly, he wasn’t. “Alex. Look at me. Please?”

He was quiet for a moment. Then, thankfully, Alex turned over and did so. His face was unreadable in the dark. It was perhaps slightly anxious, guarded. He was masking his feelings intentionally, throwing Matt off. 

“Matthew,” he whispered back, but Matt cut him off by pressing a finger against his lover’s lips.

“Alex, I love you more than anything,” he started, initiating a heart-felt moment. “You know that, don’t you? I would never do anything to make you unhappy. And if having a baby would make you unhappy, then… It wouldn’t be worth it.”

Alex had to swallow a lump in his throat at those words. Matt’s kindness was making him feel instantly guilty, not just for putting him in this position, or for not being happy and over-the-moon excited like Jamie had been, but for having let him down with his indecision. If only Alex had been able to decide with great certainty what he wanted, he wouldn’t have been forced to lie, to Matt, to himself. 

When he had given in and told Matt that he was open to the idea of getting tested, he had felt pressured and coerced into doing whatever it took not to shatter his boyfriend’s dreams. 

Alex didn’t want to be selfish. But he didn’t want to be dishonest, either.

“Matt…” He uttered, this time feeling the tears prickle in his eyes. He didn’t know how to have this conversation. He didn’t know how to communicate his feelings and at the same time tell Matt all the right things.

Matt interrupted him again, taking pity as he detected Alex’s struggle. 

“I just wanted to remind you how important you are to me, to us,” Matt breathed, leaning in to quickly peck at Alex’s unmoving lips. “I don’t know if you’re only getting tested because you don’t want to hurt my feelings, but love… I promise. I’m not expecting a final answer from you. Not yet. Let’s see where this takes us. I never want to force you.”

Alex felt speechless. He grew furious with himself. Why did he have to be so difficult? Why did he have to make things awkward? 

“Matthew, I… I’m not just getting tested to make you happy.”

“No?”

Yes.

“No, I – I mean, I just need a little time. This is all very new to me.”

“You’re not excited?”

“What? Of course I’m excited.”

“Alex…”

“Just… Just give me a little time. Maybe when we get the test results back, it will all seem more real to me.”

Matt exhaled quietly. He was touching Alex’s arm, caressing him. He was inviting the smaller man to nuzzle into his arms, but Alex just rested his head against Matt’s shoulder, feeling exhausted and restless all at once. 

“I know that you’re young and you feel inexperienced, Alex,” Matt told him suddenly, surprising the other as he already imitated a parent talking to a child, “and I know that sometimes, you might even doubt your own abilities. I know that there are things that you always wanted to do, but haven’t gotten around to yet, such as starting university. But I promise you that babies, they don’t make you feel old and grey. They don’t make you feel middle-aged, like the best part of your life is over. In fact, I find that they make everything seem new. They make you see the world from an almost golden perspective.” Matt smiled, pressing a kiss to Alex’s forehead. Alex listened to him intensely. “When you hold a newborn in your arms, even if it’s not your own, they just make you feel like the entire world makes sense. They give you purpose and hope. They give a whole new meaning to the word ‘love’. I want to share that with you, and Jamie and Nick. Don’t you see, Alex? We’ll be so happy. You’ll be so happy. I know you will.”

Alex was utterly silent. He let the throbbing of his heart inside his chest speak for him.

 

*

 

They were all scheduled for their first appointment a week later. 

They had been told that they would all undergo a general health check that they would either pass or fail. The doctor had explained to them that in order for their prearranged procedure to be ethical, it was important to ensure that all candidates were fit and healthy to carry a child in the first place. Pregnancies were hard on the body, they had been reminded, especially the kinds that required medical and surgical intervention.

To begin with, Alex had felt slightly skeptical about the whole idea of visiting a fertility centre that specialised in assisted pregnancies. Even Nick appeared to be on his side in this matter as he kept worrying that someone from staff would recognise them and try to sell the story to the media.

Matt assured them both that these doctors and nurses were all professionals and that they knew what they were doing. They were highly regarded, highly-skilled, not to mention dead-expensive, but most importantly, they were nonjudgmental, respectful and discrete. 

“I trust that these people are the best there is,” Jamie had agreed after dedicating hours of his life to reading online reviews and evaluation reports. “Their website is filled with information and reference details. There’s even a list of all the diplomas and scholarships that their doctors have earned over the years. Some of them have even written books about their procedures, guiding patients through their pregnancies step by step.” 

He was loving this. He was loving the work and the studying and he was loving the idea of becoming quite the expert himself. Jamie seemed convinced that these procedures were safe and efficient. 

Alex watched the joy on Matt’s face as Jamie was reading an article about hormone injections and conception out loud to him. It was evident that Matt appreciated Jamie’s enthusiasm and helpfulness and that alone was enough for him to feel guilty all over again. 

Alex hadn’t taken any time to learn about these different steps. He was doing none of the hard work. He didn’t feel prepared at all. 

“You seem nervous,” Nick noted as Alex was about to leave the room, finding it unbearable to hear Jamie go on about the different articles all over again. He pulled Alex aside and wrapped his arm around him attentively. Nick had lowered his voice considerately, making sure that Matt and Jamie couldn’t hear him. “What’s wrong, love? You’re not worried about the test, are you? There are four of us, I’m sure that at least one of us will pass.” 

Alex offered him a small smile, appreciating Nick’s caring. He shrugged his shoulders, feeling like he couldn’t explain it.

“No, it’s not the test,” he muttered, looking down at his own feet, “It’s just… I feel like things are moving very fast all of a sudden. I feel like I can barely keep up.”

Nick laughed quietly, brushing Alex’s hair behind his ears. 

“Don’t let Jamie get to you with all his investigating. He’s driving me nuts, too.”

“It’s not Jamie,” Alex said, shaking his head. “It’s… all of us. I don’t… I don’t want us to change.”

“Change?” Nick repeated, stroking Alex’s cheek. He furrowed his brows, looking like he didn’t understand. “Love, we’re not going to be any different around each other. If anything, a baby would probably bring us all closer together.” 

Alex was about to say something when the two of them were interrupted by Jamie:

“Oh my God, you guys, I just found our doctor’s profile on the website! She’s amazing, she’s got the second highest success rate out of all the medical staff. It says here that there have been no cases of stillbirth under her care, and only once or twice have there been complications during the surgery…”

“Complications?” Matt almost gasped, sounding terrified. “What complications?”

“Oh, come on, Matthew,” Jamie said, rolling his eyes, “there are always going to be risks when giving birth, you can’t avoid it. The fact that her records are so positive should make you confident.”

Nick ignored the conversation between the two and was going to turn his focus back on Alex, but before he got the chance to say anything, Alex eased out of his arms and left the room without uttering a word.

 

*

 

The night before they were scheduled for their check-ups, Miles had called Alex, sounding horribly depressed over the phone. 

It had ended with Alex going into town in order to track him down at one of the bars, and there he found Miles sitting by the counter, gulping down his third whiskey like it was water and looking miserable. 

Alex was instantly worried.

“Hi,” he spoke gently as he sat down next to his Scouse friend, watching his face cautiously. 

“Hi,” Miles uttered sullenly, glancing back at Alex briefly. 

“Are you okay?”

Alex had come as fast as he could, hating the idea of Miles being alone on a night like this. Though Miles looked like he didn’t want to admit it now that they were facing each other in person, they both knew that he needed someone to talk to. Miles wasn’t good at being on his own. He wasn’t good with situations like these. He wasn’t good with endings, or goodbyes. If it was up to Miles, the whole world would be one big laugh; a never-ending party. 

Instead of answering Alex’s question, Miles made eye-contact with the bartender.

“Fill me up, please,” he grunted, “and get one for him as well.”

The bartender reached for a second glass, but Alex shook his head apologetically.

“Actually, Miles, I can’t. I’ve got this doctor’s appointment in the morning, I’ve been told not to consume any alcohol for the next twenty-four hours…”

“What are you going to the doctor’s for?” Miles asked him with a hint of suspicion, looking Alex over. “Are you sick?”

“No,” Alex sighed, biting his lip nervously. “No, Mi, it’s just a check-up.”

“A check-up that you can’t be drunk for? What is it, a blood test or something?”

“Yeah, sure, summat like that,” Alex shrugged; he could tell that his friend was drunk already, “Listen, Miles…”

“Give him a whiskey,” Miles told the bartender again, deciding to ignore Alex’s objections. “You can’t let others dictate your life, Alex… Besides, doctors don’t know everything.”

“Miles, are you sure you’re okay? You’re looking a little rough to me.”

“Bottoms up,” Miles exclaimed simply, pushing the glass into Alex’s hand, “I need you to join me…”

Feeling pressured, Alex hesitated again.

“I really, really shouldn’t,” he warned Miles one final time.

Miles stunned him then by suddenly bursting into tears. Throwing his arms around Alex’s shoulders and sobbing loudly into his shoulder, Miles clung to him pleadingly, desperately, shattering Alex’s heart with his words:

“I can’t go back to the flat… It’s so empty without her… I hate it, I hate it, I hate it…” 

Alex was shocked, struggling to reply to his outburst. 

“Mi, I’m so sorry…”

“Alex, you have to join me,” he begged, trembling all over, “I want to forget… Please help me forget.”

Half an hour later, Alex and Miles had settled down by a smaller table in the very back of the room. Miles had downed God knows how many whiskeys while Alex was on his fourth. 

Feeling intoxicated and affected by the situation, Alex frowned when he realised that Miles had stopped crying as soon as he’d agreed to drink with him.

“You’re such a m-manipulator,” Alex slurred drunkenly.

Miles was grinning and laughing manically. 

“Were those crocodile tears?” He quizzed Miles with accusation, though he was suddenly beyond caring. “Was it all just to g-get me to drink with you?”

“Don’t be ridiculous, darling,” Miles smirked, rolling his eyes at him. “What are you complaining about, anyway? This is perfect. You and me, hanging out like we used to. Not a care in the world…”

“Not a care in the world, eh?” Alex snorted. “How do you do it, Miles? How do you block things out like this?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean… How do you stop worrying? How do you suppress your feelings?”

Miles studied Alex quietly, narrowing his eyes at him.

“Is something on your mind, my dear?” He asked teasingly, though he clearly cared. When it came to Alex, he had always been willing to put everything else aside for him, like Alex had done tonight. They were protective of each other and they confided in each other. They weren’t just each other’s best friends; they were blood-brothers. Companions. Platonic soul mates. 

When Alex shrugged his shoulders again, Miles knew that he was keeping something from him. 

“It’s just that…” Alex groaned and finished his drink quickly, struggling to get his words out. “Miles, do you ever get the feeling that you’re losing control of things? Do you ever worry that something is going to interfere with the way that things are? I mean, when you’ve got a good thing going on… Do you ever worry that it will get ruined, and that you are powerless to stop that from happening?”

Miles blinked a couple of times, looking confused. 

“Al, darling, you’re kind of bumming me out here,” he replied seriously, clearly dissatisfied with the grave tone surrounding them. “Besides, what is it with you and words… You’re always d-dancing around the subject, making it so hard for me to follow you.” 

Miles hiccupped. Alex realised that he had chosen the wrong moment for this conversation. Miles was so drunk, he would probably have to follow him home and spend the night with him, just to make sure that he was okay. 

“I just want everything to be okay, Miles,” Alex smiled sadly, hoping that Miles would forget that he’d ever said anything.

“I think I’m going to be sick,” Miles responded and turned his face away.

The next morning, Alex had left Miles’s flat in a frantic hurry, having missed the alarm and almost forgotten where he was. He was late for their appointment. When he arrived at the stupid fertility centre where they were supposed to meet with their doctor for the first time, Matt, Jamie and Nick were all stood waiting for him outside the building.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Alex had gasped, out of breath and wincing at the way that his head was pounding. “I ran all the way here, I – I was with Miles all night… He was in a bad state…”

“It’s okay, love. You were just being a good friend.”

Jamie had walked up to him and put his arm around him. However, as soon as he was meaning to guide Alex and the others inside, he stopped dead in his tracks.

“Is that alcohol I smell on you?”

Alex tensed, feeling mortified. Matt and Nick turned their heads around to look at him and the guilt was making him feel smaller and smaller underneath their gazes.

“I…” Alex sighed. There was no way that he could lie to their faces. “I’m sorry – it just happened. Miles needed me, he was completely out of it. We – we were at this bar…” 

Nick said nothing, but offered him a sympathetic look. Jamie kept his arm around him, even though he hadn’t seemed to appreciate Alex’s hungover smell. 

It was Matt who made him want to kick himself when a disappointed mien fell upon his face.

“I know you’re having a hard time getting used to this idea, Alex, but I thought that you would at least take it a little more seriously.”

Matt turned his back on him and went inside.

Ruefully, Alex knew that he didn’t have any other choice but to follow after. 

“Here,” Jamie said, digging into his pocket. “Have a mint, love. Do not let the doctor smell your breath.”

Alex smiled apologetically, accepting it. Jamie was being kind on him even though he would have been completely within his right to blame him.

Nick, too, seemed forgiving. Gently, he smacked Alex’s bum with his hand as they started walking, and apparently, that was all the scolding that he needed.


	3. The Candidate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During their first meeting with the doctor, Alex is worried that his hangover is going to get him disqualified. 
> 
> It's time for them to find out who's the ideal candidate for carrying a baby.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait!

As they were sat outside Dr Robinson’s office, waiting to be called inside, Alex noticed Matt continuing to ignore him. He was, of course, keeping it together, acting both dedicated and composed, though Alex could tell that he was still upset with him from the way that Matt would turn his head the other way every time Alex glanced at him. 

He had fucked up and he had no idea how to make amends for his carelessness. He wondered if their doctor would disqualify him for the alcohol that remained inside his system. Perhaps she would flunk him, simply for having failed to comply with her fairly straightforward terms and conditions which had prohibited him from doing exactly this. Yet here he was, hungover and in a kind of shabby state, feeling painfully unfit to meet the requirements of someone committed enough to take his general health test seriously. 

Alex averted his eyes and cringed. He felt angry and frustrated with himself. This was only the beginning and before they had even attended their first appointment, he had already let his boyfriends down. 

Jamie sensed his despair and seemed to feel slightly sorry for him. Moving his hand to rest on top of Alex’s knee, the blond man broke the silence and said:

“I don’t know about you guys, but I have a good feeling about today. We’re all young and healthy. I don’t see why Dr Robinson would fail either one of us.” 

Alex looked up at him and Jamie smiled kindly. It felt good to receive his support, even though Matt kept his silence, causing Alex to wonder what he actually thought to Jamie’s words of reassurance. Just as the tension between them seemed to build up again, the door to Dr Robinson’s office opened and created a most welcomed disruption. 

They all looked up to find a tall, smartly dressed woman in her mid-thirties stepping out to receive them. 

“Matthew Helders, James Cook, Alexander Turner and Nicholas O’Malley?” She asked routinely, even though they were the only four people in the waiting room. When her patients all stood up, resembling small children being called inside the principal’s office, she smiled warmly. “Good, everyone’s here, I take it? Right this way.” 

Matt walked up to her and shook her hand first, after which he stepped inside her office, eager to get started. When they had all greeted her politely one by one, thanking her for seeing them, she closed the door behind them and gestured for everyone to take a seat.

She had prepared for their arrival, Alex gathered. Four chairs were lined up before her desk and in each seat, she had left a copy of a booklet, containing all the guidelines, details and contact information about their practice. Jamie picked up his booklet immediately and started to look through the pages.

“Now, then,” she started, looking them all over individually while maintaining her smile, “it’s good to meet you all in person. I have been going over your profiles and I think it’s safe to say that we’re off to a good start.” 

Matt had taken the seat furthest away from Alex, but now Alex noticed him cheering up.

“We are?” He asked with relief. “How can you tell?”

“Well, first of all, it’s always a good sign that there are four candidates instead of one. It increases our chances significantly. Most of the time, we’re working with couples consisting of two people, of which only one of them has volunteered as the bearer.” 

“The bearer?” Alex uttered questioningly, furrowing his brow.

“That’s usually the term we prefer to use for the patient, or patients, who volunteer to get the surgery preparing them to carry a child,” Dr Robinson explained patiently, meeting Alex’s uncertain gaze. “I realise it sounds a bit clinical.”

“And you would have known all that, Alex, if you had read their website before this meeting, like the rest of us did,” Jamie smirked, poking fun at him.

Alex crossed his arms over his chest and inhaled tensely. Their appointment had only just started, but he was getting sick of all the hassle already, especially with Matt being mad at him and Jamie acting like the teacher’s pet, having done all the homework. Thankfully, Nick patted his knee as a reminder that he was still on his side. 

“Secondly,” Dr Robinson continued, returning to Matt’s initial question, “it’s a good sign that you’re all young and fit. Although, I must stress the fact that we will need to examine each of you thoroughly in order to estimate your general health. We prefer to be careful right from the beginning. The surgery in itself can be a big strain on the body, not to mention the hormones – what we really want to avoid is any cases of immature impregnation. We’ve seen in the past that this increases the risk of miscarriages.” 

Nick gulped at that and seemed somewhat concerned, but Jamie shrugged:

“We’re aware of those risks. Believe me, I’ve read all the articles. We appreciate your precautions,” he said calmly, pleasing their doctor once again.

“I’m glad to hear that you’re so well-prepared. It certainly makes my job easier,” she admitted. “However, before I clear you all for your individual check-ups with our nurses, I feel like I should warn you. We are going to ask you all a series of questions that should cover pretty much every aspect of your daily routines. It doesn’t necessarily take much to fail the test if we feel like your general lifestyle would compromise the safety of our procedures. People have been taken by surprise before. Our conditions can be pretty strict, I’m afraid.”

“I guess that’s for the best, huh?” Matt said, even though he felt slightly intimidated by this warning. “I mean, I understand why you don’t want to take any risks. I wouldn’t want this pregnancy to be… dangerous. For any of us, that is.” 

“And that’s exactly what we are trying to prevent,” Dr Robinson assured him. “Don’t worry. As long as you follow our rules, you should be just fine. We’re good at what we do.” 

“Of course,” Jamie nodded, “we are very confident that you are.” 

“Just out of curiosity…” Nick drawled hesitantly, shifting his gaze awkwardly between Alex and Dr Robinson. “What would happen if, hypothetically, one of us – and I’m not saying that it happened – but what if one of us, accidentally, had a bit of alcohol last night? Would that affect the test results today?”

Alex cringed. Nick was never as subtle as he thought he was. He instantly got the feeling that the doctor knew exactly which of them he was referring to. 

“If that was the case,” Dr Robinson replied pensively, “which I of course hope that it is not – I’m afraid I can’t guarantee anything. You might still pass our test, but we would probably have to look into your – hypothetical – drinking habits.”

Nick nodded quietly. Matt was looking increasingly annoyed and Alex felt himself twisting nervously in his chair. Matt was never going to fucking forgive him if he failed the test over such a reckless blunder!

“Anyway, unless you’ve got any more questions that you would like me to answer in private,” she added, causing Matt and Jamie to shake their heads as they were eager to get started, “I believe the nurses are all ready to see you in about five minutes. I think it’s time that you follow me to the clinic.” 

The female doctor stood and opened up the door for her patients and as she got ready to lead the way, Matt turned around to give Alex a thwarted look.

“Sounds like they might disqualify you if they find out you’re hungover. But perhaps that’s what you hoped for all along?” He whispered disappointedly. 

“Matt, no – of course not,” Alex retorted in frustration, but Matt had already walked ahead of him quickly, catching up with the doctor. Nick, however, came up behind him and wrapped an arm around his middle while they walked together slowly. “Let’s pray there’s fucking hope for the rest of you,” Alex told him miserably, “otherwise Matt will probably kill me.” 

 

XxX

 

They were called into separate rooms by four different nurses. As the first one, Jamie was called into clinic room 9 by a short woman who appeared to be in her late fifties. Then Matt was called into room 3, and he disappeared quickly without looking over his shoulder. Alex and Nick had a moment alone with each other before a tall woman with blond hair and horn-rimmed glasses stepped out from room 5 and called Nick’s name.

“You’re going to be fine, baby,” Nick spoke confidently before leaving Alex behind, “don’t be nervous.” 

Alex barely had the time to actually determine whether or not he felt worried. As soon as Nick had followed the nurse into room number 5, Alex heard his own name being called somewhere behind him.

“Alexander Turner? Alexander Turner, this way, please.”

He got up to see a middle-aged man dressed in scrubs, opening the door to room 12. He was at the very end of the hallway and Alex walked towards him slowly. 

“Uh – thanks for seeing me,” he uttered uncertainly. He had expected the nurse to shake his hand like Dr Robinson had, but he didn’t. This one was straight down to business.

“This way, please,” the man guided him, gesturing for him to step inside. “Now, if you can roll up your sleeve for me and have a seat, we’ll get started shortly.” 

The needle stabbed into Alex’s arm before he even knew what was happening. He felt himself jerking in his seat gracelessly, biting down into his bottom lip as he tried to conceal his discomfort. He had always detested the idea of needles, and of blood, and of drawing blood, but at least he was able to sit through it without falling faint. 

“Alrighty – I think we’ve got enough to work with here,” the male nurse soothed him after a couple of minutes spent in utter silence. “I’ll pull back now.”

Alex was finally able to breathe freely once the needle had been removed.

“Your blood sample will be taken to the lab immediately. Usually we can promise our patients to have the results within the next 24 hours.” Alex raised his eyebrows at that. That was a lot quicker than he had anticipated. The nurse finally smiled at him. “We do strive to let our patients know if they’re qualified or not as fast as we can. Usually within a single day after their testing.”

“Blimey,” Alex whispered, voicing his amazement. “I – I didn’t realise I’d have a definite answer so soon. Does this mean that your decision will be based mainly on the blood sample?”

“Not at all,” the nurse told him, looking like he had expected Alex to know this already, which he probably would have, had he done his homework. “In assessing your general health, Mr Turner, your blood is a mere box that needs ticking. We need to be more thorough than that.”

At that, he gestured for Alex to get up and follow him across the room. Alex was gently directed to stand with his back pressed against the wall and after the nurse had measured his height, he continued to take his other measurements, specifically his waist and chest size. Eventually, he asked Alex to step onto the weighing scale as well. 

“Your BMI suggests that you’re slightly underweight,” sounded the verdict, causing Alex’s stomach to drop, “however, I don’t think there’s any reason to worry. You’re young. You seem strong enough. I would like to measure your blood pressure, though.” 

Alex found himself swallowing a lump in his throat. 

“Is that standard procedure or are you worried that something’s wrong with it?” He asked almost analytically. 

“Standard procedure,” the man appeased him, sensing Alex’s sudden angst. “Come back over here, have a seat.” 

Alex returned to his chair and allowed the nurse to cuff his upper arm before he started to inflate the cuff rapidly in order to assess the systolic and diastolic pressures. Once the result was noted and the nurse seemed happy with the numbers, a stethoscope was placed flatly against Alex’s chest.

“Any family history of high blood pressure? Any heart diseases?” 

“No,” Alex uttered as he tried to keep calm. “I mean – not that I know of.”

The nurse listened to his heartbeat intensely.

“What about diabetes?”

“Uh – no,” Alex negated once again.

“Cancer? Alzheimer’s? Liver or kidney failures?” 

“No, no, and no,” Alex continued. 

The stethoscope was removed and the nurse pulled back, looking satisfied.

“Everything looks good so far,” he informed the younger man. “Your heartbeat is steady and strong. Your lungs sound healthy, too. However, even if your physical health seems impeccable, I’m still required to ask you a series of questions concerning your lifestyle, too. With your permission, that is.”

Alex nodded slowly. He had seen this coming, though he kind of dreaded it. The nurse had probably already smelled the nicotine on him and maybe even the alcohol, causing him to suspect Alex’s bad habits.

“Of course,” Alex replied, forcing a smile. “Ask away.”

“Are you a smoker?”

Wow. Question number one.

“Er – well, yeah. I guess I am,” Alex blabbered, scratching at his neck as he felt embarrassed. “But I would quit of course. If I had to be the – the bearer or whatever you would call it. Not that I think I would get chosen, anyway.”

The nurse frowned and eyed him with a hint of concern.

“You don’t think you should qualify as a candidate?”

“Oh – no, that’s not what I meant,” Alex corrected himself, feeling mortified. “I’m just saying – there are four of us. If there are any problems with me, I don’t mind letting someone else qualify instead.”

“Your smoking wouldn’t stand in the way of us qualifying you. If you quit during your potential pregnancy, it certainly wouldn’t be a problem.” The male nurse studied the younger man, hoping to make him feel better. When he continued to sense some sort of hesitancy in Alex, he pressed on: “On the other hand, Mr Turner – if there was anything that you wished to tell me in confidentiality, now is the time. Before I hand your results over to Dr Robinson, I mean.”

Alex looked up, taken aback by this.

“I’m not sure I understand…”

“Look – if you’re here because you feel obligated to,” the nurse went on, “and not because you actually wish to undergo our procedure, I could always fail you. It would be our little secret. Volunteering as the bearer is a big decision. Perhaps you haven’t made up your mind yet?”

He was giving Alex an out. He almost couldn’t believe it. After only spending ten minutes with this man – this complete stranger who really shouldn’t be able to read his mind – Alex appeared to have given him the impression that he was in two minds. No wonder that Matt, who read his mind better than anyone, was so fed up with his lack of enthusiasm. 

Alex knew he had to make a bigger effort than that.

“No,” he whispered with a subtle shake of his head, “no, that’s very kind of you, but really – I would like to volunteer. I… I very much hope to qualify.” 

“You’re sure?”

“Absolutely.” Alex swallowed hard. “But thanks for, you know-“

The nurse chuckled lightly and gave him a nod. 

“Alright, then. In that case, let me change my next question for you. Is there any reason why I shouldn’t let you qualify? Is there anything at all that you wish to tell me?”

Bloody hell. Alex had never before realised just what an open book he was.

He bit his lip and lowered his head as he gathered the courage to admit his error.

“I – I went out drinking last night,” he confessed finally, inhaling deeply. “I know we were all asked not to consume any alcohol, but… it just happened. I don’t know if this changes anything…”

“Do you have any problems with alcohol, Mr Turner? Any addictions?”

“No.”

“How many units would you say you consume weekly?”

“Oh, I don’t know – usually no more than ten, I think.”

“Would you quit alcohol if you were to become pregnant?”

“Of course I would,” Alex said almost defensively. 

“Good. In that case, Mr Turner, I don’t see why you shouldn’t qualify. You have no reason to doubt yourself.”

Alex found himself taken by surprise all over again.

“Really?” He didn’t know whether to feel relieved or burdened. “But – I broke the rules…”

“It was a one off as far as I’m concerned,” the nurse said with a knowing smile. “Don’t beat yourself up over it. I’m more bothered about your weekly routines. It sounds like you have everything under control.”

“But – I can be really sloppy sometimes,” Alex objected, though he didn’t know where his concerns were all coming from, or why he had decided to voice them here. “I’m messy and – unorganized,” he went on, putting himself down almost compulsively. “Sometimes I work sixteen hours a day. Sometimes I don’t even go to bed. Sometimes I skip meals and don’t leave the house for several days. What if – what if I’m not responsible enough?”

“To carry a child?” The nurse grinned, looking like he could barely contain his laughter. “Trust me, Mr Turner – if you were to be the bearer, even if you think you won’t be chosen – you are going to want to sleep and eat constantly. If anything, a pregnancy would probably solve your… disorganization.” 

Alex fell silent for a moment. His heart was suddenly pounding in his chest, though the rest of his body felt numb. This was the first time that he truly realised what was potentially about to happen, if Dr Robinson did indeed let him qualify.

He could become pregnant. 

Within the next couple of weeks, he could actually be carrying either Matt’s, or Nick’s, or Jamie’s baby, if he happened to be the only candidate.

For some reason, he had believed that he would have failed. He never thought that he would have had to deal with this, or be put in this position.

“Once again, Mr Turner – you do wish to pass your examination. Right?” 

Alex held his breath and felt his head moving as he nodded slowly and mechanically. This was his point of no return. It was too late to back down now, even if he wanted to.

“Yes,” he rasped, finding it almost impossible to think straight. “Yes, I do.”

 

XxX

 

After Matt had learned that the nurse knew about Alex’s drinking, it seemed that the drummer was ready to give up on him. He automatically assumed Alex to have sabotaged himself in order to disqualify, leaving him to worry what their chances were. Though he claimed to have forgiven him, though he stated on multiple occasions that there was no use in holding any grudges, Alex could tell that Matt wasn’t over his disappointment.

“Matthew, I’m really sorry,” Alex told him over and over again, though it didn’t seem to matter however he explained himself. “The nurse asked me all these questions and I thought it would have been stupid of me to lie. He told me that it probably wasn’t going to be a problem, though.” 

“Probably?” Matt would retort with a roll of his eyes. “Gee, Alex, sounds like the odds are in your favour!” 

“Come on,” Nick had interfered, “maybe they’ll let him get tested again?”

“There’s a reason why they are asking to test our blood,” Matt insisted wretchedly. “Do you realise that alcohol can show in your blood up to twelve hours after consumption? If they fail Alex for being intoxicated, I doubt they’ll bother to let him waste their time again.” 

His words were harsh, Alex thought, but fair. Deep down he knew very well that Matt didn’t mean to be cruel. Cruelty simply wasn’t in his nature. Rather, his reaction was an indication of frustration and regret. Anxiety, perhaps. 

He didn’t have to wait long, though. Within the next twenty-two hours, they received the phone call that they’d all been holding their breaths for. Instead of scheduling a follow-up meeting in her office, Dr Robinson had chosen to get back to them over the phone in order to share with them the test results so far. 

The phone only rang once before Jamie practically ran across the room and brushed aside the brochures and printouts that his mobile was buried under. 

“It’s her! It’s Dr Robinson!” He shouted manically in order to alert Nick, Matt and Alex. “Oh my God! I’m not ready – I need to pee! I can’t hear this…”

“Pick up,” Nick ordered him simply as he rushed to Jamie’s side. “You don’t need to pee, you’re just freaking out. Pick up the phone, love, you can do it.”

But Jamie’s hands were shaking.

“I can’t do it – I’m too nervous,” he squeaked, throwing the phone into Matt’s hands instead. “Matthew, you talk to her.”

“For crying out loud, Jamie,” Matt hissed, though he caught the phone and answered it immediately, without hesitation. “Hello? Dr Robinson? Yeah – this is Matt. Thank you for getting back to us. Huh? Oh, great. Hold on, let me put you on speaker.” 

Jamie gasped slightly, sounding like he could barely breathe. Nick had to wrap his arm around his waist just to keep him calm and when he saw Alex walking in the door, he waved him over, too, so that they could hold hands while they waited in anticipation.

Alex took Nick’s hand and Jamie’s in his other. This was it. The big moment of truth. Though he tensed up, he found himself staring into Matt’s face while he desperately tried to read his expression in order to determine whether this would be good or bad news.

Then, Dr Robinson was suddenly on speaker and she was talking to everyone all at once.

“Sorry for the wait, everyone,” the doctor began, dragging the moment out. “I hope you were all able to get a good night’s sleep and that the results haven’t been keeping you up.”

“We’re doing okay, thank you,” Matt told her politely, though it was obvious that he was bursting. “I guess we’re a little bit nervous, but we are more than ready to hear the results.” 

Jamie squeezed Nick and Alex’s hands so hard that Alex thought he could hear bones cracking. 

“Of course. Let’s get right to it, shall we? I wouldn’t want to prolong your wait, I’m sure it’s been torturous enough already,” she joked, though without laughing. “Like I said, I have looked at everyone’s test results and I am finally able to tell you what my decision is. Mr Helders-“

“Matt,” he corrected her eagerly, “please call me Matt.”

“Matt,” she continued, “since you answered the phone, why don’t we start with you? Are you okay to go first?”

Jamie tore himself away from Nick and Alex and went over to throw his arms around Matt instead.

“Yes,” Matt uttered firmly, swallowing thickly. “I’m ready. Please go ahead.” 

“Right, well – first of all I can reveal that your overall health is excellent. You’re in great shape, physically strong and, presumably, more than capable of carrying a child. However,” at the drop of her tone, Jamie went from patting Matt’s back encouragingly to grasping at his shoulders, fingers frozen, “I’ve noted some of the things you shared with the nurse who did your check-up. It says here that you used to do a lot of boxing. Am I right?”

Matt pulled a face, looking slightly stunned. 

“Yeah,” he breathed, “that’s right. I – I boxed for years when I was younger.” 

“Right,” Dr Robinson responded with a pause, sounding like she was trying to add something to her notes. “See, the thing is – we tend to warn patients who practice, or have practiced, martial arts that there is a great risk to consider.”

“A risk?” Matt repeated. “Wh-what do you mean?”

“Can you recall if you’ve ever taken any hits or punches to your stomach or abdominal area?” Dr Robinson asked him vigilantly, though with enough urgency to make everyone realise the importance of her question.

Matt’s mouth fell open.

“I – I’ve been punched everywhere,” he drawled with uncertainty, furrowing his brow, “I mean… it’s boxing. That’s what you do. You practice by throwing punches at each other. But – I’ve never had a major injury if that’s what you’re talking about.”

“It’s not even about any potential injury you may have had,” the doctor explained to him slightly apologetically, making Matt realise what she was saying; she was disqualifying him. “In some cases, taking a punch to your stomach can cause damage that you wouldn’t necessarily be able to feel. I’m really sorry, Mr Helders – Matt – but I’m afraid I can’t allow you to run any chances. I see no other option but to rule you out as a candidate.” 

They were all silent for a moment. Then, somehow, Matt managed to nod and accept his faith. He wasn’t a suitable bearer for their child. 

“It’s okay,” he muttered eventually, running a hand through his short hair, “I mean – I understand why you have to be careful. I get it.”

Nick went over to pull the drummer in for a hug when Jamie saw his opportunity to steal the phone out of Matt’s hands.

“What about the rest of our results?” The blond man asked tentatively, impatiently hoping to move on to some good news. “What else can you tell us, please?” 

“Well, since we’re already discussing some sort of process of elimination, I’m afraid I have some more bad news. I have the test results for Mr O’Malley right here and-“

Nick’s head shot up and he forgot all about Matt. 

“What’s the problem?” He quizzed her before the doctor could even finish. “I’m not qualified either?” 

“Mr O’Malley – sorry, Nick is it? I’m afraid it looks like your blood pressure is slightly elevated. While it’s not by much, it’s enough to make me fear that the consequences of this could endanger both you and the baby if you were to undergo the procedure…”

“What?” Jamie uttered directly into the phone. “Nick has a high blood pressure? Is he going to be okay?”

There it was again; Jamie Cook, mother hen. 

“It’s not dangerous for now,” Dr Robinson soothed them, “Nick is young and he appears to be in good shape, but it’s something to think about. Though I wouldn’t interfere medically, I suggest that Mr O’Malley eats less salt if he wishes to lower his BP.” 

“So he’s not in danger or anything?” Jamie continued, causing Nick to sigh. “How can you be sure?”

“Alright, Jamie, enough,” Nick groaned as he grew impatient and picked up the phone in order to move things along, “let’s focus on what’s important here. We need to hear the rest of the results. Surely some of it has to be positive…” 

“Speaking of which,” Dr Robinson’s voice sounded with the promise of a happy ending, “I have the file belonging to Mr James Cook right here. Jamie,” she told him, “I am happy to let you know that everything looks very promising. I have good reason to believe that you would be a perfectly successful candidate.” 

If Nick hadn’t taken the phone from him, Jamie would have dropped it out of his hands. 

“Oh my God,” he cried, clutching suddenly at his chest. “Are you serious? I’m a candidate?” 

Matt was all over him and Jamie was trembling blissfully in his arms. 

“I’m so proud of you,” Matt whispered, pressing soft kisses to Jamie’s hair. “We did it! I knew it – I fucking knew it!” 

Dr Robinson cleared her throat and attracted everyone’s attention before the lads got carried away too soon.

“That being said,” she continued, forcing everyone to stop dead in their tracks, “it is my obligation to let you know that, though Jamie seems fit, I would like to point to a second candidate whose odds might in fact be even more favourable-“

What? No. Surely not. She couldn’t be referring to him.

There was no way that Alex’s results could exceed Jamie’s. No fucking way.

Alex relapsed into complete denial. 

“Alex,” Matt mouthed disbelievingly. 

Everyone turned their heads to stare at him. 

“Wait,” Jamie exclaimed, “Alex is a better fit than me? Does this mean… He passed?” 

“He sure did,” Dr Robinson confirmed. “Granted, it looks like he would have to gain a little weight in order to preserve his physical strength, but most people do find it easy enough to put on weight in the early stages of their pregnancy, so I’m confident that this wouldn’t be a problem. Either way – compared to your blood test, Jamie, Alex’s hormonal levels appear to be better balanced. Jamie, you on the other hand, show a very high level of testosterone in your blood, which on the one hand is good because it means you’re probably very fertile, but on the other, it could also mean that you would have difficulties getting pregnant if your testosterone levels are strong enough to mess with the fertility drugs we would be giving you. Nevertheless, even if Alex appears to be the stronger candidate, I would still recommend that we test the both of you again…”

Matt had stopped listening.

“Alex… is a perfect candidate?” He wheezed, his voice filling with emotion. “We have a perfect candidate?”

“The most ideal candidate we could have hoped for,” the doctor verified and you could practically hear the smile stretching on her lips, “congratulations, everyone. I think there is cause for celebration here-“ 

Jamie let out a small cry of joy and Nick went to catch him when he thought the blond man was going to double over with excitement. 

“Wait,” Alex interrupted, suddenly wanting everyone to slow down because he for one couldn’t keep up with this development, “I mean – how can that be? A-are you sure? How – how the fuck can I be more suitable than Jamie? I – I nearly messed up my test… I’m a mess!” 

“You’re not a mess!” Nick’s voice sounded soothingly from across the room. “Alex, come on…”

“I realise that you were slightly concerned about your test results, Alex,” their doctor interfered, “but I can assure you, I wouldn’t have chosen you if I had any doubts about your stability. Your blood test came back perfect; even if you are skinny, your vitamin and nutrient levels are good, your glucose, calcium and electrolyte levels are excellent, which means that your heart, liver and kidney functions are healthy. And just to be clear, I mean in case you were wondering, we found no trace of alcohol in your blood sample. You didn’t mess anything up.” 

More praise. Jamie was practically bouncing up and down.

Alex was speechless.

“But… But I – I don’t know if I can do this…”

No one heard him. 

Suddenly, Matt was crying. In a heartbeat, the drummer crossed the floor in order to throw his arms around Alex and hold him close.

“I’m sorry I ever doubted you,” sobbed the bigger man into Alex shoulder, weeping loudly with joy and relief, “Alex, you’re – you’re amazing. Thank you for doing this, baby. Thank you, thank you, thank you…” 

Alex felt like he couldn’t breathe. With Matt’s arms wrapped around him, he felt trapped. And yet, he couldn’t remember the last time he had ever made anyone this happy…

“I love you,” Matt whispered, perhaps because Dr Robinson was still on speaker, after which he kissed Alex’s face all over, “forgive me for being such a jerk. Please?” 

Nick and Jamie joined them, turning Matt’s gesture into one large, messy group-hug. 

“I told you you were going to be just fine,” Nick smiled, running his hand through Alex’s hair. “If you can pass this test, I know you can pass the next one as well. I always believed in you.”

“Unless you choose to go with Jamie instead of me,” Alex joked awkwardly, feeling oddly hopeful for a moment.

Once again, nobody heard him.

“We’re actually doing this,” Jamie declared jubilantly. “I almost can’t believe it…”

Neither could Alex. At once, he realised just how terrifying everything seemed. If he continued to do well and if he responded to the fertility drugs better than Jamie, he would soon be undergoing a surgery. He would be allowing these doctors to meddle with his body. He would allow for them to change his life completely. He would become pregnant. He would be carrying a child – his child. He would become an actual parent. There would be no escape, no outs, no changing his mind. 

But then again, perhaps this wasn’t as frightening as he feared.

Perhaps the doctors were wrong about him.

Perhaps his body wouldn’t adapt, wouldn’t allow for anyone to fertilize him. Perhaps his life wouldn’t be drastically different after all. Maybe there was still time.

Maybe Alex wouldn’t respond to the oestrogen they’d be injecting him with.

Maybe Jamie would excel at this next test and absolutely out-do him. 

It wasn’t too late. Nothing was written in stone, not yet.

Or so, Alex kept telling himself every time he thought he was going to have a bloody panic attack.

 

XxX 

 

Six days later, Alex and Jamie were both injected with the drugs that were going to determine whether or not their hormonal balances would react to the increase of oestrogen in their bodies. If affected by any hormonal changes, Dr Robinson told them, it was a strong indication and a good sign that their bodies were able to adjust to not only the impacts of the surgery, but to the fertility drugs as well. 

In other words, the bigger the reaction, the more likely it was that either one of them would eventually manage to fall pregnant.

After twenty-four hours of their injection, Jamie allegedly didn’t feel a thing.

After just five, Alex broke down crying because he realised he was wearing his shirt inside out.

So much for letting Jamie out-do him…


	4. The Friend in Need

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex has an important decision to make, despite his horrible mood swings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! xx

Alex had felt gross and low-key disgusted with himself all morning which was why he had locked himself in the bathroom in order to take a long shower whilst hoping to keep the others from barging in on him. Normally, he would have invited at least one of the lads to join him, or to let them watch, but this time, he took one look at himself in the mirror and decided that he looked downright horrible. He looked pale and tired; his eyes were bloodshot, his features were burdened by his moodiness and his hair was all over the place, leaving him to feel sloppy and embarrassed with himself. 

It wasn’t just his lack of self-confidence, however. For some reason, Alex was feeling desperate for some privacy. He longed to be alone and to withdraw from the rest of the world, if only for a couple of hours. He felt down, he felt miserable. There was no point in letting anyone get close to him and see him in this state. Then they would only realise just how pathetic he was.

Alex had managed to keep everyone away for long enough to finish his shower in peace. It wasn’t until he turned the water off and wrapped himself in an oversized towel that the lads began to wonder where he was. He watched himself in the mirror and reached for his razor in order to shave off some of those tiny little stubbles he would eventually grow along his chin. Just as the razor connected with delicate skin, Alex was staggered by a loud banging on the door, causing him to jump.

“Alex? You’re in there? Why did you lock the door?”

It was Nick.

Alex hissed and realised he’d cut himself. When the blood began to seep down his jaw, Alex’s eyes began to fill with tears and he had to swallow a lump in his throat. Great, just what he needed – someone to kick him while he was already down. Like he hadn’t looked ugly enough already…

“Go away!” He retorted with a groan, sorrow replaced by sudden anger. “We have more than one bathroom, don’t we?” 

Nick went quiet for a moment on the other side of the door. He probably knew that it wasn’t like Alex to act this way.

“Is everything okay? Alex, can you let me in for a second?” Nick knocked on the door again, making Alex grind his teeth with annoyance. “Please unlock the door, love.” 

“No!” Alex roared. “You can go pee somewhere else, leave me alone!” 

“I’m not here to pee,” Nick pleaded, “I’m here to make sure you’re okay. Come on, Al, you’re making me worried here.” 

“I’m fine! Just – go away!”

“I can tell you’re not fine,” the bigger man insisted. “Look, I know this is a very emotional time for you-“

“You think?!” Alex snapped. “Gee, I wonder why, Nick. Maybe it’s all the hormones you’ve been injecting me with? Like I’m a fucking farm animal or something!” 

Alex knew his anger was unreasonable, but he couldn’t help it. He was so sick of all his mood swings. He was so sick of the way the drugs were already changing him, manipulating with his mind and controlling his emotions. 

“Okay, baby, just calm down. I’m sorry, alright? But you’ve got to let me in so that we can talk. If you don’t, I’m going to have to call Matt and Jamie for assistance,” Nick threatened. 

Alex growled again and washed the blood off his face frantically. Finally, he moved towards the door in order to let Nick in. 

“There,” Alex whimpered in defeat, “now you can take a look at how hideous I am. Are you happy now?” 

The smaller man was already hiding his face in his hands, but Nick seized both his wrists and pulled them apart.

“Hey,” he whispered gently whilst looking Alex in the eye, “what are you on about? You’ve never been hideous. You’re beautiful, you’re-“ He paused when he finally spotted the blood on Alex’s chin. “Oh. What happened there?”

He was going to wipe the blood away with the tip of his finger, but Alex pulled away from him.

“You startled me by banging on the door,” complained the younger man. “You made me cut myself with the razor and now I’m even more hideous than before.” 

Alex was already sniffling. Nick almost couldn’t believe how sensitive he was. 

“Baby, I’m so sorry I made you cut yourself – but a little blood doesn’t make you hideous. You’re still fucking gorgeous, okay? Come here.” Nick wrapped his skinny lover up in a big hug and held on to him while Alex buried his face against his shoulder. “So why were you shaving?” Nick added with amusement after a moment’s thought. “Last time I checked, you have no facial hairs.” 

Nick chuckled lightly.

He shouldn’t have done that.

Alex tore apart from him immediately and glanced up at him with wounded eyes. 

“Are you making fun of me?” At first, Alex’s voice was soft and vulnerable. Then, he seemed to be overtaken by fury. “It’s so easy for someone like you to criticize me, isn’t it? You’re ten times more man than I am. You can grow a full beard in like, a week, can’t you? Compared to you, Nick, I’m just some pathetic bitch with my skinny arms and my lack of muscle and with my hormones being all over the place, but guess what? That does not give you the right to mock my masculinity…”

“Oh my God, Alex stop!” Nick uttered in horror, gripping Alex’s shoulders seriously. “I wasn’t trying to mock you! Where is all this coming from? I mean, listen to yourself-“

“Oh, I’m out of line, am I?” Alex huffed and batted Nick’s hands off him. “Well I’m sorry if I’m not handling the drugs as well as Jamie. Maybe you should put your money into him instead and just stop putting all the pressure on me!” 

“Baby, we’re not trying to pressure you,” Nick objected desperately.

“Then leave my body alone!” Alex shrieked. “Stop trying to change me!” 

With the towel still draped over his shoulders, Alex marched out of the bathroom and fled towards the bedroom, leaving Nick behind, dazed and confused as to what just happened. By the time Nick alerted Matt and Jamie and told them about Alex’s most recent breakdown, Alex had already burrowed underneath the covers of the bed in another attempt to hide himself from them. 

“Alex? You okay, darling?”

Matt opened the door to the bedroom cautiously. When he stuck his head inside, he saw Alex’s tiny figure curling up under the duvet, his head tucked away safely underneath a layer of pillows. His small body appeared to be shaking.

“Leave me alone,” sobbed the brunette and if possible, Alex buried himself even deeper into the covers. “Just – go away. All of you.” 

Matt contorted his face with concern and withdrew from the door awkwardly.

“He’s crying,” he hissed to the others who were stood waiting by his side in order to find out what was happening. “What on earth did you say to him, Nick?”

Nick looked back at Matt with offence. 

“I didn’t say anything! I just – I made a small remark about him shaving and he completely took it the wrong way!” 

“Well, it must have been more than that,” Matt said with a roll of his eyes, “he’s a complete mess in there!” 

“I told him he was beautiful!” Nick sputtered. “Come on, you guys, you really think I would be stupid enough to say anything mean to him? I’m not a jerk!” 

“Forget it,” Jamie butted in, “we all know this isn’t Nick’s fault. Alex’s mood swings are getting way out of control. Maybe we should call Dr Robinson and ask her for help?” 

“I kind of already talked to her this morning,” Matt admitted. “I mean, I wrote her an email just to let her know that Alex has had a reaction to the injections. I told her how emotional he is, but she says it’s normal. In fact, she says it’s a good sign.”

“Well, it’s not good if it’s making him unhappy,” Jamie uttered sadly. “I don’t get it. How come he’s so overwhelmed and I feel nothing at all?” 

“I don’t know, love,” Nick sighed as he began to rub Jamie’s back. “I guess it’s out of your control. Anyway, you shouldn’t be envious of Alex. Sounds like the drugs are totally messing with his mind. He kept calling himself hideous.” 

“He did?”

“Yeah. He’s acting like a teenager with low self-esteem issues all over again.”

“I don’t know, guys, I don’t think he should be alone right now,” Matt decided. “He’s too vulnerable. Someone should really watch over him.” 

“I’m not gonna go in there,” Nick stated immediately, “I’m the reason he’s crying apparently. I would only make things worse.” 

“Yeah, I’m not volunteering either,” Jamie agreed quickly. “Ever since he found out that the drugs are only working on him and not me, I think he’s been blaming me a little. I don’t want to, like, provoke him any further.” 

“Fine,” Matt surrendered. “Guess you’re both cowards. Let me take care of him all by myself, I’ll show you what a caring boyfriend looks like.” 

Matt ventured inside the bedroom once again, believing himself able to defuse the situation and ease Alex’s despair. He talked to him gently and compassionately as he approached the bed slowly, careful not to disconcert the brunette. He assured him that nothing was wrong with him, that this was normal and that he had no reason to doubt himself, he swore that he was there for him, that he was there to listen and to make him feel better, but the minute that Matt made the claim to understand how overwhelming all these new changes seemed, he was met by a pillow to his face. 

“You don’t understand anything! You don’t care how I feel about any of this,” Alex bawled through aggressive weeping, “my body’s just a vessel for you to use. You’re the one who wants to fill up our place with babies, but I’m the one who’ll be left with a big scar and stretchmarks and-“

“Alex,” Matt uttered desperately, “I would never force you to do anything you don’t want. You know that, right?” 

“Oh, that’s right,” Alex sniveled angrily, “nevermind the fact that you would hate me if I denied you the only chance of starting your own family. I would be known as the evil bitch who was too selfish to let you have children just because I’m too fucking shallow to let the doctors cut me open-“

“Alex, no,” Matt pleaded, “don’t say that…”

“It’s true, I am shallow! And fucked up! And selfish! I – I feel like I can’t breathe…”

“Baby, you’re panicking,” Matt spoke with horror as he sprung to the smaller man’s side, “here, take a deep breath-“

“Don’t touch me!” Alex gasped, wheezing hard through his tears. “You’re the one who did this to me, you – you don’t get it…”

“I want to get it,” Matt begged again, cupping Alex’s face gently, leaning in to kiss him. “Please, baby, I love you and I want to help you.”

“Stop it,” Alex choked, dodging Matt’s kiss. “I don’t want to talk to you – any of you. I want – I want Miles…”

“What?”

“I need Miles,” Alex said again with a weak whimper, “I need to talk to him…”

“But – but Al, you can talk to me,” Matt insisted, feeling more than just slightly rejected. “You can tell me anything.”

“No! Go away,” Alex thundered, raising his voice yet again. “I told you, I want Miles!”

“But love, he’s-“

“I SAID I WANT MILES!”

When Alex pushed him away none too gently, Matt had to admit that his fury was beginning to scare him a little bit, despite the fact that Alex was petite and, usually, far from violent. However, that didn’t mean Alex wasn’t going to start throwing objects at him all over again if he wasn’t careful and so, Matt decided that it was probably time for him to retreat. 

“How did it go?” Jamie asked worriedly as soon as he reappeared in the hallway.

“He’s fucking hysterical,” Matt grumbled moodily, looking rather indignant, “someone ring Kane and tell him to get his Scouse arse over here immediately because apparently, I’m not what Alex wants.” 

 

XxX 

 

Miles arrived at their place without having any idea what was going on. When Jamie let him inside instead of Alex, the Liverpudlian couldn’t help but to worry what this was all about. 

“Fucking hell, mate,” Miles uttered with fear when he noticed the sad look in Jamie’s eyes, “you guys didn’t break up, did you? Oh my God-“

“What? No – of course not,” Jamie huffed, wondering why Miles continued to look so unconvinced, “we’re fine, it’s just – Alex is having an emotional breakdown or summat. He appears to be mad at us and we can’t get him to calm down.” 

Miles was knocking on the bedroom door gently when he heard the softest, faintest little sound of Alex’s flustered sobs. 

“Al, darling? Can I come in? I brought cakes.” He paused, but there was no response. “Al, you know I can hear you sniffling, right? Open the door.” 

Suddenly, the door wasn’t just unlocked for him, it was torn open, and before Miles could protect the big selection box he was carrying, Alex had thrown his arms around him and buried his face into his chest. Miles dropped the whole thing and was going to pick up the mess until he realised what an even bigger mess his best friend was.

“Hey – what’s all this about, huh?” Miles hushed him tenderly and held Alex close to him. “What did they do to you? Gosh, you’re trembling.”

He was – Alex was crying so heavily that he was even struggling to breathe.

“Mi, I – I don’t know what to do… I feel so terrible.” 

“Shh, it’s okay – it’s okay. Take a deep breath, mate. Can you do that for me? Come on, let’s get you sat down.” 

Miles ignored the cakes on the floor and walked Alex backwards, gently, until the small man reached the king sized bed and flopped down on top of the mattress. Miles sat down next to him and held him once again when he thought that Alex was going to collapse and roll down on the floor.

“Talk to me, Al. What’s happening? You’re kind of scaring me right now.”

Alex shook his head and choked again. He didn’t know where to begin. He felt embarrassed. How the hell was he supposed to even explain to Miles what was going on? 

“I hate my stupid blood,” Alex wept, his tears already soaking through the fabric of Miles’s shirt. “Why am I born this way? Why me? Why can’t I just… control my emotions? I want – I want my body to be normal…” 

Miles had no clue what he was on about. 

“There’s absolutely nothing wrong with your body, babe.” Miles pulled a baffled face. “Did someone say something about you? Is that what this is about?”

“No,” Alex said with a shrug. “No, I guess it’s not really about that…”

“Then what? Tell me. I really want to help.”

Miles took a hold of Alex’s hand and began to rub his thumb over Alex’s knuckles, soothing him gingerly. Miles had dropped everything he had just to come here and support him, just like Alex had the other night when Miles needed someone. If there was anyone in this world that he could trust fully, it was certainly him. Alex just wasn’t sure if he was actually ready for Miles to get involved, if he was ready for his best friend to know his secret. 

Alex hadn’t even made his mind up yet. Everything was still so confusing, so overwhelming. What if Miles was to take Matt’s side, and Jamie’s, and Nick’s, and immediately back up their wish to extend the family? There would be even more pressure on Alex to agree and to accept his fate. No one would be able to see this issue from his point of view…

“It’s – it’s complicated,” Alex blubbered.

“I have time for complicated,” Miles swore, holding his hand tightly. “Alex, it’s me. I’m here for you.”

“Well… Let’s just say that I – I have this decision to make.”

“Decision?”

“I – I can’t tell you what it is. I just can’t, Mi. I’m sorry. I guess for now, it’s between me and the lads.” 

“But it’s making you upset?” Miles pointed out with wonder, raising his hand to wipe away the tears from Alex’s cheeks. “Are you sure everything’s OK between you guys?” 

Alex bit his lip and felt the tears spilling from his eyes yet again.

“We’re fine, it’s just – I’m scared that something could potentially come between us and – and ruin everything we have.” Alex felt a pain in his chest as he spoke the words. Was he wrong to assume the worst and be this dramatic, or was there a substantial chance that all his fears could come true? He had never before doubted himself this much and hence, his sense of judgment, too. “I – I don’t want to lose them. But I don’t want them to hate me, either…”

“Alex, hold on – they could never hate you. They love you so much. Why do you think you might lose them all of a sudden?”

“Because,” Alex sighed, “something has changed.”

“And is this related to the decision you’re facing?” 

“Yeah.” Alex swallowed hard. “I – I don’t know what to choose. I’m scared that, either way, it will be the wrong decision.”

“And you’re sure you can’t tell me what it is?”

Alex smiled at him apologetically.

“I’m sorry, Mi. It’s not you, it’s me. I don’t think I’m ready for anyone to know yet.” 

“It’s okay,” Miles assured him whilst pulling his friend in for a hug. “I just wish there was something I could do. I hate seeing you like this.”

Miles kissed his forehead and Alex rested his head against his shoulder.

“This thing that they’ve asked of me,” he started reluctantly. “I don’t think I’m ready for it. I’m worried it would be too much, too soon and that somehow, we would grow apart. Or grow sick of each other. I don’t know which is worse.” Alex sniffled again. “But on the other hand, if I denied them this thing – I would always feel guilty. And I don’t know if they would ever truly forgive me.”

“Well, I don’t know what this ‘thing’ is that you’re taking about,” Miles spoke calmly, “but I do know that peer pressure is never a good reason to do something you’re not ready for, whatever it is.” 

“But… but what if I do want it?” Alex uttered with worry. “What if I do want it and I just don’t realise it yet? I would lose out on so much. It could be the biggest mistake of my life.”

Alex looked up at Miles with big, frightened eyes and the Liverpudlian couldn’t help but to ache on his behalf. He had never before seen Alex this anxious, this vulnerable. Like an older brother, despite never having been one, Miles just longed to protect him.

“I could never tell you what you want or don’t want, Al,” he admitted regretfully. “But I do know that, whatever your choice is, whatever this is about, Matt and the guys would never leave you. Not for anything in the world. You are too important to them. They will have your back, no matter what you decide in the end.” 

“You – you really think so?”

“I know so.”

“Thanks, Mi.” 

Miles kissed his forehead again.

“I’m serious, love. What you and the lads have – I know true love when I see it. I genuinely wish to have what you guys have one day.” 

Alex felt speechless. He felt like an idiot for not being able to see things clearly when apparently, Miles had no doubts whatsoever. Was he not grateful for all the tenderness and support he had? Had he completely forgotten just how surrounded by love he was? Could he even trust his own emotions at this point? Had he allowed himself to be overcome by a childish, laughable concern that was utterly unjustifiable? 

He didn’t want to push people away by acting out. He didn’t want to make them resent him; not Matt, not Jamie, not Nick. Perhaps it was time for him to cool down and pull himself together.

“Mi… I feel exhausted,” Alex croaked woozily as he re-arranged himself and rested his head in the other’s lap. Miles wrapped his arm around him without hesitation. “I feel like I’m not myself…” 

“You will be yourself again soon enough,” Miles promised him wisely. “And then you’ll see that it’s not all that bad. You’re going to be okay, love. You’re okay.”

“I’m okay,” Alex whispered to himself, uncertain whether or not he meant it. “I just wish they didn’t have to change me…”

“Huh?” Miles furrowed his brow and shook the smaller man gently. “Al, what are you on about? Who’s trying to change you?”

But Alex was too tired to elaborate.

“Please promise me you’ll stay,” Alex whimpered, even as he closed his eyes slowly. “I want you to stay, Mi…”

“Of course I’ll stay. You’re not alone. You’re my boy, you know that. We have each other’s backs. Always.”

“Yeah. Always.” 

Miles stayed behind and continued to hold Alex’s limp frame for an entire hour after watching him fall asleep. When he felt assured that he wasn’t going to wake up and panic and cry and ask for him all over again, Miles lifted Alex’s head off his lap gently and carried him to the middle of the mattress where he could actually get comfortable. Downstairs, the lads were waiting anxiously for an update.

“Is he mad at us?” Jamie burst out with worry, completely unable to contain himself. “Is he okay?” 

“I think he’s fine,” Miles appeased him, along with Matt and Nick who had joined Jamie in a heartbeat. “Don’t worry, I don’t think he’s mad. I think he’s either feeling overwhelmed, or perhaps a bit confused, but not angry. He didn’t tell me what the whole thing was about, but he seems to think that there’s a chance you guys might resent him over something he may or may not agree to do.”

“What?” Matt exclaimed. “No – that’s not gonna happen, I mean… How could we possibly resent him? Not in a million years!”

“That’s what I told him,” Miles shrugged and offered them a knowing grin. “I think he’s calmed down, but I have to admit, he was pretty upset. I think you better take it easy on him for the next couple of days, just in case he feels backed into a corner.” 

“We will,” Nick swore sincerely, looking somewhat mournful. “Miles, thank you. Thank you for helping him feel better.” 

“Any time, lads, any time,” the Liverpudlian smirked, giving them a quick wave as he headed towards the door. “Just be gentle with him, will you? It seems to me that he’s more worried about letting you guys down than anything.” 

With those last words, Jamie felt his heart shattering in two and as they all watched Miles take off, the blond man knew that he wouldn’t rest until he’d made things right and put the smile back on Alex’s lips, back where it ever so beautifully belonged.

 

XxX

 

Either minutes or hours later, he couldn’t really tell, Alex awoke to the sensation of Jamie’s arms spooning him from behind while the blue-eyed seductor let his lips trail soft kisses everywhere behind Alex’s ear, by his neck, on his naked shoulders. He recognised Jamie’s smell instantly; sweet and musky and strong, just like him. Alex couldn’t help but to let out a small sigh as he felt Jamie’s wet tongue teasing his collarbone. Slowly, he stretched his limbs and rolled over to face his lover. 

They locked eyes quietly and when Jamie offered the brunette a tentative smile, like he was silently asking him how he was doing, Alex knew that finally, the mood swings had peaked and were slowly withdrawing from the hold they’d had on him all day. Because of that, Alex was slowly beginning to feel like himself again. Now, without the panic fogging his mind, it was finally easier to clear his head. 

Jamie cupped his jaw and leant in to kiss him. Alex closed his eyes and parted his lips willingly, feeling his body melt and swoon at the sensation of the bigger man. 

“I love you so much,” Jamie whispered as he broke the kiss moments later. “You know that, don’t you?” 

Alex swallowed hard and felt his cheeks grow hotter. Bloody hell. Jamie had probably told him these words a hundred times before and yet, Alex felt himself growing flustered at the tickling sensation in his stomach. Would this be the hormones’ doing, or was this his body’s most natural reaction to receiving the type of attention he didn’t think he deserved? 

“Jamie, I – I’m sorry for making things so difficult,” he started nervously, but Jamie had no intention of letting him finish his sentence.

“Stop it right there,” the blond man shushed him as he held up his hand to Alex’s mouth and caressed his lower lip with his thumb. “You are going through so much right now. I don’t ever want to hear you apologise, babeh.” 

“But I was acting out. I was-“

“Completely within your right,” Jamie insisted and kissed him again. “Alex, come on. The things we have been asking of you – who wouldn’t be freaking out? And the injections – I can’t even imagine how stressed out you must feel.” 

At that, Alex found himself shrugging modestly.

“I overreacted, though.”

“No, you didn’t. We didn’t give you enough attention. We took your feelings for granted. We didn’t even stop to ask you what was going through your mind.” Jamie looked somewhat ashamed of himself. Alex wondered why. “You know I would do it for you if I could, right? I wish I could let you off the hook.”

“Jamie…”

“No, really. I think it’s unfair that you’re the only one who’s put under this much pressure. It’s not right. We don’t own your body, Alex, or you for that matter. Your choice is all that matters to me. If you don’t want to do this, we have other options. We don’t even need to look into other options right now. We can wait-“

“Jamie, stop,” Alex cut him off suddenly. “You don’t have to tell me this. I know. I know all of that, but…”

“But what?”

“I have made up my mind now. I want to do it.” 

Jamie froze and looked as though a ton of bricks had just fallen on him. His eyes widened like he couldn’t believe what he’d just heard.

Then he began to shake his head slowly, as if in denial.

“Alex, you don’t have to agree to anything right now. Take your time, you need to think things through. This is about what you want.”

“This is what I want,” Alex insisted easily and completely without force. “Jamie, look at me. I wouldn’t say this if I didn’t mean it.”

Now it was Alex’s turn to reach out and touch him. He took Jamie’s hand into his own and caressed it gently. Jamie was beginning to look utterly dumbfounded. Shocked, even. Perhaps he had actually expected Alex to say no in the end.

“Wait – you’re serious?” Jamie licked his lips; his mouth had gone completely dry. “But… Why? I mean – how can you be sure that you’re okay with this?” 

Alex shrugged lightly.

“I guess I had to remind myself how close we all are and how I could never even picture my own future without you guys in it.” His expression was serious and sincere. Suddenly, Alex’s voice filled with emotion and if Jamie had had any doubts about whether or not this was for real, he was now re-assured. “You mean the world to me, Jamie. And I trust you. I used to fear that you know, having a baby meant risking everything that we have, but now I see that this is only going to bring us closer together. I know we’re going to be so happy together. All of us, as one big family.” 

Jamie then wrapped his arms around Alex and brought the smaller man even closer against his chest. 

“Oh my God,” he uttered disbelievingly. “Alex, I promise you – no one’s going anywhere. We’re in this together. We’re solid. We’re growing stronger every day. You don’t ever have to fear that you will lose me, or any of us.”

“I know,” Alex smiled. “I believe it now. We can do this. This is what I want more than anything. Ever since we were little school boys I’ve known that you guys were my family.” 

Jamie let out an excited breath as he, too, got carried away with emotion.

“We’re a family,” he whispered whilst running a hand through his hair. “Oh God, I almost can’t believe it. Alex, I – I don’t even know what to say. Will this make you happy? Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Alex told him honestly. “I have never wanted anything as much as I want this. Let’s do it. Let’s have a baby together.”

Jamie jumped up from the bed and threw himself down on the smaller man.

“Oh my God,” he cried whilst cupping Alex’s face and kissing him deeply, moaning into the brunette’s mouth. “Alex, thank you! Thank you, baby, you’re the most wonderful, amazing, generous person there is. I love you so much, I love us, I love-“ He paused mid-sentence in order to shout from the top of his lungs: “NICK! MATTHEW! GET IN HERE, RIGHT NOW!” 

Alex couldn’t contain his laughter. Jamie’s reaction was everything he had ever needed in order to confirm that this would make them happy, that this felt like the right thing to do. They were ready. Of course they were. He wasn’t going to go through this alone. He had all the support in the world. 

“What’s happening?” Matt cried as he and Nick barged in through the door. “Are you guys okay?”

“He said yes!” Jamie hollered as he straddled Alex and kissed his lover again. “Guys, it’s happening! We’re having a baby! We’re actually doing this!”

Before Alex knew what was happening, Jamie was pushed off of him and was replaced by a bundle of Nick, kissing him all over his face whilst praising him tenderly, and a lap full of Matt, who suddenly broke down crying against his shoulder, overcome by gratitude. 

Surely he had made the right decision.

Alex couldn’t remember ever having made anyone this happy before. 

This almost certainly couldn’t be a mistake.

Alex was almost completely, absolutely, one hundred percent positive about this.


	5. The Surgery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex is slowly preparing for his upcoming surgery, but the lads are not making things any easier for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait, and once again, thanks so much for reading.
> 
> However, I'm still getting some really angry comments on this fic, so let me make it clear: If mpreg fics bother you, just don't click on them. I do not respond to any hateful comments I receive.
> 
> To the rest of you, thanks for the support xx

Sunday morning. Nick and Jamie had left the bed half an hour ago, giggling and falling over each other’s limbs on the way to the bathroom, even as they thought themselves to be quiet and discrete. From behind the closed door, Alex could practically smell the steam from the hot water being turned on, hear the sound of giddy, hushed voices and slow, sloppy kisses being exchanged. 

He waited in bed with his eyes closed until they had finished, until they had disappeared somewhere downstairs, unaware that he’d been listening the whole time.

Next to him, Matt was snoring lightly. 

Alex watched him sleep for a moment. He nearly cupped the other man’s face and kissed it tenderly, but then he changed his mind. Alex let his body roll out of bed lazily as he reached for the nightstand drawer with one hand, searching blindly until he found his only true craving. 

He lit his cigarette and stepped outside on the balcony that had a nice view over the backyard and the tall trees. Out here, Alex felt like he could breathe and find some piece of mind. It was a cold, misty morning that had him shivering delicately, but he didn’t mind. Being in a relationship with three other men – three bigger, fiercer, at times more headstrong, though wonderful men who all took up so much space and craved all his love and attention – Alex had taught himself to appreciate each rare, precious moment he had to himself. He didn’t usually feel crowded. He was genuinely grateful for what he had, of course. It was just that, with the prospects of having a child – of growing another human being inside his very body – he was beginning to realise that he would probably never have these moments of total privacy ever again. 

“Al? What are you doing out here, love? You must be freezing your gorgeous arse off.”

Matt suddenly came up behind him and smacked his bum playfully, causing Alex to nearly drop his cigarette. For a moment, he was disappointed to have been interrupted. He had tried so hard not to wake up Matt on his way out here. But then Matt wrapped his strong arm around his shoulders and pulled him close against his body, and all Alex sensed was warmth. This time, he couldn’t help but to reach up and press a chaste kiss to the ex-boxer’s lips. They both smiled at each other quietly. Then Alex nuzzled closer into Matt and rested his head on his lover’s shoulder.

“M’not cold anymore,” Alex uttered lamely, though Matt was kind enough not to mock him. “Sorry I woke you up, baby.” 

“I wanted to be woken by you,” Matt replied, equaling Alex’s sentimentality. “Huh. Do you always start your day with a smoke before breakfast?” 

At that, Alex shrugged. He caught Matt staring at the cigarette in between his fingers. He suddenly wondered if he was bothered by what he saw. 

“I dunno. I guess it helps me relax sometimes,” Alex admitted. 

“Relax? You’re nervous about things, darling?”

“No, I – I didn’t mean it like that,” Alex said, forcing a smile. “I just haven’t slept too well for the past couple of nights. Makes me crave these things more,” he explained as he, reluctantly, took another drag. 

Matt continued to watch him. He didn’t look too pleased. Alex exhaled shakily. 

“About that,” Matt began and Alex knew immediately where this was going. “I’ve been meaning to ask – don’t take this the wrong way, love, but when exactly are you planning on quitting?” 

Alex swallowed a lump in his throat. Just like that, the sense of intrusion was back.

“My surgery is not for another week,” he responded as he realised just how weak his excuses sounded. “I mean, it’s not like I’m even able to get pregnant yet.” 

“The longer you drag this out, the harder it’s going to get,” Matt reasoned and suddenly, he motioned to carefully seize the cigarette from out of his hand. “I only want what’s best for you,” Matt remarked gently as he dropped the cigarette and ashed it with the heel of his slippers, “I want you to be as healthy as you possibly can be.”

Alex tried his hardest not to look irritated with him.

“I know,” he muttered, digging his nails roughly into the flesh of his palm as he forced himself to accept all these new changes. “I have already cut back a lot, obviously. As much as I can, at least.” 

“I know it’s not easy,” Matt spoke sympathetically and pulled the brunette in for a much tighter hug. “But I’m so proud of you. I swear to God, Al, you’re so strong. Stronger than you know.” The two of them shared a languid kiss and Alex couldn’t help but to hum slightly as Matt’s fingers began to caress his cheeks and pet his hair. “The good news is that quitting is probably going to increase your appetite. Or at least, that’s what I hear people say.”

Alex couldn’t help but to pull a skeptical face. 

“So what? I’m supposed to replace the cigarettes with food?”

“Oh come on,” Matt grinned, “Dr Robinson said you could do with it. You need to gain at least some weight, remember? I want your body to be a little more resistant.” 

Matt leaned in and began to kiss Alex’s neck tenderly, acting like he had just paid him a compliment. Although all that Alex heard was Matt confessing to him that his physique still wasn’t good enough in his eyes. 

“My body’s plenty resistant, thank you,” Alex uttered with a hint of annoyance as he pushed Matt away from him. “See? I’m resisting you right now.” 

Matt seemed to detect his mistake.

“Babe, you know I didn’t mean it like that,” he defended himself and approached Alex again. Alex pressed his palm against Matt’s chest and pushed him backwards, this time playfully. Matt caught the look in his eyes and smiled widely. “Oh, I see – I need to make it up to you, don’t I? I owe you my most sincerest apologies.” 

Alex smirked with a shrug, pretending not to be so obvious about what he wanted. 

“Perhaps,” he taunted stubbornly, alluring Matt further.

“Come here, beau,” Matt sweet-talked him as he finally managed to take Alex back into his arms. “Clearly I’ve been an idiot. Because I’m the one who absolutely cannot resist you.”

Suddenly, Matt picked him up from the ground and Alex let out a small squeal as he was thrown over the bigger man’s shoulder. When Matt walked them both towards the bed, Alex let out a giggle in surrender. 

“Gentle,” he heard himself begging as he clung to the other man, “please, don’t drop me…”

“I’ve got you,” Matt told him as he knelt down on the mattress and put his hands around Alex’s waist, “don’t worry, love, I’m going to make you feel real good…”

Alex was able to find his footing as he slid off Matt’s shoulder and let himself fall backwards. As he landed with his back against the mattress and sank into the pillows, he only had a second to make himself comfortable before Matt plumped down on top of him, splaying Alex’s legs open with his eager hips. Alex sighed into Matt’s mouth as they kissed each other hard and fast, after which he reached down to yank off the drummer’s boxer briefs.

“Not so fast,” Matt interrupted him, breathing hotly against Alex’s ear as he grasped both his hands, “let’s take care of you first…”

Alex practically kicked off his underwear; he wasn’t going to argue with that. When Matt pinned down his hands and began to kiss his naked chest and torso teasingly, Alex arched his back desperately and breathed heavily. All the stress, all the worrying he had carried within himself seemed to vanish gradually as Matt slid down his body even further and gave his exposed bellybutton a perky lick. 

“Yes,” he uttered encouragingly as Matt started moving again, tracing his teeth across Alex’s skin, biting him softly, “oh fuck…”

When Matt finally held him in place by pressing his hands firmly against his bony hips and lowered his head to take him into his mouth, Alex jerked his pelvis upwards and threw his head back. He felt suddenly maddened with lust, with ache. 

“Oh God,” he hummed, arching his back once again as Matt began to suck, “Maffew…” 

“You’ve been so good lately, so strong,” Matt praised him, his voice muffled as he didn’t pause to release Alex. “I’m going so reward you. I’m going to make you scream…” 

Alex was painfully ready for it. When Matt began to use his tongue on him, he almost cried as the sensation caused him to clutch at the bedsheets and tighten both his hands into fists. Matt saw his reaction and grinned cruelly, speeding up his pace as he took him even further into his mouth and swirled his tongue around him. Alex shook visibly and bit his lip hard, failing to suppress a prolonged moan.

“Fuck,” he managed in between helpless gasps. “Matt – I c-can’t…”

“Give in, love. Let me hear you cry for me.”

“Maffew – you’re – killing – me…” 

Matt sped up again, bobbing his head back and forth vigorously completely without mercy. Alex convulsed desperately underneath him and, finally, with a choked sob, he submitted to the power being exercised over him. While his orgasm caused him to writhe and twist against the bedsheets, Matt eyed him smugly, admiring the curve of his body as he moved ever so passionately, and swallowed around him securely, making sure not to let his lover’s fluids go to waste. 

“You’re so tasty, do you know that?” The drummer smirked after he’d licked Alex clean. “I can never get enough of you. You always leave me hungry for more.” 

Alex, still catching his breath, threw an arm over his eyes and splayed out his limbs. 

“Fuck me… I’m completely spent.”

“Oh no you’re not,” Matt corrected him, “I’m not done with you yet.”

He undressed himself with determination as he went up to straddle Alex’s thighs suggestively. Holding his erection proudly in his hand, Matt let his other hand travel across Alex’s abdomen, tickling his skin teasingly. 

“If you get what I’m saying,” Matt winked, confident as ever.

“Is that really how you’re planning to win me over?” Alex responded with an amused smile as he sat himself upright and pulled the other man in for a kiss. 

“Already have, love,” Matt stated cockily, after which he pushed Alex back down against the mattress so that he could mount him properly. 

Naturally, Alex folded. As Matt moved on top of him, he simply wrapped his arms around him and spread his legs open once again.

“Naughty boy,” Matt whispered tauntingly, silencing Alex’s laugh with a deep kiss. “You could never say no to Daddy’s big cock, could you?”

Alex practically began to purr as he decided to reach down between his lover’s legs to cup a feel. 

“So big,” he humoured him with a chuckle, though he was obviously gagging for it. “Need you to wreck me, Daddy.” 

Matt’s cock twitched at those words and his belly filled with a warm, tickling sensation. He couldn’t wait any longer. Not when Alex was looking up at him like that; his head thrown back with his long curls falling around his face angelically, and his big, brown eyes meeting his gaze so trustfully, so adoringly. 

Matt couldn’t help himself. He pressed their lips together urgently and cupped Alex’s cheeks with the intention of caressing his soft skin in between his fingers.

“I hope the baby gets your eyes,” he whispered suddenly, taking even himself by surprise, though the praise was nothing but tender, and heartfelt. 

Alex shifted underneath him as he seemed to pull away from the kiss altogether.

“What?” 

“I said-“

“I heard you,” Alex cut him off, acting somewhat uncomfortable. “It’s just – I dunno, let’s not talk about babies right now.” 

“Are you serious?”

“What? I mean, it’s – it’s off-putting, isn’t it?”

“You think that babies are off-putting? Alex, come on…”

“Matt, I just called you Daddy! And we’re naked, and you’re on top of me, and we’re about to – you know… It’s weird!” 

Matt sat himself upright, though he didn’t dismount the smaller man.

“Don’t worry, babe, even when I’m someone else’s Daddy, I’ll still be yours,” he promised jokingly, though Alex didn’t seem to find it funny.

“Can we please not talk about babies right now?” The brunette pleaded somewhat desperately, looking increasingly ill at ease. “I mean, not with your boner right in front of me, at least. Please?” 

“God, Alex,” Matt responded with a small huff, “you’ve got to get over your awkwardness. I mean, what are you going to do in nine, maybe ten or eleven months when we’re sharing our bedroom with a wee one? Are you going to refuse to have sex with us just because there’s a baby present?” 

Alex hadn’t even thought of that. Something about that image had his skin crawling, but he knew very well that he had to keep it together before Matt would become truly upset with him.

“You’re right, I’m sorry – it’s just a lot to get used to,” Alex uttered quickly, partly because he was still trying to convince himself that this was no big deal, partly because he was just dying for Matt to stop talking and simply stick it in him; his insides were suddenly throbbing with need and desire and if Matt left him untouched for much longer, there was a very real chance that he would lose it. “Can we just – you know, go back to talking dirty without mentioning any baby stuff? Is that okay?”

His hands began to rub against Matt’s thighs as he was silently asking him not to be angry with him and it was working. Alex knew that it was.

“You’re weird. You know that?” Matt said it affectionately. Much to Alex’s relief, he smiled down at him as he wrapped his hand around his cock again and stroked it slowly in order to ready himself. “You can still call me Daddy, though. Right?”

“Right,” Alex agreed keenly, “just fuck me already. I need you, Daddy. Need you so bad.” 

“Turn over, baby – oh I’m sorry. Am I still allowed to call you that?” 

Alex rolled his eyes at Matt’s banter. 

“Ha ha, very funny,” he uttered with a small grunt as he rolled onto his stomach and hoisted his arse up in the air for Matt to claim. “Now will you please fuck me?” 

Matt reached for the lubricant kept in the drawer by the bed, slicked himself up nicely, smacked Alex’s left cheek hard, and did exactly that. 

By the first thrust already, he had Alex moaning into his pillow.

“Fuck yeah… Maffew, you’re so big…”

“You bet your skinny arse I am,” Matt talked back to him as he gripped Alex’s shoulders and drove himself into him even harder. “Take it all,” he teased the smaller man as he pounded against him using his full weight. “Feel my girth!” 

Alex gasped dramatically as he pushed his small hips back against him, accepting every shattering thrust that could have easily split him in two. 

“Fill me up, Daddy,” he wheezed mischievously as he dug his nails into the pillows and arched his back. “I want to feel you for days to come!” 

“Oh, after I’m done with you, sweetheart, you won’t even be able to walk straight,” Matt groaned in his ear, after which he let his teeth sink into the smooth skin of Alex’s neck. Biting him playfully, Matt caused Alex to whimper and mewl for him.

“Harder,” the brunette pleaded blissfully, closing his eyes tightly shut. “Fuck me harder, Daddy…”

Granting his wish, Matt soon adapted a pace that allowed him to impale Alex with brutal force. Driving himself in and out of him fast and vigorously, he found it necessary to hold onto the narrow hips beneath his own in order to balance himself. Alex’s skin was so hot, so soft to the touch. Matt wanted to cover his lover’s body in his own sweat, and after that, his semen, too. He wanted to mark him. Brand him with his fluids. He wanted their bodies to stick together, and never break apart. 

“So good,” Alex hummed ecstatically, letting his mouth fall open as his mind switched off and his thoughts grew increasingly incoherent. Matt suddenly clutched at his hair and pulled his head backwards, dominating him fiercely while he hammered himself into him repeatedly. At the sound of Matt’s balls slapping against his skin, Alex bit his lip and grinned. “So brutal,” he praised the drummer, stroking his ego further, “Daddy’s gonna leave bruises between my legs again.” 

His words spurred Matt on and he knew it. When Matt practically growled and smacked against him with all might, Alex couldn’t help but to smile proudly. He was getting pounded – absolutely fucked through the mattress – and he loved it. It was the best medicine, the fastest way to kill off his anxiety. This was exactly what he’d needed all along; a good, solid, feral fuck. His prostate was getting absolutely pulverized and so, Alex braced himself at the prospects of coming for the second time. 

The sound of Matt’s phone threw them both off suddenly. 

“Sorry babe, just a sec…”

Alex’s eyes sprang back open as he felt Matt rearranging himself on top of him.

“Matt, wait – no, just leave it. Please…”

“It’s just a text. Let me check real quick.”

“But…” Alex had to keep himself from grunting in frustration. “But I was so close…”

Matt ignored him as he reached for his phone by the nightstand and brought it closer to his face. Alex shifted impatiently underneath him and kicked out his legs, feeling rather perturbed that Matt had chosen to break character over a God damn text message. He had come down from his high all too quickly and now he found that the lustful, erotic illusion had been shattered completely. 

“Matt,” he complained once again, “please, baby, put that away. I need you. Don’t stop.” 

Matt had the nerve to even laugh at him as Alex pushed his arse up against him suggestively, as though trying to entice him. 

“Alright, alright, love, just gimme me a sec,” he chuckled, ignoring the frown on Alex’s face, “it’s from Gary. I think he’s sent me a picture.” 

“You can look at that in five minutes. Come on, baby, don’t leave me hanging,” Alex tried one last time.

“Oh my God,” Matt cooed suddenly, making Alex realise that he’d looked at the picture already, “this has got to be the cutest thing I’ve ever seen!” 

At those words, Alex felt his heart sinking just a little bit. The spell had been broken and Matt was no longer in the moment with him. 

“Let me guess,” he uttered, trying so hard to mask his displeasure, “did Gary sent you another baby picture?”

“Al, I swear to God, she looks like a little angel. She’s sleeping with her arm around the teddy bear I got for her when I was in Texas. I bet she likes it ‘cause it smells of her uncle Matt,” he added with satisfaction. Alex was barely listening at this point. “God, I miss her little face, and her chubby little fingers…”

Without even thinking, Matt thrust back inside him, picking up his pace and causing Alex to startle. When he felt Matt impaling him until he was balls-deep, keeping a lazy rhythm, he felt himself tensing up around the member that now seemed like an intrusion inside his body. 

“Wh-what are you doing?” He sputtered, turning himself around to glare at the other man. “Matt, seriously-“

“Oh, sorry babe – you want to see the picture as well?” Matt then proceeded to hold the screen right next to Alex’s face, allowing him to show off his baby niece without even knowing, without even realising-

“No!” Alex objected with horror, tearing his eyes away from the small screen. “What is the matter with you? Pull out! Pull out of me right now!”

“What’s wrong?” The drummer uttered, sounding completely dumbfounded. “Alex?”

“Get off me,” cried the smaller man as he began to push him off his back. “We can’t do this – this is so wrong. What were you even thinking?” 

“What?” Matt demanded once again, not seeing the issue. “Alex, what are you so hysterical for? Ow – stop shoving me!”

But Alex didn’t stop until he had managed to escape from underneath his lover. Jumping out of bed, he stood and began to search the floor in order to retrieve his discarded underwear. 

“You seriously thought I was gonna let you fuck me with the picture of your niece dangling before my eyes?” He huffed madly as he began to dress himself. “I can’t fucking focus with you going on about babies every fucking minute, I told you already-“

“Hey, stop – wait a second,” Matt pleaded with him as he finally put his phone away. “Don’t you think you’re overreacting just a little bit?”

“Overreacting? I don’t want to look at other people’s babies when you’re inside me! It’s simple as that!” 

“You know what, Alex, I’m starting to think you don’t even like children,” Matt hit back at him, though he was mostly joking. “Just stop being such a diva and come back to bed. I’ve turned my phone off.” 

“No,” Alex refused moodily, “I’m not having sex with you, I’m no longer in the mood I’ll have you know.” 

“Oh come on!” Matt grumbled. “I haven’t even come yet! Fuck sake, love, I sucked you off! The least you can do is return the favour!”

“Ha!” Alex laughed mockingly. “I don’t think so!”

“Alex, darling, don’t ruin this! Please? It felt so amazing. I need your tight little arse, baby.”

“I didn’t ruin this, you did,” Alex snorted as he pulled a t-shirt over his head and searched for a pair of shorts. “And you know what? Stop calling me baby. It’s weirding me the fuck out right now!” 

Matt couldn’t keep a straight face any longer. At Alex’s melodramatic behaviour, he suddenly burst out laughing. 

“You’re acting so hormonal right now,” he teased him, “do you know that?” 

Alex rolled his eyes at him furiously.

“Yeah, well, maybe I would have been chiller if you would at least have allowed me my cigarette.”

Matt just laughed at him even louder this time.

“You know what,” Alex snarled at him, “the joke’s on you because I’m so out of here! Enjoy wanking yourself off without me!”

He stormed out of the room and slammed the bedroom door loudly without giving Matt another chance at a comeback. He knew he was being difficult (bitchy, even), but still, deep down he was convinced that he was somehow in the right and that Matt, damn him and his wonderful, big cock that still had him thirsting for it, was in the wrong. Not only for acting so mindlessly, but for disregarding and making fun of his feelings. Was it normal for couples to look at baby pictures while naked and erect? Alex had no idea. It had felt inappropriate to him. Uncomfortable. He much preferred to keep things separated while Matt seemed more than happy to ignore all the lines that he had just blurred. 

Arriving downstairs, he headed straight towards the kitchen. His hands were practically shaking. He needed release. He needed to forget about how amazing Matt’s fucking him had been, because no matter how badly he needed it, there was no way that he could go back up there. 

He needed a distraction. He needed something for his nerves. 

“Oh God, I need a coffee so bad,” he announced twitchily as he opened the door to the kitchen and walked in on Jamie giving Nick a handjob underneath the kitchen table. “Is there any left in the pot?” 

He walked straight past both his lovers, ignoring their business, ignoring Nick jumping at the sound of his voice and Jamie retreating his hand from Nick’s boxer shorts shamefully. 

“Well, good morning to you, too, sunshine,” Nick said with an amused smirk as he and Jamie both turned their heads around to follow Alex’s every move. “What’s with all the yelling we heard from upstairs?” 

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Alex groaned as he weighed the coffee pot in his hand, relieved to find that it was still half-full. “Helders is driving me absolutely crazy.” 

“Helders?” Jamie chuckled. “Man, he must have really pissed you off for you to use his surname.” 

Alex sighed tiredly.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he told them once again as he poured himself a cup and opened the fridge. “Do we have any milk left? I never liked the taste of black coffee in the morning.” 

“Yeah, about that,” Nick started somewhat hesitantly, alerting Alex that he wouldn’t like what he was about to hear. “Jamie and I have been talking…”

“About what?” Alex interrupted him. “Milk?” 

“No, not milk. Coffee,” Nick corrected him nervously. “Well, caffeine actually.” 

“Basically,” Jamie joined in, “we were wondering if, well – uh – it might be time for you to try and rethink some of your habits. For the baby, I mean.”

Alex forgot what he was doing and spun around, leaving the door to the fridge open.

“The baby? There is no baby – I haven’t even had the surgery yet,” he uttered, feeling slightly scandalised. 

“I know, love,” Jamie told him gently, “but we figured that once you’ve had your surgery, it’s only going to be a matter of time… And changing your habits could take some time to get used to. We thought maybe it would be a good idea for you to get ahead of that, you know, before you get pregnant. That way you wouldn’t have to struggle with your addictions so much when there is a baby to consider.” 

Alex felt lost for words. 

“My addictions?” He repeated disbelievingly. “This is coffee we’re talking about.” 

“Which is highly addictive,” Nick added remorsefully, hating the look of hurt in the brunette’s eyes. “Along with, you know – the nicotine.” 

Alex put his coffee mug down and sighed with exhaustion. 

“Come on guys, Matt has already been on my case about the cigarettes,” he moaned grumpily. “Now you’re gonna tell me I can’t even have a cup of coffee?” 

“Actually, you would still be allowed one cup of coffee every once in a while when you’re pregnant,” Jamie chimed in, thinking this information would cheer him up. “However, if you regularly have more than 200 milligrams of caffeine, you will have a higher risk of having a baby with a low birth weight. Or so I read.” 

Alex glared at him silently without looking any happier at all. 

“Sorry, darling,” Nick said as he stood up and walked over to close the fridge seeing as Alex remained frozen. “We really don’t mean to gang up on you and we certainly don’t mean to pressure you. We just thought that if you cut back on the caffeine now, you wouldn’t feel tempted to break the rules-“

“Once there’s a baby to consider,” Alex huffed as he finished the sentence for him. “I get it. Fine. Whatever. I’ll pour this out.”

He knew that he was being overly dramatic again. He didn’t even love coffee that much. But as he started to pour the coffee he thought he’d needed so badly into the sink, he thought it might as well be another fragment of his already compromised freedom disappearing slowly down the drain. 

“Alex,” Jamie began, his voice heavy with worry, “I’m sorry. It was only a suggestion-“

“It’s fine,” Alex cut him off sharply. He was no longer in the mood to listen. “I mean, who cares, right? My needs aren’t as relevant as the ones of fetus which – by the way – doesn’t even exist yet!”

“Alex, please. We didn’t mean it like that,” Nick protested, but when he approached him, Alex wouldn’t let him touch him. 

“No, don’t – I’m really sorry, guys, but I’ve had such a crappy morning. And all I wanted was a hot drink to calm me down, and I can’t even have that. And I know I’ve had a lot of mood swings recently, and I know that I’ve been difficult to deal with,” Alex reasoned, even as he felt the tears prickling in the corners of his eyes, “but do you have any idea how hard this is? I mean – this sucks! It SUCKS, okay? I can’t have cigarettes, I can’t have alcohol, I can’t have my coffee in the morning – for fuck’s sake, I can’t even have sex anymore without getting caught up in all this baby fever that everyone seems to be infected with!” 

“What are you on about?” Nick soothed him, and this time, he managed to wrap his arm around Alex’s shaking shoulders. “Of course you can still have sex. Is that what all this is about? You’re worried we’ve forgotten how gorgeous your arse is?” 

Nick smacked his backside playfully, but Alex was far too agitated to fall for it that easily.

“This isn’t about my arse, Nick – this is about all of you getting carried away and agreeing on all sorts of changes that you’ve discussed behind my back, even though I’m the one who will have to do all of the work! Do you think these changes affect you like they will affect me? It’s not like you guys are cutting out coffee or alcohol out of solidarity. How about I take away your drinks, or your soft cheeses, or your dairy products, see how you guys feel about that?”

Alex was feeling feisty and he knew that the entire house was probably sick of his moods already, but he couldn’t help it. He wasn’t even pregnant yet and already he wondered how he was supposed to go through the next nine months without suffering an emotional breakdown. 

The room fell silent and Alex cringed as he realised he’d made Jamie and Nick uncomfortable. 

“I’m sorry,” he blurted out again, lowering his voice as he feared he was starting to sound crazy, “it’s not you, it’s me. God, I’m feeling so irritable. Matt convinced me to quit the cigarettes and then he was calling my body weak, which lead us to having sex because he was trying to say sorry, although we never got to finish because his brother started sending him baby pictures,” Alex explained tiredly. “And then I got mad at him for showing me his niece’s picture while he was still fucking me…”

“He what?” Jamie coughed as he’d nearly choked on his drink. “Is that what your argument was about?” 

Alex opened his mouth, but then closed it again. He was beginning to realise how ridiculous, how silly this all sounded. He was behaving like such a teenager, utterly overcome by emotion and upset, not to mention some sort of odd, irrational sense of hurt that he couldn’t even explain. He had no idea where this notion of letdown was coming from. He knew Matt hadn’t meant to disregard him, and he knew that Nick and Jamie weren’t trying to hurt him by interfering with his routines. So how come he continued to feel so alone in all of this – so misunderstood? 

“You know what, forget what I said,” Alex spoke then, feeling somehow defeated and much too embarrassed with himself to carry on. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I think I need to get out of here for a bit.” 

“What? Where’re you going?” Nick frowned, looking increasingly concerned.

“I’m going for a run,” Alex decided on his feet, realising that he needed to move, to breathe, but most importantly, to be alone, “I think I need to clear my head.” 

“You should at least eat something first,” Jamie reminded him dutifully. “Come on, love, have a seat and let’s talk about this. We’ll cook you something nice.” 

“Sorry, I’m really not hungry,” Alex responded with a shake of his head. “Let’s talk later, alright? I have to get out of here.” 

“Can I get a kiss goodbye?” Nick smirked at the brunette, forever trying to lighten the mood, but as he’d said it, Alex had already turned away from them both and sprinted towards the door.

Once he’d left, Jamie looked up at Nick questioningly. 

“You don’t think he’s changed his mind, do you?”

“About getting pregnant? Nah…” Nick shrugged casually. “He just needs a good fuck from the sounds of it. Without getting interrupted by our so-called baby-fever.” 

“Speaking of a good fuck,” Jamie grinned cheekily, gesturing towards the upstairs floor, “sounds like Matt could use a hand finishing what he started. What do you say we help him out?” 

“I say that sounds like a plan,” Nick laughed as he walked over to kiss his blond lover deeply. “God, Cookie, I forget how cunning you are.”

 

XxX

 

Alex didn’t return to the house until nearly two hours later. He was feeling cold and somehow even more miserable than before. It had started raining halfway through his run and by the time he finally reached the main road after running through the fields by the big river, he had slipped in some mud and had landed on his knee painfully, bruising the skin all bloody. 

Now that he was slowly walking through the front garden and nearing the front door, he found himself limping pathetically. He had an awful feeling that the lads would start laughing when they saw him. Or even worse, it was possible that Matt wasn’t even going to speak to him. Alex supposed he had every right to be mad at him after the way he’d behaved. Though it pained him to admit it, he was now able to see just how badly he’d overreacted.

Reluctantly, he pushed down the handle and entered through the door. At first, the downstairs seemed completely quiet and so, he considered the possibility of simply tiptoeing his way upstairs so that he could go into hiding, utterly unnoticed. He felt embarrassed and much too fatigued to explain himself, to justify the wicked nature of his temper these days. 

He kicked off his shoes and headed for the stairs when suddenly, Jamie’s voice sounded from the living room:

“Al? Is that you?” 

He stilled himself and caught himself holding his breath. He realised then that he had no good reason to ignore his boyfriend, or to be even more difficult than before. It was time to stop acting like a drama queen and put on a brave face. 

“Yeah, it’s me,” he replied hesitantly, without leaving his spot by the stairs. “Listen, I’m pretty soaked. I think I’ll just head upstairs and shower…”

“Wait,” Jamie’s voice objected then, “come in here first. I made you breakfast.” 

He knew he had no choice. Worried that he’d seem ungrateful by turning down Jamie’s gesture, he forced himself to enter the living room and as soon as he did, he noticed the sweet, enticing smell of homemade pancakes, Jamie’s culinary specialty. It was only then that, finally, he felt the hunger growling its way through his stomach. 

“There you are,” Jamie hummed, busying himself as he set the table and began to serve the pancakes onto a plate that was meant for Alex, “you’ve been out for a while, you must be starving.” 

Alex didn’t say anything. He just stood there, watching sheepishly while Jamie poured him a glass of orange juice and continued to mother him. In the far corner of the room, Matt and Nick were coupled up under a blanket in front of the TV, keeping to themselves silently. Alex looked down at his feet and realised that he was dripping all over the carpet and yet, his hunger urged him to approach the table.

Jamie took one look at him and frowned. 

“What happened to your knee, baby?”

Alex had almost forgotten about the blood. Before he had a chance to explain his fall, Matt stood up from the sofa and inspected him with alarm. 

“Alex, you’re limping,” he stated, like he was telling him something he didn’t know already. “Are you injured?” 

“Oh – no, I’m fine. Really, it’s just a few scratches,” Alex insisted bashfully, but Matt was already on his way over. 

“Does it hurt when you put weight on it?” 

“Yeah, kinda – but seriously, I’m fine,” Alex uttered again, feeling strangely shy. “Matt, about earlier…”

Matt wasn’t listening. 

“Put your arm around my shoulder,” he instructed the brunette instead, “let’s walk you to the sofa.”

Alex tried to do as he’d suggested, but once he was supported by the bigger man and they started walking together, he couldn’t keep himself from wincing. It stung even worse than before and he was certain that his kneecap had started to swell up a little bit. 

“That’s it,” Matt announced once he witnessed Alex’s pained expression, “bridal style it is!”

Before Alex could argue with him, Matt picked him up from the ground and supported him around his back and underneath both his legs. Nick removed himself from the sofa in order to make room and when Matt carried Alex across the floor, Jamie followed closely behind him, having forgotten all about the pancakes. Matt lowered Alex onto the sofa gently and when Alex looked up at them all, he couldn’t help but to feel slightly overwhelmed by the care and attention the three men were showing him. 

“Listen, guys, about earlier,” he blathered guiltily, “I’m really sorry I snapped like that…”

Once again, they didn’t seem interested in his apologies.

“God, you’re shivering cold,” Nick remarked, talking over him as he ran his hand through Alex’s wet hair. “I’ll go get you a towel and some warm clothes. I mean, bloody hell, your lips are turning blue.” 

“I-I’m fine, honestly,” Alex attempted, failing to keep his voice from trembling. 

Nick ignored his objections and exited the room hastily. 

“I’ll make you a cup of tea,” Jamie then offered, after giving Alex’s pale cheeks a quick feel. “Matt, the first aid kit is in the cupboard.”

“Got it,” Matt rejoined as he jumped to his feet and went to retrieve it. “Stay put, Alex, I’ll get you cleaned up nicely.” 

“No, that’s really not necessary – Matt, seriously.”

“Seriously what?” Matt challenged him as he returned to the sofa with the red box in between his hands. “You’ve got several open wounds. You wouldn’t want to get an infection, would you?” When Alex appeared to clam up, Matt merely smiled and sat down beside him. “Here,” he uttered, “rest your leg over my thigh. I need to get a proper look at your knee.” As he helped the brunette to raise his leg, he paused to ensure that the position wasn’t uncomfortable for him. “Is this okay?”

“Yeah,” Alex breathed through clenched teeth, “honestly, it’s no biggie-“

“You’re grimacing,” Matt informed him with a small grin, “fucking hell, Al, you should know that I can see right through you. I know you’re in pain.”

“Sorry,” Alex exhaled, trying his best to relax his limbs as he waited for the throbbing ache in his knee to subside.

“You’ve said that already,” Matt laughed at him. “You have nothing to be sorry for.”

Alex looked up at him in surprise.

“Wait? You’re not mad at me?” 

“Why should I be mad at you?” Matt replied easily, cupping Alex’s jaw gently. “Now, brace yourself. This might sting a little.”

“But – I was being such a brat to you, I – ow, fuck!” Alex winced when the anti-septic was applied directly onto his wound, after which Matt began to cleanse the entire kneecap thoroughly. “I shouldn’t have yelled at you, I shouldn’t have – ow, shit, what is this? Acid?” 

Matt chuckled once again as he held on to Alex’s leg stubbornly, keeping him from squirming. 

“You shouldn’t have what?” He sniggered in sympathy. “Expressed your feelings to me? Withheld sex? You had every right to do that.”

“No, Matt, I totally overreacted,” Alex persisted sincerely. “I shouldn’t have been so dramatic-“

“Oh love, you’ve always been dramatic,” Jamie butted in as he joined them on the sofa and placed a teacup on the table in front of the brunette. “Here, drink up, this should help you keep warm.”

“What about the caffeine?” Alex asked him, feeling slightly perplexed by Jamie’s change of heart. “I thought you said-“

“I know. But this is clearly an exception to the rule,” decided the blonde as he lifted the cup and brought it to Alex’s lips. “Go on, drink it. We don’t want you to fall ill right before your surgery.” 

Alex had a sip, but was soon interrupted by Matt’s busy hands. 

“Whoops,” Matt smirked when Alex hissed with pain, “did I rub it too hard? Sorry, darling, I forget that you’re fragile.” 

“I’m not fragile,” Alex bit back at him, “it’s the anti-septic. It’s like it’s burning through my skin.” 

“Alright, alright, I’m almost done, baby,” Matt promised with amusement. “You know it’s for your own good. Do you want me to kiss it better?”

“For crying out loud, Matt, you’re treating him like he’s a four-year-old,” Jamie chimed, mocking the ex-boxer’s soft, soothing tone. 

“I’m treating him like a four-year-old?” Matt snorted. “You’re the one who spent the past hour making him pancakes.”

“Oh, I almost forgot,” Jamie said as he rushed to fetch Alex’s plate. “Here you go, Al. Have as many as you like. Remember, Dr Robinson said it’s important that you eat.” 

Jamie encouraged him eagerly, but Alex barely had a moment to sip his tea and try the pancakes before Nick re-appeared. 

“Time to get you out of your wet clothes,” Nick announced as he emerged from behind the sofa and helped Alex pulling off his wet t-shirt. “Here,” he then continued, wrapping the brunette’s shivering body up in a soft, warm towel, “this ought to make you feel better.”

Alex wanted to thank him, but for some reason, his voice seemed to have failed him. 

“Wait a sec, Nick, you pervert,” Matt joked as the blue-eyed bassist came up from behind them once again. “You can’t remove his shorts until I’ve finished bandaging his knee.” 

“Matt, he’s dripping wet,” Nick objected.

“And I’m almost done,” Matt retorted.

He searched through the first aid kit for a pair of scissors, after which he measured the gauze to fit around Alex’s knee. Before Alex knew it, Matt had his wounds bound up nicely and the gauze was already helping to dull the pain. 

“There you go,” Matt stated with satisfaction. “Good as new.”

When Alex failed to respond, Nick simply pushed Matt aside and prompted Alex to discard his shorts for him. He was holding onto a dry pair of trousers which he evidently couldn’t wait for him to wear. 

Alex remained strangely motionless, even as Nick squatted down before him and took a hold of his hand.

“Al? You alright, love?”

Suddenly, Alex had a lump in his throat. They were all looking at him with worry, but this time, Alex could only smile as a genuine warmth coursed through his body and put him at ease. 

“Yeah, I’m good,” he breathed, though he was obviously emotional, though he was obviously shedding tears down both his cheeks as he looked down at his hands and averted his gaze. “It’s just that – I think you guys are going to be amazing dads, is all.” 

 

XxX

 

One week later. 

Alex was placed in an oversized hospital bed and was now being pushed down the hallway by two nurses walking side by side with Dr Robinson. Further behind, they were followed eagerly by Matt, Nick and Jamie who had all been told that they couldn’t follow Alex through the doors into the operating room, and who were all feeling somewhat apprehensive at the idea of leaving his side.

“We’ll be here when you wake up,” Jamie promised through heaving sobs once the bed had come to standstill and the nurses allowed for the lads to have a brief moment while they waited for the surgeon’s permission to enter. The blond man bent over the bed and held Alex close to him one last time, though he had spent the past hour doing exactly this over and over again. “You are going to be just fine. I know you are.”

“Thanks, Jamie,” Alex whispered calmly as he smiled in return and wiped Jamie’s warm tears off his neck. “You don’t have to cry.” 

“I’m not,” sniffled the blonde and wiped at his eyes with embarrassment. “I mean, why would I be? Everything’s going to be great. You’re going to be great.”

Alex watched as Jamie started to tear up all over again. Deciding that now was not the time for emotional pressure, Alex caught Nick’s gaze and pleaded silently for him to step in and make it stop.

“Alright, love,” Nick spoke as he got the hint and urged Jamie to remove himself from the bed. “I think you’ve reassured Alex enough for now. You are going to see him again very soon, remember.”

Nick then pushed past Jamie and bowed down to press a gentle kiss to Alex’s lips. 

“I’ll have a vomit bag ready when you wake up in case you feel nauseous,” he joked, earning himself an unimpressed glare from the brunette. “What? You never know how the anesthesia is going to affect you.” 

“Yeah, thanks for the warning, I feel so much better now,” Alex replied with just the right amount of sarcasm, though he couldn’t blame Nick for trying to put a smile on everyone’s faces. “Just… make sure you’re here. I mean, I don’t want to wake up alone.”

Alex had no idea why he felt the need to be reassured of what they’d all already sworn on, but he did. Nick squeezed his hand tightly and let his thumb brush over his knuckles. 

“Of course we’ll be here,” he told him seriously, earning them both a frantic nod from Jamie in agreement. “Every single one of us.”

“We promise,” Matt added as he, too, stepped up to embrace his doe-eyed lover. He rested his head against Alex’s chest for a short moment, wanting nothing more but to take in his smell and yet, all he sensed was that clean, sterile smell that reminded him of hospitals and of medicine. It was in the bedsheets and in the thin, blueish gown that was strapped loosely onto Alex’s small body. As he pulled back and looked into Alex’s eyes with an encouraging smile, he whispered: “Thank you for doing this. I love you so much.”

Alex smiled genuinely at his words, though he was beginning to look tired and pale. Matt couldn’t possibly blame him for simply wanting to get this over with. 

“Love you, too,” Alex told him back, though he shifted his gaze between all three of them.

Just as he’d said it, Dr Robinson returned to his bedside and informed them that their time was up. 

“They’re ready for you, Mr Turner,” she smiled at Alex whilst motioning for the nurses to gather around the bed. “We are going to roll you into the OR now. Good luck. And for you, Mr Helders, Mr O’Malley, Mr Cook, you can expect to see him again in about three hours’ time. Feel free to stay around in the waiting area and help yourselves to a free coffee or tea.” 

The nurses began to push the bed and as soon as Alex was on the move again, he heard Matt, Jamie and Nick shouting their last words of encouragement and support. There was no doubt in his mind that they would have followed him to the operating table if they could and yet, this was something he had to do on his own.

Once the doors opened, he thought he heard Jamie crying again, along with Nick’s shushing him. 

A male nurse who was pushing the bed from its foot end smiled down at him. Perhaps he was worried that Alex felt nervous, or even worse, alone in this cold, clinical room. However, the only thing on Alex’s mind as the bed was pushed through the swing doors was the fact that next time he would find himself in a hospital bed, on the way to the surgeon, he would not only be pregnant, but in labour.


	6. The Awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex's surgery is complete and Jamie, Matt and Nick are anxiously waiting for him to wake up, and to find out how he feels.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to everyone for the wonderful support I've received <3   
> Your kind words were such a great source of inspiration for me ;)

”Shouldn’t he be awake by now?” Jamie whined for the thousandth time, the tremble in his voice causing Matt to inch closer and wrap his arm around him soothingly. “No really – it’s been long enough already. What if something’s wrong?”

“Love, it’s only been forty-five minutes since they rolled him in, you need to give it a little time,” Matt reminded the blonde as patiently as he could. “Dr Robinson said it was most likely going to be an hour or longer, remember.” 

“An hour or longer,” Jamie huffed whilst blinking his tears away. “How kind of her to be so specific.” 

“Look, this is no big deal,” Nick hushed him as he feared that at any moment, a nurse would meddle in and remind them all to keep the noise down, failing that, wait for Alex to gain consciousness outside his room. “We’re just waiting for the anesthesia to wear off, alright? Then he’ll wake up, kind of like he’s only been napping.” 

“You’re talking to me like I’m a child, do you know that?” Jamie grumbled and gave Nick a rather blameful look. “Besides, this is nothing like napping. What if he’s in pain when he wakes up? What if – what if he can’t wake up…”

Jamie released a choked sound and pressed his face against Matt’s shoulder, adamant that he was entitled to feeling terrified. Matt shushed him gently and began to rub his back in circles while Nick only kept his eyes on the bed in front of them. 

“Dr Robinson said it went well,” uttered the bassist calmly. “Jamie, you’ve got to pull yourself together. Don’t you think Alex was a lot more scared than you are right now?” 

“Well – yeah, but…”

“It’s our job to not freak out. We’re his rock now. He might wake up and not feel so good, so the three of us need to be all smiles.” 

“All smiles,” Jamie repeated with a sniffle as he wiped his face with Matt’s shirt. “Yeah… I guess you’re right.” 

However, when another hour went by and Alex still hadn’t stirred, even Nick was beginning to feel disheartened. 

“I’m going to call a nurse,” Jamie announced anxiously as he had finally had enough. He was starting to look sick and pale with worry; Nick wondered if the vomit bag he’d brought should be used on him instead of Alex. “I can’t sit idly by, not anymore. He’s obviously not waking up on his own. I knew it – I knew something was wrong.”

“Jamie, calm down,” Matt tried, but to no avail. Jamie was already heading for the hallway. “I’m sure that this is normal. Don’t bother the nurses…”

Nick, too, had thought it best to talk their blonde lover out of his paranoia, and yet, part of him longed for a professional opinion, even if they were behaving utterly irrational, even if the nurses had better things to do than to pacify three grown-up men who should all know better than to wind each other up when their only job was to keep quiet and wait. Just wait.

But they’d already waited for hours. It had been bad enough waiting to hear back from the surgeon while Alex was still on the table, however, now that he was back in here with them, looking helplessly small and lifeless in his bed, Nick knew that his nerves were wearing thin. 

They did this to him. They were the ones who persuaded him to undergo a procedure that was both risky and complex and now that Alex remained unresponsive, Nick needed to know more than anything that he was going to be okay. If in any way Alex had been harmed or put in danger, because if that was the case, they would be solely responsible for neglecting him.

“Maybe Jamie’s right,” Nick uttered with sudden anguish, losing his confidence fast. “Maybe this isn’t right.”

“Christ, baby, not you, too,” Matt sighed tiredly as he put away the magazine that he’d been pretending to read. “What happened to ‘calm down and stop looking for drama?’ If I remember correctly, you wanted us to be all smiles.” 

“Yeah, well, I can’t sit idly by, either. I’m going to check up on him,” Nick decided resolutely.

“Dr Robinson said we can’t touch him,” Matt warned him sternly. “Nick, don’t-“

“I’m just going to look him over,” Nick uttered defensively and moved over to hover by Alex’s bedside. “Surely there’s no harm in that.”

Matt shook his head and rolled his eyes at him, but Nick ignored it.

“Hey, sweetness,” Nick whispered softly as he looked into Alex’s sleeping face. “You did great. Surgery’s over, it’s time to wake up now. Can you hear me?” 

“Don’t,” Matt told him once again as he caught Nick motioning to touch Alex’s hair. 

“But I just want him to know that I’m here.”

“They were kind enough to let all three of us wait in his room, but if we start to crowd him before he’s even woken up yet, we’re going to be out of here faster than a toupee can get lost in a hurricane.” 

“I’m not crowding him,” Nick sulked, though he pulled his hand back like a naughty child after being scolded. “Your metaphors are terrible, by the way.” 

“Just put your arse back in the seat,” Matt deadpanned. 

Then, caught by Alex’s bedside, Nick felt like a deer in the headlights when a nurse walked in on him, accompanied by Jamie who hadn’t stopped fussing for a minute. She took one look at him and cleared her throat suggestively and it was all the signal Nick needed in order to stand back and give her some space.

“Good evening,” the nurse – a young woman with dark hair and purple glasses – told them as she picked up Alex’s charts and read through the papers carefully. “I’ve been told that you’re waiting for your partner to wake up. His surgery was, what, two hours ago?”

“Almost two hours,” Matt smiled graciously, feeling dreadful at the idea of Jamie pestering her. “I’m sure there’s nothing to worry about. I’m really sorry, you probably have better things to do…” 

His words had the nurse smiling.

“Well, since I’m here. I can tell you that everything looks fine on paper,” she assured them kindly, though she kept her back on Jamie who had probably already chewed her ear off and driven her out of her mind. “Most patients tend to wake up from surgery after an hour, but it’s not uncommon for some patients to take longer than that. I wouldn’t worry about it too much.”

“But – but how long are we supposed to wait?” Jamie whimpered. “How can you tell that he’s fine?”

“Look, Mr Cook, the monitor shows that all his vitals are good. He’s stabile, so there’s no reason to anticipate any complications. However, if he doesn’t come around soon, I would suggest that you talk to him using lowered voices, sometimes that helps patients gain consciousness faster. Although I must remind you not to touch a sleeping patient,” she added importantly, after which she gazed at Nick deliberately. “Most patients experience a great amount of discomfort when they wake up from anesthesia, so I insist that you give your partner some space.” 

Matt thanked her, and as she left the room, he couldn’t help but to smirk at the face Nick was giving him. 

“You know what, Matt, you don’t have to be so smug about this,” Nick murmured. “Jamie and I did nothing wrong by looking out for him. If we’re being dramatic it’s only because we care.”

“You and Jamie both lost your cool, just admit it,” Matt mocked him. “You said it yourself; it’s our job to not freak out right now. And I’ve been doing that job on behalf of all three of us so far, so it’s time for you two to pull your weight.”

 

XxX 

 

When Alex finally did come around to the sound of their voices, it soon became apparent to everyone in the room that his awakening wasn’t going to be the easy, romantic moment that they had hoped for; Jamie who had been more than ready to welcome him back with hugs and kisses realised quickly that he had to pull back and go easy on the brunette who opened his eyes for the first time with a moan and a grimace. 

“Alex,” Jamie whispered softly, breaking into a face-splitting smile that had him shedding tears anew. “You’re awake! You’re okay…”

“Of course he’s okay,” Matt remarked reassuringly, though frankly, he, too, felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off his shoulders. “Hey, Alex. The surgery was a success. Everything went well, I’m so proud of you.”

However, Alex wasn’t yet ready for their praises. Though the lads appeared to have had their moment of relief, the brunette was still finding himself, still recovering, still trying to remember when and where and why. His first thought was that his body had been hit by a truck. Then came the inevitable confusion from having woken up in a haze. 

“Where…” He uttered with difficulty, his voice breaking with exhaustion. “Where did it…”

He didn’t know how to complete his sentence. He blinked as the lights felt like they were burning through his eyes, into his skull. He drew a shaky breath, feeling heavier than he ever thought possible. Dizzy. His head spinning.

“Where did what, baby?” Nick asked him tenderly. Though he knew he had to give the smaller man some space, he longed to touch him. “What are you trying to say?” 

Alex made another attempt at speaking, but felt his throat closing up.

“It’s okay, darling, take it easy,” Jamie fretted nervously, “don’t strain yourself. Matt, pour him a glass of water.”

“Remember how we talked about keeping our voices down,” Matt reminded the blonde, though he took Jamie’s suggestion and began to fill a plastic cup with water. “Here. Help him drink it, but slowly.”

Alex didn’t want any water. 

“Wh-where did it… go?” He tried again, the dryness of his throat causing him to cough. The coughing ripped through his body like a blade cutting through an organ and he hissed and twisted at the soreness. 

“Hey, take it easy,” Nick begged him, adapting Jamie’s concerned tone. Against his better judgment, he rested his hand on the brunette’s shoulder, partly because he had been squirming and needed to be steadied, partly because he wasn’t convinced that Alex was fully aware of his surroundings yet. “Relax, baby, everything is fine. Take a deep breath.” 

“Where…” Alex retorted stubbornly as Nick ignored his question. “I can’t hear it anymore…”

“What?” Matt asked him gently and signaled for Nick to take his hand off him; Alex appeared increasingly restless. “What can’t you hear?”

“The – the crying,” Alex rasped with brutal fatigue. He looked like he could barely keep his eyes open and yet, he looked distressed and far too alert to settle himself down. “It stopped. Where… where did it go?” 

“There was no crying, Al,” Matt told him comfortingly. Cautiously, he took a hold of the brunette’s almost limp hand and squeezed it lightly, testing if Alex was in fact lucid. “Everything is fine, you’re fine. You’re doing so great. How do you feel?” 

“No,” Alex croaked, shaking his head weakly. “No, I swear. It was here, it was – it was real. The baby was crying…”

“Alex, there’s no baby,” Nick shushed him worriedly. “That was just Jamie you heard.”

Jamie scowled at him with offense. 

“Obviously Alex is not confusing me with a baby’s crying,” the blonde snorted. “Alex, when did you hear a baby? It was probably just the TV.” 

“No,” Alex persisted, looking mildly horrified. “No, it was here. The baby – it was trying to get out, but it couldn’t… It was stuck.”

“What?” Matt frowned. “Stuck where?”

“Inside me,” Alex uttered with a small sob. “I felt it. It was trying to get out, but it was stuck. It k-kept crying for me, but I – I couldn’t do anything… I couldn’t help it out…” 

“Love, there is no baby inside of you,” Nick told him seriously, after which he exchanged a questioning look with Jamie. “You’ve just woken up from your surgery. You can’t even get pregnant yet.” 

“You must have dreamed it,” Matt offered kindly and caressed the back of Alex’s hand with his fingers. “You were out for a while. It was all just a nightmare you had.” 

“No. No, it wasn’t a nightmare,” Alex wheezed uncomfortably and winced audibly, looking like he was in pain. “I felt it. It – it hurt. It still hurts. I can still feel it…”

“Alex, the sting you’re feeling isn’t a baby. It’s your wound,” Matt explained to him diplomatically. “You have a wound now, remember? Do you want me to show you?” 

Alex looked like he didn’t understand at all. 

“But – I heard it,” he sniveled, and though it was breaking Matt’s heart, he also knew that Alex wasn’t fully grounded in reality yet.

“Guys, I think he’s hallucinating,” Jamie whispered to him and Nick, averting his eyes as he went on discretely: “Should I page Dr Robinson?” 

“Alex, I’m going to show you that you have a wound from the surgery, alright, baby?” Matt continued, ignoring Jamie’s request. “Please trust me on this one, okay? I need you to understand that there is no baby.” Carefully, Matt brushed his fingers over Alex’s abdomen and instinctively, Alex flinched. “It’s alright, it’s alright,” Matt soothed him again, “I’m going to be very gentle. I promise I won’t make it hurt. You trust me, don’t you?” When Alex managed to still himself and hold his breath, Matt took the opportunity to lift up his hospital gown slowly, while making sure that Alex’s lower half was still covered underneath the white sheets. Gradually, Matt peeled off the gown inch by inch, exposing Alex’s creamy white skin until, finally, the freshly stitched-up wound surfaced for everyone to see. 

“There you go,” Matt demonstrated protectively. “See? Your stomach is completely flat. There is no baby in there. There’s only a wound.”

“A wound…” Alex repeated, mesmerized. Then, taking in his swollen skin and the blood-red stitches stretching all the way across his belly, he paled instantly and looked like he was going to be sick. “I – I can get pregnant now?”

“Well,” Jamie butted in, “we’re still required to do some follow-up tests, and you need to have your stitches removed before we even try anything, eh, physical out. And then there are the fertility drugs that you should probably keep taking in order to boost your hormone levels and such, but – yes, baby, you can get pregnant. The surgeon said you responded very well to the-“

Alex interrupted him by leaning over the railing of the bed and retching directly onto the floor. Watching the spews staining his shoes, Nick contorted his face with a sigh.

“So much for bringing a sick bag,” he uttered with disappointment.

 

XxX

 

A clinic janitor was still cleaning up the floor by Alex’s bed when Dr Robinson walked in the room in order to perform a routine check-up. 

“Oh,” she spoke with surprise, taken aback by the number of people gathered around the hospital bed. She then spotted the janitor mopping the floor and quickly figured out what had happened. “I guess there’s been a little accident in here,” she commented politely. “That’s completely normal, don’t worry about it. Mr Turner, so good to see that you’re awake. How are you holding up?” 

Alex had grown drastically tired and had struggled to keep himself awake through the janitor’s visit, but with Matt, Jamie and Nick stood by his side fussing over him and asking him if he was okay every other minute, sleep had seemed like an improbable option. For every minute that had passed since his waking up, he had only started to feel increasingly sore, drowsy and gradually more irritable as a result. 

“Apart from the vomiting,” he uttered sheepishly, feeling embarrassed at the lingering evidence of his queasiness, “I guess I’m okay.”

“I’m sorry to hear about your nausea, although that happens more often than not,” the doctor reassured him smilingly. “I’m assuming you’ve heard the good news already? The surgery went perfectly, and despite the discomfort you’re feeling right now, you seem to be recovering steadily. Your vitals are good,” she noted as she checked his monitors, “and let’s have a look at your stitches.” She paused to remove his gown carefully like Matt had done earlier, after which she examined his wound thoroughly. “Neat and clean,” she added with satisfaction. “Have you been experiencing any pains?” 

“Well,” Alex yawned, only to be cut off by Jamie.

“Yes, he has,” the blonde informed her anxiously. “He described a sort of burning pain to us just before you came in. Didn’t you, love?”

Alex looked over at Jamie dully. He almost didn’t care about his aches anymore; he only wanted to close his eyes and rest. He just didn’t have the heart to ask the lads to leave, considering how long they’d waited around for him already.

“If the wound continues to hurt, I can get a nurse to set you up with a bigger dose of morphine,” Dr Robinson offered. “At least to get you through the night. Is your nausea any better?”

“Hm? Oh yeah, it’s fine,” Alex replied groggily, trying his hardest to pay attention. “I’m just really tired. I’m sorry, but can I take a nap soon?” 

“Let’s just go through your check-up first,” Matt suggested with a smile as he ran his fingers through Alex’s hair, full of promise. “How does that sound?”

“Actually, I think we should let Mr Turner sleep for now if he needs it,” Dr Robinson decided as she studied Alex’s pale expression. “Everything looks good for now, however, I will still get a nurse to check up on you later and disinfect your wound. Mr Helders, Mr O’Malley, Mr Cook, I’m afraid that our visitation hours are restricted after 9pm. I can give you another ten minutes, but seeing as Mr Turner needs to rest, I have to insist that you leave the room as soon as he’s asleep.” 

“What?” Nick said with a small gasp. “No, wait – we can’t just leave. I mean, what if he needs us?” 

“It’s okay, you guys, you’ve been here all day,” Alex whispered, at the brink of sleep already. “Go home, get some rest. I’ll be fine.” 

“No, that doesn’t seem right,” Jamie hassled. “How can we possibly leave you here on your own? What if you fall ill again?” 

“I’ll only be sleeping,” Alex smiled, “honestly, I’m good. You don’t have to worry about me.” 

“Our nurses are here all night to keep an eye on him,” Dr Robinson informed them sympathetically. “You can come back first thing in the morning if you want. Until then, I can assure you that he’s in good hands.” 

Shortly after that, she left them to it and once the janitor had finished up and kindly bid them goodnight, Matt, Jamie and Nick realised that they, too, were expected to be on their way. The fact that Dr Robinson had already given them a time limit made it all the more difficult for them to round things up and say their goodbyes. Jamie was biting his lip hard, pretending that he wasn’t on the verge of tears as he fluffed Alex’s pillow and helped the brunette to a drink of water. 

“You know, if you should need anything through the night, and I mean anything at all, don’t hesitate to pull the string and call for a nurse,” he urged Alex pleadingly. “They might act like they are too busy, but the truth is that you should be top priority to them. I mean, you were cut open not that many hours ago, for crying out loud…”

“Yeah, thanks for reminding me,” Alex exhaled jadedly. “Look, Jamie, love, I know this already. I can speak up for myself if I need to. Promise.” 

Jamie nodded acceptingly, though he clearly wasn’t happy with the situation.

“Are you cold?” Nick then asked as he fetched an extra blanket and folded it out on top of the white bedsheets, covering Alex’s entire body. “I’m sure we could ask them to change the room temperature if-“

“No – no, this is good,” Alex stopped him. “Really. I’m alright. I don’t need anything else. You guys should probably just go before they get pissy with you.”

“Are you trying to get rid of us, gorgeous?” Matt joked, causing Alex to smirk at him. “Alright, we can take a hint. Sweet dreams, baby.” Matt bowed down to kiss his forehead. “See you very soon.” 

“We’ll be back in here in the morning. 8 o’clock sharp,” Nick promised, kissing Alex’s nose playfully. “Sleep tight. And don’t charm all the pretty nurses, we can’t have them start fighting over you.” 

Alex smiled, too drained to think of a comeback. Instead, he spent his remaining energy on Jamie who held him close and a little too tight for his liking, but it appeared to be the only way for him to assure his older lover that, truthfully, he was going to survive the night on his own. 

One by one, they left his side and headed for the door. 

Halfway across the threshold, Matt paused to look back over his shoulder one final time.

“Hey, Al,” he whispered grinningly. “How crazy is it that you will be able to carry a child soon? I still almost can’t believe it. I mean – I’ve never been this excited in all my life. Have you?” 

He awaited the brunette’s response eagerly, unaware that the second Alex’s head had hit the pillow, he’d already fallen asleep instantly.

 

XxX

 

Alex seemed more himself the following day, after having slept through the night, undisturbed. The lads had of course woken him up at their arrival, though in the end, Alex had to admit that he appreciated the company. They only left his side around noon as they decided to go for lunch in the cafeteria down by the lobby. When asked, Alex had sworn that he didn’t wish for them to bring him anything back, that he hadn’t regained his appetite just yet, however, when they returned to his room barely half an hour later, they found him sat upright in his bed, eating a pudding that must have been brought to him by one of the nurses.

“Julie told me I should really try to eat something,” Alex explained smilingly when Matt commented on his change of attitude. “She brought me a toffee pudding because it’s her personal favourite. Isn’t she nice?”

“Who’s Julie?” Jamie questioned almost suspiciously, causing Alex to grin.

“One of the blond nurses,” he told him. “Blue eyes. Tall. Kind of looks like you. Have you not met her yet?” 

“How have you managed to make friends already?” Nick laughed, slapping Alex’s shoulder humorously. “We left you alone for, like, two minutes. I told you, the nurses are going to throw themselves at you, one by one.”

“That’s obviously not true,” Alex snorted amusedly. “I mean, there’s nothing attractive about a patient, is there? Especially not when you have a huge, swollen wound covering your belly.” 

“Seems to me like she’s giving you special treatment, though,” Jamie remarked jealously. “Perhaps she really is flirting with you.” 

“Here we go,” Alex said with a roll of his eyes. “Look, will you lay off her if I share my pudding with you? I assure you, there’s nothing to worry about. They just take good care of me here, is all.” 

Jamie dipped Alex’s spoon in the plastic bowl and tasted it reluctantly.

“It’s nice,” he admitted, suddenly less sulky. “You should finish it, though. You haven’t eaten in a while.” 

Alex stole the spoon back from out of Jamie’s hand and complied willingly.

“So – you seem better this morning,” Matt commented as he watched Alex with relief, grateful that he seemed not only stronger, but happier. “I guess this means you’re no longer in pain?” 

“Nah, the morphine makes it all easier,” Alex responded cheerfully. “In fact, it makes me feel kind of great. Sorry about last night, by the way. I can’t believe I puked on you, Nick.”

“No, that’s alright,” Nick chuckled, “you only really got my shoes. You have nothing to be sorry for.” 

“You couldn’t help feeling rough,” Jamie agreed and pressed a kiss to Alex’s cheek. “You only had me worried when you started talking nonsense.” 

“I barely remember what went through my head,” Alex laughed. “Shit, I must have really freaked you guys out. I mean, what was I thinking? A baby getting stuck inside me, crying to be let out? It sounds like it could have been taken out from one of those Alien movies, huh?” 

“Almost,” Matt smiled, watching the brunette beaming back at him. “Really, Al, I’m just so glad you’re okay. Not just physically, although of course, I’m grateful that’s the case, but I mean… emotionally, too.” 

“Emotionally?” Alex uttered with the raise of an eyebrow as he scraped his spoon along the bottom of the bowl, trying to scoop up any leftovers of his pudding. “What do you mean?” 

“Oh, nothing – I mean, it’s just that… I guess you hear these stories about people regretting having their surgeries done, wishing they could have reversed it when it’s too late. I just read one of those pamphlets about, you know, how some patients react differently after realising that their bodies have changed.” Matt paused, sensing Nick and Jamie glancing at him warningly. “But I mean, that doesn’t happen very often, of course. I think. Anyway, that’s obviously not the case for you. You seem – happy. Like actually happy.” 

Alex was too busy eating. Matt knew instantly that he didn’t have his full attention.

“I mean, you are happy, Alex. Right? I mean – no regrets, right?” He prompted him slightly nervously, feeling like he was somehow out of order for asking, even though it seemed significant – no, critical – to welcome the brunette’s feelings honestly. 

Alex took a long sip from his glass of water before answering him.

“Oh yeah,” he responded flippantly, sounding almost intoxicated, “no, of course. No regrets.”

 

XxX 

 

He was eventually discharged from the clinic when he’d recovered from his aches and no longer complained about feeling any irritation, though this did not happen any sooner than he’d passed every single one of Dr Robinson’s follow-up tests and checks, and certainly not until he’d gained nearly two pounds on the doctor’s orders seeing as the surgery had caused him to lose too much weight. Though he felt strong enough and far from sickly, he was picked up and wheelchaired out of the clinic by Nick and Jamie while Matt brought the car around to the front of the entrance, making sure Alex didn’t have to walk any further than necessary. Though he was perfectly capable of standing on his own, Nick wrapped an arm around him protectively and held on to him, preventing him from falling over or even straining himself. In the meantime, Jamie carried his stuff and opened the car door for him attentively. Before Alex moved inside the car, he turned around and hugged the blonde nurse, Julie, goodbye, as she stood by ready to assist him and, eventually, to roll the wheelchair back inside the building. 

“Take good care of yourself, darling,” Nick overheard her saying, feeling fully convinced that she must have grown a soft spot for her patient. “If all goes well, I’m sure I’ll see you back in here soon enough. Good luck with everything.”

“Thanks,” Alex smiled, “I’ll try to be back as soon as I can, even though I know it’s not really up to me, is it?”

“These things can take time,” she told him kindly. “Don’t feel discouraged if nothing happens straight away. Even us women struggle sometimes. My sister and her husband tried for nearly two years before she became pregnant.” 

“Oh yeah, I remember you telling me. How old is Damien again?”

“He turns three next month,” Julie radiated cheerfully. “I’ve bought him the cutest little drum kit as a present. My sister’s gonna kill me, but I don’t care, he’ll be so happy.” 

“Hey, that’s an amazing present,” Matt joined in from behind the wheel, rolling down the car window to give her a big thumbs up. “You know what? That’s gonna be the first thing I buy for our kid, regardless of gender. All kids should be introduced to rock n’ roll from an early age, is what I say. That and gangsta rap.” 

“Cut it out, Helders, I’ve told you already, our kid is going to grow up with Mozart,” Nick joked. “We’re keeping it classy.” 

Julie broke out laughing and turned to Alex, whispering:

“Did you hear that? ‘Our kid?’ Your boyfriends are so committed to being parents already.” 

“Yeah,” Alex whispered back, pulling a troubled expression. “If I should fail to get pregnant, it’s going to crush them.”

“Hey,” she uttered gently, noting his faltering smile. “No, that’s not what I meant. I meant it as a good thing. They seem really supportive of you. I can tell that they are going to be there for you, no matter what happens.”

“Even if I’m childless?” Alex muttered woefully, causing the nurse to hug him tightly once again.

“You won’t be childless,” she promised him in a lowered voice. “You’re young and fertile, my friend. The odds are in your favour.” 

 

XxX 

 

He spent several days wrapped up in a blanket on the sofa, getting told not to move, not to exert himself, but to rest up nicely while Jamie, Matt and Nick helped him to shower, to disinfect his wound and to change his bandages, helped him to eat, to take his injections and his pills whilst preventing him from scratching at his stitches every time he had an itch. 

When he finally got bored of his sequences of taking naps and watching telly on repeat, he removed himself from the cushions and motioned towards the kitchen, aiming to either do the dishes or perhaps make himself a piece of toast. However, he was quickly busted by Nick who walked in the door, saw him reaching for a plate on the top shelf and stretching dangerously until the stitches began to tug at his skin, forcing Nick to interfere and throw his arms around him. Alex resisted at first when Nick held him in place, which only led Nick to insist harder as he ordered the smaller man to stop moving, to be more careful and look after himself. 

“Screw this,” Alex panted, writhing in Nick’s strong arms. “I’m bored out of my mind! Let me at least clean a plate or two, it won’t kill me.”

“You need to take it easy and you know it,” Nick reprimanded him with a chuckle, “doctor’s orders. I mean, come on, Al, is this really worth ripping your wound open for?”

“No, but this is,” Alex replied with a naughty grin as he traced his hand down between Nick’s legs and cupped him teasingly. “Is Daddy gonna let me be bad? Pretty please?” 

Nick inhaled sharply and grinded his teeth. This had to stop before things escalated like they always did.

“Nice try, love,” he laughed, trying to sound as nonchalant as possible. “It’s not gonna work on me. You were strictly told not to have sex until your stitches have been taken.” 

“We can do other things than just sex,” Alex suggested desperately as he sank to his knees and attempted to remove Nick’s belt using his teeth. “Come on, baby, you gotta let me have some fun.” 

“Alex, no,” Nick scolded him and stepped away from him immediately. “You’re not ready. We can’t mess with your hormone levels, you know that.” 

“What does that even mean?” Alex huffed with indignity. “I know my own body, I’ll be fine. I need this.”

“No you don’t. What you need is lots of rest, lots of food and a big cup of tea,” the bassist persisted. “Your body’s been through lots of changes so you need time to adapt.”

“But-“

“No. Nuh-uh. Back to the sofa you go.” 

A couple of days later, Alex found himself napping with his head rested in Jamie’s lap. He woke up to the sound of a rather horrible theme tune being played, after which he looked up to see Jamie watching Coronation Street with dedication. 

“Are you kidding me?” Alex grumbled as he rubbed his eyes with annoyance. “Since when did you turn into my Nan?” 

“What’s wrong with Coronation Street?” Jamie shrugged without taking his eyes off the screen. “Drama shows are timeless, you know.” 

“That’s only because they never fucking end,” Alex moaned.

“What’s with you today?” Jamie sighed as he began to thread his fingers through Alex’s hair. “What’s with the crankiness?”

“I’m not cranky,” Alex retorted, “I’m bored out of my mind. You guys won’t let me do anything.”

“That’s not true,” Jamie said defensively. “But that’s not the point. You need some time to heal, remember?”

“I’m serious, I can’t do another two weeks of this,” Alex whined and removed himself from Jamie’s lap. “I feel like an old person. I feel – I feel trapped.”

“Then how can I help you?” Jamie offered with genuine care, reaching for his lover’s hand. “Tell me. What do you need?”

“Suck me off,” Alex blurted out pleadingly. 

“Alex!”

“Fine, then I’ll suck you off.”

“No,” Jamie told him harshly. “Absolutely not. We’ve talked about this already.”

“But I need to cum so badly,” he complained, feeling like a teenager whose libido kept getting him in trouble. “You don’t understand how badly I need it…”

“Actually, I do. In case you forgot, we’re all in the same boat,” Jamie reminded him without sympathy. “We’re all saving up for when we can finally – you know…”

“When you can all gang bang me and make me pregnant?” Alex smirked. He’d already daydreamed about the three of them taking turns with him, finishing inside him one by one, filling him up with their sperm, even if it wasn’t really about him, but about breeding him like a dog, about sending off their strongest swimmers one by one and waiting to see who made it to the finish line first. Even if it wasn’t about him as much as it was about the outcome, and about accomplishing the improbable, Alex still wanted it bad. Or at least, he had days where he wanted it, gagged for it, felt willing to beg and bargain for it. Then of course there were days where the thought of it scared him senseless, made him want to make them wear a condom any time they as much as touched him or even kissed his lips, simply because the thought of getting pregnant seemed so outrageous, so tricky, so shameful, it was making him want to cross his legs and never open them up to anyone ever again. 

“When we can make love to you,” Jamie corrected him patiently, entwining his fingers with Alex’s. “When you’re actually ready for it, that is.” 

“You know what, I don’t believe you,” Alex sighed, full of self-pity. “I don’t think you’re waiting with me. Your balls would be blue by now and I wouldn’t be the only one complaining.” 

“Nonsense,” Jamie assured him. “Stop feeling so sorry for yourself.”

“You’re all having sex behind my back, aren’t you?”

Jamie’s silence was all the answer he needed.

 

XxX

 

“Your phone is ringing,” Matt informed Alex who had busied himself ignoring it for the third time that very afternoon. “It’s Miles’s name popping up on your screen over and over again. Why aren’t you answering it?”

“M’ too tired,” Alex lied, rearranging himself until he was facing away from Matt on the sofa. “I’ll call him back later.”

“That’s what you said yesterday. Look who’s still trying to get a hold of you,” the drummer stated bluntly. “Alex, what’s wrong? He’s your best friend.”

“Nothing’s wrong. I’m just really, really tired.” 

“You know, you could invite him over. He’s probably dying to see you. Would stop you from feeling so bored all the time.”

“I’m sure he’s busy,” Alex refused simply, causing Matt to snap.

“Next time he calls you, I’m going to answer it for you,” he threatened, and it finally earned him the reaction he wanted.

“Maffew, don’t-“ Alex exclaimed suddenly, jerking upwards when Matt reached for his phone. “No, stop!”

“What’s wrong?” Matt prodded knowingly, narrowing his eyes as he watched Alex’s paling expression. “Usually you’re on the phone with him for hours and hours.”

“He…” Alex hesitated, rubbing his knuckles against his forehead tiredly. “He doesn’t know, okay?” 

“Know?” Matt frowned. “About… the surgery?”

“About any of it,” Alex confessed sadly. “I haven’t told him anything yet.”

“But – why not?” Matt looked like he didn’t understand at all. “Love, it’s been weeks. Hasn’t he been wondering where the hell you’ve been?”

“I told him I was going to visit my folks for some time,” Alex said, biting his lip awkwardly. “I told him I’d be away and that I’d let him know when I was back. I just couldn’t – well, I didn’t know how to explain it to him. It seemed so overwhelming at the time.”

“Wait, so… He has no idea that we’re trying to get pregnant? That you’ve undergone surgery?” Matt looked devastatingly flabbergasted and it was making Alex feel guilty all over again. But he didn’t understand it. How could he possibly? It was easy enough for him, for Nick, for Jamie, to keep this thing a secret and not feel obligated to tell their families and friends. They weren’t the ones who were going to change. They weren’t the ones who would have to hide their faces in public and wear oversized sweaters for the next nine months to come just to look like a normal person. They wouldn’t have to deal with their images being transformed and altered, or the weight gain, or the scar, or any of that shit. 

In fact, Alex decided that Matt had no business lecturing him about something he didn’t know.

“Don’t you think I’ve needed just a little time to get used to everything?” Alex bit back unapologetically. “Don’t you think I have enough on my mind without having to worry what everyone else is going to say?” 

Matt clammed up and let go of his phone, leaving it alone. Slowly, he nodded in acknowledgment, feeling like a jerk for upsetting the smaller man.

“I’m just saying,” he tried one more time, cautious not to overstep the line, “I can understand you not wanting to tell your parents, but Miles – he’s your best friend. And you’ve missed him, I can tell. And there’s no way that he would be anything but supportive.”

“Well,” Alex huffed, “maybe I’m not ready for him to find out yet.”

“But love, he’s going to find out sooner or later. Besides, he’s not going to look at you any differently…”

“You don’t know that,” Alex snapped, looking increasingly anxious. “Who’s to say if his opinion of me will change after this? Maybe I would only be making him uncomfortable.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it,” Matt soothed him quickly. “Miles has always been there for you, hasn’t he? He cares about you. He came running that day when you were hiding in the bedroom, didn’t he? He didn’t even hesitate.”

“I know,” Alex groaned, rubbing his eyes furiously, “but this is – different. It’s uncharted territory, alright? There’s no guidebook for how to react when your best friend tells you that they’re changing their body to become pregnant…”

“Alex,” Matt interrupted him softly, “you’re not embarrassed about your body now that you’ve had the surgery, are you?”

“What? N-no – of course not,” Alex stammered with surprise, failing to convince the other. “Anyway, that’s not the point. I just… don’t want him to tell me I’ve made a mistake, is all.”

“Made a mistake? Why on earth would he tell you that?”

“Because last time I spoke with him, I told him I had a choice to make. And that I was scared. And that I didn’t know what I wanted.” Alex paused with a deep breath, and as he went over his talk with Miles in his mind, he recalled Miles telling him not to agree to anything out of peer pressure, or fear, or out of pure loyalty to his lovers, no matter how badly he didn’t want to disappoint anybody.

“That was then,” Matt responded simply. “You’ve made up your mind about what you want since. You no longer have any doubts. Right?”

“No, of course not,” Alex uttered, ignoring the throbbing pain from inside of his skull, ignoring the fatigue he felt having to answer that question again and again, seeing as Matt never got tired of challenging his honesty. 

“It’s up to you,” Matt said finally, with a hint of conclusion, “but I think you should tell him. You’ll feel better for it. You’ll see that he’s going to be nothing but happy for you. After all, there’s going to be a child involved. Miles loves kids, doesn’t he?” 

‘That’s not the point,’ Alex nearly told him, before stopping himself. ‘Mi loves me more.’ 

“I want absolute privacy when I talk to him,” Alex answered instead, grasping for his phone before Matt could steal it from him again. “I want the room to myself. You guys can’t interfere, or listen by the door. Understood?” 

“Yeah, fine, whatever,” Matt chuckled, shaking his head with amusement. “You guys haven’t had a girls talk in a while, so feel free to indulge yourself, hun.” 

 

XxX 

 

“Mi?”

“Alex? Oh my God, I’ve been trying to reach you for days! What the fuck? Are you not back from your parents yet?” 

“Sorry, I stayed for longer than I had planned to,” Alex explained lamely over the phone, grateful that Miles couldn’t see the grimace on his face. “What’s up? How have you been?”

“How have I been?” Miles laughed mockingly on the other end. “I’ve been freaking out, obviously! It’s not like you to shut me out like this…”

“I didn’t mean to shut you out,” Alex blurted out mournfully, “Mi, I’m sorry, I – I’ve had a lot on my mind. I’ve missed you so much, you don’t even know.”

“You have?” Miles went silent for a moment, causing Alex’s heartbeat to accelerate. “Now, that’s more like it. Say more things like that.”

Alex couldn’t keep himself from giggling.

“Of course I’ve missed you,” he assured the Scouse. “We never go this long without seeing each other. Things haven’t been the same.” 

“You can say that again,” Miles snorted humourously. “I was beginning to worry that…”

“That what?”

“That this silence of yours might have something to do with our last conversation. You know. That day you broke down crying in my arms and then went to sleep without telling me what was going on.”

“Yeah. I’m really sorry about that. Look, the truth is – I need to talk to you. But not over the phone.”

“Is everything okay? Do you want me to come over?”

“No. No, that’s okay. Let’s meet up somewhere. I need to leave the house before I lose my mind.”

“Alex, you’ve just told me that you’ve been out of town for weeks.”

“I know, I know, but still. I need to be out, to see people, you know, it’s just a feeling I have. I could come to your place. Or we could find a restaurant and-”

“Well, say no more, darling, I’ve got amazing news for you,” Miles grinned. “We’re going to Alexa’s party Friday night. You and me, like back in the old days. And don’t you dare tell me you’ve already made plans…”

“Alexa’s party?” Alex muttered with confusion. “What party?”

“Hmm, I’m guessing she never managed to get through to you, huh? She texted me last week complaining about you ignoring her calls. Well, at least I’m not the only one you decided to cut off while you were at your parents.”

“Mi, you know I’d never cut you off, stop being so dramatic. But shit, I had no idea. Was she calling to invite me?” 

“No, she was calling you for a booty call,” Miles told him like he was an idiot. “What do you think? Of course she was trying to invite you. Let’s hope she hasn’t taken you off the guest out of spite. You know, for ignoring her and all.”

“Yeah, about that,” Alex sighed. “I don’t know about the party. It might not be such a good idea for me to go.” 

“Are you kidding me?” Miles whined with genuine distress. “You can’t leave me hanging like this. Alex, please – it’s been ages since we’ve had a night out together.”

“No, it hasn’t,” Alex corrected him, “I mean, it’s been a while, but not ages. And it’s not like I don’t want to, it’s just – complicated.” 

“I’m starting to think you’re hiding something from me,” Miles concluded pensively. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Like I said, I need to tell you something, but only in person. Don’t worry, everything’s fine, it’s just – a long story, I guess.”

“Listen, mate, it sounds like you need cheering up. What better way to take your mind off things than to get shitfaced together? I’m sure Alexa and her cute model friends would agree.” 

“I’m not getting shitfaced,” he laughed quietly in response. “I mean – I still can’t drink.”

“Okay, now I definitely know you’re hiding something,” Miles remarked lightly, though Alex could still hear the concern in the Scouse’s voice. “Look – Al, darling, please, I’m grasping at straws here. I haven’t seen you in so long. I thought you said you missed me.”

“I do,” Alex swore sincerely, “it’s just that-“

“I know, I know, it’s complicated. But please, just let me take you out. I need to see you and make sure that you’re okay and that you’re not just saying it to make me feel better. Please just go with me Friday night. I need you by my side, you’re my wingman, you’re my… boy. It wouldn’t be the same without you, and you know it. Come on. What do you say?” 

Biting his lip, feeling torn between making things up to his friend and obeying with Dr Robinson’s instructions, Alex groaned quietly, knowing deep down that he’d already let Miles persuade him.

“Fine. On one condition. You can’t ask me why, but I need you to promise me that no matter what, we’re not telling the lads that we’re going to a party. I’m just going to tell them that we’ll be at your place the entire time.”

“Wait,” Miles objected, “Why would they-“

“I said you couldn’t ask me why. Mi, I’m sorry, but I need you to promise me you won’t tell them.” 

“Alright, fine – if that’s what it takes for me to see you. Fucking hell, Alex, you know I love you and that I would walk to the moon and back for you, but this is getting weird.”

“Aw, you would really walk to the moon and back for me?” Alex responded teasingly. “That’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

“Hey, watch it, Bambi. I can’t say I’m happy about enabling you to lie to your boyfriends, but if you really want me to cover for you, at least promise me that you’ll let me in on these secrets of yours. You know I don’t like it when we keep things from each other, you and I.” 

“I wouldn’t keep anything from you unless necessary. You know that,” Alex reminded his friend sincerely. “Mi, I – I trust you like no one else. It’s just something… personal. And, I guess, terrifying.” 

“Terrifying?” 

“Yeah. Like – things-will-never-be-the-same terrifying.” 

“God, I wish you could just tell me now.”

“I know. Sorry.”

“Hey, Al. You know – no matter what it is you’re going to tell me. It’s going to be okay. We’re going to make it okay, together. I would never allow anything bad to happen to you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, mate. I’m here for you, always.”

Alex fell silent. A sudden tightness in his chest had his cheeks flushing and his eyes watering.

“Alex? You okay?”

“Uh, yeah, I’m fine,” the brunette uttered in a slightly raspy voice, swallowing hard as he tried to regain his speech. “Sorry – I’ve just been a little emotional lately.” 

Miles released a small breath, hesitating.

“Alex, love, I hate hearing you cry,” the Scouse responded with evident frustration. “You know it breaks my heart when you’re upset.”

“No,” Alex wheezed with a small laugh, wiping at his eyes. “No, Mi, I’m not upset. Actually… I feel really happy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> And yeah sorry, I guess I lied when I said that Miles would find out in this chapter - we're getting close to the big revelation, though! ^_^


	7. The Revelation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex attends Alexa's party, knowing full well that it's time to tell Miles about everything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, here is the revelation + Miles's reaction to the big news! ;))
> 
> (Warning: Contains angst and oh too many different emotions) 
> 
> Sorry about the length of the chapter, I really can't seem to help myself.
> 
> Thanks for all the support <3

Friday night, dinner was interrupted when Alex received a text from Miles telling him that he was waiting in a cab outside, with the metre running. As Alex stood up from the table and announced that he had to get going, that he didn’t want to keep Miles waiting, he felt instantly guilty for not even finishing the meal that Nick had prepared for him so caringly. Despite Alex’s assuring him that the meal was lovely and that he wished he could stay for longer, Nick continued to give him those big, blue, wounded puppy dog eyes, and when Nick further made a comment about Jamie and Matt appreciating his food, Alex decided to go all in. 

“I love your food, baby,” the brunette flattered him as lovingly as he could while placing himself in Nick’s lap, wrapping his arms around his neck. “I really appreciate everything you guys do for me. I’m sorry I have to leave so soon. I wish I could stay and compliment the chef some more.”

He began to kiss Nick tenderly, deciding that Miles would forgive him for an extra few minutes, and when Nick wrapped his strong arm around his waist and held him close, he felt himself getting hopelessly into it. He was only released after another while when eventually, Nick giggled and chose to let him be excused.

“Go if you must – just stop being so God damn cute about it.”

Alex smirked with satisfaction and hugged Nick one last time before detaching himself. He was ready to get his things when, suddenly, Jamie started interrogating him.

“How late are you staying at Miles’s place for?” 

Alex told him he wasn’t sure.

“What if you get tired? You’re still supposed to be resting, not socializing.” 

This time, Matt told Jamie that in Alex’s defense, he and Miles were only going to be jamming for a bit, playing a little guitar together and maybe looking at some songs. 

“Aren’t you a bit overdressed for a jamming session?” Jamie noted then. He took a curious look at Alex’s nice shirt and those sinful, black slim fit jeans that he wore.

Alex shrugged at the accusation. “Miles dresses like this all the time.”

“Are you planning on telling Miles about your surgery tonight?” Matt prompted, interrupting Jamie intentionally before the blonde could ask Alex another question.

“Well… Yeah,” Alex murmured, scratching at his neck tentatively, “I guess I have to.”

“Are you nervous about telling him?”

“No,” Alex lied without hesitation, wanting to stop the flow of questions. “I mean, why should I be nervous? He’s going to be thrilled for me. Right?”

 

XxX 

 

When he walked out the driveway to find Miles standing there by the road, holding open the door to the cab for him with a big grin on his face, Alex felt his heart skipping a beat, and he crossed the remaining distance between them by running straight into the Scouse’s arms. 

“Mi!” He gasped. “Oh my God, it’s so good to see you!” 

Miles’s arms encircled his body instantly and Alex couldn’t keep himself from jumping the other man. With his arms around Miles’s neck, he pressed his face against his shoulder firmly, taking in his smell, his warmth; everything about him that made Alex feel calm, feel safe, and he further wrapped his legs around Miles’s hips, childishly letting the slightly taller man carry his weight, making Alex feel protected. 

“Woah, there!” Miles laughed, and the pure sound of his joy had Alex’s heart fluttering happily. “I guess you weren’t lying when you said you missed me, huh?” 

Alex smiled blissfully, refusing to let go of his friend even when the cab driver honked his horn and urged the two of them to either get in or get lost. 

“Bloody Londoners,” Miles grumbled with an eye roll. “Always so fucking rude.”

Alex, however, didn’t care.

“Thank you for coming,” he whispered, full of gratitude. “I’m sorry – I was an idiot for not calling you.”

“Believe me, love, you’re forgiven. I’ve never been able to stay mad at you, anyway,” Miles said with a cheeky wink, after which he attempted to gently peel Alex off him. “Come on. In you go.”

When he gestured for Alex to take the front seat, Alex simply shook his head and pulled at Miles’s arm, insisting that they got in the backseat together.

“I’m not done telling you how much I’ve missed you,” Alex joked as the two of them finally sat down next to one another. He pulled at his seat belt and fastened it across his abdomen, wincing silently, hating the way it dug into his skin and grazed his stitches, causing his wound to flare up. “How have you been? What have you been up to? Tell me everything.” 

“You want me to tell you everything?” Miles snorted. “You’re the one with a great, big secret. I could barely sleep last night thinking about it. So go on – tell me what you’ve been hiding from me!” 

“Oh – no, Mi, not here,” the brunette said with a shake of his head, “the evening’s just begun, let’s enjoy ourselves for a bit. Tell me about the party – how many people are coming? Do we know anyone there?”

“Yeah, I bet we know loads of them. You know, Alexa tends to invite the half of London for these events.” The Scouse paused to give his friend a pensive look. “Why can’t you just tell me what’s going on now?”

“I – I don’t want to put a downer on the entire evening before it’s even started. “Let’s just wait.”

“That bad, huh?”

Alex took a hold of Miles’s hand and squeezed it delicately.

“We’ll talk later,” he promised him. “Right now, I just want to be happy. I want to laugh.”

Miles, however, couldn’t help but to notice that Alex was looking a bit thin. When he sought confirmation from Alex that he was in good health, Alex quickly dodged his questions and started raising new ones instead. He wanted to know how Miles was feeling, if he’d been seeing anyone lately. Even though Miles claimed he had only been on unsuccessful dates so far, Alex told him that it was a start, and when Miles shrugged in return and supposed that it was better for him to spend some time alone than to wine and dine a lineup of girls who were all wrong for him, Alex quickly responded by comforting him.

“You’re not on your own. You have me. You have us – I mean, you’re basically part of the family.” 

Miles raised both eyebrows in wonder. Alex’s serious expression had him equally puzzled and amused.

“The family? What family?”

“You know… The family. You, me, the lads. We’re here for each other, no matter what happens. Right?”

Though he felt appreciative of the inclusion, Miles responded by commenting on Alex’s display of emotion.

“Are you sure you’re okay? You’re acting all sentimental. And what’s with the handholding? I mean, it’s cute and I’m definitely not complaining. It’s just that you’re not usually this… clingy.” 

“I’m not clingy,” Alex contradicted him. “I’m just happy to see you.”

Once again, he had to convince Miles that they should talk about something else. Finally, Miles recalled a funny story that he’d been saving for this occasion and he indulged Alex by changing the subject. He told him about this girl that he had had a date with the other day. He couldn’t quite remember if her name had been Carla or Carly, but she had apparently been gorgeous, fit, though not at all funny. She hadn’t laughed at a single one of Miles’s jokes and surprise, surprise, they had ended up never calling each other back for a second date. 

“Anyway,” Miles told him, “she had this black top on – nice, tight in all the right places. However, I realised that something was written on it in gold letters. So I lean in, trying to read whatever it says across her chest, and she sees me staring at her, after which she decides to absolutely lose her shit…” 

Alex was listening attentively when, suddenly, their cab driver overtook another car in front of them and sped up murderously in an attempt to beat the red lights, only to then realise he wasn’t going to make it. He then hit the brakes so hard, Miles and Alex both fell forwards, nearly banging their heads against the front seats. However, it was the fierce, abrupt motion that had Alex crying out in pain as the seatbelt tightened and squeezed around his stomach excruciatingly. It was like taking a punch to the gut. Alex felt the air leaving his lungs as he gasped without being able to breathe and clasped both hands over his abdomen, groaning out in further agony when his wound started to throb.

Miles had heard his cry and once he’d recovered from the initial shock of nearly falling out of his seat, he glared at the driver furiously. 

“Are you fucking trying to kill us?” The Scouse bellowed, glaring at their driver. “Fucking watch it, mate, don’t make me call your superior and report your ass!” 

The driver didn’t seem to feel too threatened by that, although he did mutter a small apology, after which he cleverly turned up the radio, hoping to avoid further conversation.

“Bloody hell! Are you alright?” Miles fretted, turning to face Alex who continued to wheeze with difficulty. “Alex, what happened? Are you hurt?” 

“N-no, I’m… fine…” Alex managed, screwing his face up in concentration as he finally got his breathing back under control. “I’m okay. I’m okay.”

“No, you’re not, you’re clearly in pain,” Miles uttered with horror, gripping the brunette’s arm. “What is it? Is it your stomach?”

Alex was still grinding his teeth to prevent himself from hissing or cursing out in agony. He knew he couldn’t let Miles find out this way, it would be too humiliating. Once he’d convinced himself that he was going to be okay, that his stitches hadn’t torn and that he hadn’t started to bleed, he rested his back against the seat and inhaled deeply.

“It’s nothing,” he panted finally, forcing a small grin. “The blow had me winded, is all.” 

“But it sounded like you were in pain,” Miles persisted. “Let me have a look at you. You didn’t bruise a rib, did you? Lift up your shirt for a sec.” 

“N-no,” Alex stammered, wrapping his arms around himself. “No, that’s not necessary. I promise, I’m fine. Just – finish your story.”

“Your cheeks are all red. Just admit it – you’re hurting.” 

“No. I mean – not anymore…”

“Alex!”

“Miles, no – not now. I told you, we can talk later.”

“So this is part of your big secret?” Miles frowned. “Are you sick or something? Do you have an injury?” 

“No,” Alex appeased him, feeling tremendously guilty, “I’m completely healthy. I promise.” 

“You better mean it.” 

“I do. Mi, please – can we pretend this didn’t happen? We’re here to have fun. Go on. Finish your story.”

“I – I can’t even remember what I was going to say.”

“You were staring at her chest,” Alex reminded him, eager to remove the focus from himself. “What happened then? Did she slap you?”

“How’d you guess?” Miles snapped, watching Alex with astonishment. 

“I saw it earlier, but I wasn’t going to say anything,” Alex told him woefully as he cupped Miles’s jaw. “You’ve got this red, finger-shaped mark on your left cheek. Must have hurt like a bitch.” 

Miles neither confirmed or denied. Instead, he just burst out laughing and like a chain reaction, Alex found himself cracking up and forgetting all about his stomach aches.

 

XxX

 

They exited the cab together and stepped out to find a street that was invaded by photographers and a nightclub that was barricaded by doormen and various bouncers. Those who turned around to stare at the newly arrived twosome would find the boys walking shoulder by shoulder, keeping close to one another as though stuck together by glue, wearing big grins and naughty smiles on their faces, even as the first few cameras turned to them and began to shower them in flashlights. Though Alex worried about the lads seeing their picture somewhere and realising that he’d lied about his plans for the night, he continued to smile as Miles wrapped his arm around him, whispered another joke in his ear and caused him to giggle like a fourteen-year-old, much to the amusement of their audience. 

“Alex! Miles! You guys look like you’re about to snog each other,” a female reporter shouted at them, acting like she had just issued a request.

“Quick, let’s get inside,” Miles chuckled and led Alex through the crowd, “we don’t want to make your boys jealous, do we?” 

Alex had wondered if they needed to check with the guest list upon entering, but as it turned out, they were escorted through the doors immediately and guided directly onto the VIP section. 

“Oh my God,” Alex whispered in Miles’s ear as he took a look at all the people around them dancing, small talking, buying drinks. “It’s so busy.” 

“Yeah, I don’t see a single familiar face here,” Miles responded. “I doubt Alexa will even notice we’re here.”

“Excuse me?” A voice appearing from behind him forced Miles to jerk. “Are you insinuating that I’m a negligent hostess? Well, seeing as I don’t pay enough attention to my guests, I won’t bring up the fact that the two of you are twenty minutes late to my party.” 

They spun around and there was Alexa – mischievous, chic, sparkly and fabulous as ever. Dressed to kill. She grinned at the flabbergasted expression on Miles’s face and appeared to take great pleasure in surprising them both.

“Well, go on, then,” she beamed teasingly, “say something. I am your hostess this fine evening. Acknowledge me.” 

Alex responded by simply pulling her in for a hug; for some strange reason that he couldn’t quite make sense of, the idea of reconnecting with old friends was beginning to feel particularly meaningful to him. Every now and again, he worried that with all the fuss about babies and getting pregnant, parts of his old life would get lost. Forgotten. But that wasn’t what he wanted. Seeing Alexa for the first time in months suddenly reminded him how badly he wanted to keep everyone close. 

“Woah,” Alexa uttered with mild astonishment. “That wasn’t the reaction I expected.”

“Don’t mind him, he’s sort of emotional today,” Miles joked. “I’m not sure why.” 

“I’m – I’m not emotional,” Alex objected blushingly. “It’s just – it’s been a while.” 

Alexa’s banter seemed to have been washed away by Alex’s sincerity. She locked her arms around him in return and reciprocated the hug happily, after which she pulled back to look him in the eyes and study his face.

“You should have returned my calls if you missed me, darling,” she smiled at him, with no trace of blame. “I kept waiting to hear from you. Some of us were starting to worry.” 

“I know. I’m sorry I’ve been so busy.”

“Well, at least you made it. You look good,” she complimented him, reaching up on her toes to kiss the brunette’s cheek. “You’re growing your hair longer and longer, I see. It’s very pretty,” she added with a giggle.

“Oh,” Alex smiled with embarrassment. “I was hoping for ‘rock n’ roll.’”

“Nah,” she taunted him, “if anything it makes you look… angelic.” 

“That’s what I’ve been telling him,” Miles joined in, winking at Alex just to embarrass him further. “It’s cute, innit?” 

“Well, it’s no surprise that you like it, Kane,” Alexa said wittily, after which she opened her arms and waived at the Scouse. “Come here – I need a hug from you, too. By the way, Miles, when’s the last time you bought a shirt that wasn’t Fred Perry?” 

“Oh, shut it, just ‘cause you’re wearing such a wondrous dress,” Miles huffed, though he hugged her tight. “How come you’re a lot nicer to him than me?” 

“Why wouldn’t I be nicer to him?” She smirked, giving Alex a look of adoration. “Anyway, come – have a seat by the bar. I’ll get you both a drink before I have to go mingle. What would you boys like?” 

“Actually, Alexa, Angel-hair here is on the wagon,” Miles remarked. “But I will take a dirty martini.”

“What? You’re not drinking?” Alexa eyed Alex as though she barely knew him anymore. “Since when?” 

“Oh,” Alex replied, trying to sound casual, “yeah, well, it’s just this new thing that I’ve been trying out, I guess. Just for some time.” 

“Why?” Alexa uttered with a tinge of concern. “Are you on medication or something?”

Miles watched Alex shaking his head with a small smile and it suddenly hit him that the brunette’s reaction had at least taught him one thing he didn’t know before: 

Alex was a terrible liar.

 

XxX 

 

“So… Are you on medication?” Miles asked him calmly while they were sat at the bar, he with a dirty martini, Alex with a diet coke. “Is that why you can’t drink?” 

Alex looked at him cautiously as he realised that Miles still wasn’t backing down.

“I thought we agreed to talk about this later,” he retorted, but Miles wasn’t having any of it.

“So what are you on medication for?” The Scouse prodded him relentlessly. “Is it serious? You told me you were healthy.”

“Mi, come on…”

“No, Alex, really. There’s obviously something going on with you. I’m starting to think it’s all connected to that check-up you had at the doctor’s last month. I mean, who goes to the doctor for a check-up unless something’s wrong?” 

Before Alex could even answer him, he felt someone tapping him on the shoulder. When he turned around to see who it was, he was more or less blinded by flashlights. He had failed to notice the camera being pointed in his face by none other than Zachery Michael; his good friend, the talented, whimsical, longhaired photographer who had probably been hired by Alexa to snap some pictures of tonight’s event. Alex clenched his eyes shut, and before he managed to regain his vision, Zach had wrapped his arms around him while he laughed in his ear. 

“Gorgeous! I’m having this one framed.” 

“Zach! Shit, I didn’t even know you were here,” Alex uttered blinkingly. “Fuck – you’ve absolutely blinded me.” 

“You know your snaps are the most beautiful when I take you by surprise,” Zach chuckled. “Speaking of…” 

He raised his camera and photographed Miles just as someone appeared from behind him and covered his eyes with their hands. Alex looked over to see their mutual friend, David Adcock, laughing as he harassed the Scouse without remorse. 

“Who is it?” Miles demanded. “Hey, stop it! We were actually in the middle of something-“ 

David doubled over with laughter and gave himself away. 

“Is that the way you wanna talk to the guy who’s going to buy you next round?” David poked Miles with his elbow before turning to Alex. “Turner, my man! What can I get you and your boyfriend?”

“Actually,” Alex told him, “the lads aren’t here tonight.”

“I know,” David laughed. “I was talking about Kane.” 

“Suck it, David,” Miles finally hit back. “We were actually having a conversation here. Besides, Alex isn’t drinking.”

“Mate!” This time, Zach gripped both of Alex’s shoulders. “I hear ya. I’ve got something even better for you instead.”

“Weed?” Alex pulled a face when he saw what Zach pulled out from his pocket. “Are you for real? Does Alexa know you brought this in here?” 

“Don’t worry about Alexa,” Zach smirked. “Come on. Let’s head outside to the terrace for a bit.”

It was hard to tell which one of them was more displeased with the way things had taken a turn. Miles who had been trying to get Alex to talk, or Alex who once again had to be a snore and decline any offer to participate. Eventually, Miles grew tired of sulking and decided that a little smoking wasn’t going to hurt anybody while Alex, on the contrary, spent the following hour just watching passively as his friends passed Zach’s special cigarettes around and took turns at inhaling, coughing, exhaling. The more they giggled and burst out laughing at each other’s expressions when the smell and taste became too much, the faster Alex grew bored. Miles was reluctant to leave him out of sight, but in the end, Alex ended up going for a walk around the terrace, which was getting fairly crowded, only to return to their table with a pack of cards he’d found in an empty chair. 

“Do you guys want to see a card trick?” He asked innocently in an attempt to entertain himself.

Zach looked up at him and blew some smoke in his face, causing Alex to cough. 

“Wow, adorable and dorky. Did you hear that, Kane?” David laughed. “A card trick.” 

“I think someone is looking for a distraction,” Miles joked, pulling Alex closer until the brunette was sitting in his lap. “Go on, darling. Show us your trick.” 

Alex looked into Miles’s eyes and saw how completely unfocused they were. Miles wasn’t smiling. From the looks of it, he was still feeling uneasy. Concerned. 

“No, that’s okay,” he replied politely, feeling suddenly claustrophobic. There were so many people surrounded them and yet, Miles was looking at him like that. Like a tragedy was waiting around the corner. “Maybe later.”

“Are you okay?” Miles asked as he wrapped his arm around Alex’s stomach. “You look a little tired.”

Alex winced at the contact, pulling back involuntarily, forcing Miles to let go. Miles noticed his look of anguish.

“Alex?” He uttered, dumbfounded. “What-“

“I’m fine,” Alex cut him off as he removed himself from his lap. “I think I’ll go dancing for a bit.”

Miles hadn’t been exaggerating. Alex knew he looked tired, because he was feeling it. The noise alone was causing his head to throb. All the chatter felt suddenly much too draining, he knew he had to get away from it. Jamie had been right. This was probably too soon. Alex needed a big bed to hide himself in. He needed peace and quiet. He wanted to rest. He wanted to lie his head in Jamie’s lap and fall asleep with his lover stroking his hair and filling him with gentle praises. And yet, this was where he was. A dancefloor. As Alex entered it, he decided to switch off and simply give himself a break. 

He was quickly recognised by a group of Alexa’s girl friends. They waived him over and when he joined them, he saw that Alexa was dancing in the middle of them, swaying a bottle of champagne in her hand, shaking it and letting the foam shower the girls closest to her. Amidst the cheering she looked up to find Alex there, smiling at her way of having fun, and she let out a small scream before sprinting towards him. She threw her arms around him and just when Alex thought she was about to pull him in closer to her, she grinded against him lightly and pushed him back as part of her dance routine. Alex knew he was a terrible dancer and that the idea of Alexa putting him on the spot, completely sober, in front of all of her friends, should be scaring him straight. But somehow, he just went with it. He swayed his hips and sauntered back towards her, grateful when Alexa wrapped her arms around his neck and played along. He tried his best to lead her, to take the first few steps that required her to follow him, which she did.

“Alexander Turner, I’m going to have my way with you tonight,” she joked as they broke apart, and she began to grind and rub herself against him one more time, moving to the rhythm of the music. 

The dancing, however, quickly escalated into something Alex hadn’t signed up for when two girls returned from the bar and attracted everyone’s attention by stripping out of their shirts. Taking turns, the girls opened up a bottle of tequila and began to pour the liquid down each other’s naked chests and bellies. Alexa’s eyes widened with horror, though when the huge crowd of people surrounding them started to cheer, she appeared to loosen up and go along with it instead of calling security. The girls began to pull random blokes in from the crowd as they offered themselves up for free body shots. Though they had plenty of volunteers, the girl on the right appeared to have sought out Alex and the minute that her eyes landed on him, he knew he was in trouble. 

“You,” the girl smiled as she gripped his arm and tried to pull him in. “Come here.”

Alexa came to his rescue immediately.

“He doesn’t drink,” she said, rejecting the advance on his behalf. “Besides, he plays for the opposite team. Try someone else, love.” 

“Thank you,” Alex whispered to her, however, he would soon learn from Alexa’s smirk that he wasn’t off the hook yet.

“No way I’m letting you lick another girl’s chest. This is my party. You’re my guest,” she smiled dangerously as she pushed her hand against his chest and started to walk him backwards. “If you’re putting on a show for anyone, it’s me. And seeing as you can’t drink, I think we ought to swap the roles.” 

“Wait, what are we doing?” The grin slowly died on Alex’s lips when she grew even more persistent. 

“I can’t have those two upstaging me, can I? Follow my lead, I’ll take charge.”

Alex felt himself walking into a table and nearly lost his balance. Apparently, this was exactly what Alexa had in mind. Swiftly, she forced him further back. Lucky for Alex, some guy removed the empty beer bottles off the surface before Alexa made him fall back onto the table. If it was attention she wanted, she had managed just that. Her guests turned their heads with excitement when she pushed Alex down and jumped on top of him.

“Alexa, wait-“

Though she was light, the extra weight coming down on him was enough to cause the breath to catch in his throat. It was only then that Alex was reminded just how feeble he’d recently been. 

“Let’s teach those bitches not to steal the show,” she suggested laughingly whilst tugging at Alex’s shirt. She pointed her champagne bottle at his torso. “I’m going to lick this baby right off your skin…” 

Alex felt paralysed. He couldn’t move, not even when she shifted on top of him and forced him to swallow his sudden urge to scream. She was looking for some harmless fun and trying to make people laugh, but the truth was that her innocent intentions were breaking him physically. She was hurting him and she wasn’t even aware. 

“Alexa… Stop.” 

He winced and tried to seize her hand, but she was too fast for him. She ripped his shirt open and only managed to stop herself from soaking Alex’s belly with alcohol last second, the unexpected view of a big, hideous wound taking her by surprise and causing her to freeze. 

She was too speechless to say anything. People around the table, however, were soon enough whispering, trying to move closer to see what had caused her to stall. Alex didn’t even have time to register the humiliation. The pain had him crumbling underneath her and though she had fallen utterly quiet, his desperation forced him to break the silence.

“Please – get off…” 

The sound of his voice finally had her reacting.

“Alex,” she gasped, “what happened to you?” 

Before Alex knew what was happening, Miles was there. He was looking down at Alex’s wound with terror before shifting his gaze towards Alexa.

“Get off him,” he urged her anxiously, even offering her a hand to smoothen the process. “Careful. You’re squashing him.”

As soon as Alexa had dismounted him, Alex pulled himself into an upright position. That was when he noticed all the faces staring at him curiously. Though Miles was now clutching at his arm and repeating his name over and over again, Alex failed to interpret a single word. He couldn’t look the Scouse in the eyes at this point. His cheeks were burning red with shame and so, instead of responding to any of the questions that Miles and Alexa were both bombarding him with, he quietly tore himself free and excused himself, dashing towards the nearest restroom where he locked the door and fell to the floor, giving way for his tears.

 

XxX 

 

“Alex!” Miles shouted from the other side of the door, from where he kept knocking with impatience. “Open up! I – I need to see you! I mean, fuck – are you alright?”

Alex had been sobbing into the palm of his hand, but now he busied himself wiping his eyes dry, or at least trying to, just to maintain the slightest ounce of dignity. 

“I’m okay. I’m okay…” he retorted, his voice rough and strained, and he stretched out his arm, searching for the lock. “A-are you alone?”

“Yeah, man, I swear it’s only me. Let me in – please? Just let me see you.” 

Reluctantly, Alex worked the lock. As soon as Miles heard it clicking, he opened the door frantically and rushed inside the smaller room. He locked the door behind him to ensure total privacy, but as soon as Alex raised his head and looked at him through tear-stained eyes, Miles fell to his knees and threw his arms around him. When Alex’s head slumped against Miles’s shoulder naturally, it quickly gave way for a new flow of tears. 

“Oh, Alex,” Miles uttered sadly, holding him close.

“I’m sorry,” Alex choked devastatingly, “I’m fine – it’s just… I didn’t want you to find out this way.” 

Alex sniffled and untangled himself from the Scouse to grab a roll of toilet paper. He blew his nose and dried his eyes stubbornly, wanting nothing more than to regain control of his emotions. When he returned to Miles and looked into his face, however, he was stunned to discover that his eyes, too, had grown watery. 

“Mi?”

“I knew you were hiding something bad,” the Scouse whispered, shaking his head as he smiled sorrowfully. “I should have guessed. Fuck… Just tell me, Alex. Tell me what it is.”

“What?” Alex caught Miles’s gaze trailing down to stare at his stomach. “You mean this?”

“You’ve had surgery,” Miles blubbered, shedding his tears freely. “I mean, look at the size of that wound! Jesus Christ – no wonder you didn’t have the heart to tell me…” 

Miles’s hands were shaking when Alex took a hold of them. 

“Mi, wait, stop. Look at me. I’m not sick,” Alex soothed him, though Miles kept shaking his head and kept his eyes shut. “Did you hear me? I’m not sick, I promise. I’m completely healthy. I didn’t lie to you.”

“Yes, you did,” Miles sniveled. “You told me you were out of town to see your parents. Not to have your fucking stomach cut open!” 

Alex felt a jab of guilt stabbing into his gut.

“Okay, I’m sorry. I guess I did lie to you about that,” he admitted regretfully. “It was only because I wasn’t ready to tell you the truth. Besides, I’ve been so emotionally unbalanced lately, I only thought about avoiding drama, but I realise it was selfish of me to keep this a secret. I shouldn’t have kept you in the dark. Not you, Miles. You deserve better than that.” 

Though his apology was sincere, Miles had no time for it. He just gave Alex a desperate look; a look that begged him to just have the band aid ripped off and to make it hurt, because right now, the not knowing part was a million times more painful than whatever the truth might be. Alex knew then that he had to ease Miles’s fear, because he loved him, because the tears in his eyes were his fault alone. 

“Mi, I’m going to have a baby,” he whispered. His voice was thin, wobbly, but he knew Miles had heard him. “I had to have surgery because… I’m trying to get pregnant. We are trying to get pregnant. Me and the lads.” 

The tears were still dropping down from Miles’s eyes, but he had frozen altogether, not unlike Alexa when she’d exposed Alex’s marred stomach by accident. Alex recognised the shock and disbelief in his eyes, remembering how he, too, had felt something similar the first time that Matt had subjected him to the words ‘baby’ and ‘pregnant’ and had turned his world upside down. He knew that Miles would need some time to understand, to accept. Even when Miles retreated his hands and turned away from him, Alex knew not to blame him for the initial response. 

“Fuck off,” the Scouse exclaimed incredulously, his eyes scanning Alex’s body all over. “You’re not getting pregnant! Why would you even say something like that?” 

“Because it’s true,” Alex replied calmly, without taking offense. “Look, I know it sounds crazy. But apparently, it’s possible.”

“No,” Miles uttered, shaking his head stubbornly. “No way. No fucking way. I mean – how?! You – you can’t give birth!” 

Alex lifted up his shirt nervously and lowered his head to stare at the wound.

“If I manage to get pregnant,” he started, “I’ll get a C-section. This wound right here will get cut open again. That’s how it’s… possible.” 

Miles looked like Alex had started to speak to him in another language. When there was no immediate reaction from him, Alex continued:

“Look, I know it sounds crazy. Believe me, I do. I spent a lot of time trying to wrap my head around it, but the truth is that… it’s actually not as crazy as it sounds. I had the surgery so that I can – grow – something inside of me. A-and once I’m pregnant, it won’t actually be too different from a normal pregnancy.” Alex paused, sensing that his explanations weren’t getting him anywhere. “Mi, say something. Please?”

Miles nodded slowly. The bewilderment was still evident in his expression, but at least they had both stopped crying. 

“Are you in pain?” He asked quietly. First and foremost, Miles was letting his caring nature shine through, despite his confusion. “In the taxi – the seatbelt was hurting you…”

“I was in pain right after the surgery, but not anymore,” Alex assured him with a slight smile. “I’m just sore. I can’t have anything weighing down on the wound. But other than that, I’m fine.”

“Did you all,” Miles paused to clear his throat, “did you all have this – this surgery?” He winced at the word. “Are you all trying to get pregnant?”

“No,” Alex told him, “it’s just me.”

“What?” Miles cried. “Why?”

“We all got tested. Apparently, I was best suited. Something about my hormones – I don’t know.” 

“But – you’re the smallest! A-and pregnancies are really hard on the body,” Miles fretted. 

Alex rolled his eyes. Not this again.

“Look, the doctors wouldn’t have let me go through with this if they didn’t think I’m strong enough. Besides – I was kind of our only option. They considered Jamie as well, but something about his testosterone levels – I don’t even know. Somehow the odds were with me. I – I had to do it.” 

“Had to?” Miles narrowed his eyes. “You mean you were forced to do it? Did you even want to? Did they even ask you how you felt about it?”

“Of course they did,” Alex responded cuttingly. “Miles, come on – they would never force me to do something like this. I wouldn’t have offered to undergo surgery unless I really wanted to.”

“So whose idea was this in the first place?” Miles pressed on. “I have never heard you talking about babies, Al. You have never before told me that you wanted a kid, let alone carry one! Don’t tell me this was your idea.”

“Well, no,” Alex said in acknowledgment, “it just so happens that it was Matt’s idea. And he would have had the surgery himself if he could, but that’s not his fault. That doesn’t mean he forced me to do it instead.” 

“Do you remember the day you locked yourself in the bedroom and broke down crying?” Miles sighed. He was rubbing at his forehead, appearing rather frustrated. “You only wanted to see me. You didn’t want to speak to them. You told me that they were forcing you to make a decision. You were furious with them.” 

“I think I know where you’re going with this, but you should know that I was high on hormones. I broke down because of the injections I was taking. I was, like, crazy emotional,” Alex enlightened him, though he knew it sounded like another one of his excuses. 

Miles nodded respectfully, but was unconvinced. 

“So you had already started preparing for a pregnancy you technically hadn’t agreed to yet?” He pointed out.

“Miles, you’re twisting my words here…”

“I saw you that day. Alex, you were so confused, it broke my heart. You didn’t know what you wanted at all. And you were telling me how pressured you felt. And I know how dutiful, how eager to please you can be. That’s why you spend so many hours working on your material compared to anyone else I know, trying to perfect everything. That’s why you drop everything you have when I call you late at night because I’m drunk and need someone to talk to. That’s why you – put others first and yourself second. I know you.”

“Are you implying that I’m having a baby because I can’t say no to people?” Alex knew he wanted to sound offended, but somehow, as the words came out of his mouth, he knew that Miles had a point. “I’m not – I mean, I’m doing this out of free will. Honestly.”

“If it wasn’t for that day,” Miles retorted sadly, “I would be inclined to believe you.” 

Alex fell silent. Suddenly, something shifted between the two of them. The situation felt tense. Awkward. Was Miles telling him he’d made a mistake? Was he judging him? Perhaps Alex wasn’t doing a good enough job persuading him. 

“Look, Alex, just because you’ve had this – this surgery – already, doesn’t mean that it’s too late for you to change your mind. It’s your body. Nobody else should make the decision for you. Having a baby is risky, especially when you have to change your anatomy to – to…” Miles decided not to finish that sentence. “Look, darling, it’s not like you’re pregnant. Not yet. You can still go back on this. Everything is going to be okay. The lads will understand…” 

Alex leaned in and interrupted Miles by gripping both his shoulders, forcing him to look him in the eye.

“Miles,” he whispered gently, “it’s going to happen. I’ve made up my mind.”

“But-“

“No,” Alex shushed him, “that was then. I have thought about it since. I want a baby. I do. No matter what you say, what you believe, it’s going to happen. I want it to happen.” 

Miles was baffled all over again, rendered silent. When he looked into Alex’s eyes questioningly, as if looking for assurance, Alex just nodded slowly, offering him a small smile. 

“It’s okay,” he breathed. “I’m happy about my decision. Please – don’t worry about me.” 

“You’re…” Miles swallowed a lump in his throat. “You’re going through with this? You’re having a – a baby?”

“Yes,” Alex told not only Miles, but also himself. “Yes, I am.”

“You’re – going to be…” Miles swallowed again. “A dad.” 

Alex nodded in confirmation. 

“And this is your own choice? Having a baby will make you happy?” Miles double-checked. 

“That’s right. Miles, I really-“

When Alex thought he needed to convince him further, Miles instead gasped and pulled him into his arms, squeezing him like he was a mere rag doll. It sounded like the Scouse had begun to weep again, but since he could no longer see his face, Alex couldn’t be sure. 

“Oh my God,” Miles choked finally, panting loudly as he clung to him, trembling against Alex’s body. “Oh my God, I can’t believe it,” he cried, his voice muffled as his face pressed itself into Alex’s hair. “You’re going to have a baby – you’re going to have a fucking baby!” Miles pulled back and began to shake Alex back and forth. “Alex, this is – this is HUGE! This is… Oh my God, we have to celebrate! Wait – you can’t drink. Oh, shit – now I finally know why you can’t drink,” he fussed, causing Alex to laugh. “Oh Christ! What the fuck was I thinking bringing you to a nightclub?!” He sounded outraged with himself. “You’ve just had your stomach cut open! You should be in bed! And you’re looking all tired – and Alexa was on top of you! Did she hurt you? Did she leave any bruises with her pointy knees?” 

“No,” Alex chuckled, twisting his way out of Miles’s grip. “No, I’m fine. Oh my God, Miles, you have to chill.” 

“How can I possibly chill?” Miles shouted. “You’re going to be pregnant! And I kept trying to get you to drink – and Zachery, the idiot, blew smoke in your face! Oh fuck – I need to get you out of here!” 

“What?” Alex cried. “Mi, we just got here.”

“Alex, you’re in recovery, you’re fragile. Fuck! Why did the boys let you leave the house? Don’t they realise how vulnerable you are?” 

“Okay, first of all, they don’t know I’m here. Second of all, they don’t decide what I can or cannot do…”

“Alex, look where you are! You’re sat on the cold, hard toilet floor in some sleazy, unhygienic nightclub! You can’t stay here, I need to take you home. I need to make sure you don’t catch an infection, or – I dunno, some nasty disease.” 

Before Alex could object, Miles pulled the both of them up from the floor and helped Alex to stand up against the wall. He took out his phone and called for a taxi as he was all ready to leave, however, when he gestured for them to exit the toilet, Alex stalled, instantly dreading the idea of going back out there to face the people who had just had a glimpse of something so delicate and deeply personal; a wound that was meant to remain hidden. Miles sensed his anxiety and put down the phone to look at him and cup his chin with his hand.

“Hey, look at me,” the Scouse said, “you’re beautiful. It doesn’t matter what those people think they’ve seen. You have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about.” 

Alex nodded quietly. Though appreciative, he couldn’t help but to feel nervous and exposed. 

“Can I see it again?” Miles asked him gingerly, averting his eyes to Alex’s belly. “The wound?” 

At a snail's pace, Alex lifted up his shirt compliantly. He had never had any desire to keep anything from Miles. Now that everything was out in the open, he realised how good it felt to share this with him; the surprise, the fear, the rush of emotion. 

“It’s… so big,” he whispered. This was the first time he’d confessed to someone how insecure the wound made him feel. 

Miles inspected it closely. Though the stitched-up cut looked terrifyingly huge on such a small body, there was no trail of disgust, or of anything but fascination in his eyes.

“It’s beautiful,” he praised him smilingly as he moved in to kiss Alex’s cheek. “Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” 

He managed to usher Alex quietly out of the building without getting seen. When they walked out into the street, they were grateful to learn that only a couple of photographers stood waiting. They managed to smile when their pictures were being taken, but truthfully, Alex was eager to use the taxi waiting for them as his hideout. When the doors closed and they drove off, away from the chaos, Alex slumped against Miles and drew a sigh of relief. No sooner than they’d left the street, Alex’s phone started to vibrate in his pocket. Apart from four separate messages from Jamie, asking him if he was okay, there was a message from Alexa telling him how sorry she was. She had heard from her doormen that they’d left the party and she sounded heartbroken at the idea that Alex was angry with her. ‘I don’t blame u, what happened wasn’t ur fault,’ Alex texted her back, adding multiple smileys. ‘I’m sorry I had to leave, I will explain everything to you soon. Btw, u looked fabulous tonight. XOXO’ After that, he switched off his phone.

“How bad was it?” Miles broke the silence. Alex looked up at him in surprise. “The procedure, I mean.” 

“Oh.” Alex shrugged modestly. “It wasn’t so bad. You know, I wasn’t awake for it.”

Miles smiled at him, despite maintaining his look of concern.

“Were you scared?” 

“Maybe a little bit,” Alex grinned. “But you know, I had the lads with me. I wasn’t alone.” 

“Hm. Wish I could have been there for you, too,” Miles remarked, his tone bittersweet. 

“I’m sorry,” Alex whispered. 

“I still – I still can’t believe this is really happening,” Miles uttered pensively. “You’re going to be pregnant. Actual pregnant.”

Their taxi driver gave them a curious look through the rearview mirror.

“Keep your eyes on the road, mate,” Miles snapped at him. Then he turned to Alex. “Are you sure it’s safe? You’re not… putting yourself in danger?” 

Alex smiled at his worry and took Miles’s hand, placing a kiss to his palm.

“We’ve got great doctors. I’m sure I’ll be just fine.”

“Well, in that case…” Miles inhaled sharply, blinking rapidly as his eyes began to glisten again. “I just want you to know that I’m happy for you. And I’m going to be here for you. And I love you. And if you don’t name your kid after me, I’m gonna-“

He was cut off when Alex wrapped his arms around his neck and nuzzled into him.

“I need you for this,” he heard himself muttering, almost like a prayer. “I don’t think I could go through it without you, Mi.” 

“Well, you’re not getting rid of me, love. I’m going to be here, every step of the way. Even if it means holding your hair over the toilet when the morning sickness kicks in.”

When Miles helped him out of the taxi and walked him up to the house, Alex was still snuggling into him, keeping Miles’s arm around him. Alex was searching for the keys in his pocket when the front door was opened by Jamie who’d spotted them through the windows.

“Alex!” He uttered breathily, looking terrified. “You’re home early. Did something happen?” 

Alex could barely contain his smile. He knew then that Jamie had spent all night staring at his phone, waiting for a sign that something had gone wrong, that Alex needed help, just so that he could justify his angst. 

“You’re damn right something happened,” Miles answered him while gently guiding Alex across the threshold, not wanting him to get cold. “You let your soon-to-be-pregnant boyfriend sneak off to a party with his idiot friend who, by the way, wasn’t aware of his condition when he offered him a fucking joint, brought in illegally by some hippie photographer. And now, this idiot friend of his feels incredibly stupid and incredibly guilty for not only enabling him to lie to you, but for putting him at risk when, clearly, he should be resting under a warm blanket instead of letting some lunatic, underfed 26-year-old model seduce him on the dancefloor, push him down on a table and rip his shirt off before the eyes of a hundred people. Praise yourself God damn lucky that I got to him before she soaked him in champagne and tried to go fucking down on him in public.”

Jamie’s mind was suddenly a blank canvas, completely wiped of thought. His astonishment and shock was of great amusement to Alex, who had to discretely clasp a hand over his mouth to keep himself from laughing. When, eventually, Jamie regained his speech, his voice was filled with sheer disbelief.

“What?!” He cried dramatically. “What the hell are you saying?”

Miles, too, had to pull himself together in order not to smile.

“I’m saying – take good fucking care of him, Jamie,” the Scouse responded gently this time, though he was strictly serious when he looked over at Alex. “Keep him safe. He deserves only the best, all the love and attention you guys can muster. He’s very special to a lot of people and we can’t have anything bad happening to him now, can we?” 

After Miles had told them good night and had returned to the taxi, Alex took a moment to waive him off. Perhaps he was secretly stalling and contemplating Jamie’s next move, because when he glanced over at his blond lover, Jamie looked like he was on the brink of panic. 

“I – I don’t understand anything Miles just told me,” he complained worriedly as he turned to Alex and gave him a look as though he was in need of help. 

Alex took his hand and offered him a small smirk.

“Miles was just teasing you, love,” he lied kindly, knowing well that Jamie’s nerves had suffered enough for one evening. “Everything is fine, I promise. Forget what he said. Will you take me to bed?” 

Alex leaned in to kiss the other man and after a single, delicate brush of lips, Jamie released the breath that he’d been holding, finally managing to unwind now that Alex had come back home to him in one piece. Unharmed.


	8. The Drought

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex's stitches are taken and for the first time since having the surgery, he's allowed to have sex again.
> 
> However, certain things fail to live up to his expectations... (And yes, Alex will once again need a little wisdom from Miles).

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been forever on the way. I have had to edit it so many times, for some reason I struggled to get it right this time.
> 
> For those of you still reading, I am so sorry for the delay <3 I am working so many hours at the moment, I'm literally never home anymore. I just enjoy writing this too much to take a break from the story.
> 
> As always, thank you so much for reading! xxx

When Dr Robinson clipped the thread near the knot and tugged at it carefully, Alex felt the bile rising in his throat and squeezed Nick’s hand until he nearly broke the bones in his lover’s knuckles. 

“Ow! For crying out loud, Alex, I swear I heard a crack this time!” Nick hissed, though he forced himself not to pull away. Alex’s face was grey with nausea and he knew this wasn’t exactly fun for him, either. “Will you please try to relax?”

“Relax? Ha! That’s easy for you to say, isn’t it?” Alex snapped, biting back his urge to whimper. “You’ve never had a string going through your fucking stomach, have you?” 

When he noticed the look that Dr Robinson was giving him, he regretted his language immediately.

“I’m sorry, am I pulling too hard?” The doctor asked him kindly as she paused to give him a moment to adapt. “I know that this part can be a bit uncomfortable.”

“A bit?” Alex wheezed. “This is not a bit uncomfortable, it feels awful! I hate it!”

“Is it hurting you?”

“N-no, but – it’s tugging at my skin. Like, a lot. Is there any way you can just, I don’t know, rip it out quickly? Before I’m sick in my mouth.”

“Sorry, no can do,” she told him, smiling wryly. “I can tell that your wound has been bleeding slightly, so I have to be careful.” 

She guided Alex’s head back down against the pillowed end of the examination chair and he sighed helplessly, looking up into the ceiling. 

“I’m sorry this is making you feel sick, love,” Nick told him as he coursed his fingers through his hair, hoping it would help him relax. “Forget what I said. You can squeeze my hand all you want.”

Dr Robinson glanced over at Nick and smirked fondly as she began to pull at Alex’s thread once again. 

“I’m glad to see you have someone so supportive by your side, Mr Turner,” she remarked. “After we’re done here, I can examine Mr O’Malley’s hand for fractured bones, free of charge,” she added jokingly. 

When Alex had made an appointment to have his stitches removed, he’d been told that he could only bring one person with him due to the size of the room. He had been quick to rule out Jamie, who had been too faint-hearted in the first place to even clean his wound without feeling woozy. Matt had offered to go, but had then started telling him a story about a mate of his who had been injured in a boxing match and had needed almost twenty stitches across his eyebrow. Matt had told him how he’d received a blow to his temple so powerful that his eye had nearly popped out of the socket and Alex had been so grossed out, he’d decided that Matt was a bad influence and refused to let him come. Hence, Nick’s hand was the one he now clung to for dear life as Dr Robinson finished her job unstitching him.

“Your wound has healed really nicely,” Dr Robinson soothed him when the worst part was over. “It’s great that you’ve been able to avoid infections,” she elaborated while spreading some calamine lotion across his abdomen. “So – what do you think of it? It’s a very pretty scar if I ever saw one. You’re skin hasn’t swollen at all.” 

Alex only managed to shrug.

“It’s – not as bad as I thought it would be,” he deflected, unwilling to express his dislike for the wound.

Nick placed his big hand on his shoulder, holding him slightly closer as though he knew how Alex truly felt.

“You don’t like it?” Dr Robinson prompted carefully.

Alex shrugged again, feeling embarrassed. 

“Darling, come on,” Nick intervened, “it’s not even that big. You look gorgeous as ever.” 

Nick’s words had the doctor smiling again.

“See,” she told him, “there you go. Your scar has no chance of getting in the way of your love life. Or, soon enough, your sex life for that matter.” 

Alex didn’t say anything. Instead, he quietly pulled down his shirt and sat himself upright, figuring the doctor was done looking at his stomach. 

“About that,” Nick uttered cautiously, like the subject was particularly delicate. “You told us that we had to wait for the stitches to be removed before we could engage in any… physical activities. Does this mean that Alex is ready to have sex again?” 

Dr Robinson smiled at them both.

“Mr Turner is physically ready, yes,” she affirmed, taking a moment to write down a few notes in the patient journal. “As long as he isn’t experiencing any pain, it should be safe for you to – well, try. Although I do advise that you take things slow to begin with. Now, emotionally speaking, Mr O’Malley – only Mr Turner can tell you when he’s actually feeling ready.” 

Nick rubbed at Alex’s shoulder, caressing him lightly.

“Y-yes, of course,” he agreed noddingly. “We wouldn’t do anything unless you felt ready for it, Alex. However, Dr Robinson, if I may ask – if we were to engage in any physical activities-“ 

“Oh, come on, Nick, just call it what it is,” Alex butted in, feeling oddly impatient with his sense of formality. “You can say the word ‘sex.’” 

“Fine,” Nick sighed, rubbing Alex’s shoulder a bit harder, “whatever. If we were to – have sex – in near future, I dunno, let’s say tonight-“

“Tonight?!” Alex snorted, mildly outraged. “So much for taking things slow, huh?” 

“Right, tomorrow night then, whatever,” Nick continued, giving Alex a look of annoyance, “don’t pretend you haven’t been trying to persuade us to break the rules at least once, love.” When Dr Robinson gave them both a doubtful look, Nick added: “Don’t worry, we didn’t do anything. We didn’t let him.” 

“Well, thanks a fucking lot,” Alex muttered in return, rolling his eyes at the other. “Just stop ratting me out and get to the point, will you?” 

“Yes,” Dr Robinson agreed with a small chuckle, “I’m also curious. What exactly is your question, Mr O’Malley?”

“Well,” Nick started, scratching at his neck. “I mean, if we did start to have sex right away, or almost right away – could Alex get pregnant immediately?” 

Alex found himself holding his breath, awaiting the answer.

“In theory, yes,” the doctor answered him receptively while opening the drawer by her desk, searching for the kit she needed, “Mr Turner could become pregnant as soon as you start having sex. Even without the use of fertility drugs if you’re lucky, although from what I have witnessed, abstaining from these drugs will only slow down the process. So, you see, the reality is that a pregnancy is much more likely to occur after Mr Turner has taken his injections at least five nights in a row.” 

When Dr Robinson reached into the drawer and pulled out a syringe, Alex swallowed soundlessly. He had known this was bound to come. 

“Wait,” he uttered, frowning at the length of the needle, “if I need these injections every night, who is supposed to give them to me? I don’t think I can do it myself.” 

“I’m glad you ask,” the doctor replied as she waived Nick over, who – to his credit – only hesitated for a moment before joining her. “Mr O’Malley, I’m going to show you exactly how to use this syringe. Mr Turner, would you kindly button down your trousers for us, leaving your left cheek exposed, please.” 

“My what?” Alex moped, glancing over his shoulder suspiciously. “You can’t be serious.” 

“Where else did you think I was going to prick you?” The doctor chuckled, causing the brunette to cower. “Don’t worry. I can assure you, dear, it’s perfectly safe.” 

With great reluctance, Alex gathered the nerve to stand before the female doctor and his boyfriend with his trousers yanked slightly down, just enough to expose one cheek as requested. He could feel the both of them studying him as Dr Robinson guided the syringe into Nick’s hands, put her gloves on and gently pressed a finger to Alex’s skin, marking a good spot for the needle to penetrate. While she continued to instruct Nick, Alex looked over his shoulder and glowered at him, pouting at the way that Nick was so obviously trying not to laugh. In return, he eyed Alex grinningly as though to say, ‘not to worry, your arse has seen much bigger injections than this, remember.’

Alex let out a small sigh and averted his eyes.

“How many of these injections will I be needing?” 

“Let me put it this way,” Dr Robinson’s voice sounded somewhere behind him, “when you are diagnosed with a baby, you’ll officially no longer need these.” 

Before Alex could respond to her wit, Nick jabbed the needle into his skin and his retort was immediately replaced by a lowly hissing sound. 

 

XxX

 

That night, Alex spent ages in front of the mirror in the bathroom, well aware that the lads were waiting for him on the other side of the door, eager for him to come out and play. He lifted up his t-shirt and examined his scar quietly. It was still bright red, though without the stitches, it looked a lot less macabre. He knew that the lads would never love him any less for it. He knew that people in general wouldn’t judge him for it and yet, Alex couldn’t help but to feel like a piece of meat that had been cut into. 

Behind the bathroom door, Alex could hear the lads talking. They all sounded roused. Excited. When he pressed down the handle and let himself through, everyone paused to look at him. Matt had been in the middle of lighting at least ten different candles, by the windowsill and by the dresser overlooking the bed. Jamie had been gathering some pillows and scattering rose petals in the centre of the bed and in the far corner of the room, Nick was sat by the desk, toying with the syringe that Dr Robinson had directed them to buy from the pharmacy. They caught him staring at the needle and Matt gave him a rueful look. 

“I know it’s not the most romantic way to start the night,” the ex-boxer admitted as he, too, glanced at the needle in between Nick’s fingers. “We thought we’d light some candles and dim the lights, you know, to create a nicer atmosphere.” 

“Rose petals?” Alex uttered with a small chuckle. “Really?” 

“Why not?” Matt responded winkingly. “Anything for your pleasure.”

“Would you like me to put on some music?” Jamie interjected. 

“Hm? Oh, no. No, this is fine,” Alex smiled, taking a quiet look around him. When he appeared reluctant to make the first move, Matt walked up to him and reached for his hands.

“Don’t worry, we’re going to make this one hundred percent nice for you,” he promised as he kissed Alex’s lips tenderly. “We’ll take it slow. We can’t have you straining yourself,” he added whilst placing his hand over the brunette’s stomach. 

Alex held his breath and decided to get it over with. He walked over to Nick and placed himself willingly in his lap, unbuttoning his trousers for him once again. 

“Hey – no need to rush,” Nick whispered kindly and wrapped his arm around him. “You can set the pace, darling.” 

Alex nodded, finding himself slumping against the bigger man’s shoulder.

“I know it has to be done. Just – just do it,” he requested, leaning slightly forward as to give Nick access. “It’s okay.” 

“Wait. Look at me.” When Alex looked up, Nick pulled him in and kissed him with determination, engulfing him in his arms. Only then did Alex manage to relax. He didn’t even see the needle coming. Though he felt the stab and winced at the sensation of the medicine entering his system, he only tasted Nick’s mouth and shivered at the way that he held him, touched him. “Was that so bad?” Nick whispered in his ear as they broke apart.

“No,” Alex mouthed. Suddenly, Nick stood up from the chair and took Alex with him, carrying him in his arms. “Nick?”

The bassist was walking him to the bed, putting him down gently on top of the pile of pillows that Jamie had arranged for him, covered in blood-red petals. Alex sat himself upright and made himself comfortable. Then, without wasting any more time, Jamie knelt down on the mattress, edging towards him. 

“It’s nice and warm in here. Let me help you out of these, baby,” smiled the blonde as he neared him. Jamie touched him carefully and oh so slowly. Alex found himself breathing deeply when then, Jamie lifted the shirt over his head and bared his upper body. “There you go. You’re so beautiful, love. Every inch of you is stunning. Let me see you.”

Alex’s heart raced at the compliment. He clutched at the hem of Jamie’s shirt, gesturing for him to take it off so that they could undress together, but Jamie seemed adamant to keep the focus on him. 

“This is all about you. You need to know how magnificent you are,” he insisted as he guided Alex backwards, down against the pillows, “you need to know how much I adore you, how much I admire what you’ve gone through.” 

Jamie hovered over Alex and started to kiss and nibble at his neck, his collarbone. Alex inhaled sharply and felt his body trembling delicately. It was good. He hadn’t done this in a while, but Jamie was warming him up, preparing him. Jamie’s front teeth grazed against Alex’s chest, and he keened. Jamie’s lips moved down to kiss his ribs, his navel, his scar. 

“Your skin is so soft,” moaned the blonde, “I love this spot – and this one – and this.” He paused to press a kiss to each corner of Alex’s abdomen, each freckle, each hair, each blemish. If Alex didn’t know any better, he would have thought that Jamie was trying to deliberately increase his self-esteem. “You’re so – perfect,” he finished off, “I love you so much.” 

This time, Alex pulled him down against his body, willing Jamie to put himself on top of him, letting him feel his weight, his physique. 

Jamie resisted.

“Let me feel you,” Alex pleaded, groaning, pulling him close yet again. “Mount me.” 

Jamie pulled back, removing himself from him.

“I – I don’t want to hurt you. Let’s not get carried away.” 

“Carried away? But…”

Alex paused with a frown, raising himself to his elbows. Jamie was looking down at him full of caution, making Alex feel like he was made of glass. Brittle and breakable. 

“Like I said,” Matt interrupted, moving in from behind Jamie to smoothen things out, “let’s take it slow. No one’s going to put you at risk, Alex. Just lie back and relax your body.”

Matt finished the job that Alex had initiated by unbuttoning his trousers. As he tugged them further down and peeled them off of his legs gingerly, Matt smirked, stripping him naked. 

“Jamie’s right,” he remarked then, “you’re so fookin’ gorgeous, sweetheart.” Matt lifted Alex’s left leg up in the air, planting a series of kisses to the inside of his thigh. “You do have the softest skin.”

Alex knew they were trying to put him in the mood, but if anything, their words were only managing to make his stomach churn. 

“I get that you’re all trying to make me feel good, but you don’t have to worry about me being self-conscious,” Alex uttered, retreating his leg and making Matt let go. “Can’t we just do this, I don’t know, the normal way?” 

“The normal way? What does that mean?” Nick interrogated as he, too, sat down by his side, making Alex realise that he was surrounded. 

“You know – you guys don’t have to focus all your attention on me,” the brunette elaborated as he removed some of the pillows from underneath his back. “Just – do what you would usually do. Include one another. Get undressed. Get on top of me.” 

“You want to do this missionary style?” Nick questioned, like that had been his point.

“I don’t know,” Alex sighed, “all I’m saying is, you don’t have to be so careful around me. Do what you would normally do. You can’t fuck me and be afraid to touch me at the same time.”

Matt knitted his eyebrows together, looking baffled.

“Baby, this is not just fucking,” he objected softly, reaching out to stroke Alex’s cheek. “Tonight is… special. This is different. This is – lovemaking. We have to make sure to do it right.”

“Well, lovemaking or not, don’t just gather around me like I’m part of an exhibition,” Alex mocked him. “Quit putting me on display like this.”

“But,” Jamie hesitated. “This is about you.”

“Me?” Alex repeated. “No, it’s not – this includes all of us.” 

“Maybe so,” Nick smiled at him, “but as far as I know, you’re the only one here who can get pregnant.” 

“So?” Alex challenged him. 

“So – this is about your needs, not ours. We need to take good care of you. We need to make it good for you.”

Though the situation was still feeling too restricted, too intense for his liking, Alex held his tongue and tried his hardest to simply go along with things. Lucky for him, Jamie soon moved on top of him, gently complying with his request and further managing to interrupt Alex’s train of thought by kissing him, lightly at first, then deeper as his tongue began to roam inside his mouth. Alex rested his head back against the pillows and found himself spreading his legs for him, inviting Jamie to claim his position. Jamie’s arms encircled him and held him tenderly, keeping him close and at the same time, creating a small gap between their torsos, making sure that Alex’s breaths remained unlaboured. 

“Hmm. I like where this is going,” Alex grinned into his open mouth, playing with Jamie’s bottom lip. He began to thrust his pelvis upwards, eager for physical contact. He could feel Jamie growing harder instantly. Without hesitance, Alex reached down to work the other man’s trousers open.

Jamie broke the kiss and eyed Alex rather sheepishly.

“Er – before you get too excited,” he warned him, throwing Alex off guard, “you should know that I can’t go much further than this. Not yet. I – I am not actually, you know… First in line.” 

Alex pulled away from Jamie instinctively.

“First in line?” He repeated, caught between laughing and biting at the blonde. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean-“

“No, wait – please don’t take offense,” Jamie fretted, pulling Alex back into his arms. “I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just – you know how we’ve all been dying to be with you? It seemed impossible to decide between us who should – who should…” 

“Who should go first,” Matt helped him out kindly, though it only caused Alex to shoot him a skeptical look. “I know – not the best way of putting it. I’m sorry, darling, but it’s not Jamie’s fault. We all agreed to this solution, the three of us, I mean. I guess we should have told you from the beginning.”

“And which solution is that?” Alex demanded indignantly. “I’m dying to hear the agreement that you’ve all come to without any intention of informing me.” 

“Alex,” Jamie uttered remorsefully, wanting to explain, though he was interrupted by Matt once again.

“Rock, paper, scissors,” the drummer said simply, though he didn’t look particularly proud to reveal their process of deciding. “We had to determine who goes first, second, last, somehow. We figured that whoever does go first-“

“Please don’t call it that,” Alex remarked with a small huff, but Matt didn’t rephrase his words.

“Whoever does go first,” he continued, “will probably have the biggest chance of, well, being the biological father. There was no other way that we could have settled this fair and square otherwise.”

“So, what? You played rock, paper, scissors for the baby’s future? You didn’t even think to ask me how I wanted to initiate this?” Alex knew he wasn’t as offended as he sounded. If anything, he was kind of grateful that they hadn’t asked him to choose, to put the three of them in order of preference which, of course, would have been an impossible task to manage. “Fine. Have it your way, then. So what’s it gonna be?”

Matt hesitated. Jamie gave him a silent look.

“You mean…” Jamie paused intentionally.

“I mean, who won?” Alex snapped. “Best out of three, I presume? Who won your little game?”

Both Matt and Jamie turned their heads to stare at Nick. 

“I did,” the bassist uttered calmly as he placed his hand on Alex’s shoulder, his rough fingers embracing soft skin. “Before you say anything – it had to be someone. Okay? We – we had to do something to ensure that no one feels cheated. That being said – if you have objections to any of this, I am of course willing to do whatever you think is best. I just want you to be happy with the situation, no matter what.” 

Alex was reluctant to let them get away with keeping him in the dark, but at the same time, he realised that this arrangement was challenging for all of them. And so, he simply pushed Jamie aside, gently, in order to make room for the larger man. 

“Get over here,” he whispered as softly as he could, though at the same time, he sighed at the loss of Jamie’s body on top of his as the blonde rolled over and backed away, politely awaiting his turn. “As long as I get to be with every one of you, I don’t care how it’s done.” 

Nick smiled at his words as he crossed the distance between them and inched closer until he was looming over the brunette, bowing down to peck at his lips. Alex responded by pushing himself upright, wanting to swap positions with his blue-eyed lover and crawl into Nick’s lap. 

“Take it easy,” Nick whispered, breathing heavily through the kiss, “don’t tire yourself out. I’ll make it nice for you, baby.” 

He tried. He really did. But no matter how deeply he kissed him or how tenderly he let his fingers tickle against his skin, forcing Alex to shiver in response, Nick couldn’t manage to ease him out of his impatience. Alex didn’t want to simply lie back passively. He wanted to move. He wanted to bite, to lick, to scratch and to taste; his senses longed for desire and were urging him to be selfish, greedy and fervent. He wanted to lose himself in the moment, but every time he tried to go high, Nick brought him back down and anchored him to a passionless, contained reality. 

As though the wait hadn’t been insufferable enough, Nick entered him ever so slowly, giving him more than enough time to adjust, to yearn for more. Once he realised that Nick wasn’t going to pick up the pace any time soon, Alex let out a small whimper and attempted to move his hips, to guide Nick further inside him, harder, faster, rougher. 

Nick nearly pulled out of him, raising himself to his hands, lifting his weight off of Alex’s body. 

“Alex, you’re fidgeting,” he noted, studying him with worry. “Are you okay?”

“I-I’m fine,” rasped the brunette, struggling to hide his dissatisfaction. “Just – just keep going. Don’t stop.”

“You don’t look happy. Are you sure you’re alright? Are you hurting?”

“I’m not hurting,” Alex practically growled. “Can you stop acting so concerned? I – I can barely concentrate!” 

“Do you want me to pull out?” Nick uttered anxiously, causing Alex to shake his head at him.

“No – no, just let me… Let me get on top.”

Alex was already pushing against the bigger man, scrambling free from underneath him, but Nick was quick to seize his hands and to keep him from thrashing. 

“I don’t think you should get on top,” he insisted and soon enough, he was joined by Jamie who guided a hand down to Alex’s hipbone, pressing him back down against the pillows, keeping him grounded.

“What is this?” Alex hissed with annoyance. “Are you for real right now?”

“Alex, you don’t understand. I read in a pamphlet that the most ideal position for you to be in is with your pelvis slightly elevated,” Jamie explained seriously, though Alex would have assumed this to be a joke. “Apparently we are more likely to, you know – conceive this way.” 

“Is that why I’m perched on a fucking mountain of pillows?” Alex grunted in response, deeply unhappy with all the fuss. “This is supposed to be good for me, is it?”

“Well… Yeah,” Nick uttered awkwardly, releasing the other’s hands. “What’s wrong? Don’t you like it?”

“No, I don’t fucking like it,” Alex told him dramatically as he began to tear himself free. “Get off. I – I can’t do this right now.” 

“What? Al…” Nick released a soft groan as the brunette elbowed him and seized the opportunity to wriggle free. “Wait! I’m sorry – I didn’t realise…”

“We can get rid of the pillows,” Jamie tried, but to no avail. “Alex, come on.”

Alex dodged Jamie’s attempt to touch him and dashed across the room in order to retrieve his dressing gown from the wardrobe. He suddenly hated the idea of being naked in front of them.

“Forget it,” he snarled, turning his back on them stubbornly as he threw on the gown and tied it around his waist, “I’m not in the mood anymore.”

“Not in the mood?” Matt jumped down from the bed and took a step towards him. “Wait – let’s talk about it. Sit down. Tell us how to make this better.”

“No thanks,” was all the brunette had to say. “I’m not in the mood to talk anymore.”

And with a single, fierce slamming of the door, he was out of there.

 

XxX

 

A few nights later, Alex went to Miles’s place for a movie night. This was, of course, in lieu of their traditional trips to the pub, or to one of the bars in the neighbourhood. Now that Miles knew of Alex’s surgery, and of his plans to get pregnant, he had grown particularly protective of his friend and had insisted on keeping Alex away from ‘those scenes.’ 

Fortunately, an evening in front of the telly turned out to be everything that Alex needed. The brunette had seemed jaded from the minute that he walked in the door, but Miles had naturally assumed that his fatigue stemmed from having spent too many hours in the bedroom and so, he merely laughed it off, deciding not to ask him about it. Since they hadn’t been able to decide on a film, they had ended up putting on the Sopranos. Miles had made them popcorn and as Alex sat down in the sofa, the Scouse brought him both cushions and blankets, wanting to make him as comfortable as possible. 

“Miles, you didn’t have to,” Alex told him with a humble smile, though he accepted the blanket with gratitude. 

“I need to make sure that you look after yourself, love,” the Scouse assured him grinningly, insisting on leaving the cushions with Alex as well. “I’m sure these past few days have been more than straining for you,” he added slyly, causing Alex to cock an eyebrow at him, uncertain of what he meant. “Anyway, enough about that. Now, can I get you a drink?”

“Oh, just a glass of water, I suppose,” Alex responded with a shrug. “My diet is kinda restricted at the moment.” 

“I know it is,” Miles interjected, “that’s why I made you this.” He suddenly disappeared into the kitchen, though mere seconds later, he returned with a large teapot in his hands. “Before you say anything, it’s decaf, so you should be fine. However, if you prefer a cold drink…” Miles put the teapot on the table and darted back into the kitchen. “I also got you these,” he announced as he re-appeared, carrying a six-pack. 

“Beers?” Alex eyed him curiously. “You got me beers?” 

“Alkoholfrei,” Miles beamed as he began to tear through the plastic. “Sorry, they are German, but you get the gist. And if you don’t fancy that, either, I know how to make virgin daiquiris. I’ve got frozen strawberries in me freezer.”

Alex could no longer contain his laugh. Not only could he barely believe the trouble that Miles had gone through for him, he couldn’t believe how much he cared.

“God, you’re the best,” he chuckled, waiving for Miles to join him in the sofa. “This is more than enough, thank you. I can’t believe you would go out of your way to get me all of this.” 

“I wouldn’t exactly call it going out of my way,” Miles remarked as he sat down next to him, allowing Alex to rest his head against his shoulder. “I’m sure the lads would all do the same for you.” 

“Well, they haven’t,” Alex sighed as he made himself comfortable and wrapped the blanket around them both. “They are far busier injecting me. It hurts every time I sit down.”

“Oh, Alex… How vulgar of you, darling.” 

“No, I’m serious. I’m so sick of them and their needles. I’m so sick of talking about my own hormone levels with them every night.”

“Needles?” Miles’s jaw dropped. “Wait, what…?”

“My backside is all sore,” Alex complained. “At least the injections aren’t leaving any bruises, otherwise I’d look all black and blue down there.”

“Oh.” Miles uttered, finally realising what he meant. “Oh, I see. Christ. I mean, I knew you would be sore anyway, especially now that your stitches have been taken and you are good to go,” Miles pondered, alluding to something that Alex wasn’t quite sure if he was ready to discuss with him. “But I never thought that there would be actual needles involved.”

Alex cleared his throat and changed the subject immediately.

“I want to try some of that decaf tea,” he said, forcing a smile as he reached over the table to pour himself a cup. “Maybe we should get that episode started, huh?”

They watched three episodes in a row without pausing in between. They watched as James Gandolfini fretted over the ducks in his garden, had a panic attack behind the wheel and fell out with his wife. Despite the laughter, Alex fell asleep in the middle of their fourth episode. As he was still using Miles as a human pillow, Miles pressed pause and tried to slither out from his embrace ever so cautiously, not wanting to wake him up, but desperately needing the bathroom. It was only when he returned from the loo and tried to tiptoe his way back in underneath the blanket that Alex awoke, startled. 

“Oh – I’m sorry,” the brunette uttered with a tinge of confusion in his voice, “I must have dosed off.” 

“Don’t worry about it,” Miles told him kindly. “If it was me, I would be tired, too.”

“Huh?” Alex rubbed at his eyes and looked at the Scouse. “What do you mean?”

“Aw, look at you feigning innocence,” Miles joked as he gestured for Alex to make room for him once again. “It’s alright, darling, I’m not gonna pry. All I’m saying is, if there is anything fun about planning a pregnancy, this would be the good part. You have nothing to apologise for. I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself.”

“Enjoying myself?” Alex was slow to catch on, but suddenly, he recalled that this wasn’t the first insinuation Miles had made this evening. “Oh. You mean…”

“Look, I get it,” the Scouse smirked. “You must have had a few late nights already, especially with there being three of them. I can only assume that you’re feeling exhausted. But it’s all worth it in the end, innit? I just hope the lads give you a break every now and again, so that you’re not tiring yourself out.”

Miles looked him in the eyes and Alex felt his guts churning. He had promised himself not to mention anything, not to make a big deal out of it, but suddenly, he couldn’t contain it. The truth was burning its way out of him. 

“Miles,” he started, feeling both embarrassed and annoyed with himself. “Actually, I’m – we – the lads and I – we’re not exactly having sex at the moment.”

Miles’s face fell and became instantly serious, driving Alex to almost regret his confession.

“But I thought,” Miles paused to find his words, “I thought you would start trying as soon as your stitches were taken. Is there a problem?”

Alex chuckled sadly and shook his head.

“No. I’m physically ready. It’s just… I’ve been avoiding it.” 

“You’ve changed your mind?” Miles took a hold of his hand and watched him closely.

“No,” Alex insisted earnestly, shaking his head again, “no, it’s not that. I still want to do this. It’s just… I wanted to do it right. I wanted to – enjoy it.”

“Oh.” The Scouse raised his eyebrows and the look in his eyes shifted deliberately. “O-oh,” he continued with a small frown. “Wait – I don’t think I understand.”

Alex bit his lip anxiously and shrugged his shoulders.

“We tried,” he elaborated with hesitation, “a few nights ago. They had made all these different preparations, made the bedroom nice. They had spread rose petals all over the bed, lit some candles. They had tried so hard to make me happy, to make it good for me.”

“And?” Miles prompted. 

“And…” Alex exhaled slowly. “It was the worst sex I’ve ever had. I – I couldn’t even go through with it. Everything just felt so – so tame.”

“Tame?” 

“It was – it was awkward! It was dull!” Alex lamented, running a hand through his hair. “It didn’t feel… natural. It didn’t feel real. I – I can’t explain it. They were so careful with me, I thought they were scared to touch me at first. They kept telling me that they didn’t want to hurt me, that they wanted to take it slow. And the whole time I just kept thinking… No, I can’t say.”

“What?” Miles urged him, gripping his shoulder eagerly. “Alex, it’s me. For crying out loud, what can it possibly be that I haven’t heard before? We tell each other everything.”

Alex held his breath, still reluctant.

“I – I kept thinking,” he began, swallowing a lump in his throat. “Just fuck me. Just, please, will you hurry the fuck up and fuck me already?” The brunette grew suddenly fiery as he recalled his thoughts from the other night. The disappointment and anger returned to him, and he could no longer mask his frustration. “Is that too much to ask for? To get fucked? I mean, I’ve only undergone surgery for them, haven’t I? I’ve changed my body for them, scarred myself for them. I’ve had to stay in bed for weeks. I couldn’t leave the house, couldn’t go for a walk, couldn’t shower on my own, couldn’t cook for myself. I couldn’t even have sex. I literally had to abstain from having sex, meanwhile I could hear them upstairs, fooling around with each other because they thought I wouldn’t find out.” Alex was suddenly overtaken with offense; he wrapped his arms around himself and sprung up from the sofa as he began to pace around the room, back and forth. “They should know me well enough to realise what I need from them! They’ve only known me all my life, haven’t they?” 

Miles kept his eyes on him, examining him with concern as Alex continued to pace relentlessly. 

“Did you tell them?” The Scouse asked him gently, tearing Alex out of his own thoughts. “Did you tell them what you wanted – how you wanted it?” 

“Well – how could I?” Alex cried. “They were too busy scooping pillows under my arse, telling me which positions were ideal for conceiving a baby. They wouldn’t even let me move, or make it more pleasurable for myself. The baby doesn’t even exist yet, and already they are putting my needs second…”

“Alex,” Miles interrupted him, “you need to talk to them.”

“How?” Alex snapped. “It’s all about the baby now. I feel like my body is just a baby machine to them now. Like it wasn’t me, or my body that they wanted. We weren’t even having sex – not really. We were just… procreating.” 

“So, that’s what you need to tell them,” Miles persisted.

“What?”

“Tell them what you want. Tell them what you don’t want. And what would that be?”

“I – I don’t want them to treat me any different,” Alex uttered with despair. “I don’t want us to change. I don’t – I don’t want them to be awkward around me, and treat me like I’m fragile.”

“Good,” the Scouse applauded him. “So – what do you want from them, then?”

“I want some fucking passion! I want them to put their fucking hearts into it!” The brunette cursed, clenching his fists into balls as he sped up the pace and marched around the room until it was nearly driving Miles insane. “I want them to throw me down on the mattress and make me beg. I don’t need no fucking pillows! I want them to hold me down by my wrists and just pound me until my arse goes numb-“

“Holy fuck, Al…”

“I want them to rip me out of my clothes instead of asking me if I’m comfortable! I want them to fight each other over me instead of playing rock, paper, scissors to decide who goes first. I want them to fuck me all at once instead of taking turns! I want them to want me – for me, not for the baby!” 

“You said it!” Miles cheered as he, too, jumped up from the sofa with excitement.

“I want them to ravish me! I want them to pull my hair and bite me – choke me if that’s what it takes to make them go wild-“

“Okay, I think I get the picture,” Miles interrupted him then, sensing that Alex wasn’t going to stop until his head was swamped with images that wouldn’t go away any time soon. “I think I’ve heard enough for now.”

“But – you said that we tell each other everything,” Alex remarked, turning around to face him. “Have I made you uncomfortable?” 

“No, of course not,” the Scouse soothed him as he drew Alex close to him and kissed his forehead. “Let’s just say that you ought to save some of that honesty for your boys. After all, they are the ones who need to hear your feelings out.” 

“Yeah,” Alex whispered as he slowly let go of his ire. “Thanks, Mi. I didn’t even realise how badly I needed to get this off my chest.”

“You said it yourself – after all that you’ve been through already, you’ve earned the right to a good fuck. Seriously though, do you really let them choke you?”

Alex found himself blushing, though he had already shared too much to go back on his words. 

“Sometimes – it’s actually kind of fun,” he admitted with a shrug, though Miles’s staring at him was beginning to make him feel self-conscious. “You know – just to spice things up. That’s all.”

“Jesus Christ, you really are a sub, aren’t you, love?” Miles retorted, poking fun at him as he guided them both back in front of the TV. “Hold on. So if you haven’t been busy having sex the past couple of nights, how come you’re acting all tired?”

Alex took hideout underneath the blanket and sighed. 

“I guess I’ve been acting like a bit of a drama queen,” he explained contritely. “Since they keep asking me if we can try again, I’ve been refusing to sleep in the same bed as them. So I’ve spent some pretty horrible nights on the sofa, on my own. I’ve been twisting and turning all night long, unable to sleep. And yet I’ve been too stubborn to just go back to bed and try to work things out with them.” 

“They can’t blame you for acting hormonal sometimes, or for avoiding confrontations,” Miles reminded him simply. “You’ve been taking all these injections. You’re tired. And you haven’t had sex for what, over a month? If it was me, I would lose my mind, too.” 

“I guess,” Alex smiled lightly. “You have no idea how badly I need it, though. I feel overly stimulated all the time. I swear to god, if someone as much as touches my knee by accident…”

Miles pulled away from the brunette immediately, eyeing him widely.

“Bloody hell, you think you could have warned me not to touch you before you fell asleep on me?” The Scouse exclaimed. “You haven’t been having any wet dreams on my sofa now, have you? You filthy boy.”

Alex threw a cushion in his face and stuck out his tongue in response.

“Mock me all you want. I know you’re single now, Mi, so it’s not like you’re getting laid, either.”

 

XxX 

 

The lads were still up by the time Alex made it home. He walked in on them watching a film together, all cuddled up on the sofa. Jamie was rested up against Matt, Matt’s hand stroking his blond strands of hair gently. Nick was sat on the floor, between both of Jamie’s legs, letting his hand touch at Matt’s knee absent-mindedly. When Alex walked in the door, they all tore their attention away from the screen and looked up at him.

Things were still awkward between them. Alex could sense that there were things that they were meaning to discuss with him, questions that they still wanted answered, and yet, they were scared to pressure him, to back him into a corner. 

And that was exactly why he knew that he needed to make the first move this time. 

“How was your night at Miles’s?” Jamie asked him politely, but Alex could tell that there was a hint of jealousy and rejection in his voice. Alex had been avoiding them and they didn’t even understand why. “Did you have fun?” 

“Uh, yeah,” he replied gingerly as he took a step closer and started to scratch at his neck, all fidgety. “It was nice,” he added then. “But I guess I kind of missed you guys.” 

He watched as Matt’s mouth opened, then closed. The drummer had stopped himself before he’d said anything and as a consequence, Alex wondered what he hadn’t dared to ask him.

“I was wondering…” Alex began self-consciously, approaching the sofa yet again. “Would you guys mind pausing your movie?”

Without even thinking, Nick reached for the remote and did as he had asked.

“Oh, I’m sorry. Are you going to bed? Do you need us to get off the sofa?” 

Alex shook his head at that. 

“I am going to bed, but – I don’t want to sleep down here anymore.”

Matt raised his head and stared at him expectantly. 

“You don’t?”

“No,” Alex persisted. “I – I was hoping that you would follow me upstairs. If you know what I mean.”

“You mean…?” Nick raised himself to his feet and stood before him. “Are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” 

Alex bit his lip to contain his smirk as he walked up to the bigger man and pressed his mouth against his ear. Jamie and Matt weren’t able to make out the words that the brunette was whispering, but from the sudden bulge in Nick’s trousers, they were able to guess the context. 

“As I said,” Alex announced teasingly as he took a step backwards and turned his back on them, “I’ll be going to bed. And I do hope for some company.”

He had barely made it to the bedroom before he heard their feet on the stairs, chasing after him eagerly. As the three of them barged in through the door at the same time, they found Alex stood by the bed with a sly smile, and as if on cue, he began to strip the bed clean of pillows, removing them all one by one as he threw them to the floor, discarding them stubbornly. 

“So,” Jamie uttered, slightly dumbfounded, “you didn’t like my pillow idea.”

“No,” Alex told him straight, “I did not. And that’s not the only thing,” he added as he walked over to the window and picked up the candles that Matt had bought. “These need to go as well.” He dropped them all into the bin, ignoring the look of confusion on the drummer’s face. “I want things to go back to the way they were before. Do you understand? I don’t want the obligation of romance. I don’t want the practicalities of how to conceive. I just want sex.”

Nick was first to approach him as he caught the look in Alex’s eyes and began to cross the floor, willing himself to prove to the brunette that he could meet his demands and make up for his mistakes the other night. Alex watched him with amusement. The bigger man walked up to him and pulled him close against his body, allowing Alex to feel the hardness in between his legs. 

“If that’s how you want it, love, I won’t be nearly as gentle with you this time,” Nick practically growled in the other’s ear.

Feeling confident that the brunette was responding positively to his move, Nick wrapped his fingers around his neck lightly, until his thumb was pressing against the base of Alex’s throat. He then watched Alex fluttering his eyes closed ever so delicately, inhaling deeply as though surrendering himself. Nick knew then that he was dying to kiss him. As soon as Alex’s eyes reopened, he leaned in, impossibly slowly, and moved his hand towards the smaller man’s chin, tilting his head back skillfully. 

Before his lips were able to touch the ones of his lover, a wicked smile broke out on Alex’s face, taking Nick by surprise as he was suddenly pushed back, none too gently. He stumbled backwards into the bed and fell onto the mattress rather clumsily. When Alex wasted no time to take advantage of his astonishment and swiftly climbed on top of him, Nick knew just how calculatedly he’d been played.

“Maybe this time you should take my orders and do exactly as I ask of you,” Alex teased the larger man as he straddled him with confidence and bent down to bring their faces closer to one another. He enjoyed Nick being momentarily lost for words as he seized his unresisting hands and brought one of them against the very curve of his arse, instructing Nick to touch him there, and the other one to his hair, urging him to pull at it. “I want it hard and I want it fast, do you understand? I’ve waited far too long, darling.” 

Nick couldn’t keep from chuckling as he grabbed the other’s arse firmly, after which he delivered a loud smack to it that had Alex whimpering. When, at the same time, he began to tug at the brunette’s hair and forced his head down, Alex released a small moan as he finally let himself get guided towards his lover’s lips. They kissed each other frantically and with just enough desperation to send a jolt through Alex’s body, making him want to cry with stimulation.

The drought was over. At last.

Alex practically gasped as he unzipped Nick’s trousers and let himself grind against his erection, marveling at Nick’s size, feeling more than ready to push himself down on him, to take him inside and feel himself getting stretched open. 

“Take your trousers off,” Alex demanded brashly, not wanting to waste another second. “Now!” 

Nick obeyed without hesitation. When Alex joined in and began to strip himself naked feverishly, the bassist looked up at his partner with endless adoration.

“You’re so beautiful,” he uttered like an idiot who couldn’t contain himself. “You’re practically glowing. Did you know that?”

Alex ignored the compliment and bowed down to take Nick’s nipple in between his teeth, biting him playfully.

“Just – stop talking,” the brunette grunted, his voice slightly stifled. “Fuck me already. Just fuck me.” 

When Nick thrusted into him and slipped inside using force, Alex was too far gone to notice the strong hands grasping at his hips, keeping him in place. He assumed the hands to belong to Nick, but once he was aware again, he recognised Matt’s skillful fingers and saw that the drummer had crouched down beside him, seemingly eager to participate. Alex was already bouncing in Nick’s lap, jerked back and forth by Nick’s much stronger hips, though this didn’t keep Matt from approaching him further. Alex suddenly moaned and arched his back avidly as Nick hit just the right spot and drove further into him. He let himself fall into Matt’s arms dramatically, instantly needing to be held.

Matt kissed him and Alex bit down on his bottom lip meanly, refusing to comply with his tenderness. Matt pulled back slightly, looking pleasantly surprised by his little act of defiance. Instead of letting go, he wrapped his arms around the smaller man securely and moved down to his neck, seeking out the perfect spot to sink his teeth into. Alex whined when he bit him in return, though instead of shoving him out of the way, he now clutched at Matt’s short hair, willing him to keep going.

No sooner had he started to touch himself than Jamie appeared, slithering up from behind him and moving in to replace Alex’s hand with his mouth. As soon as he felt the warmth of Jamie’s soft lips closing around him, generously offering to take him to Heaven and back, Alex choked on a sob and threw his head back, collapsing weakly against Matt’s shoulder. 

All those weeks of suffering at the loss of physical contact, of intimacy and climax, had left Alex’s stamina impaired and weakened. He could do nothing to fight his own withering endurance. He could not stop himself. He was no longer strong, but needy and desperate. 

Though the lads were only getting started, he felt himself rupture and explode, then slipping away into an unconscious, ticklish warmth. An instant bliss.


	9. This Boy's Work

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just when Alex thinks he's gotten to the easy part, it turns out that making a baby can be a lot of work...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually really enjoyed writing this chapter, but for some reason, I can never seem to keep it completely angst-free ;)
> 
> Thanks again for all the love, it's greatly appreciated (and I'm so sorry for taking ages to respond to comments, I will get around to it as soon as I can!) <3
> 
> Really, I cannot stress how much the kind words and the kudos mean to me :) THANK YOU!!

The days were beginning to blur together, making Alex feel like his every thought, his every action was crafted through a haze – a cloudy mist of carelessness, of liberation, exhilaration, of animal instinctiveness and bodily greed, of naked flesh and endless, fevered desire. His mind was numbing every time his physical needs took over. He was slowly losing all sense of time, of his surroundings – of reality. 

All he felt was a hot breathing against his neck and roaming hands covering every inch of his body, and he knew that he couldn’t possibly be anything but happy.

With his back against the mattress and his legs spread wide open, he moaned as Matt drove further into him, hitting and slapping against his slighter figure harder and harder, bruising him, making him take every inch until Matt had buried himself inside him fully, causing Alex’s insides to throb and clench around him in a moment of pure bliss. Overcome with ecstasy, Alex wrapped his legs around those strong, ruthless hips, crossing his ankles and locking Matt in, never wanting him to pull out and let go of that warmth, that rush of blood that had them both shivering ever so sweetly. 

Matt was topping him thoroughly, his hands pinning Alex’s thin wrists above his head, trapping him there until he was done with him. Alex writhed and begged, loving Matt’s dominance. As the drummer’s larger torso moved against his own, causing a friction of skin, of sweat, Alex felt the other man’s weight coming down on him, squeezing him ever so lightly, keeping him in place, making him feel protected and looked after.

“Fuck…” He hissed helplessly, curling his toes as Matt fucked into him vigorously, leaving them both breathless and desperate for more. “M-maffew…”

Matt bowed down to kiss him, shutting him up. Alex felt a hand that wasn’t his brushing the hair away from his forehead. When Matt pulled back, Alex looked up to see Nick snogging Jamie deeply, though he had moved himself closer towards Alex’s face suggestively. When Alex caught his eye, Nick smirked against Jamie’s mouth and began to move his hand further south, sweeping over Alex’s throat, playing with his jaw before finally settling for a gentle fondle of his bottom lip. 

Matt impaled him cruelly, causing Alex’s mouth to fall open in a gasp.

Nick slipped a finger in between his parted lips, taking advantage smilingly. Alex allowed him to insert a second finger and Nick began to push his way further into his mouth, aiming immediately for the back of his tongue. Alex refrained from resisting and swirled his tongue around his lover’s index and middle finger, sinfully sucking them further into his mouth.

Nick laughed and uttered something directed at Matt; Alex failed to hear what. However, he knew – by Matt’s sudden flipping him over – that he’d already been given a new task. 

Alex’s stomach grazed against the sheets as Matt mounted him from behind and pressed himself down against his spine, causing Alex’s knees to buckle. As soon as Matt started pounding him again, his arms trembled and his body went slack. The brunette hummed and mewled and as he shook with pleasure and threw his head back, he was far from surprised to feel Nick catching a hold of his cheeks with both hands, raising his head and holding him still.

Nick knelt down, trapping Alex’s face in between his thighs, and he entered the back of the brunette’s mouth in one thrust, without further preparation. Even as he choked and made a retching sound, Alex complied easily. He felt Nick shoving his length further in between his teeth and he took it, secretly craving the attention. Nick’s head was already sticky and leaking, filling his mouth with a musky taste that left Alex feeling stupefied and aroused. 

“That’s right, baby, take it. It’s all yours,” Nick purred, moving his hands to the back of Alex’s head, making sure that he wasn’t going to pull away until he was satisfied. “I love that pretty, little mouth of yours…” 

Alex would have told him to fuck off if it wasn’t for his mouth being stuffed. However, as Matt continued to fuck him into oblivion and clasp his hands against his belly in order to keep himself balanced, he surrendered to the teasing, sucking up everything they gave him ever so greedily. 

Nick pushed himself suddenly into Alex’s throat, taking the brunette by surprise. With a pitiful whimper, Alex gagged as he felt his pipe constricting and for several moments, he continued to struggle until he finally managed to breathe steadily through his nose. Nick began to run his fingers through his hair, shushing him, praising him for coping, for swallowing around his girth so skillfully. As he bowed down to press a kiss to the brunette’s forehead, he shoved his hips forward, burying Alex’s face in his pubes. 

“You do realise you’ve had your turn already, don’t you?” Jamie uttered from behind him, making Nick look back at him over his shoulder. “Not to mention, we were kind of in the middle of something.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, sweetheart,” Nick responded lightly, knowing fully well that Jamie was pouting because he’d put their snogging on pause just to conquer Alex’s mouth. “I didn’t mean to make you feel ignored. Join me, why don’t you?”

Nick and Jamie exchanged a breathy, lingering kiss before Jamie moved closer in order to take a look at Alex.

“I don’t think I’ll be able to fit in there,” Jamie remarked amusedly as he took Alex’s jaw in between his fingers and took a moment to admire his fully occupied mouth. “Nick, darling, your cock is taking up all the space.” 

Nick’s dick literally twitched with pride and Alex, who was on the receiving end of it, simply rolled his eyes at him. Now that Jamie was teasing him by slowly stroking his own length closely in front of his face, Alex grew greedy and realised that he wanted them both. In a pitiful attempt to expel Nick’s member from his mouth, Alex tried to withdraw and pull his head back, but Nick’s hands were still in his hair, stopping him from doing so. 

“Yes, baby, I can see where your eyes are focusing now,” Nick told him laughingly, referring to the way that Alex kept staring longingly at Jamie’s erection. “But trust me, we will both be able to fit. I’ve already stretched your throat a little in order to create some space.” 

As if to demonstrate, Nick thrusted into him again, triggering that choking sound from the back of Alex’s mouth that he loved so dearly. 

“Don’t worry, love, I’ll give you what you want,” Jamie whispered playfully as he pressed a kiss to Alex’s face and stroked himself harder. “I’ll make it good for you. Promise.” 

Jamie pressed the tip of his dick down to Alex’s bottom lip, but Nick’s girth soon got in the way. He tried a couple of times to shove himself in there, but kept poking Alex instead, the force of his ill-aimed thrusts making the brunette grunt in protest. In the end, Nick had to insert his index finger into Alex’s mouth and fish hook him until his lips stretched and created an opening for their blonde lover. Jamie finally managed to push in between his lips and enter Alex’s mouth and once he was in, he began to move his hips eagerly, driving himself all the way in as a way of keeping up with Nick.

Alex moaned as his jaw dropped and his throat opened in response to the additional intrusion. Nick was already so deep inside, lingering tauntingly at the very back of his mouth, where the narrowing of his throat threatened to take him deeper and restrict Alex’s breathing, and now Jamie challenged him further, not only by thrusting around wildly, making the brunette’s cheeks bulge at the tight fit, but by eventually following Nick’s direction and aiming for the throat, too. 

“Mph…” 

Alex spluttered as Jamie pushed against Nick’s member, causing Nick to sink deeper into the tightness of his throat, forcing Alex’s insides to expand and give way for them both. Suddenly, he could only manage to breathe through his nose. It took him all the effort in the world to swallow the mixture of pre-cum and spit without choking in it, whilst suppressing the imminent urge to retch and to gag. Nick gave him no time to adapt. He instantly picked up a soft rhythm and began to fuck his throat, deeper and deeper until Alex knew that he had ventured somewhere beneath his Adam’s apple. As Nick continued to move his hips relentlessly, Alex caught Jamie staring at his throat with fascination, and he knew then that the blonde was enjoying the swelling of his skin that revealed every thrust being delivered.

“Nick, you devil,” groaned the blonde, leaking helplessly into the brunette’s mouth, “always playing so bloody rough, aren’t you?”

Jamie’s words not only had Nick growing increasingly smug; Alex, too, felt his heart swelling with joy and pride as he continued to take it, completely without gagging even as Nick’s rhythms intensified. 

“He’s always enjoyed putting on a show. Haven’t you, love?” Matt looked up and winked at the bassist, causing Nick to blow him a kiss in return. Matt then moved down to press a series of kisses against the smooth skin of Alex’s back, after which he licked and nibbled his way across his shoulder, causing Alex to shiver. “And you,” the drummer chuckled, pounding the brunette’s arse with brutal force, “you just love being fucked. Don’t you, baby?”

Alex moaned pathetically, stifled by Jamie and Nick both. 

Matt reached underneath his belly, trailing his hand further down until he managed to wrap his fingers around the smaller man, and he began to fondle him intentionally, wanting to share his pleasure with him. Alex came almost immediately, letting out a desperate, grateful sob. 

“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Matt hummed, breathing heavily into the brunette’s ear as he impaled him one final time. “You’re so gorgeous when you cum. Oh god, I’m gonna – gonna…”

Alex groaned loudly as Matt went balls-deep and stilled himself inside him, rocking his hips forward without pulling out as he shot his load into him. After that, the drummer stayed inside him, careful not to let his spurts spill and go to waste. With a small cry, Matt captured Alex’s slim hips and held onto him using every ounce of his strength. 

“Fuck,” Jamie hissed, pulling suddenly out of Alex’s mouth, “you guys are driving me over the edge too soon. I was saving my load for when I’m in between those perky little arse cheeks of yours,” he remarked, cupping Alex’s chin even as it was starting to drip with pre-cum.

“I admire your self-control, darling,” Nick huffed without releasing the insides of the brunette’s throat for a moment. “I – I can’t. I’m too close… I’m already…”

Nick yanked harshly at Alex’s hair and forced his face to align with his crotch once again as he buried himself to the hilt, stuffing Alex’s mouth mercilessly. Alex’s throat bulged repeatedly as Nick began to drive himself in and out of him obsessively and possessively. He heard the brunette producing a gulping sound as he struggled to swallow around him each time, but Nick had become unstoppable. He roared as he climaxed, both of his palms clasping at Alex’s sweaty cheeks, supporting his head as he appeared to have fallen temporarily limp and slack with exhaustion. This, however, didn’t keep the brunette from finishing the job and sucking up every drop of his lover’s ejaculation, forcing it down his throat while continuing to make room for Nick’s throbbing member. 

“Oh Christ! That was – that was…”

Nick was lost for words. He let himself fall backwards down against the mattress, feeling utterly and completely spent. Alex began to cough as soon as Nick detached himself, freeing up his airways, but leaving his entire mouth feeling tingly and sore. And yet, the second that Matt, too, had pulled out of him, he couldn’t keep from crawling back to the dark-haired man who had now flopped down by his side. Alex knelt down next to him and began to lick the bassist clean, perfecting the job that had already left Nick breathless with satisfaction. 

“You… are… amazing,” he praised the brunette honestly, running his hand through his hair, caressing Alex’s scalp lovingly. “I can’t believe you. You must feel wrecked by now.”

“Wrecked is good,” Alex countered with a sly smile, after which he took Nick into his mouth one last time just to clean him up. “I love it when my daddies wreck me.” 

“Oh my God, stop being such a tease,” Jamie gasped from behind him, reminding everyone of the fact that he had yet to cum. “You’re killing me here.” 

“Aw, I’m sorry, Daddy,” Alex grinned sinfully, his voice all rough and used from Nick’s special treatment. “You look like you’re bursting. We should do something about that.” 

Alex kept looking into Jamie’s eyes mischievously as he wiped the remains of Nick’s juices off his bottom lip and lapped it all up with his tongue. Jamie squirmed instantly, holding a hand over his aching cock as if trying to prevent himself from orgasming prematurely. 

“Now, sweetness,” Matt interfered, laughing warmly at Alex’s playfulness, “that’s hardly going to get you pregnant, you know.” 

“What do you know?” Alex shrugged, pressing a hand down to his flat stomach, just above his scar. “It’s all going right in here.”

“You’re gross,” Jamie chuckled, acting like he’d never sucked a cock in his life.

Alex approached him like a feline, seductively elegant as he readied himself to pounce on his prey. 

“And?” 

“And I love you for it. Come here.” 

Jamie took Alex into his arms and directed him onto his lap, making sure that they were face to face as he surged forward and pressed their mouths together eagerly. Impatient as ever, Alex took Jamie into his hands and guided his length against his arse, getting ready to lower himself onto him, to take him inside. Jamie deepened the kiss and moaned into the brunette’s mouth as he felt a pulsation running through his dick, making everything feel deliciously urgent. 

“You’ve waited long enough,” Alex sighed against Jamie’s tinkling lips, wrapping his arms around his neck. “Breed me. I want you to breed me, Daddy.” 

Jamie let Alex’s worn-out body rest closely up against his chest. Then he wrapped his arms around his back and entered him swiftly, initiating the fuck that would eventually leave the brunette feeling too wobbly and enervated to stand on his own two feet for the rest of the afternoon.

 

XxX

 

Alex was vaguely aware that he was being carried off the bed and picked up like a ragdoll; head rolling back, his body lifeless and compliant. 

“Al? Are you with me?” The brunette recognised Jamie’s voice and smiled silently to himself. “Wake up, darling.” 

“Where are you taking me?” Alex uttered sleepily, curling up his body until his head rested safely into the nape of Jamie’s neck. “I want to stay in bed with you guys…”

“You felt cold, so I’m helping you to a warm bath. Besides, you were falling asleep. You obviously need a break.”

“I was not falling asleep!” Alex protested stubbornly. “I’m fine. I’m ready to go, again and again…”

“Love, we’ve been going at you for hours. Days, actually. We need to look after you, remember. Your body needs to relax when it all gets too much. Doctor’s orders.” 

Alex was soon submerged into hot, soapy water. Every ache, every soreness in his body was immediately relieved as he leaned back against the tub and closed his eyes. Jamie remained in the room with him. He continued to talk and to fuss over him, but Alex didn’t hear him. It was only as he drifted off, sliding further under the surface, that Jamie finally gripped his arm and pulled him back up, causing Alex to snap back into reality.

“Did your mum ever tell you never to fall asleep in the bathtub? Christ, Alex, you could have drowned if I wasn’t here.”

The brunette wiped the soapy foam off of his drenched face and looked up at the blonde sheepishly. 

“Huh. Guess I’m worse than I realised.” 

Jamie frowned with disdain, though he took a seat on the brink of the bathtub and picked up the sponge.

“Here. Let me soap you in,” he offered, soaking the sponge into the hot water. “We’re here to take care of you, you know. You can rely on us when you feel worn out. You just have to tell us when you’ve reached your limits. Don’t push yourself too hard, Alex.”

“Well – how do I know when I’ve pushed myself too hard?” The brunette responded innocently. “I’ve enjoyed everything so far.”

“When you fall asleep in the bathtub and slip under the water without waking up, you’ve definitely pushed yourself too hard.” Jamie told him bluntly. He began to run the sponge down Alex’s arms before rubbing his shoulders, too. “But it’s not your fault – it’s ours, for being greedy with you. I knew you should have had a rest hours ago.”

“Jamie, you really do worry too much.” Alex grinned as the blonde moved behind him to wash his back. “I was on my hands and knees, asking you to fuck me. What were you going to do? Say no?” He chuckled lightly. “Yeah, right.” 

Jamie grimaced once again.

“Once you’re pregnant, baby, you can’t keep straining yourself like this. You will have to learn to slow down and look after your body.” 

“Once I’m pregnant, I’m going to continue doing whatever makes me feel good,” Alex retorted with determination. “People don’t put their lives on pause for nine months just because they’re having a baby.” 

“Maybe not, but they do make an effort to stay healthy and follow the doctor’s advice.”

“Wait – what is that supposed to mean?” 

“Come on, Alex, you know what I mean. You haven’t been eating like Dr Robinson told you to. You haven’t gained any weight for the past couple of weeks.” 

“I’ll eat for two when I’m pregnant. Can’t I just enjoy my figure before I get all big and bloated?” Alex joked without thinking about it too seriously. “Besides, skinny people get pregnant all the time. Stop looking for problems, Jamie. It’s not like I’m starving myself.” 

“Maybe not. But you’re still sleep-deprived. And don’t tell me that you’ll sleep for two when you’re pregnant, because it just doesn’t work that way.”

“Fine,” Alex humoured him with a light-hearted giggle, “I’ll go to bed once I’ve washed my hair.”

“To sleep,” Jamie added insistently, eyeing Alex knowingly. “You’ll be going to bed to sleep.” 

“Yes, Mum.”

“That’s not funny.”

“So I can call you Daddy when you fuck me, but not Mum when you’re scolding me?”

Jamie suppressed a sigh and kept rubbing the sponge against Alex’s backside. 

“You can make fun all you want. I’m just worried you’re treating this as a short-term process. Getting pregnant can take months, years, even. And you can’t keep tiring yourself out like you do – not for long.” 

Alex was busy blowing at the soapy bubbles. Once again, he failed to listen.

 

XxX

 

Nick found him eating his cereal hunched over the kitchen sink one morning and decided to surprise him. Without making any noise to give himself away, he snuck up on the brunette and wrapped his arm around his waist from behind, gently lifting him up from the floor and giving him a quick spin, causing Alex to squeal.

“Put me down, baby,” Alex demanded, evidently amused, “I’m going to spill the entire thing down meself.” 

“I’ll take that,” Nick responded, stealing the cereal bowl out of Alex’s hands while keeping his arm around him, “see? It’s on the table now. You’re fine.”

Nick allowed Alex’s feet to touch the ground once again as he paused to wrap him up in a tight embrace. The brunette wrapped his arms around his neck and kissed him eagerly, causing Nick to purr.

“Mm – milky,” uttered the bassist and broke the kiss to lick at his upper lip. 

“Well, what did you expect?” Alex teased him as he moved his hands down Nick’s back slowly, pinching his arse playfully. 

“More,” Nick groaned simply in response, lurching forward to steal another kiss.

While they were tonguing and rubbing against one another, Alex’s phone vibrated in his pocket. Feeling frisky, Nick reached into his trousers, grabbing a feel.

“I’ll take that,” Alex stopped him, seizing the phone before Nick could get to it. “What did you think it was?” 

“I dunno,” Nick murmured with a shrug, grinning cheekily. “Summat kinky, perhaps? That was quite a vibration.”

“Yeah, you wish,” Alex retorted, opening his phone to check his messages. Just as he did, another one came in, both from Alexa. He skimmed through the first message quickly.

‘Sooo… I really expected to hear from u since the ‘incident.’ U know what I mean. You still owe me an explanation.’

Then the second one: 

‘Can we talk? Just let me know that you’re OK xxx’

“Is that from Kane?” Nick interfered, trying to sneak a peek at his screen, though Alex pulled the phone closer to himself. “Tell him we’re busy.” 

“It’s not from Miles,” Alex told him simply, biting his lip as Alexa began to write him a new message. “Hold on.”

The phone vibrated once again.

‘Is now a good time? Can I call u?’

“Three notifications in a row,” Nick remarked. “Sounds urgent. Who is it?” 

“Uh – it’s Alexa,” Alex uttered awkwardly.

“Chung?”

“Yeah. Sounds like she wants to talk.”

“Come on, baby, does that have to be right now?” Nick pouted, advancing him once more in order to kiss his tender neck and make him swoon. 

“It – it probably won’t take long,” Alex sighed, fighting the urge to submit to Nick’s warm lips ravishing his skin. “I – I really should get back to her…”

“Would this have anything to do with that party of hers that you and Miles went to without telling us?”

Alex suddenly pushed away from the larger man.

“What?!” He exclaimed. “You knew about the party?” 

“Of course I knew about the party,” Nick smirked, chuckling at the look of outrage on the other’s face. “Relax. I never said anything to Jamie, or Matthew for that matter. I know they would have given you a hard time unnecessarily.” 

“So – you’re not mad that I lied?” Alex cocked an eyebrow, studying Nick’s smile with amazement. “How did you even find out?”

“Darling, when Alexa Chung throws a party and the half of London is invited, there are going to be pictures. Lots of pictures. If anything, I’m kinda amazed that Jamie and Matt failed to notice. And no, of course I’m not mad. I mean, you were fine in the end, weren’t you? You were with Miles, so you had someone to look after you. And it’s not like you went out to get shitfaced.”

“No, I promise you, I didn’t drink. I would never be that reckless,” Alex swore seriously, causing Nick to laugh at him even harder.

“Hey, it’s okay, I’m not cross examining you. I think Jamie can be overly protective of you sometimes. You should be free to have your fun, especially after going through such a rough surgery. Come here.” Nick brought him close once again, kissing Alex’s face lovingly.

“Thanks, baby. I promise I won’t make a habit of lying to you, though. It was a one-time thing. I just didn’t want you guys to worry.”

“Oh, I know. I get it,” Nick soothed him, kissing his lips softly. “Now, seeing as I kept your secret all this time…” Nick’s hands went down to Alex’s waist and he lifted the younger man up in order to perch him on the kitchen counter, raising him higher above himself. He then continued to spread Alex’s legs open, wrapping them around his hips securely. “I’ve earned myself a little treat, haven’t I?”

Nick’s palms were pressing into Alex’s back, urging their bodies closer. Slowly, Alex’s arms found their way around Nick’s neck all over again and he was eventually drawn in by the sound of the other man’s panting. 

“But…” Alex hesitated, even as he pecked at Nick’s lips, unable to help himself. “Alexa…”

“But,” Nick countered, “me so horny…”

Nick began to drive his pelvis into him, dry-humping him through his clothes, and Alex felt his body shuddering with temptation as he was rocked back and forth by the bigger man’s hips.

Then, in a blink of an eye, his phone was ringing. Alexa had lost patience with him, it seemed. 

“Ignore it,” Nick begged him, breathing hotly into Alex’s mouth. 

“N-no,” Alex said with a shake of his head, “hold on. I’ll ask her to call me back in five minutes.”

“Make it ten,” Nick demanded, though he finally released him.

Alex jumped down from the counter and turned his back on his lover.

“Hello? Alexa?” His voice was breathy and he spoke in a rushed tone. The moment that he’d picked up the phone, he could hear her huffing on the other end, obviously unhappy with his lack of response. 

“So you are alive,” he heard her muttering, though knowing her, she was feigning offense more than anything. “Had you continued to ignore me like that, I would have been forced to make my way over.” 

“What? Oh no, everything’s fine – I’m great,” the brunette assured her with a nervous laugh, feeling immensely guilty for his neglect. “Really, there’s no need for you to worry about me. I’m really sorry. I would have gotten back to you sooner if I hadn’t been so busy-“

“Busy ignoring me, you mean,” she interrupted him, though this time, he could hear a small chuckle in her voice. She wasn’t angry, after all. “Look, darling, you can be busy all you want. I know you’ve got three lads craving your attention at home. But the truth is, seeing you with that huge wound on your stomach – well, it scared the living shit out of me! And I don’t even know why you have a wound because you haven’t told me what’s going on with you. And also – I really need to apologise for what I did. I was terrified that I had hurt you. I had no right to push you down on the table the way I did, I guess I was just way too drunk…” 

“Uh-huh,” Alex replied absent-mindedly, tensing as Nick came up from behind him and began to suck at his neck unashamedly. “Actually, Alexa – right now is not a good time. I’m really sorry, but can I call you back later?” 

Alex held his breath and stifled a small sigh as Nick ran his tongue across his skin, all the way up his jawline. 

“Are you kidding me right now?” The model snapped at him, laughing disbelievingly. “I’ve tried repeatedly to get a hold of you. I’ve been worried sick that you were ill since you never explained your stomach wound to me. What can possibly be so important that you can’t take a moment to calm my nerves?”

“N-no, it’s not that,” Alex uttered with a small hiss. “I know I owe you an explanation. I know I’ve kept you in the dark. It’s just not-“

“Not what?”

“It’s not – convenient – right now. I’ve got so much,” Alex paused, biting his lip hard as Nick reached a hand into his underwear, cupping him, “so much – to take care of.” 

“Wait. Is someone there with you?” Alexa asked him cuttingly. “I heard – I heard groaning. Alex, what the fuck…” 

“I – I really gotta go,” Alex said, letting out a small grunt as Nick unbuttoned his jeans and began to pull them down. “But I promise you – I’m doing great. Please – don’t worry about me…” 

“You can’t be serious,” Alexa cut him off, sounding scandalised. “Alex, what’s going on?” 

“I will call you back – as soon as I can…” Alex inhaled sharply as Nick pressed his erection against his entrance tauntingly. “Then – I will tell you everything.”

“Wait! Are you sure you’re okay? You sound… out of breath.” 

“Mm-hm.” Alex bit back a sob as Nick pushed him up against the counter and penetrated him hard. “I’m just – busy – doing lots of different jobs today. Like I said – I’m feeling great.”

“Yeah, I bet you are.”

“Huh?” Nick reached in between his legs and stroked him wickedly, driving Alex over the edge, causing him to whimper. 

“Tell O’Malley I said hi.” 

She’d hung up on him. Alex put down his phone and glanced over his shoulder to scowl at his lover.

“That – was a bastard move,” he wheezed, wincing at the way that his ribs were crushed against the sharp edge of the counter. “She knew.”

“Oh come on,” Nick snorted, fucking into him incessantly, “she did not! She thinks you’re a saint.”

“She knew!” Alex persisted, letting his fingernails dig into his palms as he arched his back and moaned powerlessly. “God, you’re possessive sometimes.”

“So what was that conversation about, anyway?” 

The brunette turned his head around to look into Nick’s quizzing eyes, though he didn’t have the strength to tell him the full story. 

“It doesn’t matter,” he answered him throatily, reaching his hand around to the back of Nick’s head in order to bring their mouths together one more time, “just fuck me. I’ve been desperate to cum all morning.” 

“You do realise that you had sex like, what – ten, maybe twelve times yesterday?” 

“I don’t care,” Alex maintained, shutting him up, “I still need it. Need it like the air I breathe.” 

 

XxX

 

Some Tuesday afternoon (he could barely keep track of the days), Alex had taken his injections and had continued to let Matthew undress him and take him to bed. Half an hour later, the two of them laid down side by side in a mingle of limbs and of sweat, breathing heavily as they held each other close and listened to each other’s quickened heartbeats. 

“That was amazing,” Matt had whispered as he’d moved on top of the brunette as part of the aftermath of their lovemaking. “I mean – not just the sex, but – everything about it. I feel so close to you. So connected. I love watching you smile like that. I can’t remember the last time you seemed so… happy.” 

The drummer had bowed down to kiss him and Alex had giggled contentedly, pushing him aside.

“Why wouldn’t I be happy? I am literally surrounded by love and affection. You and the lads are here for me all the time. This is all I’ve ever needed,” the brunette confessed honestly. 

“I don’t want you to think that this is going to stop, or change, once you’re pregnant,” Matt remarked then. “I always want to be this close to you. I always want to make you this happy.”

Matt had begun to cover Alex’s body in soft kisses, from top to toe. Eventually, he lingered by his middle section and kept his eyes there. He wasn’t focusing on the scar or anything in particular – just his flat, unchanged stomach. He wrapped his arms around him and went down to kiss the very centre of his belly, making Alex feel all ticklish and squirmy.

Matt rested his head against his abdomen. With an ear pressed down against Alex’s navel, he remained in this position, looking like he was cherishing the very idea of something growing and slowly coming to life down there; somewhere beneath those protruding ribs, beneath that pale skin.

Alex smiled faintly and ran his hand gently through Matt’s hair.

“There’s – there’s nothing in there yet,” he uttered quietly, feeling suddenly disheartened by his own statement.

Matt raised his head and looked up at him.

“You don’t know that,” he responded easily, unconcerned. “I mean – we can’t actually be sure, can we?”

His words had Alex thinking, pondering almost restlessly. 

“I guess we can’t know for sure,” he decided finally, with an ounce of hope. Of pure wish.

Matt took his hand and pressed another kiss down to his tummy.

“Perhaps it’s time that you took a test, sweetheart,” he suggested expectantly. “Something could have happened without you noticing any change.”

That very same night, Jamie returned from the chemist with a pregnancy test and another prescription of Alex’s fertility drugs – just in case, the blonde had explained to them levelheadedly, sensible as ever. It was of course best to be prepared for both possible scenarios. The lads gathered in the upstairs bedroom, though once the pregnancy test was removed from its packaging, Alex insisted on going to the bathroom without them. It wasn’t the idea of peeing on a stick in front of his lovers that put him off, though. It was something about the anticipation – the wordless, aggravating wait; a moment which seemed to stretch and drag on for all eternity, leaving Alex unbearably anxious. It was the way that the lads sat down next to each other on the bed, holding hands without talking. It was the way that Matt had his fingers crossed. The way that Nick kept smiling up at him reassuringly as though he believed – really believed – that their time had come.

Alex felt the weight of a bowling bowl inside his stomach as he endured the ten-minute wait on his own and finally looked down to see the singular stripe appearing for the control line, signifying a negative result. He almost couldn’t believe it at first. He didn’t feel certain that he hadn’t messed up the test somehow, despite the fact that peeing on the stick had pretty much been his only instruction. And yet, there it was. The result was right in front of him, clear as day. Not pregnant. All his hard work remained fruitless thus far.

He exited through the bathroom door and felt his gut clenching at the sight of his boys remaining right where he left them, tense and quiet as they awaited his response. 

“I, uh – I only see one stripe,” he managed in a strained, gravelly voice while trying his hardest not to give away the burden of his disappointment. “It’s negative.” 

He couldn’t even look any of them in the eyes as he’d said it. The atmosphere shifted and the room grew even more silent than before. It even took Matt several moments before he mustered all the effort that it took for him to stand up from the bed and walk up to him.

“That’s okay, love – I mean, we’ll just have to try again,” he uttered slowly, managing to actually sound like he meant it. Alex had no clue how he was able to mask the regret, the inevitable sense of failure, but in that moment, he was grateful for Matt possessing the strength that he lacked. “Look at me, baby. Are you okay?” 

Alex forced himself to nod, but the truth was that he was shocked beyond words. He hadn’t expected to feel this way. He hadn’t expected the surprise of an unsuccessful result. He hadn’t expected to bear a heavy heart and to fight back the tears when the past few weeks had been nothing short of wonderful. Blissful, even. 

“Hey, we’re gonna be fine,” Nick joined in, sprinting towards Alex and Matt in order to wrap his arms around them both. “This doesn’t have to mean anything. It’s early days, anyway.” 

“So – this is not something we should be worried about?” Alex hated the sudden tremble in his voice. “Jamie, what did the brochures say? Is it normal to fail the first test?”

“Alex, you didn’t fail the test,” uttered the blonde with a hint of concern. “That’s not how this works. A negative result doesn’t reflect badly on you. You’re just – not pregnant yet, is all. It’s not your fault, it’s just – biology. Even a lot of women struggle to get pregnant within the first few months of trying.” Jamie had been holding the packaging in his hands as he’d busied himself reading the information on the backside of the box, but now he put it away and moved towards the lads. “It was probably a bit too optimistic for us to take a test this soon. Like you said, it’s still early days.” 

Jamie pressed a kiss to Alex’s forehead, but the brunette remained frozen. 

“Yeah,” Nick continued, observing Alex’s faltering smile nervously, “this doesn’t mean that we’re gonna have problems getting pregnant. Don’t read too much into this, love.” 

“Right. Yeah, you’re right.” Alex heard the words leaving his mouth, but he knew he didn’t believe them. “I should – I should probably bin this thing, I guess,” he added, referring to the negative test in between his fingers.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” Matt brushed the hair out of his face gently and let his hand linger by Alex’s shoulder. He observed him worriedly, but Alex didn’t have the energy to open up to him or to even talk about his inner conflict.

“Yeah,” he whispered simply, turning his back on them all, “I guess I just need to be alone for a minute.” 

That was the first night in several weeks that he would go to bed without initiating something between the lads and himself, without feeling any desire to make love or to pursue those moments of passion, and of hunger, that he’d grown so attached to, so used to. Instead, a dreamless sleep awaited him and for once, Alex was grateful for the peace and the calm; for the lack of thoughts and especially for the lack of joyful fantasies about the road lying ahead of him – for he realised now that it was after all glaringly unknown.

 

XxX

 

Alex began to do things differently in the days to come. He stopped complaining about his injections, about the discomfort of them, about the feelings of humiliation every time he had to bend over and lower his trousers. He no longer skipped any of his meals, but tried to eat as regularly and as balanced as he could. Though he didn’t feel like he was gaining any weight, the idea of making an actual effort to be healthy, to look after himself, was enough to give him hope and offer him reassurance that he wasn’t breaking the rules – that he wasn’t screwing things up purposefully. 

He began to feel increasingly restricted during sex. He no longer let himself go wild. He no longer got carried away, but instead, he focused on simply getting the job done. It wasn’t like he had stopped taking pleasure from it. He just couldn’t afford another hit-and-miss. He couldn’t afford to be sloppy. From now on, whenever Matt, Nick, or Jamie, had finished inside him, he would ask them not to pull out until he was confident that enough time had passed, that his body had been allowed a moment to catch up, to receive and process what was given to him time and again. He even brought back the idea of scooping a pillow under his arse and keeping his legs elevated during and after sex. It wasn’t always as comfortable as it sounded, but if Jamie claimed it to be efficient, he wasn’t going to disregard the idea. 

“You don’t seem to enjoy yourself as much as before,” Matt remarked sadly while they were in bed together, just the two of them. “You used to have so much fun doing this. Are you sure that this is still what you want?”

“Of course it is,” Alex told him shruggingly, though he knew perfectly well how differently he was behaving these days. “I guess I’m just trying to take it more seriously than I did before.” 

“Is this about the pregnancy test?” Matt scrutinized him. “Love, I told you – everything is fine. We’re going to get pregnant sooner or later.” 

“Yeah, right,” Alex huffed, turning his face away from him. “Easy for you to say when it’s not your job to get knocked up.” 

“I’m sorry?” 

“Look, all I’m saying is – let me do my job my way. And forgive me if I’m not smiling every time you stick your cock in me. It gets really boring over time.” 

Alex had no idea why he acted so petty. He wanted to blame it on the hormones, on his mood-swings, but he knew that there were other underlying reasons for his sullenness. He was beginning to doubt himself again. He was beginning to feel pressured. Agitated. He wasn’t dealing with the stress very well. He didn’t know how to relieve himself and deep down, he didn’t wish to, either. 

This was his task. His burden to bear. And he wasn’t going to rest until he’d accomplished the impossible. He hadn’t gone through all this trouble just to learn that his body had failed to conceive. 

 

XxX 

 

Perhaps it was the fact that he had left the house without telling the lads where he was going. Perhaps it was the idea of venturing into the city on his own for the first time since his surgery that had left him overly nervous, but suddenly, as he turned around the corner and continued down the high-street, he thought that he could hear footstep catching up with him from behind. Alex felt a lump in his throat and knew instantly that he was seconds away from panicking. All he wanted was to be left alone. 

“Alex? Alexander Turner!”

He felt a hand on his shoulder, forcing him to stop. Hesitant to turn around, he failed to distinguish the female voice that appeared to know his name. He was in no mood to be recognised in public. He still felt overwhelmed and vulnerable. The last thing he wanted was for some stranger to photograph him while he was feeling down, only to share his picture online with a condescending hashtag about how pale he looked, or how jumpy and awkward his reaction had been. He was all but ready to confront the inevitable humiliation as the woman behind him tugged at his collar and made him face her.

“Alexander Turner,” she uttered accusingly, glaring at him madly once his eyes met hers, “I cannot believe you! Congratulations for managing to ignore me for yet another four weeks and for somehow managing to have your phone switched off every time I’ve attempted to call you, but let me make something clear, love – I refuse to be ignored by you when we walk past each other in the street!”

Alex was mildly shocked to find that the hand on his shoulder belonged to Alexa, who – in all honesty – had all the right in the world to be furious with him. And yet, for some reason, it didn’t even occur to him to apologise, or to properly greet her. Instead, he responded pathetically:

“I – I didn’t see you. Did I – did I actually walk past you without stopping?”

Alexa observed him as though he’d lost his mind, though she finally eased her hold on him.

“Jesus – I know you’ve always been a bit absorbed in your own thoughts, darling, but this is something else. I waved at you from across the street, but you went in the opposite direction as though actively avoiding me,” she uttered, huffing at him, making him look down at his feet sheepishly. “Alex, what’s going on with you? You look like you’re sleep walking. You don’t even seem yourself. Just – talk to me. Are you okay?”

“I’m – I’m fine,” he muttered, though the tremor in his voice was enough to give him away. “I’m – I’m… It’s complicated. I’m sorry, I – I don’t even know where to begin.” 

Suddenly, Alexa’s hand moved up to cup his cheek. Her eyes were no longer condemning, but understanding. 

“Listen, I have to confess something,” she began. Alex was surprised to find himself taking comfort in her touch and in her change of tone. Slowly, he found himself relaxing, breathing steadily. Her fingers brushed against his skin lightly. “I was really worried about you after I – ahem – accidentally straddled you that night. I didn’t know about your wound, of course, but I still shouldn’t have been so careless. I could have injured you without even knowing. Anyway. You weren’t answering my calls and I was desperate to know what had happened to you. I only managed to get a hold of you that morning when I caught you and Nick…” She paused to pull a face. “Anyway. I ran out of options. So – well… I decided to call Miles.” 

Alex nodded acceptingly. There was no way that he could blame her for taking action and for seeking the explanation that he owed her elsewhere. Similarly, he couldn’t blame Miles for telling her the truth, either. In fact, by doing so, Alex felt like the Scouse had truly done him a huge favour. Taken a weight off his shoulders and probably hers, too.

“H-how much do you know?” He asked her quietly, placing his hand on top of hers.

Alexa looked into his eyes softly and offered him an apologetic smile.

“Miles told me everything.” She fell silent for a moment. A frown fell upon her face as if she was suddenly worried that she had overstepped the line by going behind his back. “I’m really sorry if you didn’t want me to find out. I realise that this is personal and, really, none of my business, but… I care about you. And I couldn’t stand not knowing – you were acting so strange, I – I knew something was up…“

“Alexa, no – wait, I’m glad that you found out. Okay? I’m glad that you know. I’m just – I’m sorry I couldn’t have told you myself. I really shouldn’t have kept you in the dark. I just didn’t feel… ready.”

“Ready?”

“To talk about it,” Alex elaborated with embarrassment. Alexa instantly wrapped her arms around him and pulled him in for a hug, but Alex felt himself welling up. He struggled even harder to let the words out. “It’s been – it’s been such a challenge recently, and I… I’m starting to worry that maybe I’ve failed.”

“Failed?” Alexa studied him carefully. Alex’s eyes were slowly brimming with tears. He wasn’t even trying to hide it from her anymore. “Why on earth would you have failed, darling?” 

“Because – because I’m not…”

“Pregnant?” She had lowered her voice tactfully, in case people around them were trying to eavesdrop on their conversation. 

Alex wanted to flinch at the word, but managed to force a smile instead. 

“I’m…” He paused to clear his throat. “I’m taking a lot of pregnancy tests at the moment. The lads told me to give it some time, but – I can’t help it. The tests… they’re – they’re all coming back negative. That’s where I was headed just now. To the pharmacy.”

“To buy yourself another test?” Alexa cocked an eyebrow at that. “Are you sure this is something you should be doing on your own?”

Alex stopped to think for a second. Maybe it wasn’t. 

 

XxX

 

“Next!”

A middle-aged woman smiled as Alex and Alexa approached the till together. They both felt like awkward teenagers who had come to the shop with the intention of buying something deeply embarrassing that they, in the end, wouldn’t have the guts to ask for anyway, like condoms or even worse, a lubricant like the one Matthew had come to insist that they bought from time to time because he liked the way that it tasted of vanilla. Though Alex should feel more comfortable buying a pregnancy test, seeing as he was practically used to it by now, he still had that same old thought creeping at the back of his mind, warning him not to raise awareness of his condition in public, not to give himself away. 

Pregnancy tests weren’t for young boys like himself. Not unless they were buying them for their girlfriends. 

Apparently, Alexa seemed to pick up on his reluctance. 

“What can I help you with?”

“We’ll be needing one pregnancy test, please,” she told the lady behind the counter politely, surprising Alex by taking a hold of his hand in order to play the part. When he gave her a look of astonishment, she winked at him smilingly. She had always joked that the two of them would make a nice couple. “We don’t need to compare prices. We’re just looking for the highest level of accuracy we can get.” 

Alex was amazed beyond words. She made it seem so easy. She made it feel like this was the most natural thing in the world. No big deal. 

The lady offered them both a bright smile as if she was rather pleased by what she saw. 

“Oh, of course – I hear you, hun, you want a test that’s reliable over cheap.” She disappeared around the back quickly, looking like she knew exactly which one to go for. “Did you say one was enough?” 

“I don’t know,” Alexa replied, looking over at Alex without breaking character, “what do you say, darling? Should we get two just to be safe?” 

“Uh – right, yeah, I guess we should,” the brunette uttered, dumbfounded, though grateful for Alexa’s taking charge. “Just to be safe.”

“Sensible young people,” the woman praised them as she returned, placing two small boxes on the counter in front of them, “and if I may – I think the two of you would make the most adorable parents. I’m sorry, I know it isn’t any of my business, but you two really suit each other.”

“Why, thank you very much” Alexa beamed at her, wrapping her arm around Alex’s middle, “we get that all the time, don’t we, love? And we are indeed hoping for the test to come back positive.” The model smiled even wider, winking at Alex, enjoying the way that she was making him blush. “I mean, look at him. Wouldn’t he be the cutest baby Daddy there ever was?”

 

XxX

 

“Negative and negative,” Alex announced, on the verge of tears, as he came back from the restroom to find Alexa sipping her cappuccino in the very back of the café. She had insisted that they went for a drink together, not just for the sake of Alex needing a public toilet in order to test himself somewhere away from the lads, but for the sake of them being able to talk. “Oh, fuck. I thought for a moment that my nipples were getting sore, but I should have known better than to get my hopes up. I’m never getting pregnant…”

The brunette slumped down on the seat opposite of Alexa, who had found them a booth by the windows, furthest away from the till where the baristas were busy brewing various coffees and teas. Here in the back, she was confident that they could talk undisturbedly and now, she was glad for having ensured the two of them some privacy. Alex looked a right mess as he rested his face in his hands and hung his head, feeling broken yet again. 

“Love, I’m so sorry,” the model whispered, feeling devastated on her friend’s behalf. “I – I can’t imagine everything that you’ve gone through… How this must feel.” 

“The thing is – I was the one who opposed this whole idea to begin with,” lamented the brunette. His breaths were becoming shorter and quicker – a telltale sign of his distress. “I was the one who didn’t feel ready for a baby. I was the one who didn’t want to change my body and to go through all this trouble. But now – the idea of not being able to get pregnant… It terrifies me. I don’t want this to be taken away from us…”

“Darling, there’s no reason to assume that you will never get pregnant,” Alexa comforted him, though Alex’s obvious heartbreak was causing her stomach to churn. “It takes time. You have to keep trying.”

“I feel like I’m going to be sick,” Alex whimpered in response, running a nervous hand through his hair, managing to look visibly ill. “How am I supposed to tell Matthew, Jamie, Nick, that I have let them down again. They had so much faith in me… I keep disappointing them.” 

“Will you stop – that’s crazy talk,” Alexa scolded him strictly, shifting from compassionate to reprimanding in a heartbeat. “No one can possibly blame you for not being pregnant yet and you know that deep down. You’re just panicking right now. You’re catastrophizing. Here, drink your diet coke. You look way too pale.”

She pushed the glass bottle towards him, but Alex’s eyes were beginning to spill with tears. The last thing on his mind was to look after himself. 

“Even if I can’t help it – even if they won’t blame me for it,” he started, his bottom lip quivering as he spoke, “I can’t help but feel like something’s wrong. My body, it feels – unbalanced. Disturbed all the time. Ever since my surgery, I – I have felt out of touch with myself. I feel… disconnected. What if the surgery fucked me up? What if it left me… ruined.” 

“First of all, you’re not ruined. I honestly don’t understand how you can even suggest such a thing,” Alexa interfered with worry, furrowing her brows at the way that Alex kept putting himself down so openly, as if he was solely responsible for all evil in the world. “Secondly, you’re medicine is interacting with your hormones, right? You’re supposed to feel unbalanced. You’re supposed to get emotional. It’s only normal.” 

“But – something must be wrong,” Alex maintained, letting out a small sob. “I have tried so hard – so many times… I keep taking my injections. I’m having sex constantly – like, fifteen times a day…” Alexa widened her eyes at that, but he didn’t care if he was being inappropriate. “It’s not working. M-my body can’t conceive… Maybe Jamie was right. I’m too thin. I-I’m not strong enough to carry a baby. I’m so stupid. I’ve fucked this whole thing up…” 

“Alex, love, for the last time, you haven’t…” Alexa paused, frowning suddenly. “Wait. Did Jamie actually tell you that you’re too thin to have a baby?” 

“H-he didn’t have to,” Alex sniffled, full on crying by this point, “I – I know what he’s thinking. I can see it in his eyes… A-and not just him. M-matthew, too… They know better than I do. I’m so much weaker than them… I can’t even look after myself, so how could I ever look after a baby? Maybe I’m just not cut out for this… Maybe I should have never tried…” 

Alex would have kept writhing in self-pity if it hadn’t been for Alexa clutching at his wrist, forcing him to snap out of it. 

“No!” She exclaimed loudly, causing Alex to jerk as she held his wrist tightly in between her fingers. “I’m sorry, but no! This is unacceptable! I’m not going to let you put yourself down like this for even another second! This is all a load of rubbish! You do know that, don’t you?”

“Wh-what?” The brunette wiped at his eyes, staring at her with confusion. “What do you mean?” 

“This!” She cried. “The whole notion of this being your fault! You’re so self-deprecating and you don’t even realise it!”

“But… there’s no one else to blame for me not being pregnant,” he whined, causing Alexa to roll her eyes at him. “What?” 

“It takes at least two people to get pregnant,” she told him matter-of-factly, “and in your case, you have three different men to help you with that. Why are you so adamant that the problem is on your end?” 

“Well – because I’m the one who’s supposed to conceive.” Alex suddenly knew how stupid that sounded. “Besides… the lads are all fertile. I mean, I’m sure they are.”

“Do you know or do you think?” Alexa challenged him. “Look, I’m not suggesting that they all have low sperm counts or anything. I know what the odds are – three of them and only one of you. Statistically, it’s more likely that at least one of them would be able to get you pregnant. But all I’m saying is – stop being so hard on yourself. You’ve been through enough check-ups from the sounds of it. Surely, if any more testing needed to be done, it should be their turn. All they would have to do is wank into a cup and have it analyzed. You need to give yourself a break, Alex. You’ve made all the effort you can. And on behalf of all skinny people out there – yes, we can get pregnant. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re body isn’t strong enough.” 

Alex couldn’t help but to smile through his tears. Alexa got up from her seat and moved across the table in order to sit down next to him. She wrapped her arms around him protectively, cheering him up ever so knowingly. 

“I never thought about it that way,” Alex remarked after a moment, deep in thought. “Maybe you’re right.” Then it hit him. “Oh Christ – I’ll be furious if I’ve had this surgery done just to find out that my boyfriends are sterile. I mean – that would be absolutely ridiculous.” 

Alexa hid her mouth behind her hand, but in the end, she couldn’t contain her spontaneous chortling.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the lack of Miles in this chapter - I guess I just felt like it was time to wrap things up and finally let Alexa know what's going on :)))
> 
> I promise that Alex will have his boy back in the next chapter though!


	10. Beautiful Dreamer

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frustrated with the lack of results, Alex and the lads find that their disappointment is causing more tensions in their relationship. For this reason, Matt realises that Alex needs a break or rather, a holiday. 
> 
> And of course, Miles is included in that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I've let myself get carried away - this chapter is twice as long as I intended it to be :)) 
> 
> But with Alex and Miles goofing around together in Mallorca, how could I not get carried away? ;) 
> 
> Happy 2019 everyone!!<3

His evenings were spent tied to the headboard of the bed, helplessly pulling against his restraints while his boys gathered all around him, underwear wrapped around clumsy ankles, eager hands stroking proud erections that he learned were all aimed at him, because even in his blindfolded state, Alex recognised the heat of tender flesh coming at him; felt the vibrations of lust, and of desire, filling the room, making his heart pound faster. 

He would be lying on his stomach first – small and softly rounded arse cheeks slightly elevated, up for grabs and put on display ever so preciously. Jamie wasted no time getting in between his legs, wrapping a hand around each of his ankles, spreading them further apart as the blonde continued to make room for himself. Alex felt a hand tightening in his hair, pulling and forcing his head back and causing his arms to stretch further from where his wrists were fastened securely somewhere above his head, driving the brunette to arch his back submissively, wondering if Jamie was going to remove his blindfold or not.

The blonde kept him blinded while he fucked him, mean and untamed, full of motivation. Alex screamed as the pace increased, acting as if in pain, although when Jamie paused to check on him, he begged him not to stop. 

He could hear Nick and Matt groaning on each side of him, enjoying the show while they keenly awaited their turn. Every now and again, Alex would feel a hand cupping him, fondling his jaw, thigh, nipples, leaving him thrilled and turned on, moaning loudly until someone offered him their dick to suck on, effectively shutting him up. 

Jamie finished inside him and began to leave wet, breathy kisses all the way down his spine. As he pulled out, the blonde bit suddenly into Alex’s left arse cheek and he revelled in the cry that followed as Alex was taken by surprise. Nick moved up behind him, urging Jamie out of the way. Delivering a round of harsh, yet playful smacks to the brunette’s buttocks, Nick chuckled as Alex whined and pulled against his restraints once again, though of course, escape wasn’t an option for him unless the safe word was taken in use. 

Alex, stubborn as ever, refused to utter it, no matter how long Nick tested and teased him for. 

His wrists were only momentarily released as Nick decided that he wanted him on his back. Once he had rolled over and positioned himself, Alex was strapped down again, after which Nick went on to raise his legs in the air and throw them over his own shoulders, allowing him free access to the brunette’s already abused hole. With his legs wrapped around Nick’s neck, Alex felt the lower half of his back lifting off the mattress and with Nick carrying his weight on his shoulders, he threw his head back and allowed himself to be stretched open all over again. Nick reached down to kiss him and Alex’s chest heaved, rising and falling repeatedly, his breaths quickening with the rhythms of Nick’s fucking into him. 

Only Matt wanted his hands freed and the blindfold removed from his eyes. Once Alex sat himself upright and began to rub at the sore skin by his wrists, Matt climbed up behind him and pulled the smaller man into his lap.

“Like this,” whispered the drummer tenderly against his ear, causing Alex to shiver. Matt wrapped his arms around his skinny body and Alex fell back against his chest, resting his head on his shoulder – broader and stronger than his own. “That’s a good boy,” sounded the praise that had Alex’s eyes fluttering closed with bliss. “Oh yeah. Perfect.” 

Alex’s arse ground down against his pelvis and Matt was finally able to slip inside him. The drummer’s hands immediately began to play with his lover’s body. Letting his fingers roam everywhere across that smooth, practically hairless skin, he had Alex groaning and sighing ever so sweetly. Whenever he was tickled by the touches, Alex’s body trembled involuntarily, driving him to twist and curl himself up in Matthew’s arms. 

“Mm, that’s right,” Matt grunted, letting his open mouth attach itself to the brunette’s neck. He pinched one of his nipples, provoking another shriek out of his lover. “You feel so good, baby. So delicious…” 

“Maffew…” Alex whimpered breathlessly, unable to string a sentence together. 

Matt buried himself to the hilt and pounded into him ruthlessly. Alex bounced in his lap and was immediately pulled back by Matt’s muscular arm encircling around his waist. While the two of them remained chest to back, Jamie and Nick failed to observe them passively. Desperate to participate, Jamie crawled in between Alex’s parted legs and started to drag his tongue across his bony chest. The brunette squirmed yet again, sobbing at the way that Jamie kissed and licked his skin, tickling him with his warm tongue. Nick, too, lingered before him, looking for a way to join in.

Alex caught his eye and smirked faintly.

“St-strangle me… Please?” 

His plea was enough to cause Nick’s cock to twitch and fill with blood all over again. The bassist bared his teeth as he smiled at the brunette in return. His hands closed around his neck without hesitation. Using both his thumbs to press against Alex’s windpipe, cutting off his air supply, Nick bit his lip, deeply fascinated with the way that the other choked and went slack immediately. 

“You sweet, little masochist,” Matt chuckled from behind, letting his front teeth scrape against Alex’s shoulder, making it hurt. 

Alex gagged as he continued to suffocate. Nick’s hands were big and relentless against his lean, swan-like neck, but it felt amazing. He had always been devoted to submitting himself. Only when his cheeks grew red with exhaustion and his lips subtly blue from the lack of oxygen did Nick let go, allowing Alex to gasp, cough and eventually draw a breath. Jamie looked up at him; he was as always acting protectively, looking partly repulsed by Nick’s savagery, but mostly, looking partly ashamed of himself for enjoying what he saw.

“Wanna give it a go?” Alex wheezed, grinning roguishly at the look on Jamie’s face as he bared his throat to him and offered him a try. 

“I – I don’t know if I-“ Jamie stopped himself hesitantly. Everyone was suddenly amused with his inability to deny his temptation. “L-let me know if I’m hurting you…” 

And then he went on to choke him vigorously, with a will and dedication previously unmatched by Nick. Alex would have presumed the blonde to be the gentler of the two, but found himself pleasantly surprised when Jamie acted as though he had something to prove. His hands squeezed around his throat mercilessly. Alex retched pitifully, though he enjoyed every moment of it. In the end, his vision began to blur and he grew suddenly lightheaded. Jamie kept going, pushing the boundaries further as he upstaged Nick deliberately. The pleasure on his face was all the reward he needed, even when Alex thought that he was going to pass out. 

His boys kept filling him with love until he was drunk on it; the intoxication was sweet, welcomed. However, as soon as he awoke the following morning, he didn’t just feel hungover. He felt like he’d fallen from the pink clouds carrying him through his high, condemning him to a landing that was both brutal and devastating.

His evenings were spent tied to the headboard of the bed, moaning, begging, trembling with passion, blabbering incoherently in fast moments of carelessness and exuberance – his mornings, on the other hand… His mornings were spent in hollow silence, most often on his own, as he remained in bed, lacking the motivation to go out and face another day. He would stare up into the ceiling blindly, listening to Roy Orbison’s Beautiful Dreamer on repeat while placing a hand to his stomach in order to feel, to cuddle a baby bump there wasn’t there. 

The dream to carry a child had been forced upon him in the beginning and yet, it had now become a wish, a desire, that was fully his own. He felt restless. Incomplete. He kept trying to hide his disappointment from the lads, and they from him, but in the end, they all knew what wasn’t being said. Something was missing from their lives and it was only a matter of time before they grew tired of all the pretense. 

 

XxX

 

“What’s for dessert?” Alex asked the lads at the dinner table after opening up the fridge in order to get the milk out, finding instead a can of whipped cream, hidden lazily behind the mayo and the brown sauce.

Exactly two minutes later, Matt had cleared the dinner table of all plates and glasses, including the flower vase and the candles. Nick had snuck up behind Alex’s back and had picked him up in his arms, carrying him across the floor until able to put him down on the surface of the table. Alex had looked bewildered and reluctant at first, though as soon as Jamie stood on his chair and used it to mount the table in order to join him, he finally knew where this was going. Jamie straddled his hips and pinned him down effectively, after which he ordered Matt to get the cream out.

“Nick – you work his jeans.”

Alex hissed when Jamie unbuttoned him, after which Nick pulled the trousers off his legs, tugging at them once only. 

“There you go,” Jamie whispered contently as he pulled the shirt over Alex’s head, using force to strip him naked. “Almost ready to eat.”

Alex was going to say something when Jamie simply clasped his hand on top of his mouth, silencing him. 

“Just lie back down, love. It’s time for a little treat.”

Matthew appeared before them both and began to spray the whipped cream generously across the brunette’s naked chest. Alex shivered and protested the coldness that was suddenly offending his sensitive skin. 

“Oh, don’t be such a baby,” Matt laughed teasingly as he used his hand to spread out the cream from shoulder to shoulder. He squirted another spurt at the brunette’s throat. Alex flinched. “You’re used to taking our loads. This is hardly any different.” 

Jamie removed his hand from Alex’s mouth, though when the smaller man began to move, he pressed his palm down to his chest, restraining him again.

“Keep still,” grinned the blonde, eyeing his lover devilishly. “Let me have a taste, eh?” 

He bent down, stretching out his tongue in order to lick the brunette’s chest clean, starting with the skin in between his nipples, aiming upwards until he reached his throat and sucked it purposefully. Responding to the tickling sensation, Alex found himself moaning – eyes rolling back in his head.

“Yeah? You like that?” Matt sniggered. “Where should we eat from next? Here?” 

The drummer squirted a lavish amount of cream over the brunette’s belly. This time, Nick leaned in from the left side of the table and used his tongue on his navel, penetrating it until Alex squirmed helplessly, stopping only to suck up the cream and savour the sweetness, but importantly, the taste of the other man’s skin. They both continued to eat from him while nibbling and tonguing his skin raw, enjoying the way that Alex curled up his toes in an attempt to keep himself from begging. They were tickling and taunting him deliberately, making it so much harder for him to bear. Whenever they ran out, Matt provided them with more sprays of cream, keeping them both constantly licking, until every inch of Alex body had been covered, tongued, cleaned. 

“Nipples,” Jamie requested without taking his eyes off Alex. Matt got the hint and aimed for both his nipples next, giving Jamie an excuse to abuse them. Just as Alex whimpered, feeling the cold temperature of the white blend hardening both his nipples, Jamie covered them with his hot mouth, one after another, warming them up, prodding them with his tongue, sucking them in between his teeth and biting into them tenderly.

“I’m so full,” Nick groaned, cleaning up Alex’s thigh before the cream melted and ran further down his leg. “But I want more. Fuck the calories.” 

“Would you also like a taste?” Matt offered the brunette kindly, dipping the tip of his cock in whipped cream without awaiting the answer. Before Alex could even utter a word, Matt forced his lips open and drove himself into his mouth. “Here you go, sweetheart. Don’t be shy. There’s more where it came from.” 

When they eventually finished, Matt binned the empty can and helped Alex retrace his shirt.

“That was fun,” remarked the brunette simply as he sat himself upright and began to dress himself. After having Matt throat-fucking him and Nick and Jamie taking turns in between his legs, he felt thoroughly worn-out. “Where did you guys come up with the idea?” 

He didn’t even listen to the story that followed, told by Jamie who had come up with it a few days ago. Instead, he felt himself losing focus, mentally distancing himself from the room, from his boys. They had been doing this bit over and over again, for so many weeks now. Always the same after-sex chatter. Always the same compliments, the same evaluations of how good it had been, how mind-blowing… Alex felt jaded. 

“Al? Did you hear me?” 

“Huh?” The brunette snapped out of his thoughts. He was no longer hiding the fact that he hadn’t been listening. “Sorry, I was a million miles away.”

“Are you okay? Was this not good for you?” 

“What? No, it was great. I loved it.” He forced a smile. Then he shrugged. “Let’s hope it worked this time, eh?” 

Silence. 

“Alex, I think we need to talk.” Nick cleared his throat awkwardly. “With Dr Robinson, that is. I think – I think we need a consultation.” 

“What? So she can test me again?” He couldn’t help but to let out a huff. “Maybe you’re the ones who should get tested.”

“Wait, what?”

“I’m just saying, I’ve done my bit. Maybe you all have slow swimmers. Maybe there’s nothing else that I can possibly do to make this work. Did you think of that?” 

“Love, we’re not saying that the problem is you. Or that you should be tested again.” Matt walked up to him, but Alex didn’t look any of them in the eye. “We just want to ask the doctor a few questions. Maybe it’s time we took a little break. Just to let you rest.”

“A break?” Alex’s expression grew immediately suspicious. “What kind of a break?”

“You know…” Matt hesitated. “A break from trying.”

 

XxX 

 

Alex hated being back in Dr Robinson’s office. He hated the interference, the indication of obstacles. He hated the way that the lads were calling it quits, having decided that this was going nowhere – that, clearly, something wasn’t working. 

Instead of giving Alex another chance, they were choosing to put everything on pause. To reassess the situation.

Were they giving up on him?

“So how have you been feeling, Mr Turner?” Dr Robinson started politely, smiling at him. “You look well.” 

He couldn’t go through with the small-talk. Feeling desperate and anxious, Alex knew that he had to speak his mind.

“Look,” uttered the brunette in response, making everyone’s heads turn, “I’ll get right to it. I’m really sorry, Dr Robinson, but I don’t know why we’re back here. They insisted that we contacted you, but I disagree. I – I don’t want to stop trying. I don’t want to give up. It could still happen. Any day now, really. Right?” 

The lads were giving him strange looks, though thankfully, they kept quiet. Dr Robsinson observed him with sympathy, making Alex feel even smaller and all the more pitiful. 

“Mr Turner,” she told him kindly, “no one has said anything about giving up. In fact, I’m glad that you’re prepared to keep trying. It’s perfectly normal for these things to take time…”

“I know it is,” Alex interrupted her rather rudely, causing Nick to jab him with his elbow, “but if this is supposed to be normal, why are we here? Shouldn’t we just – carry on like before? I don’t want to waste my time, or yours for that matter…” 

“Well, this is not a waste of anyone’s time,” the doctor assured him then, her tone suddenly serious. “Mr Helders told me that he wanted to schedule for an appointment because he, Mr Cook and Mr O’Malley here are worried about the stress that you’re under. And believe me, Mr Turner, being concerned with your well-being is not a waste of time.” 

“My – my well-being?” 

“I hear that you’ve been trying really hard to make this work. While I appreciate your efforts, Mr Turner, it is important that you look after yourself. You need to take breaks. You need to find happiness in other things. You need to carry on with your every-day jobs instead of dropping everything else…”

“Wait, hold on. Listen, I don’t know what Maffew told you, but…” Alex felt himself flushing with emotion. He was beginning to grow embarrassed at the idea that the lads had been talking behind his back. “I’m – I’m doing the best I can. I…”

“Darling, we know you are,” Jamie interrupted then, fussing over him instantly. “All we’re saying is, you’re – obsessing over this. It’s not healthy.” 

“But – you wanted a baby,” Alex retorted, growing suddenly irritable. “You wanted me to give you a baby. You wanted me to change and to – turn my life upside down for this. And now I’m the one who’s obsessed?”

“Look, Alex, we don’t mean it like that,” Matt joined in. He carried the expression of disappointment; as though Alex was the one being unreasonable. “We love you, sweetheart, and we’re so grateful for everything that you’ve done. But I’m worried that you’re unhappy. And the sex – I can never tell if you’re actually enjoying it or if you’re just considering it another job that needs doing…”

“Oh, what, so now you have a problem with my performance in bed, too?” The brunette stood up from his chair dramatically. “Why, thank you for taking the time to be concerned with my well-being in between all those times you were busy triple teaming me! How fucking noble of you guys!” 

“Alex, please!” Nick hissed, clutching at his hand as if begging him to sit back down. “Jesus, why do you always have to overreact like this?!” 

“Oh, I’m sorry, Nick, but maybe I’m just a little sick of you guys ganging up on me – not just in bed, but in this fucking office, too! I’m done with this shit – I’m leaving!”

“Alex, don’t!” Jamie cried, but the brunette had already disappeared on them, slamming the door on his way out. 

“I’ll go after him,” Nick muttered, feeling mortified. “He shouldn’t be alone right now.”

“Look, Dr Robinson, I’m so sorry for what just happened,” Matthew blathered nervously as he watched the bassist exit the room, too. The doctor held up a hand to stop him.

“Mr Helders, Mr Cook,” she sighed with a hint of regret, “I don’t blame Alex for feeling backed into a corner, or for reacting the way he did. Now, I’m not exactly qualified for couple counselling, but as your doctor, I feel like it’s my responsibility to remind you to go easy on him. I’ve worked on many cases like this one before. This is not the first time that I’ve witnessed patients suffering emotional turmoil after having been under duress, or after feeling pressured to live up to certain expectations.”

“We – we don’t mean to pressure him, though,” Jamie fretted, looking deeply troubled. “But he keeps talking about having failed us. By not getting pregnant. Of course, we tell him that he’s wrong – that it’s not his fault.”

“Look, I’m going to tell you what you two already know,” the doctor spoke on an exhalation. “It can’t continue like this. He’s only going to drive himself towards a nervous breakdown if he doesn’t learn to slow down. He needs distance. He needs to forget and to distract himself for a while.”

“What are you suggesting?” Matt questioned her pleadingly. “We’ll do anything. Anything to make him feel better.”

“I suggest you take him out somewhere. Take a holiday together for a week or two if you can. Some change of scenery never hurts. But most importantly, let him rest. Take a break from having sex. If you’re truly interested in giving him some time and distance, he should forget all expectations of getting pregnant, at least for a while.” 

 

XxX 

 

Mallorca had been Matt’s idea. Alex had resisted their proposal at first, feeling both too busy for a holiday and frankly, feeling continuously bitter about the lads ratting him out to Dr Robinson. He wasn’t sure he had forgiven them yet, even when Nick insisted that his humiliation stemmed from him having embarrassed himself with his behaviour, with his dramatic exit. 

“Still,” Alex had argued jadedly. “What’s the point in going on holiday if we’re fighting the entire time? You think Spain is going to put me in a romantic mood?” 

“This is not going to be a romantic holiday,” Matt had told him then. “We’re not going away just to kiss and make up with one another. We’re leaving because you need a break from all of this. So even if you’re mad at us the entire time, at least you can do your sulking by the pool while sipping cocktails.” The drummer had chuckled humourously, very close to winning Alex over with his smile. “Let us take care of you, love. You deserve a bit of pampering after all of this.” 

If still in doubt, Alex was certainly beginning to feel persuaded when Jamie came up with the idea that he should bring Miles along with him. Since this trip was about them not having sex, not romancing one another, not talking about babies, but getting away from all of that, perhaps the additional company of his Liverpudlian friend could help Alex distance himself and let go of his sense of duty. 

And so, only a week later, the brunette found himself flanked by Jamie and Matt on a flight headed for the Spanish Balearic islands. Miles, who was sat right behind him, kept yanking his hair every time he thought that Alex was nodding off, and when Alex spun around to glare at him, the Scouse merely smirked back at him like a mischievous four-year-old. For a moment, Alex thought that at least this was good practice for learning how to deal with kids while travelling – but then Miles turned to Nick and started telling the bassist how he’d always wanted to ‘get it on’ with a beautiful, Spanish girl. 

Not so innocent, after all.

Alex turned to face Jamie, muttering quietly:

“I still don’t understand why we couldn’t fuck one last time this morning. We finished our packing well ahead of schedule and everything.”

“Well, darling, if we had fucked you this morning, how long would you have waited before purchasing the first pregnancy test you can find in Mallorca?” Jamie offered him a sympathetic smile. “I know you. But you need to let go of that, Alex. Get it off your mind.”

“But-“

The brunette was interrupted by Matt who had overheard the conversation:

“You should enjoy yourself. No more sex means no more injections. I’m sure you won’t miss those.”

At that, Alex merely shrugged.

“I was kind of getting used to them,” he retorted.

Matt just shook his head and smiled at him.

“Believe me, love – for the next two weeks to come, you are not getting pregnant. Just enjoy your freedom.”

 

XxX 

 

The first couple of days were spent quietly by the water, under the blazing sun. As soon as he felt the heat and the warm breeze against his skin, Alex had to admit that, perhaps, this could be an even better remedy than he’d thought. Mallorca was stunning. He immediately fell in love with the beaches, even if slightly overcrowded. The blue skies were filling his heart with peace. As he lied down in the sand and looked up into them, he could feel himself getting lost in this place – in his pacified mind. 

“Isn’t this place beautiful, Mi?” He asked the Scouse as he dropped his towel next to his and settled down in the sand. 

“Aye, love, it is,” grinned Miles in response, his eyes skimming over Alex’s body, “but you’re not going to tan if you keep doing that.”

“Huh?”

Miles reached out his hand and tugged at the brunette’s t-shirt suggestively. 

“Take it off, why don’t you? Catch some sun.”

“Oh.” Alex looked down at himself hesitantly. “I don’t know…”

“He caught some women staring at his scar yesterday,” Nick remarked suddenly from where he was lounged in a wooden beach chair, somewhere behind them both. Alex hadn’t realised that he’d been able to follow their conversation. “Now he’s acting all self-conscious, you see.”

“I’m not self-conscious,” Alex frowned. “I just don’t tan very well.” 

“Come on,” Miles encouraged him. “Take the shirt off and then I’ll rub some sunscreen on ya. Who gives a fuck about that scar, right?”

Alex let the Scouse strip him off his t-shirt. When the Scouse began to touch at his chest, his arms and his back, spreading the lotion out carefully, Alex couldn’t help but to smirk with amusement. Miles lifted his head as to look behind him, checking to see if either Jamie, Nick or Matt were bothered by him groping their boyfriend. 

“Are you trying to make them jealous, love?” Alex joked, knowing fully well that the lads were used to the idea of Miles being handsy with him. 

“Of course not,” chuckled the Scouse wickedly as he pinched one of Alex’s nipples, realising he could get away with it, “I’m just taking care of my boy, aren’t I?” A few minutes later, as the lotion began to dry on the brunette’s skin, he added: “Come on. Let’s hit the water.” 

Alex had never been a strong swimmer, but Miles made sure not to take him too far out, remembering the rule of thumb about never letting the water reach above your bellybutton. The last thing he wanted was his best friend drowning on him, right before the eyes of his fucking boyfriends, so even when Miles caught a cute girl smiling at them from about a ten-foot distance, he stopped himself from swimming further out, adamant on putting Alex’s safety first. 

 

XxX

 

That night in the hotel restaurant, Miles met a new girl who had smiled at him from across another table. The five of them were having their dinner in one of the booths in the back when the Scouse looked over his shoulder and saw her – beautiful with long, dark hair and chestnut brown eyes – giggling, then blushing as she caught his gaze. 

“Oh my,” uttered Miles under his breath, “what do we have here? She’s adorable!” 

“Which one? There are two of them,” Jamie noted, looking behind him casually.

“The one to the left,” Miles retorted, “she was the one looking at me.” 

Alex observed the look on his friend’s face and smiled. He loved how much fun Miles was having on this trip.

“You should go talk to her,” he suggested, nudging the Scouse with his elbow encouragingly. “She can’t get her eyes off you, you know.” 

“Well, as much as I enjoy being fifth wheel with you guys,” Miles smirked, observing the way that Jamie had his arm around Alex and Nick his hand on Matt’s thigh, “I think you’re right. I’ll go offer to buy her a drink or something.” 

Twenty minutes later, Miles returned to their table with his arm around the dark-haired girl who was smiling even wider now – and his other arm around the girl accompanying her. 

“Hey guys,” he beamed, “allow me to introduce you to the two most ‘guapa’ senoritas that ever walked in this place.” The girls laughed, slapping Miles’s shoulder, though they obviously enjoyed the flattery. “This is Sofia, who by the way loves her martinis dirty as I’ve learned, and her sister, Carmen, who tragically, already has a ring on her finger.” 

Alex’s eyes landed on the second girl, Carmen, and he felt his breath stopping for a moment. She was heavily pregnant, looking like she was at least seven months along. He hadn’t been around anyone pregnant since before Matt’s niece was brought into the world – after which everything had changed. It wasn’t his own emotions that he was suddenly concerned with, though. It was the way that Matt, too, had raised his head and noted the woman’s rounded, swollen belly. His eyes lingered there, long enough for Alex to catch him watching her with a sense of suppressed, silenced longing. 

Alex was grateful when Nick broke the ice first.

“Lovely to meet you both – let’s make some space around the table. Come – have a seat.” 

Miles and Sofia settled down together next to Alex while Carmen took her seat next to Matt. 

“Sofia, darling, this is my boy that I was telling you about – my best mate, Alex,” the Scouse initiated, bringing the three of them closer together.

“Alex,” Sofia repeated whilst nodding enthusiastically, “oh yes – I heard so much about you already.”

She reached out her hand and Alex shook it without hesitation as he tried to match her keenness. 

“Is that so,” the brunette uttered awkwardly as he forced a smile, “well I’m – it’s really nice to meet you, Sofia.”

Slowly, he spaced out as he detected Matt introducing himself to Carmen. It took him seconds only before his hand was placed on her belly ever so softly. In his peripheral vision, Alex could see it resting there comfortably, just below the woman’s abdomen. He thought he heard him asking about the due date. The gender. Any future names. 

“Miles tells me that you’re all from England,” the girl – Sofia – continued, forcing Alex to focus. “I’ve never been to England.”

“Oh – it’s not as nice as here,” Alex responded, chuckling politely. “It’s cold. Rainy. A bit miserable, really.”

“Which is why a beautiful, warm island such as this is brimming with British tourists,” Miles added grinningly, wrapping his arm around the girl a little tighter. 

Alex looked over at Matt again, just in time to see him pull his phone out. 

“This is my niece in that onesie that makes her look like a little bear cub,” he overheard the drummer narrating as he showed his pictures to the pregnant Carmen. “I think this one was taken a week ago. Look at her smile – she gets these little dimples when she’s happy…” 

“That’s adorable,” Carmen cooed and Matthew seemed pleased. “She is beautiful.” 

“I know, right? Wish I had a little baby girl like that myself…”

Alex frowned. Before he was able to recover from the surprise of hearing those words spoken out loud, Sofia turned to him again.

“Miles told me that you play music together. Do you guys write your own songs?” 

“Uh – well…” Alex couldn’t find his words. He was too distracted.

“Oh yes, they do,” Jamie interfered, clutching the brunette’s shoulder proudly. “Miles and Alex here sometimes write their songs together. They’re like in perfect harmony with one another…”

“Oh my god,” uttered Sofia and looked up at Miles, clearly impressed. “You have to play me something. Let me hear one of your songs.” 

From across the table, Matt and Carmen kept chatting about the kids that he didn’t yet have, but wanted more than anything in the world. 

 

XxX

 

“Is it just me, or did Maffew break the rules at dinner?” Alex moped as they hit the nightclubs later in the evening. 

“What do you mean?” Jamie replied casually as Alex pulled him aside. Nick was paying for a couple of drinks at the bar while Matt had gone to the restrooms. Carmen had left the party after dinner, though Miles had persuaded Sofia to tag along. The two of them were currently fooling around with each other on the dancefloor, providing Alex with the perfect opportunity to moan to Jamie in private. 

“I mean,” Alex huffed, “he wouldn’t shut up about babies for even a second. That poor woman didn’t even ask to see all those pictures of his niece – or to have her belly touched. He was just so carried away.”

“He was just excited, is all,” Jamie uttered laughingly, wrapping his arm around the brunette protectively. “And that woman – Carmen – looked like she enjoyed the conversation just as much as he did.”

“Yeah well, I didn’t enjoy it,” the brunette maintained, “I thought we came here to get away from all of that. In fact, I thought we had agreed not to talk about babies at all. I thought it was forbidden.” 

“Forbidden?” Jamie cocked an eyebrow. “Forbidden is a bit harsh, love.”

“Even so, all I know is that I came here to switch off. And all Maffew has done is remind me where we stand – what a failure these past few months have been.”

“Alex…”

“No, I’m serious. Did you hear him? Going on about the little baby girl that he wishes he had. How is that supposed to make me feel?” 

“He probably didn’t realise that you could hear him. It’s not like he said those things to make you feel bad, love. You know that.”

Nick returned with their drinks and Alex was forced to get over himself. 

“You seem tense,” Nick noted as he pressed a kiss to Alex’s cheek and handed Jamie his beer. “Is everything okay, you guys?” 

“He just overheard Matt talking about kids again,” Jamie told him in a lowered voice. “It’s okay. We don’t need to make a big deal out of this. Right, love?”

“Right.” Alex growled slightly as Jamie held him tightly. “Well, since I’m not allowed to get pregnant on this trip, anyway – I could really do with a drink.” 

With a cocktail in his hand and a profound desire to avoid looking Matt in the eyes as he returned from the restrooms, Alex moved away from the bar and sauntered across the dancefloor on his own, looking to find Miles and Sofia before the two of them disappeared back to his hotel room together. 

 

XxX 

 

“Oh god, I miss her already,” Miles whined the next day as he and Alex settled down by the pool, having refrained from joining the lads in the water. “Her smile. Her lovely hair. Her lips on my skin while we made love…”

Alex lowered his sunglasses and eyed Miles intentionally, as though to remind him that he already knew all about their love-making, especially since he’d heard most of the action from the other side of the wall. The Scouse broke out laughing. 

“Well, she’s probably still around here somewhere,” Alex said in order to state the obvious, “don’t you know her room number? You could go find her.” 

“Oh, Al – you beautiful, doe-eyed, innocent soul,” Miles responded theatrically, tutting at him. “What’s the point in a holiday romance without the tinge of sorrow? What’s the point in creating such a special moment if it wasn’t for one night only? Sofia and I were always meant to part ways before it even began…”

“Before what even began?”

“We’ll never know,” the Scouse sighed, crossing both arms behind his neck. “We’ll never know.”

“Right, so let me see if I get this straight,” Alex snorted, shaking his head at his friend, “you are reducing Sofia to a one night stand, even though you really like her. And now you miss her.” 

“Of course I miss her,” Miles cried, “she was absolutely stunning! But there is so much beauty out there that has yet to be discovered. For her and I both. We couldn’t possibly commit to one another. I wouldn’t want to hold her back. There will be other boys – that girl is going to steal away so many hearts…” 

“God, you’re so full of shit,” Alex chuckled, glancing at Miles fondly, “why can’t you just say it as it is – you’re a player, Mi. Always have been, always will be.” 

“Speaking of playing the game,” the Scouse grinned, “have you seen that babe sunbathing over there? Maybe I should go introduce myself. It worked so well the first time…”

Alex merely shook his head, throwing an arm across his eyes as to ignore him.

“We need to get you away from this pool, love,” he joked, “I can’t be around you when you’re all excitable. I’m not able to get laid on this trip, remember?”

Later in the afternoon, they all got dressed and left the hotel area in order to do some shopping. They agreed to walk on foot rather than getting on a bus. It was far too hot to be packed inside some sweaty, unventilated vehicle. It was nice to be out, and to take in the scenes, the atmosphere. Alex enjoyed walking through the streets from where you could still spot the sea from a distance, and still smell the fresh, salty ocean air. He enjoyed the palm trees, the music, the venues that he was able to admire in passing. He would have been happy to keep walking, but after a while, the lads wanted to make a stop at the markets in order to look for souvenirs. He and Miles both tagged along, of course. Nick wandered off to buy some fresh fruits, while Jamie was drawn to the porcelain figurines put on display in a section that looked particularly expensive. Miles decided that he wanted to buy a football t-shirt after stumbling across some clothes stands, so he pulled at Alex’s arm and dragged him along with him. 

Alex hadn’t noticed Matthew by the clothes stands before, suddenly:

“How cute is this thing? I have to buy it!”

They both spun around to find Matt by the children’s section. He was holding up a tiny, little dress before him, a mix of red and green colours in a tartan-like pattern, two small bows neatly tightened by each sleeve, perfected by an elegant, white collar. Beautiful as it was, Alex merely stared at the dress as if he had been slapped in the face with it.

“Oh, look at that,” Miles responded, grinning though he noted the brunette’s silence, “what a darling little thing that is.” 

“I know, right?” Matt was too carried away to notice the look on Alex’s face. “And look – here are some matching shoes.” 

“Are you,” Miles hesitated for a moment, “are you buying it for Ezmie then?”

“Ezmie?” Matt shook his head. “No, I’m going to keep it. This is too special to give away.”

“Keep it?” Alex retorted before he could stop himself. 

“Not that Ezmie isn’t special, of course,” Matt added quickly, “I love her to the moon and back, but I guess it would be nice to keep something like this for meself, you know, just in case…”

“Just in case what?” Miles prodded.

“Just in case we’re having a daughter.” The words left his mouth ever so casually.

Alex’s heart skipped a beat. Miles looked over at him tentatively, sensing his anguish. 

“What do you say, love? Should I look for a boy’s outfit as well? Maybe something in denim?” Matt looked over at the brunette, but Alex turned his back on him immediately, feeling sick with his lover’s thoughtless blabbering. 

“Come on, Mi,” he whispered as he continued to ignore Matt, “let’s go find you a t-shirt.”

 

XxX 

 

For days to come, Alex was still not over Matthew’s blunder. Though he pretended that he was not bothered, that he was having a good time, he struggled to look the other man in the eyes without feeling a slight pinch of bitterness, or of resentment, towards him. The idea of resenting Matt was devastating. And yet, every time he found his blue-eyed lover staring at the children chasing each other around the pool, falling quiet as he let his dream carry him away, Alex couldn’t help but to feel a stab of hurt and betrayal. Despite him having tried so hard to give him everything he desired, deep down, he still wasn’t content. 

One night, he simply decided to join the lads for a toast, despite having very little to celebrate. 

“Al? Would you like another drink?” Jamie asked him halfway through their dinner, sensing that tonight, the brunette could do with some self-indulging. 

“Sure. Thanks, love.”

As soon as Alex had another drink in his hand, he did indeed seem perfectly chill. Later in the evening, as they kept the party going, Miles offered to buy the next round. 

“Al? You’re in?”

“Of course,” the brunette replied smilingly, “cheers, Mi. I’ll help you carry everything.” 

Not long after, Nick and Alex had downed their glasses in record time. Nick offered to get them both a refill. 

“Thanks, baby – so sweet of you,” Alex blabbered drunkenly, clutching at Nick’s collar and kissing his lips.

“Someone’s having a good time tonight,” chuckled the bassist grinningly. “Let’s keep that up, huh?”

He was right. The vast amounts of alcohol made Alex feel relaxed. Perhaps that was the true purpose of this holiday. Loosening up. Letting go. Learning to block out everything that truly bothered him, even if he wasn’t sober for it.

Matt observed the tipsy smile on his face and began to fuss over him. 

“Look at you having fun, baby,” he uttered as if trying to take credit for his happiness. When he wrapped his arm around him, Matt barely noticed the way that Alex attempted to shrug him off. “Let me top you up, eh?” 

“No, thank you,” came the response for the first time that night. “I’m good.”

“You sure? Your glass is half empty, love.”

“I’ll help myself,” insisted the brunette as he detached himself and left the table.

He knew that Matt had followed him all the way up to the bar before even taking a look behind him.

“Alex! Is everything okay?”

“I’m fine,” Alex deadpanned. “Go back to the table.”

“But…” Matt’s face contorted with confusion. “Wait, are you trying to avoid me?” 

“I’m trying to buy myself a drink.”

“Alex!”

“What?”

“Just – look at me.” 

“You know what, I’ve changed my mind. I’ve had enough – I think I’ll go back to the hotel room to sober up.” 

“What? It’s, like, nine o’clock! I thought we had plans for the rest of the evening.”

“You guys have fun,” grunted the brunette, “tell the lads I’m going to get an early night.” 

“Alex, wait!” 

But the brunette’s mind was already made up.

By the time he made it back to the hotel and walked through the downstairs lobby, he learned that he was drunker than he’d realised. Struggling to walk straight, he caused a few heads to turn when he nearly tripped over the carpet and bumped into the nearest wall, positively bruising his elbow as a result. 

“Oh no – please be careful,” uttered the receptionist – a plump, mustached man in his late fifties – who came running to give him a hand. “Many guests here injure themselves when drunk. You must not be alone in such state. Where are your boys? They always with you.” 

“I’m – I’m on my own,” Alex stuttered, slightly startled as the receptionist took his arm, “I’m okay – I just need to lie down. Thank you.” 

“Young boys such as yourself must be careful. You must not drink alone. People like to watch beautiful foreigners in the nightclubs. I have seen. They spy on young tourists such as yourself.”

“Huh?”

“You mustn’t walk alone at night. People rob tourists when alone. People spike drinks. People take advantage. Take your boys with you next time. They look after you. Big and strong, your boys. You are only small.” 

 

XxX

 

Alex downed a glass of water before kicking off his shoes and perching himself on the double bed. He considered a bath before bed, though he almost felt too tired. He wasn’t left with much time to mull over his options before he heard the door unlocking. For a moment, he thought that the receptionist – god bless him – had returned to provide him with further safety precautions, but then he looked up to see Matthew pushing the door open and letting himself in. 

When on earth would he stop chasing after him?

“Alex, what the fuck?” Matt uttered softly, closing the door gingerly. He didn’t sound upset. Just baffled. 

The brunette released a small sigh, turning his back on him as he pulled the t-shirt over his head, getting ready for bed.

“Maffew, I’m tired,” he responded weakly, “and I’m drunk. I just want to sleep.” 

“You mean you want to run away from me.”

“Hm?”

“Don’t pretend you didn’t hear me. Alex, look at me.”

“I don’t want to look at you,” he admitted sadly. “I don’t even want to speak with you.” 

“Why not?” Matt stepped closer. “Why are you mad at me?”

“If you don’t know the answer to that, I don’t see the point in having this conversation.” 

“Was it the dress?” Matt ventured, causing the brunette to flinch. “You’re mad at me because I bought a baby-sized dress?” 

“I’m mad at you for being so god damn selfish!” Alex snapped before he could stop himself. 

Matthew’s mouth fell open with surprise.

“Selfish? I booked you this holiday to take care of you. To spoil you. Make you happy. In case you hadn’t noticed, this whole trip has been about you, Alex. Now, how exactly does that make me selfish?” 

“Oh, bullshit!” The brunette retorted venomously. “You tell yourself that you’ve booked this fancy holiday for me, but guess what? I wasn’t the one who wanted a break – it was you all along!”

“Me?”

“Yeah, you! You were getting sick and tired of my moodswings, weren’t you? You were getting fed up with the obstacles, with having to comfort me all the time. You thought that getting me pregnant would be a piece of cake, didn’t you? Just admit it, Maffew! You booked this holiday for your own good! You wanted to get a break from me – or at least from the part of me that kept burdening you with my emotions. You used this holiday as an excuse to force me to be happy. So you wouldn’t have to listen to my moaning…” 

“What? Is it so wrong that I prefer to see you happy? I’m supposed to prefer the side of you that’s so – so anxious and heartbroken every time we fail another test? Alex, you do need a break! Even if you can’t see it.” 

“Stop pretending that I’m your number one concern!” The brunette cried furiously. “If I were, you wouldn’t fuck with my head like this!”

“How exactly have I been fucking with your head?”

“Oh, I don’t know – it all started the day that you came back from Texas and suddenly decided that you wanted a baby even if we needed a miracle to make that work. Just like that, you decided to turn our lives upside down. And I just had to deal with it, didn’t I? Your wish is my command!”

“Oh, please!” Matt snorted. “You want a baby just as much as I do! Don’t pretend that I’ve been forcing this on you! You had a choice and you chose to fucking do this!”

“Never mind the pressure I was under to realise what I want,” Alex grunted. “But you’re right. I do want a baby. Really, I do. But now I’m questioning whether I’m actually physically capable. And you know what doesn’t make this any easier? You going on about children every five fucking minutes. You walking up to pregnant women, telling them that you want what they have, right in front of my face. You buying baby outfits for a child that I may never give you…”

“Well, there you go, I was right after all,” Matt breathed simply, “so it is about the dress.”

“Of course it’s about the dress!” Alex whined. “How can you do this to me, Maffew? You bring me here, telling me that I need to switch off because I’m about to lose my god damn mind worrying about the fact that I’m not conceiving – and then, the minute we arrive here, the place that was supposed to be my one breathing space, you have the fucking nerve to remind me of my failure by looking at other couples, other families, like you’d rather have what they have, and then you – you purchase that fucking thing…”

Alex stopped as his voice broke. He wasn’t sure when the tears had started to spill from his eyes. Matt began to approach him, though when he reached the bed, the brunette turned away from him again, pleading miserably:

“Don’t. Just don’t…”

“Hey,” Matt whispered, letting his hand run up his thigh, touching Alex against his will. “Alex, look at me. Come on. Easy, love. Easy.”

He was pulled into the bigger man’s embrace, but Alex tore himself free.

“No!” He cried, resisting fiercely. “Just – just leave me alone!”

“Alex, I’m so sorry for hurting you like that. Look at me, baby. I’m so sorry.” Matt suddenly brought his hand to his face. Pulling him closer, he attempted to kiss him. “I promise I’m going to make it up to you. I promise-“

“NO!” Alex hollered then, shoving the drummer away from him. “Stop it! You don’t – you don’t get it!” 

He jumped up from the bed, but that wasn’t enough to keep the drummer from approaching him again. 

“Love, we need to talk about this-“

Matt took one step closer, so Alex did the only thing that seemed reasonable and threw a pillow in his face, warning him to back off.

“Don’t touch me!”

“What the f…” Matt gasped as he clutched at his cheek. “Alex, calm the fuck down, will you? It’s me.”

“I know it is,” roared the smaller man, “and I’m sick of you!” 

“H-how can you say that?” The response was more delicate this time. Matthew sounded wounded. Distressed. “Look – I’m sorry about the dress. I realise I may have been acting like an arse, but… I never meant to hurt you. I love you.” 

“I hate you,” Alex bit back harshly, unaffected.

“No, you don’t.”

“Yes, I do. You made me this way. I’m fucked up because of you!” 

“You’re not fucked up. You’re perfect. You’re strong. You’re so beautiful…”

“Stop it!” Demanded the brunette, resting his forehead against his hand. “Stop pretending that, without a baby, I’m actually enough for you! Because clearly, you’re not happy with what we have. You want more. You think you’ve been hiding it so well, but I can see it in your eyes.”

“No, I – I just want you,” Matt croaked, his voice close to failing him. “You and the lads, you’re… You’re my life, my whole world.”

“You want more,” Alex persisted, suddenly sobbing as he walked himself backwards. “You’ve always wanted more, Maffew. More than I can give you…”

“No, Alex, I – I love you. I don’t care if you can’t carry our child. I – I just want us to be okay.” 

Alex no longer said anything. When Matt took another step, he rushed past him and went straight for the far corner of the room.

“I’m leaving. I can’t talk about this anymore.”

“What?! Alex!”

He went for the door, but Matthew was quicker than him. 

“You don’t get to ditch me – not like this!”

“Let go of me!” He cried as Matt’s arms wrapped around his shoulders and pulled him back. “I said I’m leaving!” 

“No, you’re not,” the drummer told him, his voice deadly serious, “not until I know that we’re going to be okay.” 

“Fuck you!” Alex groaned as he fought back, writhing desperately in order to escape. “Who the fuck do you think you are?” 

“Just – calm down!” 

Even when Matthew received an elbow to his ribs, he didn’t budge. 

“LET GO OF ME!” Screamed the smaller man, kicking about violently. 

He was suddenly pushed down to the floor, only to feel his lover mounting him, pinning him down until he no longer stood a chance. 

“I’m not letting you go,” Matthew wept as he straddled him, trying to be as gentle as possible. “You said you hate me, but you don’t. I know you don’t.” 

“I’m going to call the reception!” Alex threatened lividly, struggling helplessly as he refused to surrender. “No – I’ll call the police-“

“Bullshit! Say you don’t hate me,” demanded the bigger man, tightening his hold on both Alex’s wrists. “Go on, say it! I need to hear it…”

“Fuck you!” Sounded the response, again and again. “Fuck you, Maffew! And fuck this holiday! Fuck Dr Robinson and – fuck this fucking break! I hate it!” 

“You hate the break? Fine. Let’s cancel it. Forget the break,” blubbered the drummer desperately. “I’ll give you anything. Just – say you don’t hate me.” 

“I…” Alex stared up into the other man’s face, sensing his hurt. “I don’t… hate you.” 

“Good!” Matt suddenly bowed down to press their lips together. Taken by surprise, Alex instinctively flinched and tried to pull back. Keeping him in place, Matt merely kissed him harder, determined to clear the air. “Then don’t act like it,” he added a moment later, withdrawing as he realised the brunette wasn’t kissing him back.

“You… you really pissed me off,” Alex whispered then, blinking as fresh tears were shed from his eyes. 

“I know. I’m sorry.” The drummer released his wrists, slowly. When Alex stayed still, he cupped his face and moved in once again, pecking at his lips. “I love you. Tell me what you need from me. I’ll do anything.” 

Alex turned his face away from him, averting his eyes. When he failed to say anything, Matt hovered above him and began to kiss and nibble at his neck. Alex’s eyes fluttered closed as he responded to the tickling sensation of Matt’s lips with a soft moan.

“Please, darling. Don’t push me away. I need to be close to you,” begged the drummer as he used his tongue on him, causing Alex to shiver. “Tell me. How can I make it better?” 

Matt was about to pin him down all over again when swiftly, Alex shoved a palm against his chest. 

“You want to be close to me, Maffew? Be close to me.”

 

XxX

 

“Can’t you see I go crazy for you?”

By the time Matthew had finished fucking him up against the wall, he had picked Alex up again gently and carried him to bed. After such raw, fierce display, it appeared that he was now in need of something gentler. And as he had lied Alex down on his back and wrapped his arms around him, inviting him in for a cuddle, Matt had studied him closely, as if wondering if everything was truly okay between them. 

“What?” Croaked the brunette, his voice still recovering from his own moaning. He nuzzled closer into the bigger man’s arms, recalling the way that Matthew had slammed his back against the wall, lifted him off the ground and impaled him on his cock.

“I said, can’t you see that I go crazy for you?” Repeated the drummer, holding him tightly. “How could you possibly think that you’re not enough to make me happy? Alex, I – worship you.” 

The brunette didn’t know how to respond to that. Instead of saying anything, he swiftly shifted and moved himself on top of Matt. When Matt parted his lips as if to speak, he jumped in and kissed him hungrily, with a sense of urgency. He didn’t stop until he could practically feel the bigger man smiling against his lips.

“Do you want to go again, tiger?” 

Matt’s hands reached for his hips, but Alex merely dodged his touch and rolled himself off the mattress. As he began to dress himself rather hurriedly, Matt watched him with surprise, finding his evasion worrisome.

"Sorry, I can’t," Alex remarked, offering his lover an awkward smile as he pulled a clean shirt over his head. "I’m okay. We’re okay. I just feel like I need to catch my breath."

"Was I too rough on you?"

"No! No, not at all." Alex paused, scratching at his neck, feeling rather unsure of the situation. "Matt, I'm – I'm really sorry for what I said earlier. About… hating you ‘n all that. Because I obviously don’t."

Matt shook his head at that, gesturing for him to stop right there.

"Don't be sorry. I was the idiot, not you." 

Alex chose not to comment on that.

"I think... I think I'm going to spend the night in Miles's room. Perhaps for the next few days as well." Matt jerked and sat himself upright, staring at the brunette anxiously. "No, don't take this the wrong way," Alex added with a hint of regret, "I promise, we're gonna be fine. It's just... You were right. I do need a break. And as long as I'm still sharing a bed with you guys, I'm not going to feel the benefit of that."

Matt nodded, despite feeling slightly crushed by this rejection.

"I'm sure Nick and Jamie will understand," he replied respectfully.

Alex pressed his lips together, hesitating.

"I'm glad we talked," he uttered slowly, after which he returned to the bed and bowed down to kiss Matthew one more time. "I love you. I’ll see you tomorrow."

Matt reached for him, but Alex moved again, retrieving his shorts from the floor without uttering another word. 

 

XxX 

 

Of course, Miles was more than happy to make room for Alex in his bed, even if it meant going to other women's hotel rooms rather than his own every time he pulled off a one night stand. Every now and again though, he would bring a girl back to his room for five or ten minutes, introducing her to Alex before taking her out for a meal, or a drink, though Alex assumed that whatever plans they had, it was all code for "going back to her place to fuck." 

He didn't care though. He enjoyed watching Miles self-indulge. And the girls he introduced him to were truly nice, truly charming, and usually a lot of fun to talk to. 

"I should take you out for a drink, just the two of us," Miles suggested when a whole week had passed, feeling bad that Alex had spent so much time alone in his room, away from the lads. “I’ve spent too much time with strangers. Tonight, it’s all about you, love.”

Of course, Alex still saw the lads during the day. At breakfast. By the pool. On the way to the beach. Then at dinner, too. 

“You sure you don’t want to join us tonight?” Jamie asked him hopefully in the restaurant when the wine had been poured and their meals ordered. “We miss you.” 

“I’m going out with Miles tonight,” Alex had apologized, though truthfully, he was relieved to have plans. “Don’t worry, though. This arrangement is only temporary.”

From the way that Matt kept his eyes on his wine glass quietly, he could tell that he hadn’t told them about their fight, or about them cancelling their ‘break.’ 

“Are you and Helders going to be alright?” Miles asked him in private, making sure that the lads wouldn’t hear.

“We’re fine,” Alex assured him, though he sounded gloomy. “I mean – I guess I just feel weird about what we did.”

“Weird? It was just sex, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah. I don’t know. I feel guilty. This is the first time Matt has ever kept something deliberately from Nick and Jamie.”

 

XxX 

 

“I thought you said you were allowed to drink on this holiday,” Miles remarked later in one of the bars, alone with Alex. He eyed the brunette laughingly as he sipped his San Pellegrino like some kind of toddler. 

“I know, but…” Alex shrugged, smiling sheepishly. “I almost ruined everything with Matt last time I drank. Right now I just want to get my shit together.” 

“Hm, whatever makes you happy,” agreed the Scouse. “Still. Matt’s not here. And it’s not like I’m going to have sex with you up against the wall if we start a fight,” he teased.

Alex jabbed him with his elbow, unamused. 

“I can have fun without drinking,” he swore. “Come on, Mi. Let’s pay the jukebox for some better tunes. I want to dance.”

They must have attracted more attention than they realised because by the time they returned from the dancefloor, slightly out of breath from their exertions, the guy at the bar waved his hand at them, gesturing for them to come to the counter.

“Some dude just bought you a drink,” the bartender – an American– told Alex, after which he glanced at Miles next, “he insisted on buying one for your friend as well. I assume that’s you?” 

“Uh-huh,” Miles retorted, looking suspicious.

“Oh my god,” Alex uttered, “who’s it from?” 

“Someone a lot older than you, my friend,” the bartender remarked disapprovingly. “I don’t know, he’s tall. He wore I blue jacket I think. Anyway, enjoy. This is a glass of our finest champagne.”

He left the drinks with them as he went on to serve the other customers, but Miles and Alex both froze, hesitant to even inspect their glasses.

“This is like that move you made on Sofia, isn’t it?” Alex noted suddenly. “I think someone’s hitting on me.”

“Well, duh,” Miles said, rolling his eyes, “only, this is nothing like my romantic gesture with Sofia. This is pure creepy. I say we ditch them.”

“Fine,” Alex nodded. “Let’s go find a table.”

As they walked away from the bar, Alex felt a hand landing suddenly on his shoulder, big and heavy, startling him.

“You don’t like?”

He and Miles both turned their heads to find a tall, dark-haired man, dressed in a dark-blue, expensive-looking velvet jacket. He looked at least fifty. He had pearly white teeth and wore a thick, golden chain around his neck. Miles glared at the way that the man was clutching at Alex’s shoulder boldly. 

“The champagne,” the man continued as they both failed to say a word, “you don’t like?” 

Before Miles got a chance to tell him off, Alex responded calmly:

“Sorry, mate. I don’t drink.” 

The man cocked an eyebrow at that, though he didn’t seem dissuaded. 

“What do you like? I buy your favourite drink for you,” sounded his offer then. He smiled broadly and studied Alex a little too closely for Miles’s liking. 

“Look, pal,” started the Scouse before he was cut off by the brunette.

“Orange juice. I like orange juice.” 

Miles gave his friend a furious look, though as soon as he saw the way that Alex was biting his lip in order to stop himself from laughing, he knew that he was taking the piss. 

“And your friend? I buy a drink for your friend as well.”

“Chocolate milk,” Miles uttered, wanting to contribute in making him look like an old fool. “Yeah. That’s me favourite.” 

The man finally let go of Alex and returned to the bar in order to get what they’d asked for. 

“Holy fuck, he’s actually doing it,” Miles whispered, pulling Alex aside. “Come on. Let’s leg it.”

“What are you talking about? I’m waiting for my drink,” replied the brunette impishly.

“Alex, no.”

“Oh, come on. It’s not like I’m gonna tongue the guy. It’s just a free drink.”

“It’s never just a free drink. Especially when the guy is a creep!” 

“What if Carmen had told Sofia the same thing about you?”

Before Miles could persuade him to hit the road, the man returned to them. He had an orange juice and a chocolate milk in each hand, resembling a proper cradle robber. 

“Thanks,” Alex told him simply as he accepted his drink and gave it a quick taste.

Miles accepted his too, though he didn’t touch it. 

“You dance very nicely,” spoke the man then, focusing on Alex as he inched closer. “I saw from across the room. Very pretty boy, you.” 

Alex merely sipped his drink, pretending not to have heard that. 

“My hotel is close nearby,” he went on, trying to wrap his arm around him. “I show you. I can get to know you.”

“Alright, that’s it,” Miles snapped with a sigh and put his chocolate milk down on the nearest surface. "I see where this is going. Alex, if you’re not stepping in, I am!” 

Alex tried his hardest to suppress his giggling, unable to keep a straight face.

“Fine,” Miles decided, “I’ll put a stop to this. Get your hands off my boyfriend!” 

“What?” The man choked, taking a step back, appearing more confused than intimidated. 

“That’s right! He’s mine!” Miles announced as he pulled Alex close to him and made a big deal out of grabbing the brunette’s arse for everyone to see. “See? He belongs to me. Don’t you ever touch him again.” 

Obviously, Alex chose this moment to burst into laughter. The man glared at him as he clasped a hand to his mouth, trying to silence himself. He was probably detecting the pretense, but Miles didn’t want to linger around in order to find out.

“You crossed the line, mister,” he shouted passionately whilst dragging Alex with him. “What are you doing hitting on someone thirty years younger than you, anyway? That’s well gross! Come on, baby, we’re out of here!” 

That night, Alex kept Miles awake with his laughing, rolling around in the double bed like he was high, though from the looks of it, he was only hyper from his orange juice. 

“The lads haven’t grabbed my arse that hard for years,” he slurred, wiping at his eyes as he was crying with amusement. “Did you see the look on that pervert’s face?” 

“Well, someone had to claim you before he did,” Miles pointed out, “for crying out loud, Al, stop stealing all the duvet!” 

“You know, I wasn’t going to let him do anything to me!” 

“Hm. I’m starting to think that the receptionist had a point when he warned you not to walk alone at night.”

“Huh?”

“You know. It’s like he said. I guess these dirty, old men love preying on young tourists.” 

“I don’t know, Mi. I think this bloke was harmless, despite being so daft. I hate to assume the worst about people.”

“Jesus,” Miles huffed as he rolled his eyes and yanked at the duvet, stealing it back, “sometimes you’re too bloody innocent for your own good.” 

 

XxX 

 

The next morning, Alex was about ready to eat his own words about believing the best in people when a sudden queasiness had him jolting awake and grasping suddenly at his stomach. He only just made it to the toilet before doubling over, falling to his knees and beginning to puke his guts out violently. 

Miles didn’t hear him until he was through with his fourth round of vomiting, though once he woke and was alerted of what was happening, he ran to Alex’s side, panicked at what he saw.

“Holy shit!” He gasped, squatting down next to his friend in order to hold his hair back just in time to see him lurching forward and retching into the toilet bowl again. “Alex! Are you okay?” 

Once he’d regained his breath, the brunette sniffled and sobbed:

“I think – I think he’s poisoned me! Oh my God – Mi, I feel like I’m dying…” 

“What?!” The Scouse felt a chill running down his spine. “Fucking Christ, are you serious? He spiked your drink?” 

“I – I don’t know…” Alex wept and grasped at his stomach delicately. “It – it won’t stop… I feel so sick.” 

“Let me get you some water. Hold on.” Miles was only gone for a second, but by the time he returned by the brunette’s side, he was barfing ceaselessly. “Fucking hell,” Miles muttered, unable to mask his concern. “Here. Drink it. Drink it, Alex, I’m serious. I’m going to go get the lads.”

“No!” Alex cried suddenly, reaching for his hand, all frightened. “Don’t leave me! Mi, please…” 

“Shh, it’s okay. They’re only next door.” However, when Miles saw the tears in his eyes, he changed his mind. “No, you’re right, I’ll ring for them instead. I’m not leaving you.” 

“H-hurry,” Alex hiccupped faintly, clutching around the toilet seat as though hanging on for dear life. 

Miles rang Jamie’s number, seeing as his name was first on the list. There was no answer. 

“Fuck’s sake,” Miles cursed under his breath, trying Matthew next. “Pick up, you morons. Come on.”

Matt only picked up after the phone had rung at least six or seven times. Miles was grinding his teeth with impatience. 

“Just a minute, I’m in the shower,” sounded the casual response before Miles could get a word in. “I’ll call you back in ten-“

“No!” Miles hollered stridently, making sure that his voice wasn’t drowned out by the sound of running water. “No, Matt – you have to come right now! Do you hear me? It’s Alex!” 

“Wait, what?” More noises came from the shower. The water was still running. “Alex, is this you?”

“No, it’s Miles! But this is about Alex!” Cried the Scouse frantically. “He needs you! I tried Jamie, but he’s not picking up…”

“Jamie and Nick went for breakfast already,” Matt told him. Finally, he could hear the water turning off. “Miles, what’s wrong? You sound-“

“Alex is really sick!” He exclaimed urgently, glancing over his shoulder to see the brunette slumping forward weakly, after which he heard more gagging. “He won’t stop puking, my bathroom’s a fucking mess! I – I think we might have to take him to the hospital…”

“What?!” He heard Matt slamming the cupboards shut as he, undoubtedly, rushed to get dry. “The hospital? What the fuck happened?”

“Just – just get your arse over here, Helders. He needs help!”

Miles hung up, hurrying back to his friend. He left his phone on the brink of the bathtub, in case he needed to call for an ambulance quick.

“Hey,” he said gently, “Matt is on his way. I think maybe we should take you to the emergency room, love. Just in case.” 

“Just in case what? That I’ve been poisoned?” Alex somehow paled even worse. “Holy shit – do you think they’re going to pump my stomach?” 

Before Miles could answer that, he heard frantic knocking on his door and he rushed to let Matt in. 

“Alex!” Matt exclaimed, pushing his way past Miles. “Where are you, love?” 

He only had to follow the sound of fresh vomiting. Miles watched the other man run towards the bathroom and had there been any room for amusement at this point, the Scouse would have smiled at the way that the drummer had only taken the time to wrap a towel around his naked waist.

Matt found Alex on the floor, crying woefully into the toilet bowl.

“Christ,” he uttered, “Alex? It’s me. I’m here.”

As soon as Matthew came up behind him and wrapped his arms around his body, Alex slumped against him. He then pressed his face against the bigger man’s shoulder, wetting him with his tears and snot as he continued to sob.

“Maffew – I’m dying,” he whined, trembling in his arms as to demonstrate his ailment. “I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have been so stupid.”

“Stupid?” Matt frowned with concern and held him closer. “What are you on about, darling? Why do you think you’re dying?” 

“There was a m-man last night. He hit on me, but I didn’t think he was a threat. We – we were just having a laugh… He watched us dance a-and bought us drinks. Mi told me to refuse it, but I drank some of it. H-he must have spiked it. My guts are churning. My stomach is cramping. I feel so dizzy… The man in the reception was right. I – I should have been more careful…” 

“That’s it. I’m ringing an ambulance,” Miles muttered in the background.

“No. Wait.” Matt’s face was suddenly blank. “Miles – go get my backpack in the other room. I need it.”

“What? Helders, did you hear what I just said?”

“Just do it, now. I left it by the window.” 

Alex whimpered and doubled over as his stomach began to cramp again. In the blink of an eye, though, Miles was back, handing over the backpack to Matt who seemed to know something that they didn’t. 

“Listen, love, do you think you can sit up?”

“What?”

“I know we said not to bring any. I know I was the one who didn’t want you to have to keep checking during this holiday, but…” The drummer went into his backpack and pulled out a small box. “Darling, I think we need to test you again.”

Alex felt the breath stopping in his throat when he recognised the pregnancy test kit in his lover’s hand. 

“Matt, n-no… I – I haven’t even been taking my injections…”

“Baby, you have the symptoms. Think about it.” 

Matt cupped his face and began to wipe at his tear-stained cheeks when Alex broke apart from him and lurched for the toilet bowl once again. In between his retching, he could hear Matthew telling Miles to give him some privacy for the testing. 

Struggling to stand up without being sick everywhere, he managed to pee into a plastic cup while staying balanced on his knees. He dipped the test in his urine and poured the rest of it out. The result showed almost immediately, though Alex knew he had to give it some time. Ten minutes later, the answer remained the same. With the two stripes appearing on the control line, his pregnancy was clear as day and yet, he almost couldn’t believe it. 

He had conceived during his and Matt’s make-up sex. He was pregnant. Pregnant. Not dying from poison.

Was it really supposed to feel this way? Like someone had made an attempt on his life?

Scrambling, he flushed the toilet and reached for Matthew’s backpack that had been left under the sink. He reached into it and found the small business card that had Dr Robinson’s phone number on it. He then crawled over to the bathtub where Miles had left his phone. 

“Hello? Dr Robinson? It’s Alexander Turner. Yes, it’s urgent. Okay, I’ll hold…”

Matt, who’d anxiously been waiting to hear from him, barged in through the door as soon as he heard talking.

“Alex,” he called in suspense, “what are you-“

He paused as his eyes landed on the pregnancy test that Alex had left next to his feet. He felt suddenly nailed to the floor. Miles came up behind him and traced his gaze towards the two-striped result. When Matthew remained frozen, the Scouse pushed past him and went to pick it up. 

“Holy shit,” gasped Miles, looking over at Matt. “Are you seeing what I’m seeing?” 

“It’s – it’s positive,” Matt responded breathlessly. He then rushed towards Alex who seemed more occupied with his phone call. “Love!” He cried, shaking the brunette lightly. “You’re pregnant! Do you hear me? You’re not ill – we’re having a baby!” 

Alex, still pale with nausea, merely shushed him and held the phone closer to his ear.

“Hello? Yeah, that’s right. Thanks for getting back to me. I – I’m going to need to book an appointment with you as soon as possible…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo... It only took me ten chapters to get to this point haha! 
> 
> Sorry for all the slow burns - I'm thinking the story will progress slightly faster in future. (But then again, maybe not?)
> 
> Thanks to all for reading xxx


	11. The Announcement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Matthew reacts to the big news. Nick and Jamie have yet to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So happy that I was able to update before February <3 As always, sorry for the wait. Also, I hope the story isn't too slow-paced as well, but I have a habit of doing that anyway :) 
> 
> Thanks to everyone for reading! xx 
> 
> (Btw, does anyone know if the rumours about Matt and Breanna are true? It came as such a shock to me!)

“What are you doing?” Matt interrupted his phone call eagerly. “Alex, did you hear me? You’re pregnant!” 

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Miles uttered again, perching himself on the brink of the bathtub. “I – I almost can’t believe it!” 

“Sorry, Dr Robinson, can you hold for a second?” Alex lowered the phone and eyed Matthew desperately. “Matt, we need to go back to England. I want to go home. I want to go to the clinic and get tested to make sure that everything’s okay-“

“Hey – easy, darling. One step at a time,” Matt laughed joyously as he took his lover’s face into his hands and rested his forehead against his own. “You’re – you’re pregnant! Let’s not get all practical before we’ve had a moment to celebrate.” 

“I know, but-“ 

Without warning, Matt pressed their lips together and kissed Alex boldly, being either too excited to notice or too polite to mention the lingering scent of bile. Alex pulled back and wiped his mouth, astonished. Even Miles was pulling faces with disgust, but Matt clearly didn’t give a damn. 

“You,” he breathed with emotion, holding the brunette’s face close to his own continuously, “you are the most amazing – the most magnificent, I – I can’t even tell you how happy I am and it’s all thanks to you. I love you, Alex. I love you, I love you, I love you…”

Alex stared into Matthew’s eyes and found himself smiling pathetically at the praises. He forgot about the doctor on the other end, about Miles, and almost about his-

“Wait! I have to…” The brunette’s expression fell as he gasped. Urgently, he pushed Matt away, handed him Miles’s phone and hurled himself back against the toilet bowl. 

The sound of his retching didn’t affect Matt at all.

“Hello – Dr Robinson – it’s Matthew Helders. He’s pregnant! We just took a test – he’s really pregnant!” The drummer got up from the floor and began to pace back and forth; restless with rapture. “Thank you! Thank you so much, I – I couldn’t be more thrilled! Huh? Oh, I’m sorry – he can’t come to the phone right now. He’s – oh, you can hear him? Yeah, he’s pretty nauseous. I almost thought we’d have to take him to the hospital. That’s why we took the test. He said he had stomach cramps…” 

While Matt appeared to be keeping the doctor updated, Miles poured Alex another glass of water and returned to take care of him. When Alex pulled back from the toilet bowl, his stomach emptied of its content, Miles held the glass to his lips and helped him to drink slowly. 

“Uh-huh,” Matt uttered in the background, “yeah, he just woke up like this, I guess. We were pretty worried for a moment. When did we…? Oh right. About a week ago. Is it normal for the symptoms to show this early?” 

With Miles stroking his hair soothingly, Alex drank again and managed to slump himself against the wall. He raised his head and followed Matthew’s every move.

“Tell her to make us an appointment,” he interfered stubbornly as soon as he regained his voice. “Maffew! We need an appointment…”

“Sorry, just a second,” Matt lowered the phone and glanced down at Alex. “Hm? Oh, let’s just get an appointment when we’re back, eh? Doesn’t that sound easier?”

“No,” Alex persisted, “get us one now! I want to go as soon as we’re back! I – I need to know if this is normal…”

“If what is normal? Your vomiting?”

At the idea of Matt belittling his sickness, Alex frowned. 

“Tell your doctor that he’s in a lot of discomfort,” Miles intervened, backing him up. “Surely his stomach shouldn’t be acting up like this if it’s only been a week.” 

His eyes boring into Matthew’s, Miles nodded suggestively in Alex’s direction. Surely, Matt couldn’t help but to notice how ashen and groggy the biliousness had made him.

“Actually, Dr Robinson, if you have time for a few questions… Great! Can I put you on speaker? Thank you. Just a sec.” The drummer removed the phone from his ear and tapped the speaker button. “Alex,” he said stretching out his arm, “tell the doctor how you’re feeling.”

Alex raised his head and swallowed. Miles kept rubbing his back in circles, trying to make him feel at ease. 

“I, uh – I feel pretty terrible at the moment. I can feel my guts contracting.” 

“Contracting?” Dr Robinson’s voice filled the room. “And this is the first time you’ve felt like this?”

“Y-yes,” Alex determined. “I felt fine yesterday.” 

“On a scale from one to ten, how painful is it, Mr Turner?” 

“It – it’s not so much that it’s painful. It’s more that – it feels like my body is reacting to some sort of infection. Like it’s trying to eject whatever is making me sick. Except, it’s not a virus, or a stomach bug. It’s the embryo, isn’t it? It feels like my body is trying to kill it off…”

Matt glared at him with horror, but Dr Robinson appeared less worried:

“I can assure you, your body is not going to kill off any embryo through means of vomiting. That is not going to happen.” 

“Are you sure?” Matt interfered anxiously. “Could it mean that he’s in risk of miscarrying?” 

“No, Mr Helders, I see no indication of that whatsoever. Calm down. Let me assure you both that it is considered common among carriers who have been under surgery to experience rather strong pregnancy symptoms. I must remind you, Mr Turner, that your body is still adapting to the changes. Your organs have already shifted slightly in order to make room.”

“Oh,” Alex uttered, staggered. “Wait – it’s not going to feel worse than this. Is it?” 

“Well, considering how early this is,” Dr Robinson told him honestly, “there is very little I can tell you with certainty until you’ve been in for an examination. However, I wouldn’t expect you to experience any proper morning sickness until you’re five or six weeks along.” 

“What?” Alex gaped. “You’re telling me this doesn’t even count as morning sickness?” 

“I’m afraid not,” she chuckled sympathetically. “It’s too early for that. The discomfort you’re feeling is more likely your body trying to cope with the sudden changes and the implication of… growth.”

“Bloody hell,” Alex muttered under his breath, mind-blown. 

“That being said,” the doctor continued, “there is medicine to help you through these first few weeks. I can prescribe you some pills to help you with the cramps and contractions in your stomach, but I can only give it to you in person. Come see me at the clinic as soon as you’re back from your holiday.” 

“I – I will,” stammered the brunette. “Thank you.” 

“And of course, I should remind you that you are free to stop taking your injections whenever you like.”

“Well – about that,” Alex eyed Matt purposefully as to spread out the sense of fault, “I guess you should know that I haven’t been taking any injections since getting here. In fact, I didn’t even bring the syringe kit with me.” 

“But you’ve fallen pregnant in the past week. You managed to get pregnant without taking your fertility drugs?” 

“Uh-huh, he sure did,” Matt cut in again, grinning proudly. “Pretty impressive, right?” 

“But I thought you had agreed to stop trying for a little while. I thought that was the whole purpose of your holiday…”

“I know – it was,” Alex assured her, blushing at the idea that she would call him out for being irresponsible. “We kind of didn’t plan for this to happen. It just… did.” 

Dr Robinson laughed suddenly – warmly.

“Well, then – without your injections, no wonder you’re body’s acting so out of balance,” she concluded, though without the judgment. “I am going to have to state the obvious, Mr Turner, and remind you to get plenty of rest. You’re not to skip any meals, even if you feel nauseous. You must also remember to keep hydrated. Avoid spending too much time directly in the sun. Is that clear?”

“Clear as day, Dr Robinson,” Matt spoke before Alex had the chance. “I will be by his side every hour to look after him, I promise.” 

“I don’t doubt it. Oh, and one more thing, Mr Turner.”

“Yes?” Alex uttered softly.

“Congratulations. And to you, Mr Helders. Are Mr Cook and O’Malley in the room with you?”

“They’re not,” Matt responded matter-of-factly. “Actually – we have yet to share the amazing news with them.”

 

XxX 

 

After hanging up the phone and handing it back to Miles, Matthew picked up Alex from the bathroom floor and carried him back to bed. 

“Do you feel any better, darling? I think the colour’s returning to your cheeks,” noted the drummer, feeling the smaller man’s forehead gently. 

“I don’t feel so nauseous anymore,” smiled Alex faintly, though clearly, he hadn’t regained his strength yet. “Mi, I’m really sorry for messing up your bathroom…”

“Are you kidding me?” Laughed the Scouse as he watched him. “The maids will be cleaning that up, if anything, you should apologise to them. Anyway, at least you made it to the toilet before you started spewing everywhere.” 

Matt lowered the brunette unto the mattress and jumped into bed with him. 

“I’m so glad that you’re getting better,” he remarked, hovering above him while Alex made himself comfortable. “God, I just wanna kiss you and hold you and…”

Matt pressed his face against Alex’s neck and began to ravish him playfully. 

“Matt, Mi is here…” Alex uttered, adding a tired giggle as he pushed his lover away. “This is his bed, remember.” 

“Oh, don’t mind me,” Miles responded cheekily, winking at the two men before him. “Honestly, I’m just so happy for you guys. I haven’t even been able to congratulate you yet. Shit, Al, you really had me worried for a moment. And then it turns out you’re pregnant. It’s – it’s absolutely wonderful…”

Matt glanced over his shoulder and smiled at the Scouse.

“I agree. It’s so wonderful.” He kissed Alex’s forehead, only to untangle himself a moment later when his phone made a noise. “Shit. Jamie’s texting me. They must be back from breakfast by now.”

“What’s he saying?” Alex questioned, chewing his bottom lip with worry. 

“He’s asking if I’m with you. He’s suggesting that we all meet up and go to the beach together in the next hour.” 

“I can’t go to the beach,” Alex said regrettably. “Even if I felt well enough, Dr Robinson told me to avoid the sun.”

“Fuck the beach,” grinned Matt as he wrapped his arm around him. “We’ll stay at the hotel. You should rest up and have a meal when you’re ready. Anyway, more importantly – we should think of a way to break the news to Jamie and Nick. I can’t wait to tell them!” 

“They are going to be so happy,” Miles agreed smilingly, “I bet Cookie bursts into tears.”

Matthew laughed.

“How about I get them to come in here?” He suggested eagerly. “I think you should be the one to tell them, love.”

“What? Now?” Alex jerked slightly. “Maffew, no – I’m too tired. Can’t it wait?”

“Wait?” The drummer pulled a baffled face. “Alex, I’m telling you – they are going to jump with joy…”

“Exactly,” remarked the brunette delicately. “I don’t think I can handle all the emotion right now. I feel so gross – and my stomach is killing me. I need to shower and freshen up. If they saw me like this, they would assume I’m ill.” 

“Oh. Right. I guess you could do with a break, huh? When do you want to tell them then?” 

“Later,” Alex told him simply, forcing a smile. “I just need to wrap my head around this.”

“Of course.” Matthew kissed him again. “I don’t mean to rush things. So, what now?”

“You should go distract them so that they don’t suspect. Tell them I’m still asleep. Maybe the three of you should go to the beach without me.” 

“Nuh-uh,” Matt shook his head. “I don’t want to be away from you. I’m not done celebrating. You’re carrying our baby!”

“I know,” Alex chuckled, pressing his hand down to his flat stomach. “I promise, we’ll celebrate later. But I need to rest. It’s okay. I’ll see you in an hour or two.” 

“You don’t want me to bring you some food?” 

“No, I’ll wait and then I’ll join you guys for lunch. Miles, too. Right, Mi?” 

“Of course,” beamed the Scouse, “count me in.” 

 

XxX

 

Miles had helped him to some more water before Alex went back to sleep. He had rested for about an hour when the other woke him up to tell him that he had drawn him a warm bath. 

“What time is it?” Alex rubbed his eyes exhaustedly. 

“It’s just before noon. The lads will be expecting to see us soon. How are you feeling?”

Languidly, Alex crawled out from the covers and stood on shaky legs.

“My stomach’s better,” he remarked tentatively. “And I think I’m even regaining my appetite.” 

“That’s good,” Miles smiled. “Come on. Get out of your clothes and feel the water. I promise it will freshen you up.” 

He was right. As soon as Alex dipped his toe and lowered the rest of his body into the tub, splashing and playing with the soapy bubbles surrounding him, he grew instantly lively and energetic. Miles perched himself on the brink, wanting to keep him company. 

“I can’t believe you’re pregnant,” he uttered suddenly, having observed Alex quietly for several moments. “I can’t believe there’s going to be a little foetus growing inside you soon. And you – you are going to grow big. Huge, even. You’ve always been tiny. I – I can’t even picture it.” 

Alex rolled his eyes at him and smirked – growing big was the least of his concerns right now. 

“I just hope I’m able to gain enough weight. How am I supposed to eat and stay healthy if I’m going to be puking my guts out from now on? Jesus, this is only the beginning. I’ve only been pregnant for a week and it’s already hit me like a ton of bricks.” Alex sighed and rested his back against the bathtub. “I had hoped I wouldn’t have a difficult pregnancy.” 

“Who said it’s going to be difficult? You heard what the doctor said – your body is out of balance and still adapting. You’ll get used to this. I know you will.”

Miles seemed so utterly positive about things, it actually made Alex feel reassured. 

“Can you even celebrate being pregnant when it’s only been a week?” The brunette snorted then. “There’s barely anything there. It hasn’t developed yet. Most pregnant women are further along before they find out. Aren’t they?” 

“How would I know?” Miles joked, shrugging. “Hey, come on – it doesn’t matter how early this is. However small that embryo inside you is, it was enough to make you sick as a parrot. You can already feel its presence.” 

“I guess,” Alex grinned. “I just don’t want Maffew to get too carried away. I should get tested at the clinic before we even make it official. So much can go wrong within these early stages…” 

“Al, love, please don’t tell me you’re thinking worst case scenario already…”

“I’m not! It’s just – he’s so excited. He’s forgetting that… that…”

“That what?” 

“That the world isn’t always perfect. You don’t always get what you want. Like – he’s so eager to tell Jamie and Nick, but he hasn’t once thought of the possibility that they might not react the way that he did.” 

Miles’s expression grew slightly more serious, though he didn’t want to give in to the brunette’s catastrophizing.

“They are not going to care that the baby doesn’t have their DNA, love,” he remarked boldly, reading his friend’s every thought. “They will still love him or her as their own. You’re certain that it’s Matt’s baby, right?”

“Yeah.” Alex’s lips stretched into a small smile. “I’m certain. I tested myself a million times before we left home. I definitely wasn’t pregnant when we came here. And he’s the only one I cancelled our ‘break’ with, so…” 

“Still. You guys always knew that your baby could only ever have two biological fathers, not four,” Miles reminded him. 

“It’s not that,” Alex sighed. “It’s all the secrecy. They still don’t know that Matt and I had sex. They weren’t given a fair chance to – ahem – be part of it, because we did it behind their backs. If I were them, I would feel cheated.” 

“Alex, love, listen to me. One week ago, you were heartbroken at the idea that, maybe, you would never conceive at all. One week ago, you were calling yourself a failure and lashing out at Matt for even talking about kids. And now, here you fucking are!” The Scouse paused to offer him a big grin. “You performed the miracle! You’re going to be a daddy!” 

Those words had Alex falling breathless. 

“A daddy…” He repeated disbelievingly.

“Fucking right!” Miles laughed loudly. “And because of you, Matt, Nick and Jamie are going to be daddies, too! And tell you what – they are going to love you for it!” 

Alex froze, stirred with emotion. He tried to subtly blink away the tears that had started to form in his eyes, but Miles was suddenly jumping to his feet, his arms raised high above his head as he cheered:

“You’re having a baby! Matt was right – we need to fucking celebrate! Come on!”

He immediately stormed out of the bathroom, leaving Alex behind feeling bewildered and strangely excited. 

“Mi?”

He climbed out of the tub and wrapped a towel around his waist. When he exited through the door, he looked up to see Miles bouncing dangerously on the bed, up and down repeatedly, making the bed frame creak and squeak beneath his feet. 

“Come on, love,” called the Scouse, cackling with amusement, “say it with me! You’re having a baby!” 

Alex laughed at what he saw. Watching Miles jump up so high that he nearly bumped his head against the ceiling, he couldn’t help but to find his joy contagious. 

“Don’t just stand there – you’re going to be a daddy!” Shouted Miles then. “Let me hear it, boy!” 

“I’m – I’m going to be a daddy,” Alex smiled, wrapping his arms around himself. 

“Louder! I can’t hear you!” The other man teased him, jumping continuously. “Who’s going to be a daddy?”

“I am!” Alex responded, louder this time.

“Who?”

“I’m going to be a daddy! I’m going to be a daddy!”

“Damn right you are! Come on – join me!”

Alex stepped onto the bed cautiously, letting Miles take his hand. 

“I’m pregnant!” He hollered, bouncing slowly while Miles helped him stay balanced. “I’m actually pregnant! I never thought it would happen, but it did!” 

The two of them continued to hold each other’s hands and jump with joy until a message came in on Alex’s phone, which turned out to be Matt reminding him that Jamie and Nick were ready to meet up for lunch.

 

XxX 

 

He threw on a clean t-shirt, brushed his teeth and borrowed Miles’s deodorant as he was in too much of a rush to relocate his own. 

“I’ll be down in ten,” Miles told him before going in the shower, “Don’t let them order without me!” 

Alex left the room and took the lift down to the ground floor where Matthew stood waiting.

“There you are, my love! Come here.” He was pulled into the bigger man’s arms and kissed deeply for the second time today. “You seem better. Let me feel your forehead.”

“It’s okay,” Alex grinned, “I think I’m back to normal, thanks. Where are Jamie and Nick?” 

“They are outside, hogging one of the good tables. I managed to find you one in the shade. I know you were told to avoid the sun.” 

“That’s amazing. Thanks, love.” 

“Have you thought more about telling them?”

Matt gave the brunette a significant look.

“I don’t know,” Alex hesitated. “Wouldn’t it be weird to make the announcement in public? This place is so busy.” 

“You’re right,” Matt smiled patiently. “We should make it more private. We’ll only tell them when you feel ready.” 

He took Alex’s hand and the brunette followed him outside to the patio. There, in the far corner of the terrace, Nick and Jamie were sat at a table shaded underneath a large canopy, looking like they had been anticipating his arrival eagerly. 

Alex practically sprinted towards them.

“Nick!” He cheered as the bassist stood up to embrace him first. “I missed you guys so much!”

Before Nick could stop him, Alex was kissing his face all over. 

“Woah there, sweetie,” laughed the bigger man, startled by the obvious display of affection. “Settle down. Are you okay?” 

“I’ve never been better,” beamed the brunette who broke apart from him in order to move onto Jamie.

“You seem so… excited,” noted the blonde who held Alex tight before taking a second look at him. “Come here, give us a kiss.”

Alex kissed him without hesitation. 

“Why wouldn’t I be excited? I’ve had the most wonderful holiday on this beautiful island, surrounded by the people I love the most…” 

“I know, it’s just – a few days ago you seemed really stressed,” remarked Jamie tentatively.

“He must have had a lot of fun with Kane,” added Nick jokingly. “Speaking of – I thought he was joining us?”

“He’ll be down in a few minutes,” Alex uttered grinningly. “Can we order some drinks soon? I’m dead thirsty.” 

“Here, love. I already got you some lemonade.” Matt pulled out Alex’s chair, gesturing for him to take a seat. “If you don’t like it, the waiter will be back to take our orders in a moment.” 

“Oh no, I love lemonade,” smiled the brunette as he sat down and allowed for Matt to push his chair in. “Thanks, baby – this is just what I need.” 

“Are you comfortable?” The drummer asked, kissing his cheek. “Let me know if there’s anything you need.” 

Jamie and Nick watched the two, completely taken aback with Matt’s fussiness and apparent protectiveness. 

“How come you didn’t push in the chair for any of us?” Nick remarked teasingly, though luckily, he didn’t seem offended. 

“I think someone’s trying to make amends,” Jamie said suggestively. 

“What’s that?” Matthew’s head snapped up. 

“Oh come on, we know you guys have been fighting,” elaborated the blonde. “Alex, we know there was a reason for you moving into Miles’s room.” 

“Oh.” Alex took a sip from his lemonade, unsure of what to say. “I mean – I didn’t exactly stay in Mi’s room to get away from anyone. I just thought I… needed a bit of space. Matt and I are fine.”

“We’re better than fine,” smirked the drummer as he sat down next to the brunette. “Seriously, I hope you guys haven’t been worrying about us.”

“Well, how could we not be?” Nick huffed. “For days, Al was so pissed off with you, he could barely even look at you.”

Alex eyed Matthew cautiously, feeling suddenly embarrassed to be reminded of all the drama he’d caused.

“Well, Alex had every right to be mad at me,” decided Matt as he took a hold of the smaller man’s hand and squeezed it tightly. “I was being selfish and oblivious. I overlooked the fact that he was having a hard time. Instead of being there for him, I made matters worse.” 

“But – I shouldn’t have been so childish about it,” Alex told them in addition, looking into Matt’s eyes. “I should have used my words instead of keeping all the frustration to myself. We all came here to unwind, but I wasted so much of this holiday feeling sorry for myself.”

Matt leaned in to kiss him again and Alex knew that this was his way of telling him that it was alright, that he was sorry, too. 

“I can’t believe our holiday is almost over,” Nick sighed then, wrapping his arm around Jamie’s shoulders. “We’re leaving the day after tomorrow, it’s too soon. I don’t want to go back to rainy England. This place is a paradise…”

“I know, I get emotional just thinking about it,” Jamie agreed. “In fact, I could cry right now.”

“I knew it! I knew he would cry! I told you guys, didn’t I?” 

Alex and Matt both jerked at the sound of Miles’s voice; he appeared swiftly behind them, making them feel like he had popped right out of the blue. Alex spun around to see the Scouse pulling a chair over from an empty table nearby, and whilst carrying that megawatt grin on his face, Miles joined them, clueless as to what they were talking about.

Alex’s smile faded with dread as he realised the misunderstanding.

“Mi... Wait a sec…” 

“Sorry for making you fellows wait, but I thought you would be chuffed to have a moment of privacy,” continued Miles, still unaware, “I believe a congratulations is in order…”

“Miles, stop!” Uttered Alex helplessly, clutching at his friend’s arm. “Don’t…”

“Don’t what?” Interrupted Jamie, eyeing Miles and Alex suspiciously. “What is he talking about? Do I have a reason to cry?” 

Miles froze then, realising that Alex and Matt had decided to keep the news to themselves.

“You… you haven’t told them?”

Matt hid his face behind his hands and shook his head. 

“No. Clearly, we haven’t,” he retorted.

“Well – what were you talking about, then?” Spluttered Miles, looking around the table, mortified. 

“We were talking about how sad we are to leave on Friday,” Alex informed him quietly, avoiding Nick and Jamie’s gazes. “It’s okay. You didn’t know.” 

“Alright, what’s going on, guys?” Nick prodded gently, looking slightly fearful. “Is something wrong?” 

Matt suddenly broke out giggling. 

“No,” he wheezed, removing both hands from his face. “No, actually – we have news. Amazing news.”

“You do?” 

“Yeah,” Matt laughed again. “It’s just… We just didn’t think we’d be telling you guys in a public place, but I guess right now is as good a time as any. Alex,” he said, placing his hand on the brunette’s thigh, “do you want to tell them? Or should I?”

Alex felt almost too staggered to respond.

“Right. Uh…” Matt’s hand moved further up his thigh. He caught Miles staring at him with a huge smile on his face and he knew there was no going back from this. “So, the thing is…”

Nick and Jamie both leaned in across the table, looking like they were holding their breaths. 

“What?” Jamie whispered. “Tell us.” 

“I, uh – I’m pregnant.” Alex swallowed a lump in his throat and waited a moment before adding: “We found out this morning.” 

At first, all sound seemed to fade out, leaving Alex to wonder if he’d actually spoken the words out loud. Then the looks on their faces began to slowly change and he could tell by looking into their eyes that both men were then processing the information with a tinge of shock and disbelief. 

Nick’s mouth had fallen open with astonishment. 

“Oh my god,” he breathed, his voice quivering slightly. “Alex, I…”

He was interrupted when a waiter returned to their table, asking to take their orders. 

“Sorry, mis amigos, it’s been a busy day! What can I get you?”

“I’m sorry – could you give us another minute?” Nick responded with a hint of annoyance, though when the waiter glared at him for wasting his time, Matt intervened:

“No, it’s okay – we should order now. He hasn’t eaten all day and it’s important that he eats,” he said, wrapping his arm around Alex. “Let’s just get this out of the way, eh? I’ll have a diet coke and the mini pizza. With pepperoni. Thanks, mate.”

“No problemo,” the waiter muttered under his breath as he began to take notes. “And you, sir?”

He looked at Alex next, but the brunette, too, felt caught in a state of distraction. 

“Oh. I’ll have the…” Alex glanced at his menu quickly. “Chicken paella. Cheers.” 

“Spaghetti carbonara,” Miles said subsequently, adamant not to waste anyone’s time. “And a Corona. Bottled.” 

Nick had barely taken his eyes off Alex, but he forced himself to skim through his menu. 

“The tuna sandwich, please. With chips.” 

Last but not least, Jamie looked at the waiter through teary eyes and choked:

“I’ll just have the prawn cocktail… I had a big breakfast.”

The waiter stopped when he noticed the blonde’s tears.

“Sir, is everything okay?” 

“I’m fine,” sobbed Jamie, gesturing for everyone to ignore him. “I have something in my eye, is all.”

Miles giggled as he nudged Alex with his elbow.

“I told you he was going to wail, didn’t I?” 

 

XxX

 

“You’re pregnant? I mean – you’re really pregnant?” Nick released a small laugh, after which he slapped a palm to his forehead disbelievingly. “H-how? I mean – are you sure?” 

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Alex told him smilingly, pressing a hand against his stomach again without even realising. “We took a test. It’s positive.” 

“We?” Nick suddenly glanced over at Matt. “You were with him?” 

“He sure was,” interrupted Miles grinningly, “because guess what? He was the only one who picked up the phone when I called you!” 

“What?” Sniffled Jamie, who was now wiping his eyes in his napkin. “You tried to call us?”

“Of course I did. I woke up and found Al on his knees on my bathroom floor, puking over and over again. I freaked out and thought I needed to get him an ambulance,” chuckled the Scouse whilst ruffling the brunette’s hair fondly, “this little diva here thought he’d been poisoned until I got through to Matt. He rushed over to check up on him and it was his idea to take a test.” 

“Shit,” uttered Nick worriedly, “I had no idea you’d been sick.”

“Are you okay?” Jamie sounded anxious. “Should we call Dr Robinson?” 

“I already did,” Alex appeased him, “she seems to think that this is normal. It’s just that this is all a lot for my body to adjust to. I feel better now, anyway. Thank god Maffew and Miles were there to help me, or I would have had a very awkward conversation with the local doctors.” 

“I’m so thankful I brought a pregnancy test just for safety,” added Matt while pressing a kiss to Alex’s cheek. “I was worried that it was too early to get a clear result, but it was positive. One hundred percent positive.”

“Wait a minute,” Jamie blubbered, “if you’re suffering from morning sickness, you must be, like, at least four weeks pregnant. How come the tests haven’t been positive until now?” 

Alex opened his mouth without knowing what to say. He sensed how Matthew, too, seemed to hesitate. This time, he was more than happy when their waiter returned with their drinks, offering him the perfect opportunity to dodge the question until they were once again alone.

“Gracias,” Miles muttered as his beer was placed before him. “Actually, guys, you’ll have to excuse me for a moment. I think I need the loo.” 

Alex knew that Miles was trying to respectfully give them a chance to talk, but he still didn’t feel any easier having to explain the situation. Jamie and Nick had been left unaware for much too long. 

“Actually, it wasn’t quite morning sickness,” he told them tentatively once the waiter, too, had vanished. “It’s too early for that. In fact, I’m only one week along.” 

They both fell quiet. Just like Alex had feared, they were watching him with confusion, waiting for him to explain himself. 

Matt, however, came to his rescue. 

“I know what you guys are thinking,” said the drummer gently, “we weren’t supposed to keep trying. We all agreed to abstain from having sex while we’re here, I know, but… That night, one week ago – I followed Alex to our hotel room and I hadn’t even realised how badly I had hurt him. I found him there, alone and upset. He was furious with me and I was terrified. I had no idea what I had put him through, how much I had asked of him while being completely selfish about things. I thought I could have lost him forever if I didn’t make things right…”

Matt paused and Alex looked at him full of concern and regret.

“Maffew,” he said, “you really thought you were going to lose me? No. I may have been mad at you – furious, even – but I would never…” 

“I’m not trying to pity or excuse myself. I let you down, love. And I’m still not sure if I’ve truly made it up to you yet, despite the fact that we…” 

He couldn’t finish his sentence. Alex wrapped his arms around him silently, devastated to see the effect their argument still had on him.

“I love you,” whispered the brunette tenderly. “And I’m sorry for what was said. I shouldn’t have yelled at you, or pushed you away. I shouldn’t have tried to punish you.” 

Nick watched the two of them intensely, finally putting the pieces together.

“It’s Matt’s baby,” he said quietly, without a trace of doubt in his voice. “You had sex the night that you were fighting. Didn’t you, love?” 

Alex nodded, sniffling as he broke apart from Matthew. 

“We didn’t mean to break the rules. We weren’t even thinking about trying to conceive, in fact, I haven’t been taking my injections, so I never in a million years thought I would get pregnant. Not that night, anyway.” Alex felt warm tears spilling down his cheeks and he struggled to continue. “It just… happened. We were acting on impulse. We weren’t thinking.” 

“Alex,” Jamie murmured softly, “why are you crying?” 

“I – I don’t know.” The brunette shrugged helplessly. “I’m just… I’m sorry we kept it all from you. It feels… wrong. You guys were supposed to be part of this. You had a system. You were supposed to take turns, so you all had a fair chance of being the father. I feel like I’ve robbed you of that. You guys weren’t even in the room with us. I – I should have stopped myself, but I was just so worried that I had screwed things up with Maffew. I told him I hated him. I said so many terrible things. And then, before I knew it, he was kissing me. He was forgiving me. It felt like such a relief to be in his arms again. I needed to be close to him so bad, I didn’t even stop to ask myself if we were doing something wrong…” 

He felt his voice trembling and forced himself to stop. God, why were they having this talk with so many people surrounded them? It was pure agony. 

“Alex,” Nick butted in soothingly, reaching for his hand. Alex took it. “Are you sorry to be pregnant?”

Alex cleared his voice and wiped at his nose.

“N-no,” he admitted quietly. “I just didn’t mean to-“

“Are you sorry that Matt is going to be the father of our baby?”

Alex eyed Nick with surprise. He then looked over at Matthew – beautiful, kind, wonderful Matthew – who had held him while he was sick and had kissed him with joy while the vomit was still lingering on his breath. 

“No,” he whispered decisively. “I’m not.”

Nick offered him a small grin.

“Good. Neither am I, so you have absolutely nothing to cry about. You’re pregnant! We’re having a baby. Don’t you see, love? There’s no way that you could have ever excluded me and Jamie from this. We’re going to be a family!” 

Suddenly, Nick was by his side and he was pulling him into his arms, holding him tight. 

“So – you’re happy about this?” Finally, Alex dared to smile again. 

“Are you crazy?” Exclaimed Nick, grinning from ear to ear. “Baby, I – I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy in my entire life! We’re going to be parents!” 

Alex pressed his face against Nick’s shoulder. When he opened his eyes next, Jamie was moving across the table in order to take part in the celebration. 

“We’re going to be parents,” the blonde whispered, repeating Nick’s words, “I don’t care how, I don’t care who – Alex, I just want you to know that nothing, and I mean nothing, could make this anything but perfect. I’m so grateful.” 

Jamie wiped at the brunette’s tears. In their eyes, it didn’t matter what rules had been broken; not as long as this was the happy outcome that they had all been waiting for. 

“I kinda always hoped that when it happened, we would have a moment like this,” Alex sniffled as he laughed through his tears, “this is exactly how I pictured it.” 

Jamie wrapped his arm around him and kissed his forehead. 

“I can’t believe there’s a little foetus growing inside you right now,” he gushed, eyeing Alex’s stomach as if there was anything to see. “Does it feel weird?”

“Jamie, there’s barely anything to feel yet,” Alex grinned, rolling his eyes at him. “It’s super early, remember?” 

“Right. Fucking hell. I can’t even imagine how small our baby is at this stage.” 

“You can’t call it a baby yet,” Alex corrected him again, “I mean, technically you can’t. Anyway, just remember that you shouldn’t get too attached. It’s too soon for that.”

“Too soon? But how could I not get attached?” Jamie cried, keeping his eyes on Alex’s flat stomach. “That’s our future daughter or son in there.” 

“I just meant – I haven’t been seen by a doctor yet. I’m sure that everything is fine, but these first few weeks can be tricky. You know that right now, I have a higher risk of losing it.” 

Jamie stiffened and Alex almost regretted his words. 

“Oh, come on, darling,” Matthew said tenderly in order to fill both the blonde and the brunette with confidence. “That is not going to happen. With a strong baby daddy like you...” 

“Two. You mean two,” added Nick as he looked at the drummer significantly, “with two strong, loving baby daddies like you both – how could we possibly have anything to fear?” 

Matt fell silent as he took in Nick’s praise.

“Guys, I – I’m not going to be the father any more than you are. I just want you to know that I’m-“

“Stop,” Nick begged him then, sniggering lightly at the way that the common tone kept changing back to not only tiringly dramatic, but mawkishly sentimental. “You both need to stop doing that. No more explaining. Please. Can we just for one moment count ourselves lucky and just… rejoice?” 

“But I…”

Matt was interrupted by Jamie.

“I agree! No more apologising, and no more buts.” The blonde smiled wide and placed himself before Matthew’s chair. “You did it, Matthew. You started the family you always wanted,” he said as he kissed his lips. “Congratulations, my love.” 

 

XxX 

 

The afternoon was exceptionally hot and Alex once again retired in order to avoid the sun. He had dosed off on top of Miles’s bed, but awoke to the sound of the balcony door opening. Yawning quietly, he stretched his limbs and raised his head, finding the Scouse hunched over the balcony railing with a cigarette in his hand. 

“You have no idea how bad I miss those,” he uttered, causing Miles to jerk with surprise.

“Jesus,” he groaned, turning himself around, “I thought you were still asleep. You were drooling all over my pillow just a second ago.”

“I was not,” protested the brunette as he rubbed his eyes delicately. “Have you been out? You’ve changed your shirt.” 

Miles took a moment to exhale, blowing out the smoke in the direction of the wind, making sure that it wouldn’t reach Alex.

“I went to see Sofia again. I’m taking her out for dinner tonight. I told her that we’ll be leaving soon, so we’ve exchanged numbers. In case she wants to stay in touch.” 

“I thought you said it was a one-time thing.” Alex couldn’t help but to grin at his friend. “What made you change your mind?” 

“Oh, you know…” Miles shrugged and inhaled again. “I’m not even sure, but – I guess everyone’s moving forward. Doing something meaningful with their life. Maybe I was a bit hasty to call it a one-night stand. Maybe I was being a little too aloof…”

Alex cocked an eyebrow and rolled himself off the mattress lazily.

“Miles, you are doing plenty meaningful things with your life,” he assured him whilst stretching his back carefully. “Besides, if you’d rather have fun without making any commitments, that’s what you should do. I don’t want you to change who you are…” 

“Easy for you to say now that you’ve got a bun in the oven,” joked the other man, without malice. “I mean, what could possibly be more meaningful than what you’re doing right now? Growing a life inside you.” 

Alex approached him.

“So, what, just because I’m pregnant, it means you’re wasting your life? Mi, that’s ridiculous-“

“Hey, don’t come any closer,” interrupted the Scouse, removing the cigarette from in between his lips. “Passive smoking – you know, I don’t want to expose you…”

“God, it’s going to be so long before I can have drag again,” sighed the brunette pitifully as he watched his friend stomping out the cigarette with the heel of his shoe. 

“Are you seriously moaning right now?” 

“No. I don’t know.” Alex shrugged innocently. “I’m still getting used to things, remember.” 

Miles just grinned as he pinched his sunglasses off the hem of his shirt and placed them over the bridge of his nose.

“So you’re spending tonight with Sofia. I think that’s great.” 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I just want you to do what makes you happy.”

The Scouse looked at him with amusement.

“You just want to be back in your boyfriends’ bed so you can get laid,” he teased him in return.

Alex bit his lip and tried to hide his smirk.

“Well – that, too.” 

 

XxX 

 

“Since you guys already spent some quality time together without inviting us to the party, we thought that perhaps this arrangement was more than fair,” said Nick as he and Jamie had made the suggestion that, seeing as Miles hadn’t returned from his little trip to Sofia’s room, Matthew could spend the night alone in his bed while they, as a way of making amends, had Alex in their bed in order to make up for lost time. 

“So you’re giving me a taste of my own medicine and keeping Alex to yourselves?” Initially, Matthew’s response was skeptical. “I thought we were past keeping counts.”

“Yeah, but you did lie to us,” Jamie reminded him. Despite having forgiven them for their secrecy, he and Nick appeared to have decided that there could still be consequences. “We had a rule about not having sex, and you broke it.”

“Do you really not think you deserve a punishment for that?” Added Nick playfully as he brought Matt close to him and began to run his lips along his neck. “Besides – if you take your punishment like a good boy, you might just get rewarded later.” 

Matt looked at him doubtfully, though when Nick brought his tongue to use and sucked at his skin, just the way the drummer liked it, he surrendered. 

“You better make that reward worth it in the end,” he hummed as he reached around the other man’s back, grabbing his arse. “Alex is pregnant with my baby-“

“Our baby,” Jamie corrected him.

“– and you make me sleep alone in the other room, away from him?” Matt slapped Nick’s bum lightly. “Cruel. Absolutely cold-hearted, guys.” 

Nick let out a chuckle, after which he kissed Matthew’s lips gently.

“I think you’ll be fine. You should allow me and Jamie a bit of fun.” 

“So, what, Alex broke the rule, too, but he only gets rewarded? Is that really how we’re playing this?” 

“He’s pregnant,” uttered Jamie, like this fact was self-explanatory. “He’s not getting punished for anything.” 

And so, Matthew spent the night in Miles’s abandoned double bed, watching Die Hard on the telly while eating out of a tub of chocolate ice cream with a plastic spoon that he had nicked from the lobby. Every now and again, he thought that he could hear voices from behind the wall and, worse yet, moans, though the truth was, Alex had been apprehensive at the idea of having sex so early in his pregnancy; his fear of doing something wrong and putting himself at risk had left him somewhat unwilling. 

“We don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for yet,” Jamie had whispered to him as Alex tensed up in his and Nick’s arms. “We just want to spend some time with you. Make you feel good.” 

“I’m sorry, guys – I know I’m overreacting,” sighed the smaller man as he forced himself to relax. “I feel fine. I don’t know why I keep worrying that something’s gonna happen.” 

“I guess that’s exactly what parenthood is all about. Overprotectiveness, I mean,” joked Nick, smoothing Alex’s hair back with his hand in order to help him calm down. “Ask Jamie – he knows.” 

Jamie rolled his eyes at that, though he kept his attention on the brunette. 

“All you need is to switch off and stop overthinking it,” advised the blonde, trailing his fingers across Alex’s naked chest affectionately. “Maybe we can help you with that.” 

Alex nodded as if to silently tell the other men ‘yes, please’ – he was in urgent need of their support. 

“Come here,” responded Nick, sensing his hardship. He guided Alex onto his back while gently tucking at his underwear, wanting to strip him fully naked. “Take a deep breath. Let us take care of you.” 

Jamie leaned in to kiss him and Alex wrapped an arm around the back of his neck, inviting the blonde closer until he was on top of him, making him feel sheltered. Jamie cupped his face and let the kiss grow slow, dragging out every movement of tongue, every brush of lips, and teeth.

“Feeling better?” Jamie whispered in between quick pecks as he caught Alex’s bottom lip with his own. 

The brunette nodded eagerly and took in a deep breath as though readying himself to continue. 

“I missed this.” His voice was faint and needy. 

“So did we, baby,” uttered Nick as he continued to lower the brunette’s underwear until they were sliding off of his ankles. He then trailed a few lazy kisses down his chest before dragging his tongue against his nipple – against that tiny, hardened, little bud of his – licking it deliberately, licking it raw until Alex started to writhe. “I’m so glad you’re finally back in our bed.” 

“Do you miss Matthew?” Jamie asked him suddenly, and before Alex could respond, the blonde stuck his tongue back inside his mouth, causing him to sigh heavily while the kiss deepened. When they broke apart, Jamie saw his own spit glistening wetly on the smaller man’s lip. He traced it with the tip of his finger before shoving it back inside the brunette’s mouth. “Do you wish Matthew was here, too?” He added, watching with fascination as Alex sucked his finger submissively. 

“Mm…” The brunette let out a muffled sound, causing Jamie to pull his finger back out. “Yes, I miss him. But I’m sure you can make me forget…” 

Nick grinned impishly as he played with those long, slightly curly strands of hair, brushing them away from Alex’s face.

“Or maybe,” he suggested, pressing his lips against his lover’s ear briefly, “maybe we don’t want you to forget about him at all.” 

“Hm?” Alex took another deep breath, feeling Nick’s hand travelling down his thigh purposefully. 

“Tell me, darling – what do you miss about him?” Nick smiled innocently, even as he reached for his semi-erection and caused Alex to jerk by wrapping his fingers around him. “His big cock? His big hands on your body? His balls slapping against you while he fucks you?”

Nick stroked him without further warning and Alex arched his back, gasping with surprise. 

“I think he misses all of those things,” remarked Jamie, smiling as he witnessed Alex growing harder in Nick’s hand. “Let’s remind him some more.” 

“How did it feel, getting impregnated by his huge cock?” Nick teased again, stroking Alex in a soft rhythm. “How did it feel having him inside you?” 

Alex gasped again, louder this time. His eyes fluttered shut, but he could still feel Jamie looming over him.

“How long did it take for him to make you cum?” The blonde joined in, watching him from above as he caressed his face gently. “Did he make you beg first?” 

“Give us a little detail,” pleaded Nick who knew that he had full control over him; Alex began to roll his hips slightly, as if to thrust himself harder into his hand. “Tell us – how did he fuck you when he got you pregnant? Please. Share it with us.” 

The brunette hissed with want, too focused on his pleasure to be able to string his words together. 

“Did you ride him?” Prompted Jamie, curious as he hazarded a guess. “Did you sit in his lap while you fucked yourself on his cock?” 

Nick picked up his rhythm and began to fondle him with motivation. Alex clenched and twisted beneath them both, desperate for more. 

“N-no…” He whimpered finally, inviting the blonde to take another guess. “It was better than that.” 

“Better you say?” If he hadn’t had their attention before… “Tell me, darling,” groaned Jamie as he licked his own lips, “did you go on your knees for him? Did he fuck you while you were down on all four?” 

When Alex squirmed yet again and let out a moan, Jamie brought his hand down between his legs and pressed his index finger against his entrance tauntingly. 

“Oh god,” whined the smaller man, realising exactly what he needed, “Jameh – please…”

“Answer my question, sweetheart. Did he fuck you on your hands and knees?” 

“No,” gulped the brunette as he swallowed hard. “No – better yet…”

“Tell us,” grunted Nick, smirking as he felt an ounce of pre-cum coating his fingers. “How did he have his way with you?” 

“He – he threw me up against the wall…” Alex inhaled sharply, suppressing his cry when Jamie penetrated him with his finger and began to drive in and out of him. “We were face to face… He lifted me off the ground. M-my feet were wrapped around his waist, and he carried me…” 

“Oh, fuck,” muttered Nick, struggling to contain his excitement, “that sounds so hot.”

“We had been fighting so – everything was wild. Heated.” Alex bit his lip, feeling Nick’s sudden erection pressing against his thigh. “My back kept hitting against the wall. He was rough. His fingers dug into the back of my thighs so hard, it left me with bruises. He had me crying for more almost immediately.”

Jamie made a guttural sound. He, too, was enjoying the story. Sensing that Alex was opening up to him, almost to the point of being able to self-lubricate, he decided to add a second finger as he fucked the smaller man’s hole fast and deep. 

Alex choked, though he forced himself to continue.

“He drowned my moans with kisses. His mouth was covering mine the whole time… I almost couldn’t breathe. The lack of oxygen, it gave me a head rush. Like I was high. And in the meantime, he pushed into me, gently at first. Then, as he went deep, it felt like he was splitting me in half.” 

Jamie buried his fingers fully inside him and Alex whimpered evidently. 

“He was bigger than this, wasn’t he?” Teased the blonde as he threatened to add a third finger. “He was a lot bigger than what you feel right now. But you can take it. Can’t you, love?” 

Nick jerked his member enthusiastically, as if to agree with this suggestion. Alex lost his breath again and panted frantically. 

“Y-yes,” he begged. He was rock-hard and they were both bringing him closer. “Please.” 

Jamie added more of himself inside him, stretching the brunette further open, bruising against his inner walls while Nick continued to take him higher and higher. And Alex, despite his cries and his wriggling, kept babbling, describing the way that Matthew had impaled him so hard, he thought that he could taste him in the back of his mouth. At the idea of Matthew having fucked him so brutally and relentlessly, Nick buckled and began to rut against the brunette, using his body for friction. In the end, while Jamie was four fingers deep, leaving Alex to claw at his pillow and tremble helplessly, the bassist managed to somehow stroke both himself and his lover, too aroused to settle for anything less. Alex, needless to say, didn’t last long, but with the pleasure he was receiving from both men, who could have expected him to. Nick sniggered in triumph as he felt the smaller man ejaculating into the palm of his hand, and it wasn’t long before he, too, found himself pushed over the edge. Jamie was late to join the party, though when he finally touched himself and climaxed from stimulation, he aimed his load directly onto Alex’s naked torso, as if to actively smear and mark his pregnant belly with his seed.

 

XxX

 

On the morning of their departure, Alex was back to doubling over in pain, so busy puking that Nick had to pack his suitcase for him while Matt rang for a taxi and Jamie helped him in the shower. They took turns helping him to brush his teeth, dry his hair and get dressed; every time Alex thought he was close to finishing a job, he was seized with yet another wave of nausea and he couldn’t keep from falling to his knees in surrender. 

“The taxi will be here in ten minutes,” announced Matt while the smaller man was still emptying his guts into the toilet bowl. “Do you think you’ll be okay to leave soon?” 

“You really should eat something before we go,” Jamie reprimanded him, as if Alex was in any condition to keep his food down. “We won’t have time at the airport.” 

The brunette wanted to scream at them all.

There was a knock on their door and Miles popped his head in, assuming they were all ready to check out. 

“Come on, you guys, the queue in the reception is huge and we-“ The sound of Alex’s vomiting echoed through the room. “Oh, Christ. Not again.”

When they boarded their flight a couple of hours later, Alex felt like withering with humiliation as he removed his sunglasses while his passport was inspected. He was aware of his own bloodshot eyes and ashen skin colour, and of the way that he was radiating utter misery. One of the flight attendants seemed to notice his suffering and asked him if there was anything he needed. Alex, however, couldn’t very well tell her that his agony stemmed from the tiny embryo in his stomach, so he simply asked for some water and pretended to feel at ease. He rested his head against Jamie’s shoulder, fastened his seatbelt and kept his eyes closed, trying his very hardest not to think about the bile rising in his throat as the plane took off. 

“Fuck… I-I can’t… I’m gonna puke. Jamie!”

“No, Alex, we’re ascending. We’re in the air. I can’t get out of my seat.” 

“But I need the toilet!”

“Is there a problem, sir?” Asked the flight attendant from the very back of the plane, drawing everyone’s attention to him. 

“Here, use this,” Matt pulled out a vomit bag from his seat-back pocket.

“I don’t want to do it in front of everyone,” whimpered the brunette, though as soon as he brought the paper bag to his mouth, he couldn’t hold himself back. He retched fiercely and an old woman sat across from Miles pulled faces with disgust.

“How irresponsible – boarding a flight with a hangover,” she griped, shaking her head disapprovingly. 

“Oh no, ma’am, that’s not a hangover,” replied the Scouse as he gave her a mean stare, “what he has is highly contagious, so you better keep your mouth shut if you don’t want to catch it.” 

Alex felt Miles’s hand stretching forwards from behind him, stroking his hair, trying to make him feel better. He wiped at his mouth, his cheeks bright red with shame. When Jamie held him close, he tried to blink away the tears in his eyes, but as his breath hitched, causing him to gag again, he knew that this was only the beginning.


End file.
